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Posts Tagged ‘work’

Dream Vacation (& Job)

20 Dec

A couple months ago I wrote my first ever album review for Shadow Gallery’s “Digital Ghosts”.  It is an album I truly enjoy listening to & it seems I discover something new every time I listen.  Going to see SG in concert would be a great thing…too bad they don’t perform live.  Well that is until this past week when Shadow Gallery announced their first ever concert coming in the spring of 2010.

This concert is HUGE news.  For such a great band (with 6 rocking albums) they have never toured etc.  Of course like everything else about Shadow Gallery their debut is going to be done with style!  They are going to be among the groups performing on the first ever Triton Power Cruise.  Without elaborating too much (go check out Shadow Gallery’s website etc for all the juicy details) the band is going to perform on a cruise to the Bahamas.  Now that is debuting with a bang!

By now of course you are all wondering what I’m on about…great, some band she likes is giving a concert in the Bahamas.  Well hearing that little bit of news sent me on a flight of fancy.  Since I’m currently unemployed (and have no real plans to get a job after the move…I’m burned out from my last job & with being pregnant won’t work that long anyway) I have the time to go on this cruise.  Living in the nice “warm” section of the country that I do a nice vacation to the tropics sounds like a great way to kick off my spring/summer.  Not to mention that I dream of traveling & writing so this would certainly give me the opportunity to do both.  Of course I don’t really have the resources to head off on a fabulous musical cruise (*hums* I am the very model of a modern major general….) so that puts me at a distinct disadvantage.  However, I have a plan that could solve this little snag.

If just one (or several) groups got together to pay my way I’d happily write an article on the cruise line, cruise ship, concerts, activities and anything else pertinent to the trip.  All I’d need is round trip airfare (for two…can’t go without Hubby to help me.  I mean after all I’d be almost 7 months pregnant), hotel in Miami for 2 nights, the cost of the cruise (this includes all my meals & the concerts) and that’s it.  I’d of course pay for any souvenirs etc.

Then after spending a few days soaking up the sun & music I’d write a review of the Shadow Gallery concert (and all the other concerts too if necessary), along with any other articles/reviews that I owed my benefactors for the trip.  Sounds like a good plan right?  I mean it’s a win/win situation.  They get a great article/review on the topic of their choice & I get a sun-drenched vacation to help me relax before the baby arrives.  Now if only I could find the party(ies) willing to pony up the dough.  (Any good suggestions on how I can accomplish this may be entertained.)  It could be just what I need to get a new career/job off & running.

 
 

Familiarity Breeds….Fear of the Unknown

21 Oct

I don’t know what I’m doing…which for me is a huge problem.  I always want to know where I’m headed.  I like to have a plan of action, a course to follow, a map to read.  I don’t mind taking detours if I’m not just wandering aimlessly.  It’s the perfectionist (no that doesn’t apply to my housekeeping…I’m a slob when it comes to that, don’t judge me or I’ll point out your spelling & grammar mistakes) in me; the control freak who needs to know what’s coming.  I dislike, no make that loathe, change.  There’s so much going on right now & I’m a mess…I’m talking total disaster!  It’s “call for federal aid, Hurricane (insert name here) has hit” time.  It’s “She can’t take no more Cap’n, she’s starting to break” type stuff….


It’s been nearly 22 months since Abe was last employed.  He’s done odd jobs here & there, taken every dollar of unemployment available, tried to make a go of Black Ash & More, applied for every job between here & Bedlam…problem is there just aren’t jobs.  The few that are out there (and it’s VERY few) mostly don’t even make it feasible for him to drive to work ‘cuz the pay is so low & the number of miles too great.  Of course I can already hear the “you should move” comments.  If only it were just that simple…

We don’t have the finances to move…without going into that whole matter let’s just say that coming up with 2+ months rent isn’t going to happen.  We’ve cleaned out the retirement accounts ages ago, our savings is gone…our credit….well we won’t go there either.  Anything positive we had going came to a screeching halt 2 years ago & we’re sinking now.  Not to mention the logistics….


Of course there are benefits…Abe can get a good job again.  It’ll mean a lot to him & I will do anything to support him.  Moving to the location we are considering would put us closer to his brother in Missouri & a lot closer to my family all of whom I do miss.  Yet we’ll be further from his dad, his brother & wife and their boys up here.  We won’t be that stone’s throw from the North Shore & all the places we’ve grown to love.  The places that refresh my spirit & inspire my soul…the places I’m proud to know & to which I want to play travel guide for visiting friends.  Will I ever visit again & feel the wonder that sinks deep into the core of me?  I don’t know…right now everything is clouded.  I’m not good with change…even when I want to make it.  Right now I don’t want to make a change even though my logic tells me that it is what I must do.


I’m afraid….afraid that I’m never going to feel like me, that the people I care for & consider to be my close friends will decide that I’m too much work (I know, I know…my real friends won’t do that…doesn’t make the fear any less real), I’m afraid of losing myself.

 
 

Where Do I Go From Here?

06 Oct

It’s no surprise to my readers (I think I have readers…hard to tell these days since my best ones have gone MIA & I’m not sure if I’ll get them back….) that my job is not my favorite place to spend time.  Besides tumult in working with the office personnel, I am at the point where my job doesn’t challenge me…and me + unchallenging work =disaster.  I have trouble focusing when I’m not challenged which means procrastination & other self-defeating habits.  I’m not happy where I am yet with the job market & economy the way it is…well I would most certainly need another, higher paying job before I consider letting this one go.  I’m on the horns of a dilemma & I really wish I had a nice comfy cushion ‘cuz I think I’m going to be here awhile.

My true deep down desire is to write…I want to write a book (I have no idea what that book would be), I want to work on my poetry & someday publish a small book of it with a dedication to my husband (and a poem dedicated to someone who inspires me to write better), I want to have time to go out & take the pictures that speak to me & fuel my creativity.  I want to take those pictures & create a book of the places that feed my soul in hopes of sharing that with someone when they need it the most.

Today I got a text message from Mom who relayed a message from Aunt D.  Basically they both think that I should write.  Heh, I’m not disagreeing but I know that there really isn’t money in writing unless you’re Stephen King or Michael Crichton or J.K. Rowling.  I’m not…and I’m okay with that.  I just wish I knew where I was supposed to be.

I guess I don’t really have a point  to this post except to posit the question- Where do I go from here?  I don’t know & I’m running out of faith that I’ll be getting any answers.

 
 

All Signs Say “Huh”?

09 Sep

I’m going to tell you a little tale about a girl, the boy she loves, the job she has, the commission he is given & the villian who tries to dash their hopes & dreams.

This girl, Lin is an average looking girl with glasses.  She loves Troy, a boy who works hard with his hands to provide for their life together.  She works as an office girl: answering phones, greeting customers, writing letters & filing papers.  He is a finish carpenter by trade (although he’s been out of work for a while) & a furniture maker.  They live quite happily on a little acreage surrounded by giant pine trees with their dogs.  It’s a mostly happy life filled with all the usual ups & downs.

One day Lin’s boss asks if Troy would be able to create a sign to hang on the front of the building.  Lin says yes & her boss begins the long process of getting a design approved.  Once the inital design is approved by Lin’s boss & also the bank that shares the building (the bank has to be in on everything as they think the world revolves around them) Troy gets to work.  He spends many hours in his shop selecting the proper pieces of lumber & planing them down into smooth boards.  Then Troy joined the boards together to make the signs.  After months of waiting for a decision from the bank (they were given the task of choosing a font for the words) Lin made a decision.  She urged the two businesses to use the same font as their logos– this was met with a great deal of surprise as it had not occurred to anybody else that this was an option.  Lin & Troy had the local print shop make up the letters in the appropriate size & soon the letters were ready to be routered into the signs.  Before making anything permanent Troy arranged the paper letters on the signs, took pictures & sent the files in for approval.  After a month of waiting the bank finally reached an agreement (after much discussion & a vote of 3-2) & Troy was able to begin the task of actually putting the letters into the wood.  During this process Lin asked what color the letters & signs should be.  Nobody responded…but Lin was persistant & finally got the okay to use a nice forest green color for the letters & the rest would be left natural with a clear protective coating.

After months of work the signs were finally ready.  Troy had worked many hours & carefully planned the project.  He had made certain that each step was approved before continuing.  Over all the project took 6 long months but looking at the finished product Lin & Troy were proud of the work.  Since it was close to the end of summer so Troy made sure he got the signs mounted on the front & end of the building.  He got it done just days before the town would be full of people for the annual town festival.  It was hard work too.  The big sign for the front of the builidng weighed in at nearly 300 pounds.

The day after Troy hung the signs he & Lin stopped by the building to deliver the invoices for the signs.  When they arrived they saw 3 people standing at the front entrance looking up at the sign.  Before getting out of the truck Lin said to Troy, “I’ll just bet they are complaining about something.  You know how they are…if it wasn’t their idea or they didn’t do it then something must be wrong with it.”

Lin was right.  As she walked into the building the people standing outside were busy trying to figure out how to “improve” the signs.  When Troy came back from fueling up he walked right in blissful in his state of being totally unaware of what was waiting.  It didn’t take long until this was shattered by multiple people suggesting ways to improve the signs to make them “pop” more.  (One of the suggestors had been watching many home improvement shows on cable television.)  Angered by the lack of appreciation at delivering a product that was exactly to the specifications requested Troy & Lin left and swore that if that’s how Troy’s hard work was going to be treated they would take the signs back.

The next day Lin had to work & she was prepared to do battle for the boy she loved.  It made her feel sad & angry to see Troy’s hard work dismissed so easily.  The two businesses had asked for signs that matched the log building that housed them.  They wanted something nice yet not too modern so that it didn’t look incongruous with the surroundings.  Troy had obliged with a beautiful wooden design…now the same people who commissioned the work were saying it wasn’t at all what they thought it would be.  When Lin’s boss arrived that day he immediately brought up the signs.  Lin was cautious & curt with her answers at first.  Finally she told her boss how upset & hurt Troy had been at the seeming disregard for all his hard work.  Lin said that it was beyond rude to treat someone in that fashion.  How would he feel if after putting in hard work to create something based on a vague design there was nothing but criticism?  Lin’s boss thought about that & agreed that the presentation of questions & suggestions could have been handled in a nicer manner.  Lin also let it be known that Troy was so upset he had insisted on working the night before to correct some minor alignment issues so he wouldn’t be subjected to more opinions on what wasn’t “right” with the sign.  After more discussion Lin’s boss said that he thought the signs were actually quite nice & that the craftsmanship of the signs was indeed very good.  While there could have been some things done differently with the design it wasn’t anything that was critical to the appearance & that next time Lin’s boss would have a better idea of what to ask for when having a sign made.

Lin passed all of this on to her beloved Troy & the two of them felt appeased.  They set off for a long weekend content that the drama had been resolved.  Little did they know what the next week had in store for them.  It was just as well they didn’t because it would have ruined the relaxing weekend in the country.  After the weekend Lin went back to work & Troy went back to his shop.  Their lives fell into its regular rhythm.  Lin stopped in to ask when they could expect the payment from the bank for their portion of the signs.  It was with great dismay & anger that Lin learned the bank president had made it known that the sign invoice was not to be paid  until the owner of the bank (and Lin’s office) approved the signs.  Lin was shocked & nearly in tears…how could she pay the bills?  The rent was due and Lin had counted on that payment.  With Troy essentially unemployed her small income wasn’t enough to take care of everything.  Troy’s work on the signs & some upcoming projects were their only hope of making it.  Lin’s mind raced as she tried to adjust to the news & not cry right there.  After a moment she looked at the lady who had reluctantly shared the news.  ”Please let Prez SL know then that I will not be paying my rent until the signs are approved”, Lin bit the inside of her lip to keep her voice from cracking.  Finished with her errand at the bank Lin stalked across the hall, past her desk & into her boss’s office.  She explained the dilemma that she & Troy were now in.  Lin’s boss was so pissed off when he heard that the bank was refusing to pay on something they had approved already that he marched over to the bank.  Unfortunately the prez was with a customer but Lin’s boss did talk to the VP & came back reassuring Lin that the bank would indeed pay & in a timely  manner.  Lin felt a bit better that she had more people in her corner.  The longer Lin thought about the matter the more steely her resolve became.  She was risking not only her job but also her home going toe to toe with the bank president.  Of course when weighed against the hurt Troy would be caused if the bank got away with refusing to pay Lin knew that nothing was too great a risk….

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What a Difference a Month Makes

26 Aug

A month ago I was thinking of what we needed to pack for our Art in the Park weekend in Alexandria, MN. We were looking forward to nice weather & hoping for some good sales by the end of the weekend.  I also had a few other things rolling around my brain box.  Specificly the upcoming visit from Abe’s brother Savior (not his real name) which is always a good time.

So the last weekend in July we packed the little trailer & the bed of the truck and made our way to Alex with apple pie hopes.  We were very happy to have our same spot as last year–it’s the ideal location as we are very near the roasted almond ladies & the kettle corn guy.  Plus the view of the lake is nice when we need a break from the madding crowd.

As we started working on getting the canopy set up & the wooden walls installed (Abe’s used our showroom walls this time) the wind coming off the lake felt so refreshing we were very glad to have it.  We got everything prepped for the morning & then visited with my Uncle B for a bit (he lives right next to the park where the event is held) before heading off to our hotel room.  We decided to spend one night in the hotel so as not to impose on my uncle for the whole weekend.  We got checked in & then decided to go out to eat.  I picked a very nice restaurant (not too fancy but great food) & spent my weekend’s fun money on dinner — I wanted to celebrate Abe getting chosen as a featured artist for the event.  A big deal (at least to me) as he got a special mention in the paper in Alexandria.  After dinner we headed back to the hotel to relax for a bit…then early to bed as we had to be up & at the booth before 7 am (yes even I was up that early…and yes I hated every minute of it).  Saturday was cold & WINDY.  Sitting at our booth was less than fun because it was so cold.  In spite of the wind sales were good & we ended the day feeling pretty satisfied.  Fortunately Saturday was a good sales day because Sunday was a total bust.  We sat there & talked to people, answered questions, offered to customize anything they wanted but at the end of the day we didn’t make a single sale.  I don’t think we could have given it away.  A very discouraging end to what is our only show.  We’ll go back though because it’s such an excellent place.  The staff of volunteers does an amazing job!

We didn’t have time to dwell on the lackluster sales though (we were happy to recoup our expenses) as Abe’s brother Savior was coming to stay with us.  So it was work for me, the shop for Abe & cleaning for all.  I took a vacation day so that I wouldn’t have to miss out on any of the fun.  So July 30th arrived & so did Savior.  We grabbed some lunch (and a beer) then hung out at the house & chilled.  Well, I chilled…the boys had more beer & played Wii.  By 4 in the afternoon I had 1 empty pack of beer, 2 crazy boys & 3 people needing food.  Against my better judgement I took them with me to get pizza & movies.  We then hung out & peeped “Watchmen” which I had been wanting to see (bet you didn’t think I’d say that…) & I enjoyed it very much.  Friday we spent the day with more of the family (I have a post about that –mostly pics– somewhere around here) & Saturday we spent at Abe’s dad’s place.  It was chilly & rainy so we just visited & relaxed.

I was not feeling very awesome by Saturday afternoon.  I had been feeling a bit more tired & my gallbladder was bothering me a bit earlier in the week but rather than passing it just got worse.  Sunday I was very lethargic & wondering if I’d be able to make it to work the next morning.  As fate would have it I did not make it to work…rather I got my very first trip to the emergency room.  All of that fun is encapsulated in a series of posts “The One Where I Go to the Hospital”.  Since getting out of hospital I’ve gone back to work.  I’m still not feeling the best but it’s tolerable for the most part.

Other than that we’ve just been wading our way through daily life.  I’m working on some more writing (poetry & what may become a short story or novel) that I’m not yet ready to share with the general public.  I can’t believe summer is almost over (not that we had much summer weather here) & we didn’t get to do most of our traditional summer activites.  I’m hoping for a nice warm fall so we can make at least one trip up to Grand Marais.  Spending a day with my camera viewing my favorite spots & hopefully finding new ones would do more for my mind & spirit than most anything else.  I also need to think of something special for Abe as we have our 7th anniversary rapidly approaching…I can’t believe it’s been that long already.  In some ways it feels like only a short time ago.  Ah well that’s musing that’s best left for another time.

 
 

Holding Me

29 May

My desire to travel, move around & explore this country is growing.  I can feel the wanderlust taking over a little more every day.  This of course makes it harder to get up & go about my daily routine of work & home.  I feel this hunger for adventure: new sights, sounds, tastes & smells. To use my senses again & feel myself fill with some unknown essence I feel that I’m lacking recently.  My lungs feel cramped, not quite expanding when I inhale the sameness of my current life.

When we moved to northern Minnesota in 2005 (Halloween weekend to be exact) it was because there were no more ties to the city life.  I was unemployed (again–victim to a 2nd company being reorganized) with little desire to change that.  Hubby had a great job & so he commuted to the Cities.  For 2 long years he would leave me early on Monday morning & come home Friday afternoon.  I hated every moment of it…we are a couple very used to spending a lot of time together.  It’s not uncommon for us to text each other several times a day with the minutiae we just need to share.  We can also spend days in the house without really saying much just moving together in a well-oiled routine.  This pas de deux is second nature & we take it wherever we go….if we visit you it’ll be apparent in our every movement, comment & look.

Moving to our little community created new ties & strengthened some old ones.  We got to spend time more time with Hubby’s dad & stepmom.  We found a church we enjoyed attending–for the people as much as anything.  New friends were made & I was able to introduce Hubby to some friends I made long ago.  As we adjusted to living in a small town we changed our habits.  Once a week trips to “town” to get groceries, shopping in the small local market in between, doing our best to spend our money in the local businesses.  Our money followed us (what little there is) and so we bank with the local bank, I work for the adjacent insurance agency.

Now with employment opportunities being virtually nonexistent for Hubby, my need to find fulfillment in some type of job and the fading of other roots we were content to put down I’m wondering what is holding me to my life. I’ve been mulling this over in the back of my mind for some time but today I actually asked the question out loud as we left Sioux Falls.  Hubby answered that he wasn’t at all sure.  I can think of only one real solid tie that is left there.

We have been so blessed over the last few years to grow into a wonderful relationship & friendship with Hubby’s brother Pete & family.  We have done so many fun things & been privileged to watch their boys grow.  It is something we enjoy very much and our delight is matched every time we see the sunshine smiles of the boys when they see us.  If we were to ever make the decision to move it would be made much harder knowing we’d most likely be leaving that closeness behind.  The shared meals, trips to Duluth, hiking through our favorite state parks at a moment’s notice, movies and all the other random things we are able to do whenever the mood strikes.  Of course we’d be able to visit & make plans to do that stuff but it would lose something in the planning.  Having the ability to call Anne & set up a quick girls only trip to the local Maurices is something I usually enjoy.  It’s been so nice having a sister when mine live too far away to do those things.

Right now everything seems to be suspended in mid-air & I’m waiting for the crash I sense is in the offing.  Not being a person who handles the unknown or surprises well I find myself holding my breath.  Can the tie I feel continue to hold me or will it snap–

 
 

Interference

22 May

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is interference.  Specifically how we interfere in the lives of those around us.  There are all kinds of reasons & excuses given for this: they asked for advice, I’ve been there, I care about what happens to the other person etc.  Many times these are legitimate reasons but what I’m talking about is when a comment, suggestion or action is taken without encouragement from the party on the receiving end of the interference.  (And I’m not speaking about life-threatening situations.  That’s an entirely different topic of conversation.  I’m talking about putting your 2 cents in on a struggle or problem that is a “normal” part of life.)

There are a couple of events that have led me down this train of thought.  One is from personal experience & the other is from someone who is very close to me.  Because of the delicate nature of these things I’m going to speak in quite general terms as I’m not out to cause hurt feelings or more drama in anybody’s life.

It is always surprising (even when it shouldn’t be) how people are willing to take a partial story & respond with advice.  Even though I do it too at times (don’t we all) I do try to rein in that impulse as much as possible.  Of course I don’t always succeed but I do try my best.  Still I wonder if people realize how hurtful this “help” can be.  On the one hand there’s this feeling of being helpful, concerned & looking out for what’s best for someone you know (and supposedly care for).  On the opposite side there’s this presumption that you know all the pertinent facts so that your words are germane to the situation.  No matter how gentle & genuine you may be there’s a good chance your words may cause pain & even seem presumptuous to the person who receives them.

Another thing that just irks me beyond reason is the “we’re friends but I’m going to tell you everything that’s wrong with your life” email.  Why in the world do people think this will ever work?  I’m not talking about sending an email saying you are concerned because your friend is a drunk (by the way you shouldn’t send that in an email either…step up & say it in person or shut the heck up!) and you’ve seen them driving 100 mph down the gravel road at midnight.  I’m talking about the email where every little nitpicky human flaw (both real & imagined) is detailed to such an extent you begin to wonder if you shouldn’t just go live in a wilderness cave rather than subject humanity to one more second of your presence.  I’ve received a few of these in my life…none of them were pleasant & some of them did so much damage that a relationship either ended or was no longer able to hold anything but a vague semblance of stilted acquaintanceship.

Both of these events can be mind-boggling to the recipient.  Suddenly you are blindsided by someone you trust who has this often bold statement to make about your life & how you live it.  Everybody has an opinion & I can accept that….along with constructive well-informed criticism.  What I struggle with mightily is the advice that comes from a well-intentioned but under or misinformed place.  How is it possible to see part of the picture & then fill in the rest with your own experiences?  I try very hard to avoid this pitfall (whether I always succeed is another matter but I do try) as I know the injury it can cause & how hard getting past it can be.

I’m baffled by the manner in which people feel they can point out things in someone else’s life. Many times it’s obvious or seeminly obvious.  One thing Hubby has heard over the course of the last 17 months is how he needs to find a job.  Oh really?! ‘cuz he was totally unaware of that…he’s the one who is unemployed.  Thank you Captain Obvious for that oh so helpful observation.  It drives me n v t s nuts that people think Hubby just lies on the couch all day.  No he hasn’t had a “job”.  Rather he’s worked hard at his own business, perfected some new skills, taken care of the dogs, the house & supported me in my work.  It’s been hard to have no job but he’s done a good job taking care of what he can: our dishes, our laundry and all the other things that need to be done in a home.  I’m so grateful & happy that he is able & willing to do all that for me.  The same goes for any man who’s currently going through staying at home due to employment challenges.  Ok so maybe the man of the house isn’t “working” but if he’s out taking care of the yard, catching fish to feed his family or watching the kids so his woman can work then he’s doing a hell of a lot of stuff in his day.

I don’t really know how to respond to the other–the partially informed advice based on a “similar” situation that isn’t at all similar.  The words were given in genuine desire to be helpful & that’s appreciated to a point.  However, now there’s this feeling of needing to justify my actions (which is silly because I certainly do not owe anybody an explanation).  I guess I’m feeling that after having already explained as much of the situation as was necessary I feel hurt & irritated to be questioned again.

I’ve been mulling this over all week, talked to Hubby about it & have tried to express my thoughts on the matter…yet I feel unresolved at best.  Maybe it’s not really meant to be resolved….maybe I’m over-analyzing everything (ok that couldn’t be it….I NEVER do that…) or maybe I’m just in need of putting it all out here for people to read & reflect on their own lives.  In any case I’m going to let it rest for now.  Only I can know my true heart & follow what is true for me & my life.  We each walk our own path.  Where that path will lead we are not meant to know (anybody who knows me will realize how much THAT bugs me….this girl likes to see what’s coming.  Surprises are not a fun part of life for me.) and it is following the path that is life.  (Wow, philosophical here at the end…hmm wonder what that’s about.)

 
 

Suffocation….No Breathing

08 May

Lately I feel like I’m suffocating.  Life feels like this big heavy weight pressing all the oxygen out of me.  One of the only times it seems my lungs are working & my heart is still beating is when I’ve got words flowing onto the page (or screen as the case may be).  When I hit the groove in my writing it’s like my fingers & brain are one entity.  I don’t even really control my fingers so much as they move of their own free will…seeking out the correct keys without any conscious thought on my part.

Work is an entirely different story.  At my desk I feel trapped; crushed into my chair like I’m holding the mass of the building on my lap.  Everything seems to move as if I’m underwater…or rather like I’m trapped in a sea of dark molasses, being drawn inexorably toward the center of a whirlpool where I will be sucked down into a life of drudgery.  It’s not like I have a demanding job or anything (and I don’t want a “demanding” job but rather a job the utilizes the brains & talents I do posess).  Sitting at my desk it’s like I’m watching myself die from the outside.  It makes me sad because I had such big dreams when I graduated high school.

I don’t regret where my life has led to this point.  Everything I have experienced has shaped the woman I am….and for the most part I’m good with that.  There are things I want to change & I am working on that.  It’s all I can do, looking back with regret will not change the present or the future.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to take some risks…to step out in faith with the knowledge that I can always go back to what is “safe”.

Of course knowing that I need to take some risks & actually doing it are two very different things.  I am not a risk taker by nature.  I prefer the safe, comfortable haven of home.  I like my routine for the most part.  Knowing that I can walk into the bakery, winery, gas station & the folks working will know me by name.  They will ask about Hubby’s job search, the dogs, and what is new with me.  We will chat about the weather, the upcoming tourist season & local gossip.  It’s what I grew up with to a large extent (although in a different town) so it is as familiar to me as anything.

Right now though I need to find a way to feel like I’m getting enough oxygen.  I don’t want to live another day feeling like I”m suffocating….I don’t know how I will go about it but the die is cast.  Something must give or I shall lose myself in the overwhelming flood of being unremarkable to myself.  If others find good things in me I will be happy…if I can find good (remarkable, amazing, fascinating, worthy) qualities in my I can be content and that is a task I must now live to the fullest.

 
 

A Quick News Bulletin

22 Apr

The big news this week is that after months of waiting to hear about the numerous job applications Hubby finally has an interview.  Next week he’s got his second job interview (first one went really well….they never called back) in over a year.  We are hopeful that this is the start of something good on the employment front.

 
 

Mental Bric-a-Brac

19 Apr

It has been a day of lethargy for me.  After the excursion yesterday (which was amazing & filled some of my empty soul places with peace) I was worn out.  Of course that didn’t keep me from posting a lengthy account of my day, writing a poem (no I’m not sharing as it’s mostly not that good), taking a bath (in hopes of soaking away my aches & pains…it was okay for the sore knee but as an exercise in relaxation not so profitable.  My tub is tiny & it’s impossible for even my 5’2″ frame to stretch out without 1/2 of my body sticking out of the water; either I sit up so my legs are warm or I lie down & my legs are propped up on the faucet.  It is also incredibly narrow & shallow. Basically bathing in a mixing bowl wouldn’t be harder or less fulfilling…still I was told to relax so I tried.) and then staying up reading Chaucer some more along with a blog I find more & more engaging (I’m catching up on all the back posts).

Finally at a very late hour (well after 2:00 am) I took 2 Tylenol PM (I hesitate to take them as usually I find myself swimming in fog the next day) and proceeded to crash for a few hours. I woke about 7 for a bathroom trip and then groggily fell back to sleep. I woke again at 9 in a haze, attempted to check Twitter for anything interesting but kept passing out in narcoleptic fits.  Finally at 11 I dragged my aching body upright, got dressed, found a baseball cap (I love baseball caps. I have quite a collection & would wear them everyday if I could) and headed with Hubby to get some groceries in town (we had to hurry, they are only open ’til noon on Sunday).  After returning home I cooked breakfast.  Then after a healthy period of procrastination I tossed my office clothes in the washer (I should probably remember to dry them or it’ll be embarrasing to go to work tomorrow) & did up all the dishes from the last couple days.  Another long period of blog reading occured before I decided that maybe some light exercise would cure my sore muscles…WRONG….two yoga poses & my body rebelled mightily.  The right knee stabbed pain that made my eyes water & I quit.  Being in shape is great but I’d rather be alive (soft, squishy & infinitely more snuggly then the stick girls who run around cutting their loved ones with protruding collar bones & scapulas).

In other unrelated thoughts….the local motel burned down on Thursday night.  Somehow the wood stove managed to start quite the blaze.  Fortunately nobody was injured (sadly 2 cats were lost).  The blaze started about 5 pm & it took at least 6 fire departments a total of 6 hours to control & extinguish it.  As I drove to work Friday (we hold the insurance on that property) I could see that smoke was still pouring out of huge sections.  It took a good portion of the day to flip portions of the rubble over & put out all the smoldering sections.  It’s a total loss and although not the best property in town (I’d rather sleep next to the train tracks, less chance of being stabbed in my sleep) it’s another business that will probably disappear.  Our little down is slowly vanishing as the economy continues to dump (but that’s another post).

More fires were burning last night, as they have been all week.  These fires were planned and a sign that spring is indeed galloping toward us.  Up here in the deep forests we control burn ditches, wetlands & empty grassy areas every spring.  A forest fire is something that we work very hard to avoid.  Thusly every spring the burning begins, leaving the smell of smoke lingering on the breeze, big patches of fire burning all night and extinguished by morning. Soon the bright emerald green native grasses will begin to show, glowing in the fine misty rain of late April & early May.  Just thinking of that change from deep black to vibrant lush green makes me smile.

Back to work tomorrow….just thinking that makes my heart tired & my soul weary.  I like the actual work that I do.  There’s something I enjoy very much about being a secretary/receptionist.  I like making copies, getting coffee, answering the phones & directing calls.  What I dislike is that in this tiny little office there is conflict.  I don’t know why…it bothers me very much because I feel I’m the cause.  Apparently, and I’m guessing here, a co-worker feels that I’m a threat.  Now I don’t know the reasons for this at all. What I do know is that making the mile drive to my office every day has become a Herculean task.  Unfortuantely I am trapped for now….and the weight of the knowledge is indeed an albatross around my neck.

I know this has been a strange wobbly post but it’s cleared some of the detrius out of my synapses.  If I’m lucky I will now be able to focus on the other post that’s been brewing in my brain all day.  I promise it’ll be full strength…no decaf here!

 
 
 
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