Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is interference. Specifically how we interfere in the lives of those around us. There are all kinds of reasons & excuses given for this: they asked for advice, I’ve been there, I care about what happens to the other person etc. Many times these are legitimate reasons but what I’m talking about is when a comment, suggestion or action is taken without encouragement from the party on the receiving end of the interference. (And I’m not speaking about life-threatening situations. That’s an entirely different topic of conversation. I’m talking about putting your 2 cents in on a struggle or problem that is a “normal” part of life.)
There are a couple of events that have led me down this train of thought. One is from personal experience & the other is from someone who is very close to me. Because of the delicate nature of these things I’m going to speak in quite general terms as I’m not out to cause hurt feelings or more drama in anybody’s life.
It is always surprising (even when it shouldn’t be) how people are willing to take a partial story & respond with advice. Even though I do it too at times (don’t we all) I do try to rein in that impulse as much as possible. Of course I don’t always succeed but I do try my best. Still I wonder if people realize how hurtful this “help” can be. On the one hand there’s this feeling of being helpful, concerned & looking out for what’s best for someone you know (and supposedly care for). On the opposite side there’s this presumption that you know all the pertinent facts so that your words are germane to the situation. No matter how gentle & genuine you may be there’s a good chance your words may cause pain & even seem presumptuous to the person who receives them.
Another thing that just irks me beyond reason is the “we’re friends but I’m going to tell you everything that’s wrong with your life” email. Why in the world do people think this will ever work? I’m not talking about sending an email saying you are concerned because your friend is a drunk (by the way you shouldn’t send that in an email either…step up & say it in person or shut the heck up!) and you’ve seen them driving 100 mph down the gravel road at midnight. I’m talking about the email where every little nitpicky human flaw (both real & imagined) is detailed to such an extent you begin to wonder if you shouldn’t just go live in a wilderness cave rather than subject humanity to one more second of your presence. I’ve received a few of these in my life…none of them were pleasant & some of them did so much damage that a relationship either ended or was no longer able to hold anything but a vague semblance of stilted acquaintanceship.
Both of these events can be mind-boggling to the recipient. Suddenly you are blindsided by someone you trust who has this often bold statement to make about your life & how you live it. Everybody has an opinion & I can accept that….along with constructive well-informed criticism. What I struggle with mightily is the advice that comes from a well-intentioned but under or misinformed place. How is it possible to see part of the picture & then fill in the rest with your own experiences? I try very hard to avoid this pitfall (whether I always succeed is another matter but I do try) as I know the injury it can cause & how hard getting past it can be.
I’m baffled by the manner in which people feel they can point out things in someone else’s life. Many times it’s obvious or seeminly obvious. One thing Hubby has heard over the course of the last 17 months is how he needs to find a job. Oh really?! ‘cuz he was totally unaware of that…he’s the one who is unemployed. Thank you Captain Obvious for that oh so helpful observation. It drives me n v t s nuts that people think Hubby just lies on the couch all day. No he hasn’t had a “job”. Rather he’s worked hard at his own business, perfected some new skills, taken care of the dogs, the house & supported me in my work. It’s been hard to have no job but he’s done a good job taking care of what he can: our dishes, our laundry and all the other things that need to be done in a home. I’m so grateful & happy that he is able & willing to do all that for me. The same goes for any man who’s currently going through staying at home due to employment challenges. Ok so maybe the man of the house isn’t “working” but if he’s out taking care of the yard, catching fish to feed his family or watching the kids so his woman can work then he’s doing a hell of a lot of stuff in his day.
I don’t really know how to respond to the other–the partially informed advice based on a “similar” situation that isn’t at all similar. The words were given in genuine desire to be helpful & that’s appreciated to a point. However, now there’s this feeling of needing to justify my actions (which is silly because I certainly do not owe anybody an explanation). I guess I’m feeling that after having already explained as much of the situation as was necessary I feel hurt & irritated to be questioned again.
I’ve been mulling this over all week, talked to Hubby about it & have tried to express my thoughts on the matter…yet I feel unresolved at best. Maybe it’s not really meant to be resolved….maybe I’m over-analyzing everything (ok that couldn’t be it….I NEVER do that…) or maybe I’m just in need of putting it all out here for people to read & reflect on their own lives. In any case I’m going to let it rest for now. Only I can know my true heart & follow what is true for me & my life. We each walk our own path. Where that path will lead we are not meant to know (anybody who knows me will realize how much THAT bugs me….this girl likes to see what’s coming. Surprises are not a fun part of life for me.) and it is following the path that is life. (Wow, philosophical here at the end…hmm wonder what that’s about.)
