Something Creative » thoughts

Twenty Years Or So

Nil17 — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 21:56:56 +0000

This past week life reminded me how the more time passes the less things change. A family friend for almost as far back as I can remember took a nasty spill due to excessive ice. He was home alone at his farm. The fall resulted in a broken leg that required surgery. His kids came down to be with him & while in surgery his heart stopped twice. Now he is in the hospital…his leg is still broken, his heart has been taxed terribly & his kidneys are failing. He has all sorts of tubes, wires & machines surrounding him. He is unable to talk & is under sedation 90 percent of the day.

On Sunday I took my kids and husband & we went to see this family. Now I think the last time I saw any of the kids was about 22 years ago. I’m guessing but I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since that’s when the oldest girl, C, graduated from high school. So for the first 18 years of my life I knew them well. We hung out, slept over, tore around each other’s farms & generally spent a lot of time together. Now we’re all grown, have spouses/SO & kids, jobs etc. There’s a lot of life that has happened to all of us.

As we were talking it was like the intervening years shrank into a split second. We all looked the same (barring a few gray hairs, wrinkles & pounds), we laugh the same & the joint memories of childhood were recalled with laughter & hidden tears.

I am so sad that it has taken a very sad time in their lives for us to reconnect. Seeing their Dad lying in that bed made my heart hurt so much. Partly because he is someone I know & we never want to see good people suffer. However, I also have to acknowledge that I’m not getting any younger & that means my parents aren’t either. I’m not ready to face that. I know that doesn’t matter; that nothing changes the fact that death will come for each of us.

I can’t imagine how my friends feel. Every time their dad comes out of sedation for a little bit they wonder if it is the last time. Will they ever see his eyes open again? Will they ever get to hold his hand and feel it’s warmth after this second? So many questions & the unknown of where they end. I simply pray that they are all given peace to endure this time, grace to withstand the pain & love overflowing as they say the words that we are sometimes robbed of the chance to say.

Author’s Note: A few short hours after I wrote this I got word that my friends’ dad had died. While I am deeply saddened for their loss I am glad to know that he is free of pain & his fragile earthly body. He is now at peace & reunited with his wife.

Random Nothings

Nil17 — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 03:12:01 +0000

I have a lot in my head but it is hard to put to the page. This month is flying by in many ways though some days seem to drag.
The heat has been record setting and there is no end in sight. Normally I don’t mind the heat & humidity of our summers here. This year with Magnus & a baby on the way I just want cooler weather. The lack of air conditioning in the house really makes daily chores a nightmare. I get overheated trying to clean or cook and my first priority has to be how I feel. I am praying for a few days of cooler weather soon…I need to get stuff done.

Overall I feel pretty good with the pregnancy though. I have only gained about 10 pounds so far which I’m very happy about. The weight I already have seems to be moving around though so I’m finding that my pants are getting uncomfortable. Of course that is the silver lining to this heat cloud…it is just far too hot for pants. If you’re thinking about visiting, call first.

Other than that I’m not sure what to say. I’m cranky & irritable, wishing I were superwoman and missing the contact I usually maintain with friends.

What Do You Mean You’re 15!

Nil17 — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 04:07:51 +0000

On Friday a milestone was reached…mostly nobody noticed except a few close family & friends. They woke up, looked at their calendars & decided that it was a good time to haul out the jet packs for the commute to work & school. What the rest of the world was blissfully unaware of was that G-man had turned 15. So what you think; lots of kids turn 15 every day. What makes this what’s-his-face special? There are a lot of things that make G-man special. He was an uncle at age 7. Now that he’s 15 he is an uncle 8 times over. He is the youngest of 8 kids. His siblings sometimes have a really hard time remembering he is so young—they’ve treated him as part of the gang since he was born. In spite of having much older siblings, G-man managed to retain his childhood…that means he’s a pretty okay kid. He doesn’t really get into trouble like some kids you hear about these days. You know the ones; those kids hanging out with “the wrong crowd”. G-man often feels sorry for those kids…”If only they had parents who were around & siblings & whatnot”. After all G-man knows the parents can’t always help not being there but he also knows that many times the parents are too busy to pay attention. G-man is very independent. He has always been able to go out with the big kids…he didn’t like to be left behind. In fact, he’s been known to stow away in his dad’s van & sneak into town. See, G-man lives in the country & his dad volunteers at the teen activity center in the next town over. G-man likes to go along with his dad & hang out; sometimes they would shoot hoops (well sometimes they still do). Anyway, G-man really wanted to go with his dad one Saturday night. Dad said G-man should stay home & get some rest. G-man appealed to Mom but she agreed with Dad. G-man was upset & stalked out of the house. His mom & Dad let him go…he’s a pretty okay kid in the country after all. Well G-man’s dad headed into town & G-man’s mom thought it was time to eat some supper (dinner is for city people…or what country people eat at noon). When supper was ready—about 15 minutes later; G-man’s mom called out the door. She waited & then called again, “G-man you better be in here, hands washed in the next 5 minutes or you are going to be in SO much trouble”! Time passed & G-man’s mom decided it was time to call G-man’s dad. Meanwhile, G-man had gotten so angry he stalked off across the yard & hid behind the shed for awhile. That wasn’t much fun though & he decided he’d hide out in his dad’s van. Quietly G-man snuck his bike into the back of the van, climbed in after it & closed the door. Soon G-man’s dad hopped in the van & went flying off down the gravel in a cloud of dust. G-man stayed hidden & quiet. He waited until the van stopped & he heard his dad get out. After a few minutes he cautiously peeked out, saw he was in the clear & hopped out with his bike. So while G-man’s mom was calling him to supper he was happily wheeling around Danesville. G-man was feeling pretty pleased with himself—not only had he gotten to go with Dad but he’d also gotten to go when he’d been told no. While G-man was enjoying his adventure he lost track of time. Riding around Danesville is fun when you are off riding your bike. It’s big enough for a nice ride but not so big as to get lost. Suddenly G-man noticed that the air was a little chilly & that it was getting quite dark out. Now G-man isn’t a sissy but being alone when Mom & Dad don’t know where you are stops being fun in the dark. Thinking about how he was supposed to stay home & had disobeyed made G-man worried. ”I’m going to be in SO much trouble. Dad is gonna kick my butt when they figure out what I did”, G-man thought. So to avoid the dire consequences of his imagination (no supper for a week, twice as many chores for a month & not being allowed out of the house for the rest of his life) G-man decided he should hide. Hiding in the dark alone is scary though so he thought he should find a safe, sheltered place to go. After some careful thought he turned his bike around and rode up the main street in Danesville. In fact he rode straight up to the yard of his pastor. He leaned his bike against the big oak tree on the front lawn & curled up beside the solid trunk. Now Pastor’s Wife had gotten a phone call earlier saying that G-man was missing & that his parents thought he’d snuck into town. She had promised to keep an eye out for him…lo & behold she happened to see his little figure slide into her front yard. Quickly she called G-man’s mom & dad before going outside to collect a very tired & scared 7 year old boy. So now eight years have passed & that scared little boy is taking driver’s education training. That’s right—he’s learning to drive. He’s still a pretty okay kid. Sometimes he is a total teenager & gets that stubborn teenage set to his jaw. His hair is often a little longer than his mom would like. He listens to loud music that his dad doesn’t like at all. G-man’s siblings are often surprised when they think about his age…after all they forget he’s still a kid most of the time. However all of them are proud of him & love him dearly…. but none of them are going anywhere near the roads for awhile….

Young & Old

Nil17 — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 02:00:07 +0000

Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting. He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows. So many precious times to be lived & cherished. As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother. Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly. More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles. Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age. Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be. She forgets important things like latching her door. Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times. Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit. Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night. I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house. I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work. Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.

Baby On My Mind

Nil17 — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 01:19:31 +0000

I know you’re not surprised to see that I’ve got Baby on the brain. Seriously I’ve got a month left until the little one is due & nothing else to focus on. There is SO much that needs to be done around the house & yet here I sit on the couch watching TV. Now that sounds lazy & let me tell you it feels even lazier! However, I know that it is best for Baby so I’m doing my very, very best to be good. There are days where I don’t do as much sitting as I should. Those days are usually spent at least partially at the doctor’s office getting hooked up to all kinds of monitors to see if Baby is behaving him/herself. Usually the answer is no…in fact I’ve had quite a few ultrasounds in the past couple weeks. Seems Baby doesn’t really want to move around when the doctor is watching; nor show anybody a clear view of any features. We have tried & tried but each time we go for a profile picture or a facial picture Baby gets creative in hiding. The first time Baby simply rolled over & presented his/her butt to the camera. The second time Baby decided that just hiding behind hands wasn’t enough & pulled both feet up as well. Attempt number 3 was Baby flattening the whole face against the wall of the uterus…rather like pressing your face tightly against a window or pillow. The last time we did get a bit of a profile so we know that Baby has eyes, nose, mouth, chin but there’s little to let us distinguish any characteristics. Seems Baby takes after Mom in a few ways. *smile* Of course I’m also thinking of all the stuff that I really should have when we bring Baby home. Fortunately I was given a wonderful Pak n’ Play which is already set up in our bedroom. It’s pink & gray so I’m hoping this is a girl…otherwise our son will be getting in touch with his feminine side early. I also found a fantastic high chair (which I obviously won’t need for a while) with extra tray inserts. The inserts are awesome & have little compartments so food doesn’t have to mix together. Yes it makes my OCD heart go pitter-patter to think about them. {I can’t even eat. The food keeps touching. I like military plates, I’m a military man, I want a military meal. I want my string beans to be quarantined! I like a little fortress around my mashed potatoes so the meatloaf doesn’t invade my mashed potatoes and cause mixing in my plate! I HATE IT when food touches! I’m a military man, you understand that? And don’t let your food touch either, please? ~LL Cool J as Patrick Zevo in “Toys”} Anyway, I’ve got a car seat, a place for Baby to sleep & lots of love…what I don’t have yet are diapers, clothes, blankets and all the other things. I have about a dozen onesies but I know that once Baby arrives I will have a package filled with (gender appropriate) clothing coming from a friend who is blessing us with her generosity. Just another reason I find that being on Twitter is an amazing blessing sometimes. As for the diapers, blankets etc I guess I’m just having faith that I will have enough of what is needed. I know we’ll get quite a few receiving blankets from the hospital & I have several heavier blankets (not that I will need them in July) along with a quilt that Grandma B made for me years ago. Sadly Grandma B is no longer here but she made quilts for all her grandchildren who didn’t yet have kids before she died. It is very special that I’ll have that blanket in which to bring my first born home. I’m not sure how the labor, delivery etc will go…not that I can know that but I do need to start thinking of being prepared. That means packing a bag of stuff I’ll need in the hospital. The big wild card is when all this will happen. Since Hubby has been at his job less than a year he has ZERO vacation time. That means any time he spends with me is unpaid time off. There is just no way we can afford for him to miss more than 1 day of work. I’m praying that I go in on a Friday night & am out of the hospital on Monday. That way Hubby can be with us in the hospital & not miss work. It’s a catch-22 situation because I want nothing more than for Hubby to be there the whole time….thinking that he might miss a moment of our precious little one’s arrival makes me sad. Overall I am anxious for the next month to be over…not because I am tired of being pregnant (although it is getting tiring) but because I can barely stand waiting to SEE & HOLD this little one, to spend hours watching him/her sleep, to snuggle into bed at night as a family, to watch Hubby be a father & to show Baby off to the world.

Thanksgiving & Being Grateful

Nil17 — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:00:09 +0000

So I’m going to pull out my English geek for this post & put her on full display. I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving (like everybody else in the US) & how at this time of year we focus on being thankful. I am thankful for a great many things in spite of the very hard year we’ve had. However, I was talking to the divine Ms. Davis & she said not only was she thankful for me (wow, I like that people feel that way about me) but also grateful. It made me think about the two words & how they seem to be very similar. So I fired up my google & checked Merriam-Webster online for the “official” definitons. What I found gave me reason to do some serious thinking….

Main Entry: grate·ful

Pronunciation: \?gr?t-f?l\

Function: adjective

Etymology: obsolete grate pleasing, thankful, from Latin gratus — more at grace

Date: 1552 1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude 2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

Main Entry: thank·ful

Pronunciation: \?tha?k-f?l\

Function: adjective

Date: before 12th century 1 : conscious of benefit received 2 : expressive of thanks 3 : well pleased : glad

I’m going with definition 1 in each case. The first thing that struck me was the way benefits are recognized. In being grateful there is an appreciation of benefits received while with thankful there is conciousness of benefits received. That difference pulled me up short. So many times people say they are thankful for their family, job, house, food etc. (there are always things for which to be thankful) but how many people are grateful for these same things? Being grateful means that you appreciate the benefits & not just merely recognize that they exist (thankful).

Main Entry: ap·pre·ci·ate

Pronunciation: \?-?pr?-sh?-??t, -?pri- also -?pr?-s?-\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): ap·pre·ci·at·ed; ap·pre·ci·at·ing

Etymology: Late Latin appretiatus, past participle of appretiare, from Latin ad- + pretium price — more at price

Date: 1655 transitive verb 1 a : to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of b : to value or admire highly s our work> c : to judge with heightened perception or understanding : be fully aware of d : to recognize with gratitude s your kindness> 2 : to increase the value of

synonyms appreciate, value, prize, treasure, cherish mean to hold in high estimation. appreciate often connotes sufficient understanding to enjoy or admire a thing’s excellence <appreciates fine wine>. value implies rating a thing highly for its intrinsic worth <values our friendship>. prize implies taking a deep pride in something one possesses prize their freedom>. treasure emphasizes jealously safeguarding something considered precious treasured memento>. cherish implies a special love and care for something <cherishes her children above all>.

Now I suppose you are wondering exactly what my point in all this is…after all thankful & grateful are tied together pretty closely. Well mostly my point is that while I have certainly been conscious of the benefits in my life I haven’t necessarily been terribly appreciative. After all I’m certainly thankful for my family, friends, house etc etc etc…but I have failed (sometimes miserably) in expressing that attitude.

I’m not being critical of myself like I tend to be normally when I have fallen short of a mark (whether it is one of my own making or not) although I am adding it to my list of things to be more aware of doing in the future. With the horror of 2009 coming to a close & the big big changes of 2010 speeding toward me I am grateful, thankful & blessed for my life, my husband & my dear friends who are close in spirit if not actual distance. Please remember to be active in showing your thankfulness not only now but also every day of the year.

Jumbled

Nil17 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 05:36:38 +0000

I’m jumbled up today like a 5000 piece puzzle scattered about. I woke up feeling sort of okay…a day off & I need it. After a somewhat leisurely start to the day it was off to visit quickly with some friends & a quick lunch date with another friend. It was nice to see them but I could feel the sadness creeping in. Then I picked up my paycheck…after that nasty surprise (there’s a reason I’m quitting ‘cuz seriously for all the work I do there & I don’t even make $10/hr…) we headed home. By the time I walked in my front door the cold fingers of depression were wrapped firmly around my entire being. I attempted to sit in my chair but after about 42 seconds I could tell that wasn’t going to work. My gallbladder is aggravating me & I’m so tired these days that no amount of sleep makes me feel rested….so I did the only thing I could & got out of my clothes and into bed. I thought I’d just lie there awhile & see if my blanket (I’ve had it since the day I was born) and the down comforter could help chase the soul chill away. Instead I drifted off, phone clutched in my right hand like a lifeline with nobody at the other end. I vaguely remember Abe coming to check on me & rubbing my back ‘til I fell asleep again…I shudder to think how much more of a hot mess I’d be without him. There are now only 9 working days until I am done at my job. It’s a relief in many ways because I’m not happy there. I don’t mind the customers, answering phones etc but let’s be honest a monkey could do my job. There is a satisfaction in helping a customer, fixing their little problems & knowing I can offer assistance when there is something bad that happens…after all that’s what a good insurance agent does. However I need something that challenges me, stretches me…without that I get bored and become at best a mediocre worker. I don’t enjoy that…I was taught to work hard & take pride it that. Now I don’t know what I’ll do. Moving (yes in case I’ve failed to properly mention it we are moving.) is an overwhelming thing in my mind…it’s my great white whale at the moment. Abe has been slowly packing some things & I know that I need to start pitching in as best I am able. I think this weekend the photos will come down off the walls & the books will come off the shelves. Where we are going to go is something we haven’t figured out quite yet. We’re looking for places near Sioux Falls, SD so that Abe has plenty of job opportunities & hopefully steady work. I am looking for something VERY part time; preferably something I can do from home. Plus I’m hoping to find a doctor who can help me with this depression…and the insecurity that overwhelms me. Yet I see the good things coming…being closer to my family whom I love so very much. Also we will be closer to Abe’s brother in Missouri which will be nice for them. I do hope they will be able to spend more time together. And there is much wild beauty on the prairies of my home…much I have not yet trained my camera or inner eye upon to study. I need to do a photo blog post of some of that from the last time I was down there. My heart is torn, cracked & sore…I ache for the things I will miss. Not only the nature that surrounds me but the people. My sister-in-law Anne…my sister in fact. We have shared so many good & difficult times…and a lot of dressing rooms in Maurices. No matter our distance she will be close to my heart as will her precious boys who are like my own almost. I adore them to pieces & have so enjoyed being part of their lives in an everyday sort of way. It will take extra effort from now on but I don’t want to lose that connection…. So I sit here far too late, in my chair with the dogs napping & Abe playing Wii…crying because of the fullness of life—the joys that will come & the sorrow that lingers all jumbled together & rushing me over the sharp edges toward something which I can’t yet see.

Swiss Cheese Brain

Nil17 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:10:12 +0000

Haven’t written much lately….I still don’t know what to say & even if I did I’m not sure that it matters. I’ll be honest I’m feeling sad today. I have had 5 pretty good days in a row but I feel my feet slipping on the edge & I am so tired of fighting & trying to deal that slipping into & embracing the blackness sounds soothing…like slipping under my comforter & between the coolness of the sheets. Recently (in fact I’m leaving it on the front page for awhile) I wrote my first ever music review. It was fun if stressful to write it. Fun because it allowed me to listen again & again to an amazing album…stressful because I wanted to do the album justice (among other things). I worked hard on it! Wrote, rested, re-wrote & finally came up with something I think might be pretty okay. I’m confused & overwhelmed…I want to just walk away from my job & not look back. I don’t know that I’d actually be able to do it though. I’m so torn because I know that my leaving is coming at a bad time for the company yet it isn’t my responsibility…I also know I should finish out my lease on our house but I just want to have the army of friends & family amass itself on my front lawn for marching orders. I know I can’t manage all the packing & cleaning that needs to be done. Usually my brain breaks everything down into nice little lists & I can move through them with satisfaction as the check marks grow. Lately though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the simplest tasks…even reading which I can usually do to the detriment of all else holds no appeal. My brain is like Swiss cheese! I have no idea how I got to be so unhappy (honestly I’m so depressed nothing puts a dent in it for long) with things. I’ve always loved the life I have with Abe. We may not have lots of money but we’ve always gotten by & enjoyed what we have. Our priority isn’t how much is in our savings, retirement & checking accounts. I know there are people who think we should focus more on accumulating money & finances in general—frankly they can piss off. I want a modicum of financial security but not at the expense of my relationships. Things haven’t been perfect but we’ve always managed & we will find a better place. Seriously, anybody who can pretend that they knew the economy was going to take a giant dump & leave so many people without jobs is fooling themselves. Anyway, my point is that in spite of or maybe because of our focus being on the people & time shared rather than money we have rich full lives in a way that we can never lose. Having families that share our celebrations & mundane days are precious…I need to remember that more often. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy because our focus has been altered by outside events: long term unemployment (economy is getting better my ass…), major health issues & suddenly money or the lack thereof is the lens through which everything is measured. Living with all of that has depleted me…I’m always ready to give: my time, my thoughts, my ears, my love & compassion—I haven’t taken time to require that I get the same back. I need to find my way back….it’s going to be hard ‘cuz I am not good at asking for help or accepting good things without arguing (I’m working on saying “Thank You” to compliments though).

Familiarity Breeds….Fear of the Unknown

Nil17 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:08:51 +0000

I don’t know what I’m doing…which for me is a huge problem. I always want to know where I’m headed. I like to have a plan of action, a course to follow, a map to read. I don’t mind taking detours if I’m not just wandering aimlessly. It’s the perfectionist (no that doesn’t apply to my housekeeping…I’m a slob when it comes to that, don’t judge me or I’ll point out your spelling & grammar mistakes) in me; the control freak who needs to know what’s coming. I dislike, no make that loathe, change. There’s so much going on right now & I’m a mess…I’m talking total disaster! It’s “call for federal aid, Hurricane (insert name here) has hit” time. It’s “She can’t take no more Cap’n, she’s starting to break” type stuff….

It’s been nearly 22 months since Abe was last employed. He’s done odd jobs here & there, taken every dollar of unemployment available, tried to make a go of Black Ash & More, applied for every job between here & Bedlam…problem is there just aren’t jobs. The few that are out there (and it’s VERY few) mostly don’t even make it feasible for him to drive to work ‘cuz the pay is so low & the number of miles too great. Of course I can already hear the “you should move” comments. If only it were just that simple…

We don’t have the finances to move…without going into that whole matter let’s just say that coming up with 2+ months rent isn’t going to happen. We’ve cleaned out the retirement accounts ages ago, our savings is gone…our credit….well we won’t go there either. Anything positive we had going came to a screeching halt 2 years ago & we’re sinking now. Not to mention the logistics….

Of course there are benefits…Abe can get a good job again. It’ll mean a lot to him & I will do anything to support him. Moving to the location we are considering would put us closer to his brother in Missouri & a lot closer to my family all of whom I do miss. Yet we’ll be further from his dad, his brother & wife and their boys up here. We won’t be that stone’s throw from the North Shore & all the places we’ve grown to love. The places that refresh my spirit & inspire my soul…the places I’m proud to know & to which I want to play travel guide for visiting friends. Will I ever visit again & feel the wonder that sinks deep into the core of me? I don’t know…right now everything is clouded. I’m not good with change…even when I want to make it. Right now I don’t want to make a change even though my logic tells me that it is what I must do.

I’m afraid….afraid that I’m never going to feel like me, that the people I care for & consider to be my close friends will decide that I’m too much work (I know, I know…my real friends won’t do that…doesn’t make the fear any less real), I’m afraid of losing myself.

Whatever

Nil17 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:15:21 +0000

Hmmmm….so I was feeling really pretty good going into October. Had a few days of feeling almost normal….that’s gone though…a friend told me the other day if I’d lived during Dickens’ time I’d have come up with “Bah Humbug” first (and said it about myself). Yeah well, I’d have been right too…. I don’t really know what to say anymore. I feel trapped — I’ve got to find a way to suck it up ‘cuz that’s really my only option…. Yeah, whatever….I guess self-torture means I may be miserable but I feel something….if I’m lucky I’ll wake up tomorrow & be numb. That would be really nice ‘cuz it would feel a lot better than crying through work & trying to hide it….