Again I take pen in hand (figuratively duh) and prepare to do battle with all that has overwhelmed me lately. I am so confused, upset, hurt, scared, depressed & faithless right now. I hurt so deep inside that it has become physical pain…not the gallbladder pain that I deal with too but a squeezing in my ribs & chest. I feel like I’m being crushed from the inside. Every morning I dread the alarm…I’m so unhappy at my job & I have no clue how to change it any more. I’ve resigned myself to trying to push through & scolding myself for not just sucking it up, doing what I need to do & shutting up about being unhappy.
I have lost what hope I used to have…there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel except the oncoming train. Even the few moments of peace I have found seem to fade too quickly & I can’t even slip into the bubble of the memory to recapture that feeling.
This is SO hard for me to write…I am so depressed! I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve been sad, blue & under the weather….I’ve been cranky, pre-menstrual & just plain in a foul mood. This is something so different. I feel hollow, empty & alone. I sit next to the man I love & feel like he can never hold me tight enough. I do my best to smile & be pleasant while inside I feel like crumbling. I’ve always been the strong one, the leader, the oldest, the one in charge. I was born to that role & assumed it from a young age. Now I don’t know where to turn…some would say turn to God, to the church; others would say turn to friends & family; still others would have totally different advice. The truth is I feel like God has better things to do than listen to me complain because I feel bad about myself. The church hasn’t really had much to offer me other than a bunch of people who don’t seem to understand why I don’t just smile & be thankful. I am thankful in many ways for many things. How I feel isn’t about that. If I could just tell myself not to feel bad believe me when I say it would be done in a heartbeat. This depression (I have a hard time just saying that word) isn’t about being ungrateful or not knowing that I am blessed with a great many things. It’s about feeling isolated because no matter how much I want to feel good I simply don’t.
My family(the whole great big crazy lot of them) & friends (the few I have) are wonderful. I love them very much! How do I tell them that every day is a struggle for me? It’s not that I don’t want every day that has been granted to me…as hard as it has been to get up every day not once have I thought about anything more serious than just staying in bed all month. It’s so hard because I want to see my siblings, my nephews & niece…they are so precious. I love the kids…their innocent smiles & silly antics. Being able to play with them, toss them in the air & hold them close for hugs are delightful times. Yet everybody has their own lives. Just because I can barely find the will to face each day out of my room doesn’t mean I need to burden them with worry over me. In fact I’ve worked my hardest to avoid showing how much hurt I feel right now. It doesn’t always work because it leaks out of me like a punctured jellyfish washed ashore after a storm. I know my family (and friends) can tell I’m not myself. The fun, laughing, smiling girl who is always ready to take on life isn’t here. Call back another time…leave a message at the beep. I have shut myself off in many ways because it hurts me even more to know that Mom is worried about me & that my siblings don’t know what to say. It hurts me that when Abe wants to comfort me instead I feel worse because I’m not able to help him & encourage him. He has dealt with so much–losing his job, working so hard to make a go of the business (disaster that plan is since the economy is completely in the toilet…no it isn’t getting better, trust me), searching every day for a job that will actually allow him to bring home a paycheck rather than just put it all into fuel to get to the job. Then to top it off there’s me: sad, uncertain & sick to boot. Abe works so hard to keep things going so that I don’t worry (ha, right me not worry) & so that I can feel safe and secure when I come home. Knowing he doesn’t understand (I don’t understand…how could he) makes me so sad because he gets me better than anybody else. He puts up with my silly moods, the crazy stories I make up from my odd sense of humor and my weird obsessions/compulsions that can make buying a snack size bag of M & Ms an adventure. Abe has always helped bring balance to me….I hate that he feels there is more he could do. And my friends, well what can I say….the friends that I thought were around aren’t. Boy do I ever feel stupid for falling for that yet again! I know it isn’t easy to be around someone who is constantly struggling…I’ve been on the other side many different times. It is hard to be supportive when someone is depressed. So I rely on my “invisible” friends or rather my wonderful community of crazy, offbeat, intelligent, witty & downright talented Twitter friends. (I know a lot of you may not “get” Twitter…all I have to say is it has to be experienced. There is truly no way to explain Twitter!) I admire so many of them for their fearless take on life–no matter where they are coming from–and even when they are feeling the fear, doubt and everything else the rest of the human race does it makes me feel like I’m not as alone as I sometimes think. Of course right now I feel more alone that ever. I don’t know how to tell some of these friends what I’m truly going through.
So why don’t I want to tell people I consider to be dear friends how I feel? One reason is I don’t want to be a bother. Yes we are dear close friends but they (like me) have their own lives. Jobs, houses, cars, wives, husbands, children, parents, committees etc. They all have stuff in “meat space” (a geek term for in real life or IRL for those of you uninitiated) that demands time & attention. I’m just a girl from Minnesota who is falling apart at the seams–but when it all comes down to the bare facts does that really matter to anybody but me? I want to matter…I want to believe that if our roles were reversed I’d step up & say, “I’m worried about you. My life is crazy & there are 42 other things I should be doing right now but first I need to know that you are okay.” Maybe I would…after all I am the strong shoulder, the willing ear (or I was in another time in my life). How do I say that I need those things now. Yes I can chitchat about weather, sports, politics & other random topics from the zeitgeist. I can joke (easier to fake somewhat when you don’t have to look at anybody) although the more depressed I’ve gotten the more sharp & snide my jokes have become. Meanwhile a lot of times I’m sitting in my chair at home (or like now I’m in bed with the laptop surrounded by a sleeping spouse & 3 dogs) and in between the banter I’m working my way through a box of tissues.
Another reason I don’t want to say anything is I have had a terribly hard time admitting to myself that this isn’t just “the blues”. Whatever is going on is much bigger & scarier to me than feeling a bit sad because it is gray & rainy. I am so scared…I feel like I’m losing my mind, losing myself & who I want to be. This spring I started several positive steps in my life. I set goals to write, to get into a better shape & to really enjoy life. Then summer hit me like ….well like something very hard & angry. I lost my focus on exercise (I was doing great, had increased my stamina etc.), my writing I tried to maintain & as cold day after cold day slipped by my carpe diem attitude went with it. I kept thinking that I’d feel better in a few days. Then August rolled around & I ended up in the hospital. After finding that there is apparently nothing “really” wrong with me I was sent home with a few bottles of pills. One of those bottles contained a neat little drug called nortriptyline. This drug was originally approved for use as a heavy-duty anti-depressant. Wow did that suck!! Suddenly I’m taking this drug (which also works fantastic as an anti-spasmodic/IBS controller) & if I wasn’t already sliding into depression this flung me over like Bill Murray driving off that cliff with Punxsutawney Phil in “Ground Hog Day”. Suddenly I was having nightmares like nothing I’ve ever had before (and I’ve had some doozys….I even can recall in perfect detail to this day my recurring one from childhood). There were also some crazy mood swings….I’d be laughing & then suddenly crying. It was exhausting. Now I’m off the drugs…I have no plans on starting up with them again!
So this post has taken me hours–over a full day has passed since I started writing. It has been a happy/sad day. I’m feeling a bit better for having decided to keep letting all this out. (Actually I’ve had several people give me great encouragement over the past 24 hours….that coupled with what seems to be an almost overwhelming need to write — I got a lot more post brewing in the brain box right now.) I just want…nay, NEED to write so I’m going to keep up as best I can. I realize there will be days where I won’t & that’s okay too. I can’t keep holding all this (whatever “this” is) inside me….
