Something Creative » random thoughts

Barefoot & Pregnant

Nil17 — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:52:00 +0000

As I mentioned in my last post I’ve taken to running around sans pants. Combine our current heat wave (August, I don’t care that you’re the home of “the dog days of summer”, you can just behave yourself) with an increasingly prominent baby bump and pants are even less appealing than normal. The heat index today was 107. Really it isn’t the heat… (all together now) It’s the humidity….

Anyway, I am much more in a nesting mood with this pregnancy than I was with Magnus. I find myself flipping through my Betty Crockery cookbook circa 1950 looking for something new to try. Lately I don’t get beyond looking because really I don’t want to be found by paramedics. It would be seriously mortifying to come out of a heat-induced faint, in a pantsless condition, surrounded by EMTs.

Most days find me puttering about the house trying to keep the mess under control. I haven’t been very successful the past few weeks but I’m slowly working on it. Magnus happily plays & follows me about the main floor. He likes to chatter to me & is really starting to dance when certain music plays. We usually snuggle in the recliner for an afternoon nap.

Many days I do a load or two (if I’m really ambitious…lugging baskets up & down two flights of stairs is hard work) of laundry. I’m sure I make quite a sight out on our front porch hanging clothes… barefoot (possibly sans pants), bending over to grab stuff & then straightening up (obligatory hand on the small of my back); my tank top failing to conceal the growing baby bump.

I’m fairly content when I have days like that. Like maybe I’ve got a bit of life in some semblance of order… That I’m not a total disaster…

Random Nothings

Nil17 — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 03:12:01 +0000

I have a lot in my head but it is hard to put to the page. This month is flying by in many ways though some days seem to drag.
The heat has been record setting and there is no end in sight. Normally I don’t mind the heat & humidity of our summers here. This year with Magnus & a baby on the way I just want cooler weather. The lack of air conditioning in the house really makes daily chores a nightmare. I get overheated trying to clean or cook and my first priority has to be how I feel. I am praying for a few days of cooler weather soon…I need to get stuff done.

Overall I feel pretty good with the pregnancy though. I have only gained about 10 pounds so far which I’m very happy about. The weight I already have seems to be moving around though so I’m finding that my pants are getting uncomfortable. Of course that is the silver lining to this heat cloud…it is just far too hot for pants. If you’re thinking about visiting, call first.

Other than that I’m not sure what to say. I’m cranky & irritable, wishing I were superwoman and missing the contact I usually maintain with friends.

Hard to Love

Nil17 — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 21:56:00 +0000

I’m tired. Not just physically but emotionally & mentally. My week is always a challenge when Abe is out of town. This week is no different. I have spent a couple days with my brother and his family which helps me feel less alone. Magnus is fun, makes me smile and gives me great snuggles. It is hard work but I love having Magnus around most of the time.

A thought struck me tonight though. I’m more lucky than I maybe realize that I have Magnus. He loves me. It may sound like the most simplistic statement ever but it bears repeating. Magnus loves me.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a clean t-shirt to wear, my hair is a mess, I’m hormonal, growing bigger by the second, struggle with depression, have a short fuse on my temper some days or that I fall short every day. To Magnus I am comfort, fun, happiness and of course food.

I’m hard to love for other people (I think)… I wish I weren’t.
To be the happy-go-lucky, always smiling, positive outlook, fuzzy warm baby snuggles girl would be great. I often wish I were that girl…instead I work hard to have something nice to say. With my friends I really strive to be encouraging, to have the words that will make a positive impact on them.

Whether or not I’m successful remains to be seen. I know I don’t always succeed. Also, because I’m not prone to seeing the positive for myself it is difficult for me to accept when others do. I am (more so now while I’m pregnant) needy & insecure. I feel lonely & at times forgotten by those I consider to be some of my closest friends. I feel trapped outside of the amusement park of life.

There is part of me that realizes this is silly. Everybody is busy with life, work, spouses etc. I know in the logical (and smaller part of my inner voice) that everything remains steadfast…that I’m not forgotten. Still the insecure girl who so wants to be liked worries about whether maybe ~this~ time I really will be forgotten and left behind.

It makes me sad…I just hope that in spite of how hard it may be to love me that people will continue to do so. I give of my love as freely as I can. My hope is that in some small way it compensates those who have opened their hearts to me.

Birthday Guilt

Nil17 — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 15:39:54 +0000

I’ve been trying to avoid today. See today is my birthday & I’ve never been a big fan of it. I realize that sounds crazy but seriously…have you met me? (Okay, you probably haven’t since this is the interwebz but the point remains the same.) In thinking about today I’ve had some odd realizations regarding why I feel the way I do about my birthday.

First I should say that I adore celebrating other people’s birthdays. The excitement of finding the perfect card/gift, thinking of ways to make them feel special, surprising them if possible (though never making them think they’ve been forgotten), good food, laughter…the whole schmear. I love it (plus if I’m lucky I get to help organize it. Organizing something like that gives me warm fuzzies) & the look of joy on the recipient’s face makes it worthwhile.

I, on the other hand, am not a fan of the surprise. I like to know what’s coming. Add to that a birthday a week before Christmas & being the oldest of 8 and there you have it…my dislike of that day when I was born.

Of course all those are surface reasons. Over the last several days I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. I feel guilty about my birthday. Now I realize that just seems ridiculous but let me dive into the whys & wherefores.

One reason I think I feel guilty about it is that Christmas is a week later. I feel uncomfortable asking people to spend time celebrating when there is a major holiday looming. It is such a busy time of year with the holiday parties, gift shopping et cetera. Plus traditionally there are gifts involved in birthday celebrations. Being so close to Christmas I feel selfish wanting gifts for both occasions. On the other hand I also feel slighted when I receive a combo gift (birthday/Christmas) because the two days are separate. I can’t imagine how someone whose birthday is actually on a major holiday deals with it.

Another reason I feel guilty about my birthday is because I am the oldest of 8 kids. Growing up we didn’t have a lot of extras though my folks were fantastic about making birthdays, Christmases et cetera special days. Mom always made our favorite meal & dessert. Gifts may not always have been extravagant but they were always well thought out & special. However, I felt like I was asking for more than I really should. I knew that there were gifts to be purchased for the family since Christmas was right around the corner. What right did I have to ask for something that I wanted as a birthday gift.

That feeling carries on today. I don’t want to ask for anything for my birthday…I feel selfish & greedy. I don’t like to ask people to celebrate with me. Asking makes me feel like I’m begging for the attention…That if I have to ask people will respond out of obligation rather than the true desire to be with me. I always hope that someone (or several someones) will ask me if there is anything I want to do for my birthday. Of course I can’t help but build up my expectations in my head. Every year I tell myself that I won’t create any expectations for my birthday; that way I won’t be disappointed but instead happily excited by what the day brings. Every year I fail…I can’t help hoping that something fabulous will happen. A dinner party, family & friends gathered around for cake (or cheesecake preferably), lots of fun & laughter. Small tokens of their esteem tied up with brightly colored bows in a cluster in the center of the table. Then home with Abe for some time just for us.

I woke up this morning & the feeling of anticipation weighed heavily in my stomach…waiting to see what today will bring. The sun is shining so far & we shall see what this year brings. I have a date with Abe for 7:30 tonight. Now if only I had pants that fit….

Things Learned on a Tuesday Morning

Nil17 — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 18:52:20 +0000

Learned some things this morning when I got up today. It was all a bit harsh for the unfiltered light of a Tuesday morning. As I stumbled, bleary-eyed from a night of being up with the Boy, through the bathroom I caught a glimpse of myself in the Mirror of Doom. I have to say on a scale of 1-horrifying it was definitely horrifying with a side of OMG. After that jolt, I’ve decided that never EVER being naked for any reason is a must. Despite the fact I’ve lost a truly good amount of weight in the last four months things are certainly not looking better. With the vertical scar down the center of my stomach, the bizarre increase of hail damage & stretch marks (which I did NOT have during pregnancy) I look like a candidate for a Halloween costume model. I light of that moment I proceeded to dress in two long sleeve shirts & jeans. (The fact that it is fall here in the Midwest & quite cool may have also had a little something to do with it.) I have been “exercising”…if you call running up & down the stairs all day, often times holding baby or lugging laundry, exercise. I don’t know that a more consistent regimen would help a lot…it’s like a landslide danger zone rather than a body in progress.

Another lesson I learned is if you ask yourself whether or not the jeans you are about to put on are “Mom jeans” then the answer is probably yes. I don’t know for certain these are but I’m using my educated guessing abilities. I have a couple pair of jeans that definitely are NOT “Mom jeans” but I can’t wear them every day. Again the weight loss is a double edged blessing. I’m into pants that are much smaller than I’ve worn in a long time yet I don’t have any that fit me well. As a fashion plate I am flunking. Too bad I don’t really have a rich relative in . I could use that $4, 682, 379, 510, 000 right now for a shopping spree.

That was all the lessons I could deal with for one day…I decided to skip straight to indulging in some snuggles with Magnus. He’s teething & fighting a wicked head cold. We cuddled & then napped a bit. After he woke up Magnus worked on rolling over…he can roll from tummy to back but hasn’t quite figured out how to reverse that. He gets from his back to almost all the way over but can’t quite manage to get that one arm around. It won’t be long though. I enjoy watching the new things Magnus learns much more than I did my own lessons today.

PS: Mini-rant~~ What is up with all these bizarre commercials for women & their time of the month? Seriously I’ve seen this commercial the last few days talking about experiencing intense monthly bleeding… “It may be a condition known as ‘heavy monthly bleeding’….” Ummm…. REALLY?? I mean REALLY??!!??!! That’s a “condition”? I honestly can’t believe that there is a “medicine” to combat that now. What other “diseases” are being thought up to make women feel like their bodies aren’t good enough as they are? It drives me up a wall that no matter what a woman’s body does somebody somewhere is busy thinking up ways to make us all feel abnormal & in need of medical intervention.

Fashion Week Or You Want Me to Wear What?

Nil17 — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 22:11:06 +0000

The fashion world has been agog at the latest styles/trends for the autumn/winter season. Many of the headlines/tweets I’ve seen have made much of “plus-size” runway fashions. Apparently in Milan there was a kerfuffle over the designer who has opened the last 5 years being left off the official calendar this year. In New York, the big news was their first ever “plus-size” runway. So why do I (or you) care? Well I should start by saying that I do like seeing more realistic women on the catwalk. However, I’m not about to fall for the “real women are finally being accepted in fashion” propaganda being fired at me. For one thing none of the models are shorter than 5’8” (I’m guessing but I bet they probably aren’t even that short). Another is all these models are what I think of as “pretty fat”. These women are gorgeous, there’s no denying it. I see them & think “Damn, she’s looks fine”. But “pretty fat” is the least objectionable to the fashionistas. These gorgeous Amazonian women are plumb & curvy in all the right places. Never an unsightly tummy bulge or that inconvenient under arm wobble. But back to the issue of why care… I don’t know about you but I’m not 5’8”— in fact I’m just 5’2” & weigh somewhere between 200-800 lbs. (You didn’t actually think I’d post my real weight did you?!?) The fact is that all the clothes that look so fantastic on the catwalk look pretty ridiculous on me. I mean seriously why is it that pants are either too long (average) or just that bit too short (petite) so that I look like I’m wearing someone else’s pants? Not to mention that the pants (or jeans, shorts, skirt) may fit in the waist or the hips but never both at once. I just bought new pants a couple weeks ago—tried them on & they fit really well. In fact I looked in the mirror and wonder of wonders; I didn’t shudder & close my eyes. I even did a pirouette in the mirror so I could look at them from all angles. The rub here is that while the size I ended up purchasing fits pretty well there is a significant gap at the waist. Now when I wear them I’m constantly hitching them up just a bit. It is beyond me that we can’t get some sort of standard for women’s sizes. While making pants the men’s are made wouldn’t necessarily be the answer it would be a damn sight closer & could take some of the dread out of buying jeans. Another fashion issue that drives me up a wall is the way designers just make skinny clothes bigger. I get that this sounds like a no-brainer. The problem is that if you take a shirt designed for a size 2 & just add more fabric you end up with a tent style garment that resembles a shirt. Frankly I’m tired of wanting clothes that look good on the hanger (not dissimilar to the original model) but are tight in odd places (like under the armpit) but hang or gape too wide at the waist. Is it so difficult to use a woman of the appropriate size on which to base your patterns? Apparently it is because I’m appalled at some of the items I see for sale to fat girls (plus-size, BBW, etc. whatever you want to call us). I won’t even go into the whole shirt dress craze…. *rolls eyes* I have to say this…it makes me crazy to walk into a store & see WHITE pants in plus sizes. Come on ladies, you know better than to wear those white pants. They barely look decent on a tiny little stick person; you know that they aren’t the most flattering thing you own. I admit I’ve tried on white pants only to look in the mirror & shriek in horror. I know I’m not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but white pants (jeans, skirts, skorts, capris etc) make me look like Moby Dick. Were Melville alive today he’d die from disbelief that his creature had come to life in a women’s dressing room. Do yourself & your self-esteem a HUGE favor; resist the urge to buy or wear them. Of course no discussion of fashion would be complete without my well-worn rant about bras. There remains a disturbing lack of appropriate bras. I’ve ranted about it before (twice). I can now add in a diatribe against nursing bras. I mean for the love of chocolate—how is it that when a woman needs extra support the most it is as hard to find as an honest politician. I’m not kidding when I say the nursing bras I found that fit do not do much besides hold the girls in a general sort of way. Simply walking to the kitchen starts a jiggle that makes jello look sturdy. Forget running up the stairs or walking briskly through Target. How is it that when I want a cute, sexy bra all I can find are bullet-cupped, grandma bras yet when I need a bra like that all I can find are see-through mesh cups? It’s insane. I dream of the day when I can get an attractive (or even a slutty one if I’m really feeling daring) bra without having to sell my 1st born on the black market. If there’s anybody out there looking to make great bras for us ladies who have the need for great looking bras (and matching oh please let there be matching panties) let me know. I will happily be your muse. All I can say is ladies, you lovely women who look like women & not 13 year old boys, please be conscious of what you wear. Just because the fashion industry has deemed long tunics & “jeggings” to be the must-have look this season does NOT mean we should all run out & get them. Rather find that comfortable worn pair of jeans, a comfy second hand sweater & splurge on some great leather boots. After all, YOU are definitely worth it!

The Run Down

Nil17 — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 20:29:12 +0000

I’m so tired. I don’t feel like I’m really functioning lately…more like going through the motions. It is terribly frustrating as Magnus is starting to really sleep at night with few wake-up times. Usually he sleeps 4-6 hours the first time he goes down. So wonderful for both of us as he still isn’t a big fan of the daytime nap. Yet over the last 2 weeks I’ve found it increasingly difficult to sleep. The sad thing is that the harder I work at sleeping the less success I seem to have. I visited my doctor yesterday…just a follow-up appointment for my meds & to check my thyroid. My doctor suspects that part of my depression/fatigue/general feeling of malaise my be related to an under-active thyroid. While I really don’t want to have ANOTHER problem it would be nice to have an answer to all of this. Also, my doctor asked me about my visits to the psychologist. After several calls where I left messages I never did get a call back from the mental health organization…how nice that they took any of my messages about feeling depressed & struggling with post-partum seriously.* They are quite lucky I have no urge to hurt myself or Magnus. (I would like to disappear…become invisible in fact.) Anyway, the therapist I saw told me that as long as I’m breast-feeding I cannot switch to other medication. The therapist also suggested I ask for melatonin to aid my insomnia. My doctor scoffed at that & said that I need to see a psychiatrist to discuss my options for medication. Apparently there may be a “helper” med that I can take with what I already have. Of course I can’t even get in to see the psychiatrist until the 21st of this month. In the meantime I’m taking my meds as directed (I’m very diligent about it & take them at the same time every day…of course I have to have an alarm to remind me). Exercise would probably help with my moods/physical fatigue…I am greatly lacking in the motivation department though. With the move I have been hauling boxes & packing so that made me feel pretty good. It was quite nice to feel up to hauling boxes of books around. That coupled with a very necessary shopping trip (it REALLY was necessary—I’ve lost quite a bit of weight & I needed to get pants that fit.) where I bought pants several sizes smaller than I have worn in a while plus a cute bit of girl-y something (all on major discount!) did give me a bit of a boost over the weekend. Now if I could just feel rested I’d be on my way to feeling better.

Cracking the Books

Nil17 — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 22:37:02 +0000

As you may know, we are in the middle of another move. This one is happening at a leisurely pace which makes it so much more pleasant. The living room is half moved, the upstairs will be empty tonight & all that is left in the basement is the washer & dryer. Our bedroom, the kitchen & the bathroom are still completely untouched but we will move most of that this coming weekend. This past weekend we moved some things including our books & book shelves. Here’s a quick peek at that little piece of the move. Yes all those boxes are full of books…no we can’t put all of them on the shelves we have. Not to mention that I seem unable to keep myself from adding to the collection on a regular basis. Still the shelves will look very nice in my new sitting room.

Young & Old

Nil17 — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 02:00:07 +0000

Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting. He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows. So many precious times to be lived & cherished. As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother. Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly. More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles. Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age. Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be. She forgets important things like latching her door. Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times. Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit. Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night. I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house. I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work. Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.

What Are You Thinking About?

Nil17 — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 18:41:39 +0000

The other night Magnus was sleeping early so Abe & I were snuggling; enjoying the quiet time together. After a few minutes of silence I asked what he was thinking about. “Nothing much, just you”, he replied. I laughed; it figures that is the answer I would get. Abe isn’t big on sharing what goes on inside his head. Many times I feel like some sort of mind-reading machine trying to figure out what’s up with him. After a few more minutes Abe asked what I was thinking about. “I’m a girl; there are hundreds of thoughts floating around in my brain. In fact, I really wish I could just shut it off for awhile”, I turned to look at him, “You really don’t want to hear all the stuff that’s floating around up there”. We bantered back and forth for a bit about it. Abe kept insisting he wanted to know what I was thinking; I kept telling him that letting that loose would ruin our quiet mood. Finally to end the discussion I started listing things that were popping up as thoughts. (I have heard the brain described as an intricate filing system. Men can have 2 maybe 3 drawers open at a time; any more & their filing cabinet tips over making a mess. Women can have dozens of drawers open at one time & quickly flip between them. Not only that but women can leave drawers partially open while men shut each drawer firmly.) Here in no particular order are some of the thoughts that I expressed last night…. I’m wondering about moving again, how we will manage the actual move, the logistics of packing with an additional person in the family, how we will manage to clear snow this winter since we don’t have a snow blower & it’s a much larger area than Abe can realistically shovel, how I’m going to furnish/decorate the new house, how Magnus will like the new house, how the dogs will like the new house, that I need the psychologist to call me back so I can make an appointment to discuss taking different meds for my depression, my depression doesn’t seem to be helped by my current meds so what difference does it make if I take them, I need to do my laundry, what to make for my family reunion on Saturday, will the weather be decent on Saturday, how will Magnus deal with traveling that far, will Magnus be in a good frame of mind, what should I wear to the reunion, I hate my hair—I wish it looked nicer, I feel defectivebrokendented, will I ever feel like “myself” again, I need to start back on my WiiFit, I don’t have the motivation to start back on the WiiFit, I need a job, I need to be able to stay home & take care of Magnus, I wish I could get paid to write, how can I get paid to write when I can’t even manage to update my blog on a semi-regular basis…. You get the idea anyway. As I was listing off things that I was thinking about more & more popped into my head. It was a bit like that scene in “Ghostbusters” where the poltergeist makes all the cards fly out of the card catalogue. I told Abe that I felt like my brain was full of posty notes randomly stuck all without any discernible pattern. He laughed as I went on a spiel about how with all those posty notes stuck everywhere it was no wonder my brain wasn’t working right & that I was forgetting things…new posties keep getting stuck on top of old ones. That’s some of what I’m thinking about…what are YOU thinking about?