As you may know, we are in the middle of another move.  This one is happening at a leisurely pace which makes it so much more pleasant. The living room is half moved, the upstairs will be empty tonight & all that is left in the basement is the washer & dryer.  Our bedroom, the kitchen & the bathroom are still completely untouched but we will move most of that this coming weekend.  This past weekend we moved some things including our books & book shelves.  Here’s a quick peek at that little piece of the move.

Yes all those boxes are full of books…no we can’t put all of them on the shelves we have.  Not to mention that I seem unable to keep myself from adding to the collection on a regular basis.  Still the shelves will look very nice in my new sitting room.

Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting.  He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the  years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows.  So many precious times to be lived & cherished.

As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother.  Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly.  More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles.  Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age.  Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be.  She forgets important things like latching her door.  Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times.  Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit.  Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night.  I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house.  I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work.

Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.

The other night Magnus was sleeping early so Abe & I were snuggling; enjoying the quiet time together.  After a few minutes of silence I asked what he was thinking about.  “Nothing much, just you”, he replied.  I laughed; it figures that is the answer I would get.  Abe isn’t big on sharing what goes on inside his head.  Many times I feel like some sort of mind-reading machine trying to figure out what’s up with him.

After a few more minutes Abe asked what I was thinking about.  “I’m a girl; there are hundreds of thoughts floating around in my brain.  In fact, I really wish I could just shut it off for awhile”, I turned to look at him, “You really don’t want to hear all the stuff that’s floating around up there”.  We bantered back and forth for a bit about it.  Abe kept insisting he wanted to know what I was thinking; I kept telling him that letting that loose would ruin our quiet mood.  Finally to end the discussion I started listing things that were popping up as thoughts.  (I have heard the brain described as an intricate filing system.  Men can have 2 maybe 3 drawers open at a time; any more & their filing cabinet tips over making a mess.  Women can have dozens of drawers open at one time & quickly flip between them.  Not only that but women can leave drawers partially open while men shut each drawer firmly.) Here in no particular order are some of the thoughts that I expressed last night….

I’m wondering about moving again, how we will manage the actual move, the logistics of packing with an additional person in the family, how we will manage to clear snow this winter since we don’t have a snow blower & it’s a much larger area than Abe can realistically shovel, how I’m going to furnish/decorate the new house, how Magnus will like the new house, how the dogs will like the new house, that I need the psychologist to call me back so I can make an appointment to discuss taking different meds for my depression, my depression doesn’t seem to be helped by my current meds so what difference does it make if I take them, I need to do my laundry, what to make for my family reunion on Saturday, will the weather be decent on Saturday, how will Magnus deal with traveling that far, will Magnus be in a good frame of mind, what should I wear to the reunion, I hate my hair–I wish it looked nicer, I feel defectivebrokendented, will I ever feel like “myself” again, I need to start back on my WiiFit, I don’t have the motivation to start back on the WiiFit, I need a job, I need to be able to stay home & take care of Magnus, I wish I could get paid to write, how can I get paid to write when I can’t even manage to update my blog on a semi-regular basis….

You get the idea anyway.  As I was listing off things that I was thinking about more & more popped into my head.  It was a bit like that scene in “Ghostbusters” where the poltergeist makes all the cards fly out of the card catalogue.  I told Abe that I felt like my brain was full of posty notes randomly stuck all without any discernible pattern.  He laughed as I went on a spiel about how with all those posty notes stuck everywhere it was no wonder my brain wasn’t working right & that I was forgetting things…new posties keep getting stuck on top of old ones.

That’s some of what I’m thinking about…what are YOU thinking about?

Right now Magnus is sleeping in his swing, the dogs are sleeping around the house & my mind is a mess. I’m beyond tired, I need a shower, I’m nearly out of clean clothes to wear, my house is a disaster again & Abe is gone until Tuesday night. At least Magnus seems to be getting over his cold (though he’s still congested).

Now before you tell me that this is what being a mommy is all about let me halt you. I am very aware of it…and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Okay, I’d change the lack of sleep…but everything else Magnus related I can handle. I’ve found wells of patience that nobody in the world would have imagined I could possess. Even though we’ve had days & nights of crying/screaming until Magnus is hoarse; I don’t feel at all close to getting upset other than I’ve cried because I feel bad for not being able to comfort him. When he cries that hard my heart breaks a little. Of course when he calms down & looks at me with his wide eyes I am captivated.

My brain feels split in two though. I’m so excited & feel amazingly blessed to have the honor of being a mom. I truly enjoy the feedings & don’t even mind the diapers (it’s only been seven weeks…that could certainly change) that seem to pile up everywhere. On the other hand I’m sad, feeling isolated & very much alone. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even have the words really. Mostly I feel like I’m watching everything from outside myself. There’s this film over everything–like a shade between what I’m experiencing as a mom & my thoughts. I loathe feeling the disconnect–I know it keeps me from truly living every day.  This summer is passing me by so fast it is a blur of days that are notable only for their sameness.  I can only pick out a few days as being special.  Obviously the day of Magnus’ birth….

Basically I don’t really know what to say without spilling all my worry & depression out.  So I’m trying to be silent & if I can’t be silent I’m trying to fake being okay….

Every small town in this area (in fact in the country probably) has some type of summer weekend fling. They celebrate the town’s heritage etc. Here we have “Wheels & Squeals”…a combination car show & rib fest weekend. There are quite a few events along with food, requisite beer garden & live music. After reading the proposed events it has been decided that in spite of my bed rest requirements we must attend some of the events. Obviously I will be taking my lawn chair as well as my camera. I could not in all good conscience •not• bring my beloved readers a look at what is sure to be a white trashy good time. I mean who wants to miss the burnout contest, ugliest/loudest car contest, greased pig chase and so much more.

All of this occurs next weekend (coinciding with a visit from my mother-in-law) so stay tuned for what is surely going to be a weekend of ….well quite possibly abject horror.

I also need to recap our trip to RockFest in KC last month. We had a good time & enjoyed seeing Hubby’s brother. I will take the time to post the pictures I managed to take along with a full description of all the craziness we witnessed.

Of course there is always baby stuff for me to carry on about but we shall see if I have the energy to hash over how I’m doing in that department.

In the meantime I highly recommend that you check out the following blogs for something entertaining, thought-provoking & just plain good reading.

Check out my friend Mary at Fit This, Girl! for fitness tips, encouragement, good recipes & general boosting of spirits.

A Twitter friend, Sugarwilla over at her blog is working on 30 Days of Gratitude. Stop for a bit & leave a comment.

Another Twitter friend, Amy over at Taste Like Crazy always has something fun going on. Check her out for wild & crazy stories about being a mom, writer, wife etc.

For a look at what’s happening with one of my favorite bands check out Shadow Gallery. I know they are rehearsing for a trip to Europe where they will debut live at ProgPower Europe 2010.

Another place to check out some great music & writing is over at The Mutant Mouse Chronicles. The head Mutant Mouse has been writing a lot & also has links to where you can get his music. I highly recommend you get some (or all) of what is on offer.

Yes I know it’s been ages since I wrote anything here. Truth be told I’m suffering from a lack of inspiration. Of course there is always Baby to think about yet I’m not totally prepared to share all of that with ya’ll. There’s so much going on in my head there that I can’t really organize it all. Not to mention I am suffering from “pregnancy brain”…that is to say I have the attention span of an earthworm when I’m awake & that isn’t very much as I seem to have developed a form of narcolepsy over the past 8 months.

So here I am snuggling into bed for the night after having decided that I wanted to change the look of my blog. This is a totally different format than anything I’ve seen before & I’m going to try it out for a bit. I would love to get some feedback on this so please (pretty, pretty please with a cherry & chocolate drizzle on top) leave a comment.

I’m contemplating setting up a separate domain/subdomain for any poetry that I may write & migrating what’s on here to that space. We shall see as I have no idea how to go about that & my brain is mush.

Basically all I can say is that I haven’t forgotten about this blog & would like to write more…I just don’t seem to be able to find the words. I know, I know…how can that possibly be? Yet here I am struggling to finish this random post.

I also want to mention a blog that I read (inconsistently at best much to my shame) Sugarwilla & Spice.  During the month of June she is going to focus on “30 days of Gratitude” during June.  Please stop by & read her blog…participate if you feel so moved.

That’s all for now…we’ll see if I can get more consistent with posting over the next month…and then Baby arrives– that should be good for some pictures at least.

Lying in bed this morning I was chatting with Abe & we were talking about Baby.  Not a big surprise since right now that’s the biggest thing going on with us.  Baby Fred was busy showing off & making known how strong s/he is.

Of course I got to thinking about what it’ll be like after Baby Fred is born & we go about our lives.  For some reason the idea of going out to eat & needing to nurse popped into my head.  Now I don’t have a problem with women breastfeeding in public…I was breastfed as were all my siblings.  I’ve seen tons of women do it in every type of public space.  It’s a very natural & ordinary event to me.  Now here comes the but….

I think there are women who abuse the idea of breastfeeding.  They whip out the tit & parade it around for the world to see while touting their “right” to nurse their child.  Hey you have every right to nurse….you do NOT have the right to wave your milk-laden udder in the faces of every person within the line of sight & then complain when a) they stare or b) they ask y0u to cover up a bit.  Seriously if you think popping out a boob in the middle of a restaurant isn’t going to attract some looks you’re out of your ever-loving mind.  I’m not saying you have to slink away into a dark corner & hide under a giant tented blanket.  I do think that a bit of propriety, some semblance of modesty, is in good taste.

Where did all this ranty-ness come from you ask… well quite simply from this news story.  It all started on Easter Sunday when this woman nursed her child in a busy restaurant.  I’ll let you read the story rather than rehash it here.  Basics are she & her family were asked to leave.  She claims it was because of the breastfeeding…the restaurant claims it was because her male companion was loud & verbally abusive to employees.

Now I’ve eaten in the restaurant in question.  In fact I’ve been there with my sister-in-law Anne, her 2 kids & her husband.  At the time the youngest E was nursing.  He got fussy & needed to be fed before we left.  So Anne (who is far more modest than I) proceeded to breastfeed right there in our booth.  No fanfare, no big production & no controversy.  She simply took care of business & that was that.  In fact we’ve been in restaurants all over the place where E needed to eat & there was never a problem.  Nobody got offended, pitched a hissy fit or asked us to leave.

Why?  It’s very simple.  Anne simply didn’t feel the need to flip her shirt up to her chin, expose her entire breast & create a scene where she drew attention to the moment.  Granted there were people that noticed.  I know that employees of the various establishments saw, in fact many times a waiter/waitress would come by the table to see if we needed more service or to deliver the bill.

Basically I don’t see a reason why there has to be such a brouhaha about the whole issue.  Women have breasts, women with infants tend to breastfeed.  Get over your feminist inclinations to force everyone to recognize your “wymynpower”.  Just take care of your kid, keep yourself modest (I’m not talking burqas here, but maybe a receiving blanket or a burp cloth) & get on with life.  I can guarantee you there are a damn sight more important things than your boobs that need attention in today’s society.  If you really need to put your boobies on parade head on down to Mardi Gras.

A year ago I waxed (somewhat) poetic about the joys of spring.  I was often found sitting on my front patio (sometimes wrapped in a large blanket) enjoying the sounds, scents & sun of that time.  I reveled at my country dwelling & all the charms present.  Flowers blooming, trees flowering & heavy with the scent of promised fall apples.  The nearby water offered up the choral performances of frogs calling for mates.  It was a heady time full of desire & I was stepping out into an unknown realm.  I was more than ready to embrace it & my exuberance was obvious.

This year is a world apart from that time.  I’m feeling much more jaded with life (not that I’ve ever been much of a wide-eyed girl) and find it hard to look at anything like I did then.  My summer took a turn when I ended up in hospital for a week at the beginning of August.  That set me back physically as expected but the mental aspect I was something for which I was NOT prepared.

With my plans & dreams of the spring wilting under the heat of late summer & my body betraying me I was lost.  For the first time I was enveloped in a fog of depression.  I wasn’t ready to deal with it nor even to admit it (not even in my own head) for a long time.  I pulled into myself, avoiding as much contact/interaction with people as I could, and felt the promising blossoms of spring turn with the oncoming fall weather.

Work was more than a difficult situation, life at home was increasingly frustrating as we tried to find a solution to Abe’s jobless status & I felt like hibernating.  We made a big decision to start looking for jobs & housing outside of our current area.  This led to several trips back to my hometown area as jobs were more available and housing was much less expensive.  Soon we had agreed that a move to another state (near where I grew up) was in order & preparations began.

Now we are moved in if not settled in & things are going okay.  With the oncoming warm weather I find that glimmer of light encouraging me that I will find the end of this feeling (whatever it may be…I’m hard pressed to define it).  Life is about to go around another sharp curve this summer when I finally become a mother.  July 6th is fast approaching & I am totally unprepared for the event.  I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there really isn’t a way I can be prepared…and we all know how I like to be prepared, organized & ready for any eventuality.

Right now I’m sitting on my new patio in our tiny little backyard feeling the wind from the prairie whoosh through town & enjoying the sun, blossoming trees & occasional birdsong….a burst of spring to remind me that nothing remains unchanged.

It’s been two months since we moved.  Hubby got a job & is working nearly 6 days a week.  I’m so proud of him & know he’s much happier.  I’m thankful that he’s able to get out & do what he loves.

I however am at home every day.  I was ill throughout January & a good part of February.  On top of all that I’m struggling with not having a friends close by.  I feel so isolated from everything.  Getting up every day is a challenge….some days I do really well & others not so much.  My doctor put me on an anti-depressant & it is helping some.  Today isn’t one of those days….today is a curled in a ball, blanket over my head, box of kleenex crumpled around me kind of day.

I feel like I might shatter into a million pieces like a porcelain doll handled carelessly.  My breath is choked off & I feel like I’m lost, wandering in a barren dark space.  The only thing that makes me feel anything good is when I feel Baby moving.  That little person means so much to me & I can’t wait to hold him/her.

No idea why I started writing this actually….I haven’t had any interest in writing (or reading) these last months.  Seems like all my inspiration (or whatever it was) has dried up, disappeared & gone for good.  Maybe it’s living here on the prairie….the wind snatched my muse away on to a more deserving person.

Sorry this is so disjointed. I don’t even really know what to say except being solitary me hurts.

Main Entry: grate·ful

Pronunciation: \?gr?t-f?l\

Function: adjective

Etymology: obsolete grate pleasing, thankful, from Latin gratus — more at grace

Date: 1552
1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude <grateful thanks>
2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

Main Entry: thank·ful

Pronunciation: \?tha?k-f?l\

Function: adjective

Date: before 12th century
1 : conscious of benefit received <for what we are about to receive make us truly thankful>
2 : expressive of thanks <thankful service>
3 : well pleased : glad <was thankful that it didn’t rain>

I’m going with definition 1 in each case.  The first thing that struck me was the way benefits are recognized.  In being grateful there is an appreciation of benefits received while with thankful there is conciousness of benefits received.  That difference pulled me up short.  So many times people say they are thankful for their family, job, house, food etc. (there are always things for which to be thankful) but how many people are grateful for these same things?

Being grateful means that you appreciate the benefits & not just merely recognize that they exist (thankful).

Main Entry: ap·pre·ci·ate

Pronunciation: \?-?pr?-sh?-??t, -?pri- also -?pr?-s?-\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): ap·pre·ci·at·ed; ap·pre·ci·at·ing

Etymology: Late Latin appretiatus, past participle of appretiare, from Latin ad- + pretium price — more at price

Date: 1655
transitive verb 1 a : to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of <appreciate the difference between right and wrong> b : to value or admire highly <appreciates our work> c : to judge with heightened perception or understanding : be fully aware of <must see it to appreciate it> d : to recognize with gratitude <certainly appreciates your kindness>
2 : to increase the value of

synonyms appreciate, value, prize, treasure, cherish mean to hold in high estimation. appreciate often connotes sufficient understanding to enjoy or admire a thing’s excellence <appreciates fine wine>. value implies rating a thing highly for its intrinsic worth <values our friendship>. prize implies taking a deep pride in something one possesses <Americans prize their freedom>. treasure emphasizes jealously safeguarding something considered precious <a treasured memento>. cherish implies a special love and care for something <cherishes her children above all>.