Something Creative » people

Twenty Years Or So

Nil17 — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 21:56:56 +0000

This past week life reminded me how the more time passes the less things change. A family friend for almost as far back as I can remember took a nasty spill due to excessive ice. He was home alone at his farm. The fall resulted in a broken leg that required surgery. His kids came down to be with him & while in surgery his heart stopped twice. Now he is in the hospital…his leg is still broken, his heart has been taxed terribly & his kidneys are failing. He has all sorts of tubes, wires & machines surrounding him. He is unable to talk & is under sedation 90 percent of the day.

On Sunday I took my kids and husband & we went to see this family. Now I think the last time I saw any of the kids was about 22 years ago. I’m guessing but I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since that’s when the oldest girl, C, graduated from high school. So for the first 18 years of my life I knew them well. We hung out, slept over, tore around each other’s farms & generally spent a lot of time together. Now we’re all grown, have spouses/SO & kids, jobs etc. There’s a lot of life that has happened to all of us.

As we were talking it was like the intervening years shrank into a split second. We all looked the same (barring a few gray hairs, wrinkles & pounds), we laugh the same & the joint memories of childhood were recalled with laughter & hidden tears.

I am so sad that it has taken a very sad time in their lives for us to reconnect. Seeing their Dad lying in that bed made my heart hurt so much. Partly because he is someone I know & we never want to see good people suffer. However, I also have to acknowledge that I’m not getting any younger & that means my parents aren’t either. I’m not ready to face that. I know that doesn’t matter; that nothing changes the fact that death will come for each of us.

I can’t imagine how my friends feel. Every time their dad comes out of sedation for a little bit they wonder if it is the last time. Will they ever see his eyes open again? Will they ever get to hold his hand and feel it’s warmth after this second? So many questions & the unknown of where they end. I simply pray that they are all given peace to endure this time, grace to withstand the pain & love overflowing as they say the words that we are sometimes robbed of the chance to say.

Author’s Note: A few short hours after I wrote this I got word that my friends’ dad had died. While I am deeply saddened for their loss I am glad to know that he is free of pain & his fragile earthly body. He is now at peace & reunited with his wife.

You Want Kids?

Nil17 — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 18:52:31 +0000

The other night I was chatting on Twitter with a couple friends & we were discussing having kids. It started out being a silly discussion on how I should just let my kids run free range (no diapers) so that I could spend my money on ice cream instead. One of the ladies said, “I will never understand why people would want kids but if they do & enjoy them, it makes me happy for them.”

That statement really struck me because there are a lot of people that I know that don’t want kids, don’t understand why anybody would, don’t understand kids even. Some of those people think that Abe & I are crazy to have had Magnus let alone have Marit on the way. To them kids are a burden, an inconvenience & something that should be avoided to stop all the problems in the world. To know that this Twitter friend, whom I don’t know that well, is happy for me to have the kids I have always wanted was incredibly nice. It got me thinking too…

Why am I a parent? What is it about having kids that made me want my own?

Let me begin with the disclaimer. There are days where I would sell my kid for a bottle of vodka, or a movie ticket. There are days where I want to curl up in a corner & cry after ripping out my hair in frustration. My amazing Magnus is only 1 so I know I have a lifetime of those days coming my way. However, there is so much that wipes out those moments/days.

Watching Magnus discover new things is so much fun. He has been working on eating with a fork; he learned about ranch dressing & ketchup last weekend; & he has been slowly (very slowly cuz Momma says so) exploring our 2 stories of wooden stairs. It is really fun to watch the world develop through brand new eyes. Seeing the wonder of discovering a new animal or a new sound…something I don’t remember from my own childhood. I get to experience everything a second time & truly appreciate the world.

The feel of those tiny arms wrapping around my neck as Magnus snuggles into me with his blanket for a nap. How can your heart not swell with joy & the purest love in those moments? And that’s what having kids comes down to for me. The chance, the opportunity to share life with a new person. To share in their growth, their triumphs and especially their disappointments. Nobody will ever be able to protect them from every hurt (no matter how much we desperately want to do so) but we can share the burden, lighten the feeling of loss when it occurs.

That moment when you first look into a child’s eyes & see the love they have for you…in spite of your faults, your failures, your hang-ups. To know that no matter how out of shape you are or how broke you are that little person doesn’t care. All they know is you love them & they return it without hesitation.

Sadly, as kids get older that initial wonder wears off, they grow up & become adults that sometimes stray from what you dreamed for them. There’s a pain associated with being estranged from your older children that I pray I never have to experience. I’ve watched friends go through it & I can’t imagine the pain it causes. Yet I know they still would welcome those kids home with open arms if ever they were asked.

Being a parent is the most difficult & yet most amazing job ever. It is NOT for the faint of heart…it is filled with joy, grief & even fear but I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. They are the best parts of me—realized.

Joplin, Missouri: Watching a Nation at Work

Nil17 — Tue, 24 May 2011 14:52:00 +0000

By now everybody knows about the devastation in Joplin, MO. Sunday an EF-4 tornado cut a swath of destruction that is unbelievable. A few minutes of wind left St. John’s hospital damaged, the helicopter that would be immediately needed a crumpled heap of metal in front of the building. The high school is gone as are apartment buildings, stores, homes and entire lives.

I’ve been watching it all unfold via Twitter- from the first reports of severe weather to pleas for help in finding missing loved ones. Through all of it I have once again witnessed the power of the common citizen. oPeople nearby volunteering to help find victims in building to building searches; Twitter residents taking their time to tweet individual requests for information on missing persons. It all gives me hope in the compassion & humanity of our country.

Rather than attempt to give a bunch of info here on how you can help I will point you to The Mutant Mouse Chronicles. The right side bar has links to information & organizations helping in the relief effort. My friend Rick Fisher (@fishfire) has amassed everything you could possibly want to know right there. His dedication to helping via Twitter is inspiring…and there are hundreds more out there doing the same thing.

The need for help will last for a very long time. Immediate needs will be met by organizations like American Red Cross & The United Way. However once those needs are met, the cleanup & rebuilding process will begin. Much like New Orleans & even more recently Tuscaloosa, AL (for information on how to help Tuscaloosa visit this page: Tuscaloosa, AL - Official Website ) the need for help remains long after the media leaves. Please keep the rescue workers & residents in your prayers as Joplin works to rebuild.

Clubbing with David

Nil17 — Sun, 01 May 2011 00:33:49 +0000

My brother R turned 27 this week. To celebrate, his wife invited a bunch of his friends & siblings to go out to dinner followed by dancing. Abe & I were glad to go out for dinner & Magnus is always enjoys checking out somewhere new.

We had a nice time at Granite City Brewery & after eating the votes were in to go out to Club David for dancing. As we had Magnus along we needed to make quick arrangements for a babysitter (a huge deal for me since we’ve never left him with one). R’s little boy had a sitter & she agreed to watch Magnus too. We dropped him off; after a quick feeding, diaper change & clean jammies…. He was playing quite happily with a pair of pacifiers when we snuck out the door.

SWEET FREEDOM!

As we drove toward the club we discussed ditching my brother to go see a movie in the theater or heading home for some uninterrupted sleep. Although we were tempted our Jeep was soon parked near the club. Walking along the sidewalk, Abe reached for my hand & laced his fingers through mine. It was the first time in 10 months there wasn’t a baby between us. We sauntered into the club, presented ID & met up with the rest of the party.

The music was pumpin’, videos playing on flat screens scattered throughout the room and lights flashing off the dark red walls. The décor was very nice. Beautiful dark red/maroon walls with clean white accents on the pillars & around the ceiling, random statues & framed photos of Michaelangelo’s David and strings of lights around the bar.

Other than our group of ten there were few people in Club David when we arrived. There were a couple of 60 something men sitting at the bar doing some serious drinking, a 50 something lady with crazy person hair (think electroshock) & bib overalls and a couple of girls in their mid to late 20s. A rather motley crew for a gay bar (or at least it used to be).

Drinks were ordered (a beer for Abe & a cranberry juice for me) and the few of us who like to dance hit the floor. R, my brother D & his wife Z and I were enjoying ourselves…in the groove and having a good time. As R cut loose on the floor two girls started dancing closer & closer to him. Pretty soon they were bumping & grinding on R…and his face showed more than a little dismay. He slipped away as graciously as possible & made a beeline for his wife who was standing on the edge of the dance floor. Meanwhile we kept dancing, chatting & having a good time.

Soon R was back on the floor with us & a Britney song was on… (sorry, bad pop culture reference). Not only did the two girls quickly join us but they wasted no time in once again getting all up in R’s business. This time one of them decided that a quick grope was in order. R jumped about a foot in the air, screeched in horror & RAN off the dance floor. I nearly collapsed I was laughing so hard. After his groping R would no longer dance unless his back was securely against the wall. Somehow the two girls didn’t get the message that R is quite happily taken (how they missed the wild & disturbing (to me) public displays of affection between R & J I will never know).

Anyway, the crowd was starting to grow & the people watching entertainment grew exponentially. A group of 3 men came in & grabbed a table in the back. There was nothing to call attention to them at first…then we noticed that one member was “Hipster Gay Man”. It wasn’t that he was gay but rather the tragically hip air & clothes that offended me. Classic dark hipster glasses, shirt & tie and the clincher—skinny white linen “man-pris” (you’ve probably never heard of them). No I’m not kidding…it was hilarious & sad all at the same time.

All in all it was an entertaining night out & one that we will hopefully repeat if we can find a babysitter.

Thoughts on Events of the Day

Nil17 — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 03:36:22 +0000

Dear Melville,

My apologies that it has taken me so long to respond to your most recent letter. I must admit that the words have seem jumbled as of late & haven’t wanted to appear ordered on the page. (Fair warning that this letter may not be as coherent as it should be.)

Pursuing the perfect “just like Grandma made it” pie is a pipe dream surely. Mainly because even if I had her recipe there isn’t any way to duplicate it. She did all her cooking by feel & sight. All I can hope for is that some day my grandchildren will like my apple, cherry, pecan, mince pies & proclaim them “the best ever”. As for the flowers I plant pansies every spring & count the days when the heady fragrance of lilacs floats on my memories for a brief time.

Interesting that you mention memory and how event the most potent can be dulled by the passing of time. Though it has been two short weeks I already feel the receding of the immediate grief. Not only does short term memory melt away harsher realities but we are unable to maintain the level of grief (or happiness, anger etc) that first bursts upon us. I too have used 9/11 as a reference point. Of course others have used Pearl Harbor, the invasion at Normandy & the assassinations of JFK, RFK & Martin Luther King, Jr.

The disaster timelines do seem to be coming with more fury than in the past. I think the instantaneous images that bombard us make the tragedies seem bigger. Rather than waiting days or even weeks to see what devastation has laid waste to our world it now happens in real time. How can anyone see video of that wall of water rushing over Japan & forget? On the other hand, if these disasters and battles don’t make an appearance in the school curriculum the next generation will be as ignorant of Japan’s troubles as current ones are of the Chernobyl incident.

Sadly this ignorance of our past is what leads us down the bloody path to war. It seems that we are sending our soldiers to those killing fields with a cavalier attitude these days. Leaders demanding young people to vacate our lands to risk their life, limbs & sanity. Where does it end? Is there any hope for the future? I pray that it does end. I pray our sons & daughters see the dead roses littering the ground & decide rather than worship the victorious dead to go out a grow new flowers.

Forever in friendship,

Hawthorne

To read Melville’s previous letter to Hawthorne click here

That Competitive Mommy-ness

Nil17 — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 23:53:58 +0000

I was catching up on some blog reading this morning & ran across one where my friend Willa was talking about a close friend of hers that will soon be giving birth to a fourth child. (Read it here) It is a touching look at how women share moments of great import & how fortunate we are when we get to be included in those moments. There is something that bonds women closer when sharing the tremendous joy & incredible pain that can accompany the most momentous times in our lives.

However what struck me was that in the description of beautiful home births I found a hidden barb. As I read & the re-read the post I started to feel badly about my birthing experience. I know this was not at all within the realm of the writer’s mind when she was writing the post. In fact, Willa is the last person who would promote any sort of competition or feeling of ill-will among women. No all of the sad, inadequate feelings came straight from me.

Suddenly I was feeling like I had somehow failed at being a mother somehow. That because of complications to my health I delivered my beautiful boy via Caesarean section & somehow that makes my experience less special, less magical. It wasn’t what I would have chosen…I always imagined that I’d go through labor & delivery naturally. Well as naturally as possible with a massive dose of pain killers. Instead I was strapped to a table, numb from the xiphoid process to my toes, and chatting up the surgeons. I could feel the tugging & pulling going on behind the blue surgical curtain & then I saw Magnus being held up over the curtain so we could see him. Nothing will ever eclipse the moment I say my son… no matter how he arrived the fact that he arrived is the important point.

What all this made me think of —why do women always feel like they are constantly in competition with each other? There’s this pressure to have the best, smartest, quickest kid. Who rolls over, crawls, walks, talks first is inevitably a topic of conversation when mothers are together. Then there’s what percentile of height, weight, head size to compare—and visiting the doctor every 2 months for the first year where a little graph is charted doesn’t do anything to eliminate this competitive feeling. I know for me that is one of the first questions my sister-in-law J asks me nearly every time I see her. Our sons are a month apart (my nephew is older) and there is constant comparison in height & weight.

Thinking about this today I realized that I avoid comparing my son to other kids his age. I often shrug or change the subject when the comparisons arise. To me it doesn’t matter if Magnus is the tallest or the heaviest/skinniest baby. What matters to me is that I can see he is healthy, growing & happy. However, when it comes to myself I’m the first to not only compare to another woman but I’m certain to see my “shortcomings”. I’m not the smartest, tallest, most fit, funniest, prettiest or whatever. The same thing with being a mommy- I tend to look at what another mom has done & find that I don’t measure up.

My goal from now on is to not be a competitive mommy. I’m happy with how well Magnus is doing…and I am doing my best to raise a happy healthy boy. When the new baby comes I will revel in the delivery (a scheduled c-section) because that’s MY path as a mother. No matter what path you are on follow it with conviction— it is your path to walk & nobody else could do it just the way you do.

Log Jam in My Brain

Nil17 — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 18:24:28 +0000

I am having a terrible log jam in my brain lately. I have so many thoughts & ideas swirling around I can’t concentrate let alone think straight. Please bear with me as I attempt to get some of it out so that maybe I can revisit some of it later.

One thing that is pinging around is the articles & stories of bullying that are running rampant over the last month. I’m appalled by these tragic stories. I clearly remember my teenage years & remember thinking that if the oft quoted “These are the best years of your life” was indeed true that I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep going. I went to a relatively small high school (three districts combined to make a total of 55 kids in my graduating class)… I have vivid memories of some pretty harsh bullying that was directed at me. I’m sure I wasn’t always as kind as I should have been & for that I’m sorry. I did my best though…I was friends with the outcasts (heh, I WAS an outcast) & tried to find something kind to say about everybody. Much like now I was a peacemaker. I would do virtually anything to avoid or diffuse conflict. I can hold my own in a fight (be it verbal or physical) but that is my last resort.

For anybody out there reading this who is struggling— you are NOT alone & it does get better! Life is hard— I’m struggling with depression as I type this. However, I also know that I am truly blessed with an amazing husband (I never thought I’d find a man that could love me), a miracle baby boy (I had to learn to become comfortable with the idea that I may never have kids—the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom) and a group of family & friends that continue to speak with me (this makes me dumbfounded as I’m usually convinced they would be much better off w/o me).

I’ve also got a lot of self-doubt/loathing beating me up. This is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it isn’t as much of a battle. Then there are the times where my body, mind & MIL conspire to make me dive headfirst into some truly legendary wallowing. Generally I’ve been pretty happy with me over the last 4 months. I lost a decent amount of weight in a hurry (without trying— yay for pregnancy weight that disappears & for the aid of breastfeeding). There are things that I don’t like about it —nothing fits me properly including most of my panties. Let me just say that there are few things more awkward than walking around having to hitch up both your undies & your pants on a regular basis. Thank goodness that I didn’t lose my boobs or none of my shirts would look decent either. As it is I’m glad that I can continue to wear all my nice sweaters without looking like I’m wearing a trash bag. However, after this past weekend I’m hyper-critical of how I look. Nothing like being told “You look really good now that you’ve lost all that weight; how much more are you planning to lose?”. Seriously why would someone say things like that? Especially to a daughter-in-law. I may not be a teeny tiny girl but mostly I’m okay with that. I take pride in the fact that I look like a woman. There are a multitude of things I would refine but I wouldn’t want to be a tall skinny no-boobed girl. I like that when my son snuggles up with me we are both comfy & cushioned. Mostly I struggle with wanting to feel okay with myself & seeing why I shouldn’t thrown in my face every time I turn around.

All in all my brain is a jumble of feeling like I’m not worthy & yet on an average day where I wake up, run downstairs & get on with life I think “Damn, I don’t look half bad”. It sucks!!

Family Bonds

Nil17 — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:08:27 +0000

Life has an odd way about it. The threads that weave our existence are varied in color & texture yet there are so many similarities among us. The foundations of our experiences my happen at different stages but celebration, mourning & the emotions that come with them are universal. Family (in its many forms) is one commonality with which we all deal. You’re probably wondering what brought all this on…the short answer is death. The long answer is seeing two people whom I know (one is a cousin, the other is a friend on Twitter) deal with the loss of family members over the past two weeks. My cousin lost her husband; my friend a sister. Two vastly different situations on the surface yet I see this faint connection in family bonds (or lack thereof). My cousin had a hard life growing up. I won’t go into details but I will say that she lost her mom when she was in her early teens. For reasons that are complex she & her younger sister moved in with my family. As you can imagine there was plenty of conflict. The extended family has issues aplenty as well so that didn’t help the situation. My cousin is now in her 20s, a mom of two beautiful children & going to school. She built a life (and family) for herself where she feels secure. That security was badly damaged recently when her husband died last week. It was a sudden loss; one that wasn’t exactly expected though we all knew it was possible (her husband had sickle-cell anemia). As I kept up with my cousin via Facebook I saw an outpouring of love from people I don’t know but who obviously care deeply for my cousin. Family (blood relatives—uncles, aunts, cousins) also expressed their sympathies for the loss. Several of them expressed their intent to attend the funeral as a show of support. However, there was a pre-planned family weekend…all the aunts & uncles were getting together. Since this weekend had been planned for a year suddenly nobody was free to attend the funeral. I can’t begin to express my irritation at that attitude. Yes, there has been plenty of turmoil & whatnot. Still how much would really have been missed by taking a couple hours out of a weekend to support a niece in the middle of a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching tragedy? While I was hearing/seeing this play out in my family I also listened to a friend on Twitter as she grieved the loss of a sister. Again in this instance family turmoil (to put it mildly) is making a time of sorrow that much more difficult. Rather than rehashing my friend’s tale in my own poor words I encourage you to go here & read what she has to say. The point of my post is that family bonds are what we make of them. Both my cousin & my friend have created their own families. When faced with the option of being part of dealing with blood relatives that are less than congenial or finding their own way they both chose the 2nd option. This has allowed them to surround themselves with a “family” of people who may or may not be related by blood but are definitely related by love. Not only have they created a family structure that fits their needs but they value themselves enough to know it is necessary. What family bonds do you cultivate? What family bonds have you replaced? For me I cultivate the bonds with my immediate family & Abe’s family. I have added in people who are like sisters. There are some bonds—like those of my grandparents who are no longer living that can never be replaced.

The Weekend That Wasn’t

Nil17 — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:22:28 +0000

So a couple weeks back I previewed some upcoming posts. I haven’t forgotten that promise…however life has had other plans for me. So rather than recap “Wheels & Squeals” like I had planned it will be a bit of this & that. This past weekend was the local summer festival weekend. There were tons of activities along with plenty of vendors for the all important RibFest. Friday night the action kicked off with a Burnout contest followed by an ugliest/loudest car contest. Unfortunately I missed all of that as I had spent most of my day in the maternity/delivery area of the hospital being monitored for extremely high blood pressure. I was released & sent home to R E S T! Saturday was promising as a bright sunny day & we had plans to be out for a bit enjoying the weather and festivities. Of course I wanted to check out all the cars at the car show & late in the afternoon was the greased pig chase I was anxious to witness (hey, I wanted pictures to share with you all). As life would have it none of those plans were to be. After being awake for awhile it became apparent that I was headed back to the hospital. I spent about 6 hours lying in the labor/delivery area of the hospital hooked up to the fetal monitor & sphygmomanometer (blood pressure cuff). I also had blood drawn & a urinalysis. After several readings it was apparent that my blood pressure was normal & Baby was doing great. I got a large IV bag of fluids to keep me from getting dehydrated (when they finally placed the IV…I got 2 blown veins in my right forearm & some nice bruising) & was subsequently released to head home. Since it was dinner time we met up with my brother A & his wife A to head downtown to RibFest. We started with Willingham’s ribs. They use a dry rub & any sauce is served on the side. We tried the Cajun Hot Sauce which added a nice bite & heat to the ribs. We also sampled the Sweet N Sassy sauce which is great if you don’t want anything too spicy. Next we had the pulled pork & brisket from Rowdy Hog Smokin’ BBQ. The pulled pork was tender & savory while the brisket simply melted on the tongue. We sampled the Rowdy Hot sauce with the brisket. For me it really added to the flavor of the brisket while not overpowering the melty tenderness. Finally we had a single sample of the Dixie Dew Hellbound Hot from Skin & Bones BBQ. This was the one with the most kick to me but the heat didn’t overwhelm everything else. Overall it was good to get out of the house even if I didn’t really do anything except sit on a picnic table bench & eat. I also braved the idea & tried bacon/chocolate kettle corn. Don’t give me that disgusted look…it was very, very tasty! I’m looking forward to next year when we can go & I’m not on bed rest.

A Preview of Upcoming Posts

Nil17 — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 06:09:00 +0000

Every small town in this area (in fact in the country probably) has some type of summer weekend fling. They celebrate the town’s heritage etc. Here we have “Wheels & Squeals”…a combination car show & rib fest weekend. There are quite a few events along with food, requisite beer garden & live music. After reading the proposed events it has been decided that in spite of my bed rest requirements we must attend some of the events. Obviously I will be taking my lawn chair as well as my camera. I could not in all good conscience •not• bring my beloved readers a look at what is sure to be a white trashy good time. I mean who wants to miss the burnout contest, ugliest/loudest car contest, greased pig chase and so much more. All of this occurs next weekend (coinciding with a visit from my mother-in-law) so stay tuned for what is surely going to be a weekend of ….well quite possibly abject horror. I also need to recap our trip to RockFest in KC last month. We had a good time & enjoyed seeing Hubby’s brother. I will take the time to post the pictures I managed to take along with a full description of all the craziness we witnessed. Of course there is always baby stuff for me to carry on about but we shall see if I have the energy to hash over how I’m doing in that department. In the meantime I highly recommend that you check out the following blogs for something entertaining, thought-provoking & just plain good reading. Check out my friend Mary at Fit This, Girl! for fitness tips, encouragement, good recipes & general boosting of spirits. A Twitter friend, Sugarwilla over at her blog is working on 30 Days of Gratitude. Stop for a bit & leave a comment. Another Twitter friend, Amy over at Taste Like Crazy always has something fun going on. Check her out for wild & crazy stories about being a mom, writer, wife etc. For a look at what’s happening with one of my favorite bands check out Shadow Gallery. I know they are rehearsing for a trip to Europe where they will debut live at ProgPower Europe 2010. Another place to check out some great music & writing is over at The Mutant Mouse Chronicles. The head Mutant Mouse has been writing a lot & also has links to where you can get his music. I highly recommend you get some (or all) of what is on offer.