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Posts Tagged ‘money’

Swiss Cheese Brain

08 Nov

Haven’t written much lately….I still don’t know what to say & even if I did I’m not sure that it matters.  I’ll be honest I’m feeling sad today.  I have had 5 pretty good days in a row but I feel my feet slipping on the edge & I am so tired of fighting & trying to deal that slipping into & embracing the blackness sounds soothing…like slipping under my comforter & between the coolness of the sheets.

Recently (in fact I’m leaving it on the front page for awhile) I wrote my first ever music review.  It was fun if stressful to write it.  Fun because it allowed me to listen again & again to an amazing album…stressful because I wanted to do the album justice (among other things).  I worked hard on it! Wrote, rested, re-wrote & finally came up with something I think might be pretty okay.

I’m confused & overwhelmed…I want to just walk away from my job & not look back.  I don’t know that I’d actually be able to do it though.  I’m so torn because I know that my leaving is coming at a bad time for the company yet it isn’t my responsibility…I also know I should finish out my lease on our house but I just want to have the army of friends & family amass itself on my front lawn for marching orders.  I know I can’t manage all the packing & cleaning that needs to be done.  Usually my brain breaks everything down into nice little lists & I can move through them with satisfaction as the check marks grow.  Lately though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the simplest tasks…even reading which I can usually do to the detriment of all else holds no appeal.  My brain is like Swiss cheese!

I have no idea how I got to be so unhappy (honestly I’m so depressed nothing puts a dent in it for long) with things.  I’ve always loved the life I have with Abe.  We may not have lots of money but we’ve always gotten by & enjoyed what we have.  Our priority isn’t how much is in our savings, retirement & checking accounts.  I know there are people who think we should focus more on accumulating money & finances in general–frankly they can piss off.  I want a modicum of financial security but not at the expense of my relationships.  Things haven’t been perfect but we’ve always managed & we will find a better place.  Seriously, anybody who can pretend that they knew the economy was going to take a giant dump & leave so many people without jobs is fooling themselves.  Anyway, my point is that in spite of or maybe because of our focus being on the people & time shared rather than money we  have rich full lives in a way that we can never lose.  Having families that share our celebrations & mundane days are precious…I need to remember that more often.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy because our focus has been altered  by outside events: long term unemployment (economy is getting better my ass…), major health issues & suddenly money or the lack thereof is the lens through which everything is measured.  Living with all of that has depleted me…I’m always ready to give: my time, my thoughts, my ears, my love & compassion–I haven’t taken time to require that I get the same back.  I need to find my way back….it’s going to be hard ‘cuz I am not good at asking for help or accepting good things without arguing (I’m working on saying “Thank You” to compliments though).

 
 
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Posted in I should be in therapy, Musings, What's in my Head

 

Request Denied x4

02 Oct

I was going to post something I started last night but my day has just hit the wall & is splattered like a gruesome deer vs car accident.  Because I’m too depressed to even function well today I’m going to rant about something for a bit & will make it up to all you fine readers by posting the other stuff later.  I promise it’s good & fun.

So after being in the hospital in August I filled out a giant amount of paperwork to try to get approved for MinnesotaCare (the health insurance through the state…I’d pay a much smaller premium etc than what I’d pay if I had insurance through my job) so that my hospital stay would be covered.

Today I got not 1 but 4 rejection letters (total I have received more than 6) saying that I do not qualify to receive help from the program.  I won’t even go into how horrible I feel getting 4 rejection letters….I didn’t get turned down by that many boys in all of my single life (of course I didn’t date any boys before my adorable husband but that’s a different matter).

What pisses me off to no end is that I don’t meet the income requirements for the program.  I, in fact, make too much money.  That’s right….me, a lowly receptionist who makes $9.50/hour at a 32 hour a week job & the sole breadwinner in the family right now, I make too much money.  After the 401k deductions, the federal taxes, state taxes & social security I take home less than $1200 a month.  Out of that amount I must pay rent, insurance, utilities & food.  If I’m lucky I can also afford fuel for my Jeep.  I was offered health insurance through my job…if I took that option by the time my portion of the premium was paid I would take home less than $100/month.  I looked at getting health insurance on my own once upon a time when Abe was employed at a great job….I was denied that for reasons I won’t go into here.

While the whole country is bitching & moaning about everything from Roman Polanski to the Olympics to who knows what else and fighting each other rather than saying, “We have to do something to fix healthcare so let’s put aside who’s right & who’s left and do the job we were hired to do”….I’m staring at a pile of medical bills, the upcoming rent & the stack of rejection letters (including Abe’s job hunt rejections).  Explain to me why a 15 minute consultation (without the actual exam) with a gynecologist costs $245!  All she did was sit on my bed & tell me there was nothing wrong with me.  I’m sorry but that’s damn ridiculous!!!!

Insurance companies take tons of blame for the cost of healthcare….and I’m not saying that they are without culpability here.  I do think that if hospitals weren’t “for-profit” businesses things would certainly be better.  When healthcare facilities became focused on turning a profit, pleasing shareholders & stopped focusing on treating the illnesses (not the symptoms) of the population of this country that’s when it all went in the toilet.  I’m fed up & angry…..I don’t have the solution but someone out there must.  I’d like to know what it is.  Oh & if you are thinking about coming here & telling me I should get a higher paying job, have Hubby get a job dealing meth & “do whatever it takes” to afford health care then I’m telling you right now where you can put that comment.  I work hard & Hubby works harder trying to make money….too bad with our current system no amount will ever be enough.

 
 
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Posted in Patently Ridiculous, What's in my Head

 

More Unemployment

21 Feb

Well Hubby had a promising interview early in the month.  It was the perfect job for him.  Everything seemed to be lining up so that he could start working again.  Instead we got a letter saying someone else got the job.  So now we’re back wondering what to do.  He does have 2 small jobs for sure & a 3rd is a possibility but they won’t sustain us for very long.

I know he’s struggling with the whole unemployed thing right now.  It’s so unfair but there just aren’t many jobs to be had here.  In fact we are hearing about more layoffs every day.  The local winery where we have been displaying the Black Ash & More stuff is shuttering for a while.  Like many small businesses here they are struggling.  We are very sad since they have been very very good to us in the last 9 months.  Our hope is they will be able to open for the summer.

Mostly I’m struggling with God’s plan for us in all this.  I know He wants what’s best for us & will provide for our needs but lately it seems more like we’ve got to do this on our own.  I feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  Every time it seems we are going to catch a break something else happens to drain our hope & resources.  It’s been a hard long year from 2008 and it doesn’t seem like the load has gotten any lighter.

One thing I am very thankful for is Hubby’s excellent job of taking care of household chores.  I’m terrible at keeping up with things like dishes.  He does a great job of doing that while I’m at work.  It’s been so wonderful to have him around to share lunch times with over the last several months.  Just seeing him still makes me smile & makes going back to the office tolerable.

I am praying that my voice shall be heard in this wilderness & that something wonderful can still happen in our lives.  I need my faith strengthened & Hubby needs his restored.

 
 
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Posted in Work/Job Stuff

 

Discouraged…

02 Jan
Well it’s been a year since Hubby got laid off.  We made it fine the first few months.  I had my job, we got some unemployment.  Then we started raiding the IRA when we needed emergency money.  We managed fine most of the summer between my paycheck, the unemployment & the IRA money.
Of course we live in one of the poorest counties in Minnesota so jobs are scare.  Moving isn’t really an option since the cost to find a new house would be so high & we don’t have the cash.  Fuel costs were so high all summer that driving to the nearest Wal–Mart for a minimum wage job wasn’t feasible.  Now of course fuel is cheaper but nobody’s really hiring.
It’s a sick twisted mess right now.  Huge companies who are paying executives millions & millions of dollars are getting help from the government.  Meanwhile I have to worry about whether I’ll make my next rent check.
Of course Hubby hasn’t just sat in the house doing nothing.  He worked for his dad & then ended up taking over the business of Black Ash & More.  We’ve tried to make a go of it at the worst possible time.  The sad thing is Hubby is excellent at what he does.  He has a talent for working with wood.  Now we just need people to purchase it.  We have a website (although I know that could be better), we have a little showroom area at a local business.
I’m really discouraged by the start of 2009….I’m looking for hope but right now I feel very lost & in the dark.
 
 
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Posted in I AM, The Life We Lead, What's in my Head, Work/Job Stuff

 

Work?

04 Apr

So my husband is a carpenter.  His specialty is in finish carpentry.  He worked for a great company in the Cities before they had to start major cutbacks 2 years ago.  We were already living here in McGregor & he commuted 2 1/2 hours plus one way for a year.  Most of the time he left EARLY on Monday morning & came home on Friday night.  That meant a lot of time apart.  When he was getting ready to leave his old company we were very blessed for him to find a job close by that didn’t mean taking a huge pay cut.

The work is more seasonal up north where we are but still he’s managed to stay busy.  Sometimes with more work than he knew what to do with.  Right now he’s been unemployed since January 7th of this year.  On that date he was told that there was going to be a temporary lay-off.  His boss said “I’ll give you a call when things pick up again.”  That was nearly 3 months ago.  No word from the boss.  And it certainly isn’t for lack of trying.  My husband saw his boss 4 times in as many days back in February.  Boss man couldn’t even say hello.  After calling some of the other employees we find out that the 3 other guys have been working on and off since January 14th of this year.  That’s right ladies & gentlemen…my husband hasn’t had a paycheck in 3 months but the other guys managed to completely remodel a local bank among other smaller jobs.  So we’re wondering where that “We’ve got work again.” phone call from the boss went.

Now that’s not to say that my husband has been laying on the couch eating junk food for the last 3 months.  In fact he’s been quite busy helping his dad who is trying to make a run at starting a handcrafted wood products business.  (See www.blackashandmore.com for some of what that is all about.)  However while working for Dad certainly keeps hubby busy it  doesn’t pay the bills as yet.  Our dream is that someday soon it will!

So in the mean time we’ve spent a large chunk of the IRA, spent more money than we meant to on things we could (but certainly don’t feel like) getting by without.  We have enough food, fuel for the vehicles etc but we’re not going forwards.  In fact after working hard to get to being only slightly behind on bills & not being afraid that we’d come home to find everything repossessed, we are now faced with a backward slide.  It’s April & taxes are due.  We’ve got medical bills from an unexpected gall bladder issue I faced (am still facing?  have yet to face?  will someday deal with?  That’s a rant for a different day). Where exactly is that money supposed to come from?  I’m working at one of the best jobs available in the area without having a killer commute & I still make less than $9/hour!  My measly income plus the pittance that unemployment pays certainly aren’t going to do it.

Of course there is the upcoming “stimulus” check we are supposed to receive. Yeah right!  The only thing being stimulated is my irritation, frustration & general disgust with the federal government.  By the time that check arrives (if it ever does) it will only be enough to pay the bills for the month we receive it.  I won’t be spending extra money on a big ticket item or vacation. I’ll be lucky if I can afford to go to my younger brother’s wedding in something nicer than a burlap sack. {Note to self: burlap sack will come in my size and fit perfectly no matter how fat I am….too bad it’s so itchy….could be a good  solution to clothing needs.}

Of course if you listen to the government we aren’t in a recession…no things are just moving a little slow.  A push here & a prod there and soon life will be booming again.  Never mind that 80,000 more people became unemployed in the month of March alone.  So where does all this leave hubby & me?  Since construction is slowing more with each passing second & there are many people vying for the same type of job as him coupled with the fact that we already live in an economically depressed area all I can think is homeless.  Right now we make just a few dollars too many to qualify for any of the state programs like health care or food assistance…yet by the time our income is low enough to qualify it’ll be to late to be of any real assistance.  Damn government….”By the People” my ass.  I vote, I pay attention to what’s going on.  I even write to my Congress-people.  Not that it ever changes anything.

So here I sit…frustrated, angry, tired, sad & completely unsure what our next move should be.  Any ideas?

 
 
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Posted in Work/Job Stuff

 
 
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