Something Creative » Memories

Twenty Years Or So

Nil17 — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 21:56:56 +0000

This past week life reminded me how the more time passes the less things change. A family friend for almost as far back as I can remember took a nasty spill due to excessive ice. He was home alone at his farm. The fall resulted in a broken leg that required surgery. His kids came down to be with him & while in surgery his heart stopped twice. Now he is in the hospital…his leg is still broken, his heart has been taxed terribly & his kidneys are failing. He has all sorts of tubes, wires & machines surrounding him. He is unable to talk & is under sedation 90 percent of the day.

On Sunday I took my kids and husband & we went to see this family. Now I think the last time I saw any of the kids was about 22 years ago. I’m guessing but I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since that’s when the oldest girl, C, graduated from high school. So for the first 18 years of my life I knew them well. We hung out, slept over, tore around each other’s farms & generally spent a lot of time together. Now we’re all grown, have spouses/SO & kids, jobs etc. There’s a lot of life that has happened to all of us.

As we were talking it was like the intervening years shrank into a split second. We all looked the same (barring a few gray hairs, wrinkles & pounds), we laugh the same & the joint memories of childhood were recalled with laughter & hidden tears.

I am so sad that it has taken a very sad time in their lives for us to reconnect. Seeing their Dad lying in that bed made my heart hurt so much. Partly because he is someone I know & we never want to see good people suffer. However, I also have to acknowledge that I’m not getting any younger & that means my parents aren’t either. I’m not ready to face that. I know that doesn’t matter; that nothing changes the fact that death will come for each of us.

I can’t imagine how my friends feel. Every time their dad comes out of sedation for a little bit they wonder if it is the last time. Will they ever see his eyes open again? Will they ever get to hold his hand and feel it’s warmth after this second? So many questions & the unknown of where they end. I simply pray that they are all given peace to endure this time, grace to withstand the pain & love overflowing as they say the words that we are sometimes robbed of the chance to say.

Author’s Note: A few short hours after I wrote this I got word that my friends’ dad had died. While I am deeply saddened for their loss I am glad to know that he is free of pain & his fragile earthly body. He is now at peace & reunited with his wife.

And Then There Were Two

Nil17 — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:21:11 +0000

My last post was rather short & left my readers hanging. Well, I am home after five days in the hospital and I brought a tiny little girl with me. She had to be delivered via c-section on Thursday September 1, 2011. She arrived five weeks early and we are so blessed that she is already home with us. I will post a detailed birth story in the near future. For now I’m recovering from surgery and trying to adjust to my little guy being a big brother.

Backyard Mysteries

Nil17 — Wed, 18 May 2011 22:02:56 +0000

Last week when it was nice here (we had a couple days of 90 degree weather) I wandered around my backyard to check out what green thing are growing. I was pleased to discover that amidst the dandelion sea & thistle traps that I have some lovely plants fighting for attention. I have some tulips that grew up on the sunny south slope outside the basement door. Those I picked & brought inside to enjoy.

The three different tulips made a fun bouquet in my TV room. The yellow one bloomed first & was simply massive. The white one bloomed on Mother’s Day and Abe & Magnus picked it for me. The white had the most delicate hint of pink running through the petals. The photo does not do it justice. The deep maroon tulip flowered last & had a dark lavender spot at the bottom of each petal.

One of the surprises I found in the backyard is a plethora of violets. They are patchy at best but with a few days of warm weather I think I will have a lot more.Violets are some of my favorite flowers because they remind me of my childhood. Our farm back then had lots of violets growing all over the lawn by our swing. We used to pick violets and give them to my mom along with dandelions.

I also discovered lilies of the valley along the north side of my house. There is something so sweet & innocent about lilies of the valley…the graduated bells drooping lightly over, the light yet heady scent intoxicates. It is early days yet for these flowers. With some consistent warm, even hot, days they should flourish.

My lilac bushes are starting to fill with blossoms & soon I will have all the windows thrown wide open to catch their perfume. Lilacs simply make me happy. The bright lavender flowers clustered so tightly together, scenting every breath of spring air…plus they carry the spirit of my Grandpa & Grandma Jewett. Grandpa used to go out to their grove & cut a bouquet of lilacs every time we visited their farm. He would carefully wrap the stems in a damp paper towel to keep them fresh on our ride home. I only have purple lilacs…Grandma & Grandpa had purple, pink & white. I’m pretty sure that the white lilacs I’ve spied across the road in the neighbors ditch will be getting plucked in secret…

Notes Upon the Death of Your Grandmother : A Reply

Nil17 — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 20:05:26 +0000

Melville,

You honor me with the shared memories of your Nanny. My tears are not only for the grandmothers who aren’t with us but also for the strength & love they bestowed upon us – may we be worthy of carrying it forward.

Grandma was many things: hard working, funny, no nonsense and loving are but a few. She wasn’t an emotional person…I only saw her cry a few times. The funerals of her brothers & my grandpa’s funeral. She could be cantankerous & didn’t deal well with “the old bitch upstairs” who always seemed to make a racket. Grandma couldn’t hear you if you stood next to her but if the resident in the upstairs apartment broke wind Grandma would complain about the noise it made.

I learned the value of taking time in my day for myself-to lie down and rest, to read a book & nap. I wish I had learned her secret to the best pie ever…maybe I have time to learn yet. (These were noted by my cousin at the funeral & I am borrowing her words as they speak perfectly for me.) One thing I will always carry is her love of flowers. On the farm flowers bloomed all summer. There were irises, tulips and pansies. Pansies are my favorite…Grandpa never let me leave the farm without a bunch wrapped in a damp paper towel to keep the fresh ‘til I got home.

Grandma loved to gamble…she played the scratch offs & visited the casino to play the nickel slots. I am not a gambler…not only in the traditional sense but in general. I tend to play it safe. Another lesson I should take to heart before it is too late…sometimes a little gambling is good for you.

Today was the perfect day to say goodbye. The sky was a perfect spring blue & the sun shone down watery & chill on the prairie. It was windy, whipping up my skirt as I stood there with my husband & our son. Her urn was small & blue. It looked lonely perched next to the headstone that already bears Grandpa’s name. Since she was nearly a Groundhog baby (her birthday was Feb 1) being buried on April Fool’s Day would have delighted her. I don’t know what I want at my grave…I do know that I want my children to know how much love I have for them. Your idea of a lovely tall tree with riotous autumn colors sounds nice. No black ash it is…they are much nicer when skilled hands have sawed & sanded, trimmed & tacked them into a beautiful piece of furniture.

Whether there is only one truth or many matters not when a brother turns against you. His loss for cutting a piece of love from his life. There is too much grief that comes from the world at large…the wars, hunger & disease that results are growing every day and you’ve expressed it more eloquently than I can right now…

Thank you for your words & for sharing my loss across the distances that sometimes separate friends.

Warmest regards,
Hawthorne

Author’s note: to read Melville’s letter go here

Family Reunion 2010

Nil17 — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 21:21:03 +0000

This past weekend we attended my family reunion in New Ulm, MN. We’ve had the Lee family (my maternal grandmother & her brothers et al) reunion as long as I can remember. I talked about it in this post. We haven’t gone in the past few years as it was a long trip for a few short hours. This year we are closer & we were anxious to show off Magnus to the extended family. There weren’t many people in attendance & unfortunately it appears that this will be the last year we have the reunion. I’m saddened by this…so many of my childhood summer memories are tied up with this event. I would love for my child (and my nieces/nephews) to have a similar experience. However, the family circle has drifted to all corners of the country & a yearly reunion just isn’t feasible. It remains to be seen what will happen. In the meantime I got a few pictures that I really want to share from this year.

The Birth of Magnus Troy

Nil17 — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 00:30:35 +0000

When we last saw our heroine she was lying in an extremely hard birthing bed on day 3 of being induced for the health of both Baby & momma. As we resume the doctor has decided to break the water in hopes of speeding up the labor & subsequent delivery. It was apparent that I was going to need an epidural before my water was broken. I was incredibly happy to hear that as anything that would ease pain for even a short time had reached DefCon 5. Abe stood in front of me & held my hands as the epidural was placed in my back. I abhor needles so having a giant one inserted into my back was not one of my most favorite things but I did much better than I thought I would. There was very little flinching & no embarrassing crying or fainting. While we waited for the epidural to take effect & the doctor to come back Abe headed out into the waiting area to tell some family what was happening & to take care of some business with his paycheck. In the meantime the doctor came back & a team of people were with her. It was time to break my water. Of course I immediately wanted Abe with me but he was not to be found. The procedure was completed (I will spare you my description of it) and suddenly I was rolled onto my left side while a nurse slapped an oxygen mask on my face & began talking me through some slow, deep breathing. I could tell something was wrong but didn’t know what. Through all of this my cell (my Blackberry, my tether, my line to the outside world) was clutched in my right hand. When I was rolled onto my side I remembered the phone & quickly sent a text message to Abe. The gist of the message was “Get your ass in here RIGHT NOW!”. Abe showed up right quick & was there when the doctor came back to discuss our options. The doctor explained that when my water broke Baby’s heart rate dropped to 50. It came back up but would decelerate every time I had a contraction. They stopped the pitocin for a while and the heart rate remained where it was supposed to be but I stopped having contractions. Dr U explained that we could continue the pitocin & try for a natural delivery but that every time the pitocin was used it would take a toll on Baby. On the other hand there was the option for a c-section. As with all surgery there are inherent risks but we concluded that taking time to do a c-section while Baby wasn’t in distress made the most sense for everybody’s well-being. The team got right to work getting me ready to head down to the OR for surgery. They worked on increasing the epidural along with getting me to sign all kinds of release forms. Then I was wheeled down the hall to surgery; Abe had been ushered off to scrub & don the gown, mask and hat so he could join us. Once in the OR the anesthesiologist worked on getting a new IV placed so that I could handle the drugs. It took a bit of work but the new IV went in perfectly & soon I was taking all the drugs that were needed. With the epidural flowing (like a trickle of cool water sliding down my back) I was soon numb to my sternum. The blue barrier went up & the doctors came in with Abe. Abe was seated to my left & could reach out to hold my hand which was very necessary as I was freaking out in a corner of my mind though I was working very hard to breathe & remain calm on the outside. Waiting for the first cut was nerve-wracking — Dr. F & Dr. U were great though & soon put me at ease. There was this wonderful atmosphere of joy in the OR. The whole team was chatting, smiling & laughing. Abe & I joined in on the chatter discussing whether the baby was a boy or girl, name choices, how long we waited to become parents etc. Dr. U told me she was going to have to perform a vertical incision which “will mess up your bikini line”. “Right, because I’ve worn a bikini so much recently”, I retorted. As the surgical team went about performing the C-section I was talking with them, Abe & generally feeling better than I had in several days (mostly due to the fact I could lie flat on my back & I had an excellent supply of drugs being pumped into me). In what seemed like a long time but was really only 6 minutes Dr U commented on how wrapped up the baby was. Then came the big announcement… “It’s a boy”! Abe & I were surprised & overjoyed. I had thought for sure that we would be having a girl. Of course it didn’t matter at all…a healthy baby was all we really wanted. As the doctor held the baby up over the blue barrier I glanced up to see our son — beautiful & perfect with just a bit of dark hair. The nurses quickly cleaned him off a bit & wrapped him up in a blanket before handing him off to the proud father. While the nurses were getting him clean they asked if we had a name. Glancing at Abe I said Magnus Troy is his name. We had started out joking about naming a boy Magnus as it is such a strong name & we figured it was a name that could be for any profession. Who wouldn’t love to hear a kickass prog rock/metal band called Magnus? Cheering for a ball player (football, baseball or basketball) named Magnus… absolutely! However, what started out as a bit of a laugh for us quickly became a name that just seemed to fit; it grew on us & one look at the little man sealed the deal. Anyway, I’m still on the table and can “feel” the doctors working on me. I can feel tugging & pulling in my abdomen. I heard someone ask “Can someone cut this suture left-handed”? “Yes, Dr F can cut that left-handed”. Me, being the smartass that I am, pipes up with “Just don’t let Dr. F use the kindergarten plastic safety scissors”. Dr U chimes in, “Oh, didn’t we tell you? We only let Dr F use the kindergarten safety scissors”. “Well in that case I am out of here,” I laughed. Leave it to me to joke with and taunt the doctor who is in the middle of stitching me back up. At the same time part of me is detached & watching Abe with Magnus. It was a surreal feeling to be gazing at my husband & newborn son while a bunch of people were cutting & sewing on me. I was absorbed in seeing the two of them together…it was (and will always be) one of the best most complete moments of my life. We were a family — after years of hoping, praying & trying — there was a child in our family. The surgical team was finishing up on me and the nurses came over to take Magnus for weighing, measuring & a better bath. I could see them out of the corner of my left eye & realized there was a lot of whispering. Just as my brain started to panic the nurses announced that due to a lower level of oxygen then they really liked Magnus was going off to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Before Magnus was whisked off (Abe went along) I got to have him rest on my chest for a few seconds as we had our first family picture taken. Then I went back to the room I had been in earlier to recover over night & Magnus was off to NICU where he was put on oxygen, had a chest x-ray & had antibiotics etc through IV. There’s more to the hospital stay…several more days for both of us as I tried to recover from the preeclampsia & c-section and Magnus was weaned off the IV & onto breast-feeding. Maybe I will share all that another time. Right now I have a little boy who needs his mom….

Baby Time!

Nil17 — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 03:36:09 +0000

As you may or may not already know, I gave birth on June 25th, 2010. I’m going to start at the beginning of the road to delivery with June 23rd. I had been having problems with my blood pressure for the last month so the doctor was having me in twice a week for non-stress tests to make sure Baby was doing well in spite of my elevated blood pressure. I also had to do 24 hour urine collection for protein testing to make sure that my kidneys were functioning properly.

Plus Eight

Nil17 — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 01:37:40 +0000

So here’s the deal…eight is rather a magic number in my family. My dad is one of 8 kids (2 girls, 4 boys, 2 girls); I am one of 8 kids (2 girls, 4 boys, a girl & a boy) and now my child is going to be one of 8 grandkids (2 boys, a girl, 3 boys & 2 yet to be determined). It’s funny that it has worked out this way. In fact after four years of no new grandchildren suddenly we are doubling them in a matter of months. Two new additions in the last 2 weeks alone. Grayson Joseph Jay was born 5/25 (3 weeks early) weighing in at 6lbs 15oz & 20” long. He has fuzzy dark hair & is perfect. We were glad to see him & rejoice with my brother R & his wife as they had a long hard road getting pregnant. Thankfully the pregnancy went pretty well. Then on 6/3 Micah Joel made an appearance (2 weeks early) weighing in at 6lbs 14oz & 20” long. He has long brown/blonde hair & looks like he’s recently had some highlights added. Micha joins his brother Asher who will be 2 this fall. My sister-in-law J went in & had her water broken at 12:30 pm…she delivered at 2:38 pm after some serious back labor but since she only pushed 4 times I don’t feel too badly for her. One very special thing about Micah’s delivery is that his brother Asher was in the delivery room the whole time. He helped J with her breathing at the start. He would stand by her shoulder & go “hee hee hee hoo” with her. By all accounts he was a big help & even managed to sleep through the most intense parts of the labor. Asher woke up just as Micah was being delivered. After catching a VERY quick glimpse of the birth he pointed, made a face & pointedly said, “Mess”! I love how honest & forthright kids are even if they don’t know all that’s going on. Other than that Asher seems to have embraced being a big brother (we’ll see how long it is before they fight over trucks). So now we wait….it is a month to the day until my official due date. I am hoping that this last month goes smoothly & I’m refusing to think about labor & delivery or I may just refuse to give birth. After my (our) little one makes an appearance we have to wait until September for the last baby to arrive. It is going to be a busy Christmas for the family this year but we are excited to have all these little people joining the older cousins.

A Burst of Spring

Nil17 — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 18:26:01 +0000

A year ago I waxed (somewhat) poetic about the joys of spring. I was often found sitting on my front patio (sometimes wrapped in a large blanket) enjoying the sounds, scents & sun of that time. I reveled at my country dwelling & all the charms present. Flowers blooming, trees flowering & heavy with the scent of promised fall apples. The nearby water offered up the choral performances of frogs calling for mates. It was a heady time full of desire & I was stepping out into an unknown realm. I was more than ready to embrace it & my exuberance was obvious. This year is a world apart from that time. I’m feeling much more jaded with life (not that I’ve ever been much of a wide-eyed girl) and find it hard to look at anything like I did then. My summer took a turn when I ended up in hospital for a week at the beginning of August. That set me back physically as expected but the mental aspect I was something for which I was NOT prepared. With my plans & dreams of the spring wilting under the heat of late summer & my body betraying me I was lost. For the first time I was enveloped in a fog of depression. I wasn’t ready to deal with it nor even to admit it (not even in my own head) for a long time. I pulled into myself, avoiding as much contact/interaction with people as I could, and felt the promising blossoms of spring turn with the oncoming fall weather. Work was more than a difficult situation, life at home was increasingly frustrating as we tried to find a solution to Abe’s jobless status & I felt like hibernating. We made a big decision to start looking for jobs & housing outside of our current area. This led to several trips back to my hometown area as jobs were more available and housing was much less expensive. Soon we had agreed that a move to another state (near where I grew up) was in order & preparations began. Now we are moved in if not settled in & things are going okay. With the oncoming warm weather I find that glimmer of light encouraging me that I will find the end of this feeling (whatever it may be…I’m hard pressed to define it). Life is about to go around another sharp curve this summer when I finally become a mother. July 6th is fast approaching & I am totally unprepared for the event. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there really isn’t a way I can be prepared…and we all know how I like to be prepared, organized & ready for any eventuality. Right now I’m sitting on my new patio in our tiny little backyard feeling the wind from the prairie whoosh through town & enjoying the sun, blossoming trees & occasional birdsong….a burst of spring to remind me that nothing remains unchanged.

The Marriage Strain

Nil17 — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 21:16:56 +0000

When I met Hubby it was one of those things that you know at the time are going to affect the rest of your life. I was proven correct in that within a few short months. By the time we had known each other for a year we were engaged & had 6 months to plan a wedding. It was a challenge & there were times we both thought about just running away to somewhere new. After the wedding (which mostly went pretty well) we were immediately thrust back into the harsh light of reality. Not that it wasn’t great but nothing was different other than I had to remember what my last name was. He worked long hours at various construction sites & I searched for a job (I had been laid off 6 weeks before our wedding when the e-business I worked for went belly up). After a month or so I found a job & off I went to the office every other day. I worked part-time for an eyeglass frame company. We sold wholesale to distributors & shops around the globe…and it was stressful at times. Then I’d get home & try to be a housewife. (I’m awful at housewifely duties…I detest cleaning, doing dishes etc. I am always willing to procrastinate until it MUST be done.) After a couple years we decided to make a big change & move out of the city to northern Minnesota. That little thing threw a whole new spin into our marriage. We went from being together every day to seeing each other only on the weekends. Abe would leave early, early on Monday morning to commute to the Cities & stay there until after work on Friday. Then after a 2 hour drive home I’d finally get to see him. We spent two years with that routine. Talk about putting strain on a marriage. (Yes I know people do that all the time. That doesn’t make it any less hard on their relationships or on mine.) I would spend all week alone, taking care of the puppies & the house. We both learned to sleep alone…something that was a challenge to overcome some nights when we were together. With my inability to lie in one spot & his talking while kicking and punching it was a free-for-all. Mostly we managed to take it in stride though I was often lonely. Finally we reached the point where the stars aligned & Abe found a job near our home. Sometimes I wonder how much strain a marriage can take though. After getting a really decent job near our home, I also got a part-time job & things seemed to be heading toward something good. Surprise!! but not so much. Instead after a year Abe was suddenly without a job & no prospects on the horizon. Job opportunities got more & more scarce. He went to work with his dad on their own company while I continued in my office job. We made ends meet for the most part, then I got sick. I pushed on for over a year after my first vicious gallbladder attack. Then this past August I ended up hospitalized for a week. I had dozens of tests & after 5 days was sent home with some meds for pain. At the same time we were making the decision to move again…this time to a different state. As we began working on that plan I struggled to deal with a work environment that was more than difficult. The stress was palpable everywhere I went. Abe did what he could to help me & encourage me to recover from being so ill. Then in the midst of finding a place to live, jobs and all we got what is the most amazing, joyful news—we were pregnant. More stress piled on as we processed the idea of becoming parents. Then we moved, I continued to fight different illnesses, Abe interviewed for different jobs & finally found one. There’s so much strain & stress that we’ve gone through the last few years. Now it seems like there’s more piling up every day. He works long hard hours building houses & I’m dealing with a challenging pregnancy. On top of that I’m battling depression which sucks my ambition & joy right up. It’s all I can do to get out of bed many days. Abe struggles to understand what I’m going through and what his role as “Dad” will be. I’m not saying that we’re breaking up or that things are awful. Rather there’s this strain…a stretching of our bond that doesn’t seem to have an end. We are more irritable toward each other; less forgiving that the dishwasher isn’t empty or there’s muddy footprints on the floor. Life has inundated us with a lot of the ick & the good is drowning. We push back but are getting tired of it. The strain is starting to tell & while it is just a phase it is a phase that can’t end quickly enough.