On Sunday I took my kids and husband & we went to see this family.  Now I think the last time I saw any of the kids was about 22 years ago.  I’m guessing but I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since that’s when the oldest girl, C, graduated from high school.  So for the first 18 years of my life I knew them well.  We hung out, slept over, tore around each other’s farms & generally spent a lot of time together.  Now we’re all grown, have spouses/SO & kids, jobs etc.  There’s a lot of life that has happened to all of us.

As we were talking it was like the intervening years shrank into a split second.  We all looked the same (barring a few gray hairs, wrinkles & pounds), we laugh the same & the joint memories of childhood were recalled with laughter & hidden tears.

I am so sad that it has taken a very sad time in their lives for us to reconnect.  Seeing their Dad lying in that bed made my heart hurt so much.  Partly because he is someone I know & we never want to see good people suffer.  However, I also have to acknowledge that I’m not getting any younger & that means my parents aren’t either.  I’m not ready to face that.  I know that doesn’t matter; that nothing changes the fact that death will come for each of us.

I can’t imagine how my friends feel.  Every time their dad comes out of sedation for a little bit they wonder if it is the last time.  Will they ever see his eyes open again?  Will they ever get to hold his hand and feel it’s warmth after this second?  So many questions & the unknown of where they end.  I simply pray that they are all given peace to endure this time, grace to withstand the pain & love overflowing as they say the words that we are sometimes robbed of the chance to say.

Author’s Note: A few short hours after I wrote this I got word that my friends’ dad had died.  While I am deeply saddened for their loss I am glad to know that he is free of pain & his fragile earthly body.  He is now at peace & reunited with his wife.

I did get to go out later that afternoon when Abe got home to finish running my errands.  Abe was wonderful & kept both kids for the hour I was out.  I hit Verizon for a portable wifi device & then Wal-mart for the antibiotics.  There was a lot of standing in line which tested my patience.  Walking to checkout I spied the women’s section & something in bright pink.  A quick detour showed that yoga pants (the nice ones from Danskin) were not only in my size (I was hoping) but a very reasonable $12.  I knew time was running short so into the self-check lane, a quick stop at Subway & off to home.  Everything was well under control when I got home (much to my relief but not to my surprise).  Marit was ready to eat so everybody had dinner & we vegged out on the couch.  I tried on my new pants and after a little LOT of obsessing decided they don’t look awful & I can wear them in public w/o being openly ridiculed.

Wednesday night was not a good night.  Magnus was up a lot with his ear ache & Marit decided she didn’t want to sleep her normal 4 hour cycles.  Thursday dawn found me blearily dealing with diaper changes & finding all the stuff I needed to take along for a day at my sister-in-law’s house.  Her usual daycare helper was gone so I went over to lend a hand with the 5 kids she watches.  Add in my 2, her 1 & the one kid that comes after school is out & it was chaos.  All of us were exhausted when we crashed at home later that night.

In the meantime (great, now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day…) I was listening to Falling Deeper by Anathema & trying to formulate a review for Dante’s Prog Blog Inferno.  I was procrastinating as I much prefer to be the silent editor & gal Friday over there.  However there was much insisting that I get with the program & just write already.

Friday morning I was able to sleep a little later & we had a nicely relaxed start to our day.  Errands & browsing for home decor with my sister-in-law Jilli in the afternoon went fine & the kids were great.  We ended the night with dinner out at Tinner’s (mmmm… egg & cheese burger), dessert at PeachWave (blueberry cheesecake fro-yo is teh nomz) & eventually home to tuck the kids in bed.  I attempted to write my review that night but didn’t get more than the opening paragraph done.

We were out again on Saturday morning & moving considerably more slowly.  Abe helped my brother & sister-in-law pick out doors for their basement which is slowly being finished.  Then the guys went to unload the doors & do “man stuff” while we girls (Marit included) went to the giant craft show at the convention center.  I popped Marit into her sling & into the hoard we went.  There was a lot of nice stuff but I was mainly there to browse.  I did find a very cute dress, knit hat & headband w/flowers for Marit in one of the doll clothes booths.  I looked in some of the other booths for a Halloween costume but didn’t get anything.  I may have to look again & get one of the fairy dresses…they are too cute for words.

After all our roaming about was done we spent the night in & relaxed.  I finally managed to write my review & then it was bed where we all got a pretty decent night sleep.  Today is football day & the Vikings haven’t totally fallen apart….yet.  This week should be a quiet one though we are hoping for a visit from Grandma B.  Hope you all have restful weekends & can face the week ready to tuck & roll as each day comes.

Being pregnant this time was completely different from Magnus.  I didn’t suffer from the near constant morning sickness, my blood pressure  stayed well within acceptable range (in fact I had some of the best & lowest blood pressure readings during this pregnancy), I didn’t gain any weight & other than being tired I felt great.

We decided that this time we would find out the sex of the baby at our 20 week ultrasound.  To our delight we were told that a baby girl was on the way, due September 30th.  Since I’d had a c-section with Magnus & I hadn’t yet made the 2 year mark to try for vbac (vaginal birth after caesarean) this would also be a c-section delivery & I scheduled the birth for September 23.  Everything was well on track going into the last week of August.

Looking at the number on the scale I was dismayed to discover I had gained 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I brushed it off though because I was pregnant & moving into my last month…some weight gain is to be expected.  Then the nurse took my blood pressure & it was 139/90…not a good sign but again I had been rushing around so elevated blood pressure is to be expected.  My OB came in & we talked about how I was feeling, whether the baby was moving etc.

After my high blood pressure reading & hearing that Marit wasn’t doing a lot of active moving, Dr Scott decided to put me on the non-stress test.  That means sitting very still for at least a half hour with monitors strapped to your belly.  Magnus was being pretty cooperative so I relaxed as best I could & waited to see what the results would be.  After about 45 minutes the nurse came in & said that since there just wasn’t enough movement I was being sent down to maternal-fetal medicine for a BPP (biophysical profile) ultrasound.  I called Abe & had him meet me at the hospital complex.  The ultrasound took a long time because they were looking for practice breathing & other signs that Marit was okay.

We were told that the amniotic fluid was quite low & therefore I was to go to the labor & delivery area of the Women’s Center & check in.  I signed a bunch of paperwork, got into a hospital gown & a delivery bed.  Out the window went our anniversary plans & our trip to Duluth…I was nervous, scared & crying.  Dr Scott informed me that I was a guest for at least the night & that I was confined to a clear liquid diet.  I was really upset. Partly because our plans were changed but mostly because I was worried about Marit, how Magnus would deal with being away from me for the first time & how Abe was going to juggle Magnus at home & me in the hospital.

On Thursday morning I was taken over to the ultrasound room to see if the high volume of IV fluid I was given overnight had pumped up the amniotic fluid level.  Looking at that ultrasound, hearing Marit’s heartbeat I was on edge.  It was nerve wracking to wait for Dr Heddleston to come in & talk to me about what our options were.  When he walked in he barely glanced at the monitor & then told me very calmly yet firmly that I was having a baby that day.  The amniotic fluid was only 2cm in the largest pocket…that means I had almost no fluid left for Marit.

There aren’t words to describe how scared I was hearing that news.  I plastered a smile on my face & nodded as I heard the news that my precious baby girl was arriving 5 weeks early & there was no way of knowing what would happen once she was delivered.  Dr Heddleston left & I was led back to my room.  I was bawling my eyes out & trying to call Abe to tell him that he was going to have to leave work because I needed him at the hospital.

A couple hours later I was wheeled into the OR & the prep for the spinal injection started while the nurses counted out all the instruments that the doctors would need.  I breathed as slowly as I could & tried to block out the rising nervousness as the minute hand crept closer to noon.  Then the doctors were in there, the blue shield went up & Abe was holding my left hand.

Marit Abelin Eileen arrived via c-section at 12:13 pm September 1, 2011.  She was 4lbs 5 oz & 18 1/2” long.  Hearing her cry for the first time is one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.  Knowing she was out & her lungs were strong enough to announce her arrival was reassuring.  We were allowed on quick photo with our girl before she was whisked out of the room in an incubator & on her way to NICU.  The rest of the surgery passed in a blur & I was soon back in my room recovering & waiting to be sent upstairs to the maternal unit.

I don’t remember many of the details between recovery & the first time I held Marit.  Her teeny little body snuggled into mine & I felt peace swell inside me.  She seemed to be searching for food so I cradled her to my left side & encouraged her to nurse.  Again she was completely different than Magnus.  Rather than having to work at it Marit readily latched on & nursed with no problem.  We snuggled in the bed & bonded while life flowed on around us.  We were visited by many family members who were ecstatic to welcome a new person into our clan.

I’m beyond thankful that our little girl, our miracle surprise, spent less time in NICU than I did in recovery after the surgery.  She was allowed to come home when I was & has been steadily gaining weight ever since.  Marit is still teeny, no bigger than a minute, but I know that with time she’ll grow & be as strong, healthy & fun as her big brother.

This year was no different.  We all gathered in the sun, finding shade as we could, and passed the youngest baby around (Julianna) while Magnus also made the rounds as his usual charming self.  It was really good to see some of the relatives that haven’t made the long trip down from the family homestead in Roseau, MN for several years.  As always we are already looking forward to next year…we will have added a new face to the crowd & hopefully my BIL Pete will be safely home from Iraq to join us.

My sis-in-law & her 3 kids

There’s a lot more that happened that weekend but it was so drama filled that I can’t even deal with writing it all down here… so moving on!

On Independence Day we left the Cities fairly early in the day & headed south toward home.  Since we had time we decided to make a trip to my folks & check out the tornado damage that had been wrought on Friday night.  We stopped at my brother TJ’s house first.  There wasn’t a lot of damage there…some large trees were downed & they knocked off the back porch and smashed into the bay window in the dining room.  Messy but compared to the people who lost roofs not terrible.  It was a long day with all the driving but nice to see that everybody was safe.  We even managed to do a few sparklers for the little kids.

After the long weekend July was a tough month.  Magnus had rotovirus (so many very icky diapers), then a cold, a head trauma (cart diving for babies), a double ear infection & he cut a new tooth.  I should mention the oppressive heat & humidity that came with July.  Far more than normal & it was my least favorite time to be pregnant.  We had over two weeks where the heat index was 100+…I am very happy to have that behind us though a few hot days before autumn sets in for good.

I have a lot in my head but it is hard to put to the page.  This month is flying by in many ways though some days seem to drag.
The heat has been record setting and there is no end in sight.  Normally I don’t mind the heat & humidity of our summers here.  This year with Magnus & a baby on the way I just want cooler weather.  The lack of air conditioning in the house really makes daily chores a nightmare.  I get overheated trying to clean or cook and my first priority has to be how I feel.  I am praying for a few days of cooler weather soon…I need to get stuff done.

Overall I feel pretty good with the pregnancy though.  I have only gained about 10 pounds so far which I’m very happy about.  The weight I already have seems to be moving around though so I’m finding that my pants are getting uncomfortable.  Of course that is the silver lining to this heat cloud…it is just far too hot for pants.  If you’re thinking about visiting, call first.

Other than that I’m not sure what to say.  I’m cranky & irritable, wishing I were superwoman and missing the contact I usually maintain with friends. 

A thought struck me tonight though.  I’m more lucky than I maybe realize that I have Magnus.  He loves me.  It may sound like the most simplistic statement ever but it bears repeating.  Magnus loves me.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a clean t-shirt to wear, my hair is a mess, I’m hormonal, growing bigger by the second, struggle with depression, have a short fuse on my temper some days or that I fall short every day.  To Magnus I am comfort, fun, happiness and of course food.

I’m hard to love for other people (I think)… I wish I weren’t.
To be the happy-go-lucky, always smiling, positive outlook, fuzzy warm baby snuggles girl would be great. I often wish I were that girl…instead I work hard to have something nice to say. With my friends I really strive to be encouraging, to have the words that will make a positive impact on them.

Whether or not I’m successful remains to be seen. I know I don’t always succeed. Also, because I’m not prone to seeing the positive for myself it is difficult for me to accept when others do. I am (more so now while I’m pregnant) needy & insecure. I feel lonely & at times forgotten by those I consider to be some of my closest friends. I feel trapped outside of the amusement park of life.

There is part of me that realizes this is silly. Everybody is busy with life, work, spouses etc. I know in the logical (and smaller part of my inner voice) that everything remains steadfast…that I’m not forgotten. Still the insecure girl who so wants to be liked worries about whether maybe ~this~ time I really will be forgotten and left behind.

It makes me sad…I just hope that in spite of how hard it may be to love me that people will continue to do so. I give of my love as freely as I can. My hope is that in some small way it compensates those who have opened their hearts to me.

By now everybody knows about the devastation in Joplin, MO.  Sunday an EF-4 tornado cut a swath of destruction that is unbelievable.  A few minutes of wind left St. John’s hospital damaged, the helicopter that would be immediately needed a crumpled heap of metal in front of the building.  The high school is gone as are apartment buildings, stores, homes and entire lives.

I’ve been watching it all unfold via Twitter- from the first reports of severe weather to pleas for help in finding missing loved ones. Through all of it I have once again witnessed the power of the common citizen. oPeople nearby volunteering to help find victims in building to building searches; Twitter residents taking their time to tweet individual requests for information on missing persons.  It all gives me hope in the compassion & humanity of our country.

Rather than attempt to give a bunch of info here on how you can help I will point you to The Mutant Mouse Chronicles. The right side bar has links to information & organizations helping in the relief effort. My friend Rick Fisher (@fishfire) has amassed everything you could possibly want to know right there.  His dedication to helping via Twitter is inspiring…and there are hundreds more out there doing the same thing.

The need for help will last for a very long time. Immediate needs will be met by organizations like American Red Cross & The United Way. However once those needs are met, the cleanup & rebuilding process will begin. Much like New Orleans & even more recently Tuscaloosa, AL (for information on how to help Tuscaloosa visit this page: Tuscaloosa, AL - Official Website ) the need for help remains long after the media leaves. Please keep the rescue workers & residents in your prayers as Joplin works to rebuild.