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Posts Tagged ‘life’

Young & Old

26 Aug

Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting.  He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the  years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows.  So many precious times to be lived & cherished.

As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother.  Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly.  More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles.  Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age.  Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be.  She forgets important things like latching her door.  Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times.  Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit.  Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night.  I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house.  I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work.

Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.

 
 

Family Reunion 2010

24 Aug

This past weekend we attended my family reunion in New Ulm, MN.  We’ve had the Lee family (my maternal grandmother & her brothers et al) reunion as long as I can remember.  I talked about it in this post.

We haven’t gone in the past few years as it was a long trip for a few short hours.  This year we are closer & we were anxious to show off Magnus to the extended family.  There weren’t many people in attendance & unfortunately it appears that this will be the last year we have the reunion.  I’m saddened by this…so many of my childhood summer memories are tied up with this event.  I would love for my child (and my nieces/nephews) to have a similar experience.  However, the family circle has drifted to all corners of the country & a yearly reunion just isn’t feasible.  It remains to be seen what will happen. In the meantime I got a few pictures that I really want to share from this year.

 
 

The Birth of Magnus Troy

19 Jul

When we last saw our heroine she was lying in an extremely hard birthing bed on day 3 of being induced for the health of both Baby & momma. As we resume the doctor has decided to break the water in hopes of speeding up the labor & subsequent delivery.

It was apparent that I was going to need an epidural before my water was broken. I was incredibly happy to hear that as anything that would ease pain for even a short time had reached DefCon 5. Abe stood in front of me & held my hands as the epidural was placed in my back. I abhor needles so having a giant one inserted into my back was not one of my most favorite things but I did much better than I thought I would. There was very little flinching & no embarrassing crying or fainting.

While we waited for the epidural to take effect & the doctor to come back Abe headed out into the waiting area to tell some family what was happening & to take care of some business with his paycheck. In the meantime the doctor came back & a team of people were with her. It was time to break my water. Of course I immediately wanted Abe with me but he was not to be found. The procedure was completed (I will spare you my description of it) and suddenly I was rolled onto my left side while a nurse slapped an oxygen mask on my face & began talking me through some slow, deep breathing. I could tell something was wrong but didn’t know what. Through all of this my cell (my Blackberry, my tether, my line to the outside world) was clutched in my right hand. When I was rolled onto my side I remembered the phone & quickly sent a text message to Abe. The gist of the message was “Get your ass in here RIGHT NOW!”.

Abe showed up right quick & was there when the doctor came back to discuss our options. The doctor explained that when my water broke Baby’s heart rate dropped to 50. It came back up but would decelerate every time I had a contraction. They stopped the pitocin for a while and the heart rate remained where it was supposed to be but I stopped having contractions. Dr U explained that we could continue the pitocin & try for a natural delivery but that every time the pitocin was used it would take a toll on Baby. On the other hand there was the option for a c-section. As with all surgery there are inherent risks but we concluded that taking time to do a c-section while Baby wasn’t in distress made the most sense for everybody’s well-being.

The team got right to work getting me ready to head down to the OR for surgery. They worked on increasing the epidural along with getting me to sign all kinds of release forms. Then I was wheeled down the hall to surgery; Abe had been ushered off to scrub & don the gown, mask and hat so he could join us. Once in the OR the anesthesiologist worked on getting a new IV placed so that I could handle the drugs. It took a bit of work but the new IV went in perfectly & soon I was taking all the drugs that were needed. With the epidural flowing (like a trickle of cool water sliding down my back) I was soon numb to my sternum. The blue barrier went up & the doctors came in with Abe.

Abe was seated to my left & could reach out to hold my hand which was very necessary as I was freaking out in a corner of my mind though I was working very hard to breathe & remain calm on the outside. Waiting for the first cut was nerve-wracking — Dr. F & Dr. U were great though & soon put me at ease. There was this wonderful atmosphere of joy in the OR. The whole team was chatting, smiling & laughing. Abe & I joined in on the chatter discussing whether the baby was a boy or girl, name choices, how long we waited to become parents etc. Dr. U told me she was going to have to perform a vertical incision which “will mess up your bikini line”. “Right, because I’ve worn a bikini so much recently”, I retorted.

As the surgical team went about performing the C-section I was talking with them, Abe & generally feeling better than I had in several days (mostly due to the fact I could lie flat on my back & I had an excellent supply of drugs being pumped into me). In what seemed like a long time but was really only 6 minutes Dr U commented on how wrapped up the baby was. Then came the big announcement… “It’s a boy”! Abe & I were surprised & overjoyed. I had thought for sure that we would be having a girl. Of course it didn’t matter at all…a healthy baby was all we really wanted. As the doctor held the baby up over the blue barrier I glanced up to see our son — beautiful & perfect with just a bit of dark hair. The nurses quickly cleaned him off a bit & wrapped him up in a blanket before handing him off to the proud father.

While the nurses were getting him clean they asked if we had a name. Glancing at Abe I said Magnus Troy is his name. We had started out joking about naming a boy Magnus as it is such a strong name & we figured it was a name that could be for any profession. Who wouldn’t love to hear a kickass prog rock/metal band called Magnus? Cheering for a ball player (football, baseball or basketball) named Magnus… absolutely! However, what started out as a bit of a laugh for us quickly became a name that just seemed to fit; it grew on us & one look at the little man sealed the deal.

Anyway, I’m still on the table and can “feel” the doctors working on me. I can feel tugging & pulling in my abdomen. I heard someone ask “Can someone cut this suture left-handed”? “Yes, Dr F can cut that left-handed”. Me, being the smartass that I am, pipes up with “Just don’t let Dr. F use the kindergarten plastic safety scissors”. Dr U chimes in, “Oh, didn’t we tell you? We only let Dr F use the kindergarten safety scissors”. “Well in that case I am out of here,” I laughed. Leave it to me to joke with and taunt the doctor who is in the middle of stitching me back up.

At the same time part of me is detached & watching Abe with Magnus. It was a surreal feeling to be gazing at my husband & newborn son while a bunch of people were cutting & sewing on me. I was absorbed in seeing the two of them together…it was (and will always be) one of the best most complete moments of my life. We were a family — after years of hoping, praying & trying — there was a child in our family.

The surgical team was finishing up on me and the nurses came over to take Magnus for weighing, measuring & a better bath. I could see them out of the corner of my left eye & realized there was a lot of whispering. Just as my brain started to panic the nurses announced that due to a lower level of oxygen then they really liked Magnus was going off to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Before Magnus was whisked off (Abe went along) I got to have him rest on my chest for a few seconds as we had our first family picture taken. Then I went back to the room I had been in earlier to recover over night & Magnus was off to NICU where he was put on oxygen, had a chest x-ray & had antibiotics etc through IV.

There’s more to the hospital stay…several more days for both of us as I tried to recover from the preeclampsia & c-section and Magnus was weaned off the IV & onto breast-feeding. Maybe I will share all that another time. Right now I have a little boy who needs his mom….

 
 

A Preview of Upcoming Posts

12 Jun

Every small town in this area (in fact in the country probably) has some type of summer weekend fling. They celebrate the town’s heritage etc. Here we have “Wheels & Squeals”…a combination car show & rib fest weekend. There are quite a few events along with food, requisite beer garden & live music. After reading the proposed events it has been decided that in spite of my bed rest requirements we must attend some of the events. Obviously I will be taking my lawn chair as well as my camera. I could not in all good conscience •not• bring my beloved readers a look at what is sure to be a white trashy good time. I mean who wants to miss the burnout contest, ugliest/loudest car contest, greased pig chase and so much more.

All of this occurs next weekend (coinciding with a visit from my mother-in-law) so stay tuned for what is surely going to be a weekend of ….well quite possibly abject horror.

I also need to recap our trip to RockFest in KC last month. We had a good time & enjoyed seeing Hubby’s brother. I will take the time to post the pictures I managed to take along with a full description of all the craziness we witnessed.

Of course there is always baby stuff for me to carry on about but we shall see if I have the energy to hash over how I’m doing in that department.

In the meantime I highly recommend that you check out the following blogs for something entertaining, thought-provoking & just plain good reading.

Check out my friend Mary at Fit This, Girl! for fitness tips, encouragement, good recipes & general boosting of spirits.

A Twitter friend, Sugarwilla over at her blog is working on 30 Days of Gratitude. Stop for a bit & leave a comment.

Another Twitter friend, Amy over at Taste Like Crazy always has something fun going on. Check her out for wild & crazy stories about being a mom, writer, wife etc.

For a look at what’s happening with one of my favorite bands check out Shadow Gallery. I know they are rehearsing for a trip to Europe where they will debut live at ProgPower Europe 2010.

Another place to check out some great music & writing is over at The Mutant Mouse Chronicles. The head Mutant Mouse has been writing a lot & also has links to where you can get his music. I highly recommend you get some (or all) of what is on offer.

 
 

Baby On My Mind

03 Jun

I know you’re not surprised to see that I’ve got Baby on the brain. Seriously I’ve got a month left until the little one is due & nothing else to focus on.  There is SO much that needs to be done around the house & yet here I sit on the couch watching TV.  Now that sounds lazy & let me tell you it feels even lazier!  However, I know that it is best for Baby so I’m doing my very, very best to be good.  There are days where I don’t do as much sitting as I should.  Those days are usually spent at least partially at the doctor’s office getting hooked up to all kinds of monitors to see if Baby is behaving him/herself.  Usually the answer is no…in fact I’ve had quite a few ultrasounds in the past couple weeks.  Seems Baby doesn’t really want to move around when the doctor is watching; nor show anybody a clear view of any features.  We have tried & tried but each time we go for a profile picture or a facial picture Baby gets creative in hiding.  The first time Baby simply rolled over & presented his/her butt to the camera.  The second time Baby decided that just hiding behind hands wasn’t enough & pulled both feet up as well.  Attempt number 3 was Baby flattening the whole face against the wall of the uterus…rather like pressing your face tightly against a window or pillow.  The last time we did get a bit of a profile so we know that Baby has eyes, nose, mouth, chin but there’s little to let us distinguish any characteristics.  Seems Baby takes after Mom in a few ways.  *smile*

Of course I’m also thinking of all the stuff that I really should have when we bring Baby home.  Fortunately I was given a wonderful Pak n’ Play which is already set up in our bedroom.  It’s pink & gray so I’m hoping this is a girl…otherwise our son will be getting in touch with his feminine side early.  I also found a fantastic high chair (which I obviously won’t need for a while) with extra tray inserts.  The inserts are awesome & have little compartments so food doesn’t have to mix together.  Yes it makes my OCD heart go pitter-patter to think about them.  {I can’t even eat. The food keeps touching. I like military plates, I’m a military man, I want a military meal. I want my string beans to be quarantined! I like a little fortress around my mashed potatoes so the meatloaf doesn’t invade my mashed potatoes and cause mixing in my plate! I HATE IT when food touches! I’m a military man, you understand that? And don’t let your food touch either, please? ~LL Cool J as Patrick Zevo in “Toys”}

Anyway, I’ve got a car seat, a place for Baby to sleep & lots of love…what I don’t have yet are diapers, clothes, blankets and all the other things.  I have about a dozen onesies but I know that once Baby arrives I will have a package filled with (gender appropriate) clothing coming from a friend who is blessing us with her generosity.  Just another reason I find that being on Twitter is an amazing blessing sometimes.  As for the diapers, blankets etc I guess I’m just having faith that I will have enough of what is needed.  I know we’ll get quite a few receiving blankets from the hospital & I have several heavier blankets (not that I will need them in July) along with a quilt that Grandma B made for me years ago.  Sadly Grandma B is no longer here but she made quilts for all her grandchildren who didn’t yet have kids before she died.  It is very special that I’ll have that blanket in which to bring my first born home.

I’m not sure how the labor, delivery etc will go…not that I can know that but I do need to start thinking of being prepared.  That means packing a bag of stuff I’ll need in the hospital.  The big wild card is when all this will happen.  Since Hubby has been at his job less than a year he has ZERO vacation time.  That means any time he spends with me is unpaid time off.  There is just no way we can afford for him to miss more than 1 day of work.  I’m praying that I go in on a Friday night & am out of the hospital on Monday.  That way Hubby can be with us in the hospital & not miss work.  It’s a catch-22 situation because I want nothing more than for Hubby to be there the whole time….thinking that he might miss a moment of our precious little one’s arrival makes me sad.

Overall I am anxious for the next month to be over…not because I am tired of being pregnant (although it is getting tiring) but because I can barely stand waiting to SEE & HOLD this little one, to spend hours watching him/her sleep, to snuggle into bed at night as a family, to watch Hubby be a father & to show Baby off to the world.

 
 
 

Baby Talk

13 Apr

While I’m assuming anybody who knows me knows that I am pregnant I haven’t really talked much about being pregnant.  Partly because life (as you well know) has been a crazy disaster of insanity but also because I don’t want to bore ya’ll with the minutiae of the pregnancy.  I figure if you call yourself a part of my life in even a small way you know what a big deal it was for us to discover that we were expecting.  In fact words can’t describe the feeling we had (have still) when we got a positive test.

Anyway this post if going to be full of crazy talk about Baby Fred (we don’t know the sex but my 7 year old nephew Squash has decided he thinks our names are boring & that Fred is a much cooler name), how I’ve been feeling about being pregnant, the fact that my brain is turning to mush & other fun things.  Indulge me as I really don’t talk in depth about this very much….mostly I’ve limited it to an occasional status update that I’m tired/feeling fat/sad/cranky/going to the doctor.

Today I had my 4th doctor’s appointment, my 2nd ultrasound & a glucose test.  The doctor’s appointments have been very routine & the doctor is very pleased with how I am doing.  I have excellent blood pressure & have maintained my weight to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I’m astonished by this particular feat but very thankful because I’d hate for someone to mistake my pasty whiteness as some sort of exotic giant water mammal when Baby Fred makes an appearance.

I had another ultrasound (I’m guessing ‘cuz I’m nearly 35 & the size of a 3rd world hut) & Baby Fred looks good.  Well what I could see…Baby Fred is as active as ever & very camera shy.  In a bid to keep us guessing about looks, Baby Fred managed to hide behind both hands before impressing us by hiding behind a foot.  Good to know the little one is flexible but rather frustrating as I’d like a picture.  Of course I can’t complain too much….after all I’m liable to hide behind my hands too when someone attempts taking a picture of me.

We got to see the bones in the arms & legs which was cool as well as the heart beating.  Heart rate is very good & strong.  All the fingers & toes are in place so barring a bizarre in utero accident I fully expect to be able to count them one by one in a few weeks.  I am scheduled to have another ultrasound in six weeks just to check on growth etc.  They aren’t expecting anything out of the ordinary but are being cautious since I fall in the “high-risk” category.

The best thing is feeling how active Baby Fred is lately.  Over the last two weeks the belly acrobatics have increased dramatically.  What was an occasional flutter or bump has morphed into a serious punchkick routine.  The other day I was lying on the couch reading Chaucer when suddenly my book was jolted so hard I lost my place on the page.  I’m not sure if that was a judgement of my reading material or a warning that giant books rested on my belly are fair game for Baby Fred to punt about.

Baby Fred also enjoys the music that plays throughout the house.  We’ve played a variety of music to see what type of  reactions we get.  Classical usually results in a sort of swaying, rocking motion.  80s music causes a boppy sort of Molly Ringwald/George Michael dance which is entertaining but quickly starts to feel uncomfortable.  Rock (especially metal & prog rock) sends Baby Fred to new heights with all sorts of wiggling, jamming & punchkicking.  Since we are going to RockFest in KC next month we’ll see what happens there.

Mostly I’m doing well being pregnant….though I am always exhausted it seems.  Health-wise things are normal & though I have caught every virus/bacteria that has come along that is to be expected.  At least I’m building Baby Fred’s immunity to colds, stomach flu, bronchitis etc.  I got my glucose test back & I’m completely normal (well at least my blood sugar is normal) so that means one less concern.

I guess now the only thing to do is keep on with what I’ve been doing, find a few baby items (I’ve got nothing right now but a swing, a pac ‘n play & my old baby quilt) and hope that things continue to go this smoothly.

 
 
 

A Burst of Spring

11 Apr

A year ago I waxed (somewhat) poetic about the joys of spring.  I was often found sitting on my front patio (sometimes wrapped in a large blanket) enjoying the sounds, scents & sun of that time.  I reveled at my country dwelling & all the charms present.  Flowers blooming, trees flowering & heavy with the scent of promised fall apples.  The nearby water offered up the choral performances of frogs calling for mates.  It was a heady time full of desire & I was stepping out into an unknown realm.  I was more than ready to embrace it & my exuberance was obvious.

This year is a world apart from that time.  I’m feeling much more jaded with life (not that I’ve ever been much of a wide-eyed girl) and find it hard to look at anything like I did then.  My summer took a turn when I ended up in hospital for a week at the beginning of August.  That set me back physically as expected but the mental aspect I was something for which I was NOT prepared.

With my plans & dreams of the spring wilting under the heat of late summer & my body betraying me I was lost.  For the first time I was enveloped in a fog of depression.  I wasn’t ready to deal with it nor even to admit it (not even in my own head) for a long time.  I pulled into myself, avoiding as much contact/interaction with people as I could, and felt the promising blossoms of spring turn with the oncoming fall weather.

Work was more than a difficult situation, life at home was increasingly frustrating as we tried to find a solution to Abe’s jobless status & I felt like hibernating.  We made a big decision to start looking for jobs & housing outside of our current area.  This led to several trips back to my hometown area as jobs were more available and housing was much less expensive.  Soon we had agreed that a move to another state (near where I grew up) was in order & preparations began.

Now we are moved in if not settled in & things are going okay.  With the oncoming warm weather I find that glimmer of light encouraging me that I will find the end of this feeling (whatever it may be…I’m hard pressed to define it).  Life is about to go around another sharp curve this summer when I finally become a mother.  July 6th is fast approaching & I am totally unprepared for the event.  I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there really isn’t a way I can be prepared…and we all know how I like to be prepared, organized & ready for any eventuality.

Right now I’m sitting on my new patio in our tiny little backyard feeling the wind from the prairie whoosh through town & enjoying the sun, blossoming trees & occasional birdsong….a burst of spring to remind me that nothing remains unchanged.

 
 

She’s (FINALLY) Having A Baby!

11 Dec

I don’t even know where to start….life is moving in so many directions some days I don’t even know which way to turn.  We’re supposed to be working hard packing for the move to South Dakota…I say supposed to because it is much easier to promise to do the packing later & go play with Pete, Anne & the boys or snuggle on the couch with a movie.  After all it’s cold, cold, COLD here right now.  Plus I’m just starting to get past the extreme nausea of the first trimester.

That’s right, you read that last sentence correctly…I’m pregnant!!  I am entering my fourth month & am excited if really feeling the fatigue of all the changes.  Abe has been wonderful taking care of me, helping me when I am too sick to do much & just generally being wonderful to me.  He’s as excited as I am though of course he doesn’t say much.

It is truly an answer to many many prayers….we both were getting to the point where we didn’t really think that having a baby was going to happen.   Now we are pleasantly surprised & shocked to find that parenthood will indeed be something we can participate in enjoying/lamenting.

Our little bundle (we won’t find out the sex….all we want is a healthy baby) will arrive on the tentative date of July 6th.  We have lots to do to get ready but there’s still time.  I will keep you updated on things as I feel like writing…one thing that I’ve noticed is that reading/writing/typing makes my nausea worse.  Couldn’t be a more irritating thing since I love to read & would like to work on my writing since I’m not working right now.  Still it is the best of all reasons so I’m trying not to get too frustrated with it.

It has been HARD keeping the news a “secret” (okay I totally told all my immediate family & some close friends right away) but we’ve decided to let the rest of the world in on the big news.  I’m glad ‘cuz it was getting tricky trying to keep from making random comments about how sick I feel or how oddly weepy I get at things.  Let me say that dealing with depression & pregnancy hormones really makes the old emotional roller coaster a true 5 alarm emergency some days.  Still overall I’m working to keep calm & not be too self-critical (okay in my head I’m still too hard on me but I’m trying to give myself some grace) & most of all take care of myself.  We shall see how I survive the next 6 months or so.  I won’t even think about labor, delivery & afterwards yet.

 
 

This Old House

07 Dec

Well it’s official….we’ve found a new place to live.  Over the last week/weekend we made plans to look at some potential houses for the big move.  There were a lot of places that sounded like they’d be great.  One was a nice double wide with some additions…it looked really nice.  It was on 17 acres which was something I really wanted.  However I wasn’t willing to share it with the other tenant who lived in another trailer on the same property.  It just seemed like a bad idea to share space with a stranger.

Another place we actually went to look at was a nice looking (from the pictures) 2 story farm house on four acres with a fenced in pasture & a barn.  Not that we need a barn but with dogs it is nice to be able to put them outside & yet know they have a nice sheltered place to be if we are gone for a few days.  Walking into this house gave me the idea that things would be difficult living there.  The front corner of the house had settled quite a lot so there was a pronounced slope to the entry & kitchen.  I’m fairly certain that putting an egg on the (miniscule) kitchen counter would have led to the egg being smashed in the corner of the room.  The dining room was very nice…easily the nicest in the house…with beautiful hardwood floors, built in cabinets & really nice wood throughout.  However, there were supposed to be 3 bedrooms…well since the upstairs was not available (some lady likes to come & stay there from time to time I guess.  And there isn’t a separate entrance for her plus she’d have to use the main bathroom & kitchen) they had taken the formal sitting rooms (which were divided by a giant pocket door) and closed them off creating 2 “bedrooms”.  This meant that there was only one common living area (the dining room) which was NOT large enough to hold our living room furniture let alone a table & chairs.  So that left us with one more place to inspect before we were back to square one.

The final place we actually went to inspect is 30 miles west of Sioux Falls.  A bit further than we’d like but still easily in reach since it’s interstate driving.  It’s in town (another thing I especially wanted to avoid as I like my space, don’t really like people, and I want to have plenty of room for our dogs) but it was the right size & the right price!  We ended up taking the tour in the dark (the owner had the power shut off & our appointment was for 7 PM) & cold.  It was an adventure navigating the house with only flashlights.  Still it was a really nice house.  There is plenty of space of us & we will have room for guests as well (if we ever have any).  There is a teeny back yard so it will be a huge adjustment for the dogs but we have a nice large garage so they can be in there too.  Overall we are very happy with the house & know that it’s only temporary as we have a one year lease & then can look for something else if we want.

Now comes the packing which I hate.  Our house is a jumbled mess (one because I am a terrible housekeeper & two because we’ve started packing already) & we’ve got 3 weeks to pack, clean & move 400 miles in the winter.  I have no idea how we will manage to move our stuff (there’s a lot of furniture & things like the grill, lawnmower, dog house) without stealing an 18 wheeler.  I can’t think about it too much or I end up crying/having a panic attack.

I will miss our old house.  It isn’t perfect but it is our little world.  We can sit outside without people seeing us, there’s a fire pit & lots of room for the dogs.  We have gorgeous trees that flower & turn bright pink in the spring.  There are lots of birds & even an occasional deer will wander through.  It is my haven, my Fortress of Solitude & I will miss it greatly.

 
 

Jumbled

12 Nov

I’m jumbled up today like a 5000 piece puzzle scattered about.  I woke up feeling sort of okay…a day off & I need it.  After a somewhat leisurely start to the day it was off to visit quickly with some friends & a quick lunch date with another friend.  It was nice to see them but I could feel the sadness creeping in.

Then I picked up my paycheck…after that nasty surprise (there’s a reason I’m quitting ‘cuz seriously for all the work I do there & I don’t even make $10/hr…) we headed home.  By the time I walked in my front door the cold fingers of depression were wrapped firmly around my entire being.  I attempted to sit in my chair but after about 42 seconds I could tell that wasn’t going to work.  My gallbladder is aggravating me & I’m so tired these days that no amount of sleep makes me feel rested….so I did the only thing I could & got out of my clothes and into bed.

I thought I’d just lie there awhile & see if my blanket (I’ve had it since the day I was born) and the down comforter could help chase the soul chill away.  Instead I drifted off, phone clutched in my right hand like a lifeline with nobody at the other end.  I vaguely remember Abe coming to check on me & rubbing my back ’til I fell asleep again…I shudder to think how much more of a hot mess I’d be without him.

There are now only 9 working days until I am done at my job.  It’s a relief in many ways because I’m not happy there.  I don’t mind the customers, answering phones etc but let’s be honest a monkey could do my job.  There is a satisfaction in helping a customer, fixing their little problems & knowing I can offer assistance when there is something bad that happens…after all that’s what a good insurance agent does.  However I need something that challenges me, stretches me…without that I get bored and become at best a mediocre worker.  I don’t enjoy that…I was taught to work hard & take pride it that.  Now I don’t know what I’ll do.

Moving (yes in case I’ve failed to properly mention it we are moving.) is an overwhelming thing in my mind…it’s my great white whale at the moment.  Abe has been slowly packing some things & I know that I need to start pitching in as best I am able.  I think this weekend the photos will come down off the walls & the books will come off the shelves.  Where we are going to go is something we haven’t figured out quite yet.  We’re looking for places near Sioux Falls, SD so that Abe has plenty of job opportunities & hopefully steady work.  I am looking for something VERY part time; preferably something I can do from home.  Plus I’m hoping to find a doctor who can help me with this depression…and the insecurity that overwhelms me.

Yet I see the good things coming…being closer to my family whom I love so very much.  Also we will be closer to Abe’s brother in Missouri which will be nice for them.  I do hope they will be able to spend more time together.  And there is much wild beauty on the prairies of my home…much I have not yet trained my camera or inner eye upon to study.  I need to do a photo blog post of some of that from the last time I was down there.

My heart is torn, cracked & sore…I ache for the things I will miss.  Not only the nature that surrounds me but the people.  My sister-in-law Anne…my sister in fact.  We have shared so many good & difficult times…and a lot of dressing rooms in Maurices.  No matter our distance she will be close to my heart as will her precious boys who are like my own almost.  I adore them to pieces & have so enjoyed being part of their lives in an everyday sort of way.  It will take extra effort from now on but I don’t want to lose that connection….

So I sit here far too late, in my chair with the dogs napping & Abe playing Wii…crying because of the fullness of life–the joys that will come & the sorrow that lingers all jumbled together & rushing me over the sharp edges toward something which I can’t yet see.

 
 
 
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