I don’t know what I’m doing…which for me is a huge problem. I always want to know where I’m headed. I like to have a plan of action, a course to follow, a map to read. I don’t mind taking detours if I’m not just wandering aimlessly. It’s the perfectionist (no that doesn’t apply to my housekeeping…I’m a slob when it comes to that, don’t judge me or I’ll point out your spelling & grammar mistakes) in me; the control freak who needs to know what’s coming. I dislike, no make that loathe, change. There’s so much going on right now & I’m a mess…I’m talking total disaster! It’s “call for federal aid, Hurricane (insert name here) has hit” time. It’s “She can’t take no more Cap’n, she’s starting to break” type stuff….
It’s been nearly 22 months since Abe was last employed. He’s done odd jobs here & there, taken every dollar of unemployment available, tried to make a go of Black Ash & More, applied for every job between here & Bedlam…problem is there just aren’t jobs. The few that are out there (and it’s VERY few) mostly don’t even make it feasible for him to drive to work ‘cuz the pay is so low & the number of miles too great. Of course I can already hear the “you should move” comments. If only it were just that simple…
We don’t have the finances to move…without going into that whole matter let’s just say that coming up with 2+ months rent isn’t going to happen. We’ve cleaned out the retirement accounts ages ago, our savings is gone…our credit….well we won’t go there either. Anything positive we had going came to a screeching halt 2 years ago & we’re sinking now. Not to mention the logistics….
Of course there are benefits…Abe can get a good job again. It’ll mean a lot to him & I will do anything to support him. Moving to the location we are considering would put us closer to his brother in Missouri & a lot closer to my family all of whom I do miss. Yet we’ll be further from his dad, his brother & wife and their boys up here. We won’t be that stone’s throw from the North Shore & all the places we’ve grown to love. The places that refresh my spirit & inspire my soul…the places I’m proud to know & to which I want to play travel guide for visiting friends. Will I ever visit again & feel the wonder that sinks deep into the core of me? I don’t know…right now everything is clouded. I’m not good with change…even when I want to make it. Right now I don’t want to make a change even though my logic tells me that it is what I must do.
I’m afraid….afraid that I’m never going to feel like me, that the people I care for & consider to be my close friends will decide that I’m too much work (I know, I know…my real friends won’t do that…doesn’t make the fear any less real), I’m afraid of losing myself.






