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Posts Tagged ‘job’

Familiarity Breeds….Fear of the Unknown

21 Oct

I don’t know what I’m doing…which for me is a huge problem.  I always want to know where I’m headed.  I like to have a plan of action, a course to follow, a map to read.  I don’t mind taking detours if I’m not just wandering aimlessly.  It’s the perfectionist (no that doesn’t apply to my housekeeping…I’m a slob when it comes to that, don’t judge me or I’ll point out your spelling & grammar mistakes) in me; the control freak who needs to know what’s coming.  I dislike, no make that loathe, change.  There’s so much going on right now & I’m a mess…I’m talking total disaster!  It’s “call for federal aid, Hurricane (insert name here) has hit” time.  It’s “She can’t take no more Cap’n, she’s starting to break” type stuff….


It’s been nearly 22 months since Abe was last employed.  He’s done odd jobs here & there, taken every dollar of unemployment available, tried to make a go of Black Ash & More, applied for every job between here & Bedlam…problem is there just aren’t jobs.  The few that are out there (and it’s VERY few) mostly don’t even make it feasible for him to drive to work ‘cuz the pay is so low & the number of miles too great.  Of course I can already hear the “you should move” comments.  If only it were just that simple…

We don’t have the finances to move…without going into that whole matter let’s just say that coming up with 2+ months rent isn’t going to happen.  We’ve cleaned out the retirement accounts ages ago, our savings is gone…our credit….well we won’t go there either.  Anything positive we had going came to a screeching halt 2 years ago & we’re sinking now.  Not to mention the logistics….


Of course there are benefits…Abe can get a good job again.  It’ll mean a lot to him & I will do anything to support him.  Moving to the location we are considering would put us closer to his brother in Missouri & a lot closer to my family all of whom I do miss.  Yet we’ll be further from his dad, his brother & wife and their boys up here.  We won’t be that stone’s throw from the North Shore & all the places we’ve grown to love.  The places that refresh my spirit & inspire my soul…the places I’m proud to know & to which I want to play travel guide for visiting friends.  Will I ever visit again & feel the wonder that sinks deep into the core of me?  I don’t know…right now everything is clouded.  I’m not good with change…even when I want to make it.  Right now I don’t want to make a change even though my logic tells me that it is what I must do.


I’m afraid….afraid that I’m never going to feel like me, that the people I care for & consider to be my close friends will decide that I’m too much work (I know, I know…my real friends won’t do that…doesn’t make the fear any less real), I’m afraid of losing myself.

 
 

Where Do I Go From Here?

06 Oct

It’s no surprise to my readers (I think I have readers…hard to tell these days since my best ones have gone MIA & I’m not sure if I’ll get them back….) that my job is not my favorite place to spend time.  Besides tumult in working with the office personnel, I am at the point where my job doesn’t challenge me…and me + unchallenging work =disaster.  I have trouble focusing when I’m not challenged which means procrastination & other self-defeating habits.  I’m not happy where I am yet with the job market & economy the way it is…well I would most certainly need another, higher paying job before I consider letting this one go.  I’m on the horns of a dilemma & I really wish I had a nice comfy cushion ‘cuz I think I’m going to be here awhile.

My true deep down desire is to write…I want to write a book (I have no idea what that book would be), I want to work on my poetry & someday publish a small book of it with a dedication to my husband (and a poem dedicated to someone who inspires me to write better), I want to have time to go out & take the pictures that speak to me & fuel my creativity.  I want to take those pictures & create a book of the places that feed my soul in hopes of sharing that with someone when they need it the most.

Today I got a text message from Mom who relayed a message from Aunt D.  Basically they both think that I should write.  Heh, I’m not disagreeing but I know that there really isn’t money in writing unless you’re Stephen King or Michael Crichton or J.K. Rowling.  I’m not…and I’m okay with that.  I just wish I knew where I was supposed to be.

I guess I don’t really have a point  to this post except to posit the question- Where do I go from here?  I don’t know & I’m running out of faith that I’ll be getting any answers.

 
 

Art in Real Life

05 Oct
Okay so I am beyond exhausted today (started this on Thursday…it’s now Saturday & everything still applies) & don’t really know what to say.  I wanted to get some writing done today but the fates were against me (like that’s news…those bitches are always against me) so I lieu of writing I’m going to post a bunch of pics I took while being drug through the Minneapolis area today.  I got to go to a super excellent place that is FILLED with stuff reclaimed from old houses & available for sale should you find the need to buy an entire study, confessional, baptismal font or front porch.  There were so many amazing things….welcome to the inner workings of my mind–you can see what I find interesting, beautiful & just plain too odd not to photograph for sharing with the world.
stained glass windows

stained glass windows

sparkly beveled glass

sparkly beveled glass

gothic chic

gothic chic

random Jesus

random Jesus

fancy front porch

fancy front porch

old time rocketship

old time rocketship

my throne!

my throne!

I loved this store so much! There were so many more things & I can’t wait to investigate a few more stores in Minneapolis.  I think it’s great that all this fantastic (and odd) old stuff is being refinished, refurbished & given new life.  There is so much we fail to appreciate from the past….seeing these get a second life gives me a hint of faith that our disposable society can find value in our past.

 
 

Holding Me

29 May

My desire to travel, move around & explore this country is growing.  I can feel the wanderlust taking over a little more every day.  This of course makes it harder to get up & go about my daily routine of work & home.  I feel this hunger for adventure: new sights, sounds, tastes & smells. To use my senses again & feel myself fill with some unknown essence I feel that I’m lacking recently.  My lungs feel cramped, not quite expanding when I inhale the sameness of my current life.

When we moved to northern Minnesota in 2005 (Halloween weekend to be exact) it was because there were no more ties to the city life.  I was unemployed (again–victim to a 2nd company being reorganized) with little desire to change that.  Hubby had a great job & so he commuted to the Cities.  For 2 long years he would leave me early on Monday morning & come home Friday afternoon.  I hated every moment of it…we are a couple very used to spending a lot of time together.  It’s not uncommon for us to text each other several times a day with the minutiae we just need to share.  We can also spend days in the house without really saying much just moving together in a well-oiled routine.  This pas de deux is second nature & we take it wherever we go….if we visit you it’ll be apparent in our every movement, comment & look.

Moving to our little community created new ties & strengthened some old ones.  We got to spend time more time with Hubby’s dad & stepmom.  We found a church we enjoyed attending–for the people as much as anything.  New friends were made & I was able to introduce Hubby to some friends I made long ago.  As we adjusted to living in a small town we changed our habits.  Once a week trips to “town” to get groceries, shopping in the small local market in between, doing our best to spend our money in the local businesses.  Our money followed us (what little there is) and so we bank with the local bank, I work for the adjacent insurance agency.

Now with employment opportunities being virtually nonexistent for Hubby, my need to find fulfillment in some type of job and the fading of other roots we were content to put down I’m wondering what is holding me to my life. I’ve been mulling this over in the back of my mind for some time but today I actually asked the question out loud as we left Sioux Falls.  Hubby answered that he wasn’t at all sure.  I can think of only one real solid tie that is left there.

We have been so blessed over the last few years to grow into a wonderful relationship & friendship with Hubby’s brother Pete & family.  We have done so many fun things & been privileged to watch their boys grow.  It is something we enjoy very much and our delight is matched every time we see the sunshine smiles of the boys when they see us.  If we were to ever make the decision to move it would be made much harder knowing we’d most likely be leaving that closeness behind.  The shared meals, trips to Duluth, hiking through our favorite state parks at a moment’s notice, movies and all the other random things we are able to do whenever the mood strikes.  Of course we’d be able to visit & make plans to do that stuff but it would lose something in the planning.  Having the ability to call Anne & set up a quick girls only trip to the local Maurices is something I usually enjoy.  It’s been so nice having a sister when mine live too far away to do those things.

Right now everything seems to be suspended in mid-air & I’m waiting for the crash I sense is in the offing.  Not being a person who handles the unknown or surprises well I find myself holding my breath.  Can the tie I feel continue to hold me or will it snap–

 
 

Suffocation….No Breathing

08 May

Lately I feel like I’m suffocating.  Life feels like this big heavy weight pressing all the oxygen out of me.  One of the only times it seems my lungs are working & my heart is still beating is when I’ve got words flowing onto the page (or screen as the case may be).  When I hit the groove in my writing it’s like my fingers & brain are one entity.  I don’t even really control my fingers so much as they move of their own free will…seeking out the correct keys without any conscious thought on my part.

Work is an entirely different story.  At my desk I feel trapped; crushed into my chair like I’m holding the mass of the building on my lap.  Everything seems to move as if I’m underwater…or rather like I’m trapped in a sea of dark molasses, being drawn inexorably toward the center of a whirlpool where I will be sucked down into a life of drudgery.  It’s not like I have a demanding job or anything (and I don’t want a “demanding” job but rather a job the utilizes the brains & talents I do posess).  Sitting at my desk it’s like I’m watching myself die from the outside.  It makes me sad because I had such big dreams when I graduated high school.

I don’t regret where my life has led to this point.  Everything I have experienced has shaped the woman I am….and for the most part I’m good with that.  There are things I want to change & I am working on that.  It’s all I can do, looking back with regret will not change the present or the future.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to take some risks…to step out in faith with the knowledge that I can always go back to what is “safe”.

Of course knowing that I need to take some risks & actually doing it are two very different things.  I am not a risk taker by nature.  I prefer the safe, comfortable haven of home.  I like my routine for the most part.  Knowing that I can walk into the bakery, winery, gas station & the folks working will know me by name.  They will ask about Hubby’s job search, the dogs, and what is new with me.  We will chat about the weather, the upcoming tourist season & local gossip.  It’s what I grew up with to a large extent (although in a different town) so it is as familiar to me as anything.

Right now though I need to find a way to feel like I’m getting enough oxygen.  I don’t want to live another day feeling like I”m suffocating….I don’t know how I will go about it but the die is cast.  Something must give or I shall lose myself in the overwhelming flood of being unremarkable to myself.  If others find good things in me I will be happy…if I can find good (remarkable, amazing, fascinating, worthy) qualities in my I can be content and that is a task I must now live to the fullest.

 
 

A Quick News Bulletin

22 Apr

The big news this week is that after months of waiting to hear about the numerous job applications Hubby finally has an interview.  Next week he’s got his second job interview (first one went really well….they never called back) in over a year.  We are hopeful that this is the start of something good on the employment front.

 
 

Soft Spring Days

09 Apr

At last I can see the end of winter on the horizon.  After last week’s freak blizzard (it’s always a freak blizzard in MN unless it happens between Nov 1 & March 31…we don’t want to admit that snow at any time of year is perfectly reasonable) I was starting to think maybe it would never be warm here again.  My very soul seemed encased in the thick white of a Minnesota winter.  So much darkness is hard to fight no matter how hard you try.  Carrying the weight of the world is a task I am not equal to (although that didn’t seem to stop me from attempting to do so fairly often).

With everything that transpired over the last year, and most of it bad…(if you want to know ask or read the archives here as I talked about most of it.) I had high hopes for 2009.  So far things have not improved in the areas where we needed to see it most.  The job search has become even more difficult and moving is not an option based solely on the cost associated with a relocation.  There would also be the need to find employment for me and while I long, yearn, pine for greener pastures in that department I must content myself for now.  We’ve had some good starts toward jobs but with so many people desperate for work it’s a battle we have not yet come close to winning.  Right now he has an application in to be a civilian deckhand for the Army Corps of Engineers in Duluth.  We shall see what happens there (hopefully his experience tying & casting moorings from the Navy days will count for something).  My hope for the year is returning (well my personal hopes at least).

Slowly the days are lengthening here in northern Minnesota.  The trees seem sprightlier & I can see my yard.  (Of course looking at the yard reminds me I need to do a lot of work before I’m ready for the long heady days of summer.) The light lingers more in the west now & as night comes it creeps easily across the tall line of pines that guard my borders.  The boughs make softer sighing sounds, more lulling for the descent into dusk where the calls of geese, ducks and other water fowl echo.  Even the morning frost is not a headache when I run for the Jeep, 5 minutes late as always.  A few swipes with the wipers & some washer fluid clear it enough so I can take off on that mile trek to the front desk.

Night time is more pleasant if still quite cool. A light frost covers the lawn which is still fawn brown.  The moon has been high & clear and the scent on the air is that of late fall.  The smell of leaves long dead, their ghosts still waft in the air and rustle past my ankles as I stand for just a second on the driveway.  I can feel it in my bones though that the soft spring days that will renew my roses, hostas & lilies are inching, creeping, scratching their way back to me.

 
 

I Want This Notarized

06 Apr

I was in the middle of helping a customer with a payment when my nose twitched.  It wasn’t the cute Bewitched twitch, nor was it a sneeze sort of twitch.  This twitch is the one I dread more than any other–the “there is a very smelly person in the office & now I’m going to have to smile at him without breathing” twitch.

Sure enough as I glanced up & surreptitiously past the current customer I could see the source of the stench.  Our most paranoid customer (seriously this dude makes anybody who thinks they are members of the Tinfoil Hat Society look like sane, upstanding members of the world) was standing nervously by the door. Picture a man somewhere between 50 & 175, about 6 feet tall dressed like a homeless lumberjack.

His hair is in long, grey dreadlocks that haven’t been washed since before I was born…he hasn’t bathed in that long either I suspect.  Winter or summer he wears a minimum of 3 shirts each caked in decades of grime, sweat and stench.  In fact sometimes it sounds like he’s also got paper of some kind stashed between the layers of filth.  My guess is it is probably cash since I’ve heard him rant about how the banks are trying to steal his money (News flash guy–the banks are trying to steal money from all of us).

My customer leaves (much to my dismay) and Mr. Stenchy Stencherson we’ll call him strode to the counter.  He waved a sheaf of papers in my face, wafting his tantalizing? (okay gag-reflex inducing) natural odor into my face.  Seriously this is toxic stuff…bottle it & drop it on our enemies.  It will knock them out & we won’t even have to use chemical agents.

Anyway, being the consummate professional I am (no matter how much I might dislike this particular office & job right now I do my best to smile & greet the customers cheerfully.  I smile when I answer the phone too.) I smiled very pleasantly at Mr. Stency Stencherson, “What can I help you with today”?  The papers were pushed at me & I struggled a bit to control them before I was able to tell what they were.  As I looked at the papers his unused voice scratched my ears, “I want this notarized too.”

I glanced up to see copies of his payment spread out on the counter.  “I’m sorry, what do you need”? I smile again holding my breath as best I can.  Louder & more quarrelsome he jabs the papers, “I want these notarized, I wanna make sure it shows I paid my bill”.  I call my boss over who brings the officious stamp.

After a few minutes of trying to understand why the man is insisting on having copies of his money order notarized, my boss manages to explain that unless there is a signature involved a notarization is unnecesssary.  “Well I don’t want that cheap receipt she’s writing out. It’ll fade & then I won’t have proof I paid anything if I have to sue them”, Mr. Stency Stencherson manages to croak out. “Oh, well I can stamp the copies with the date & write on them if you’d like”, hoping my breathless sounding voice isn’t readily apparent (and if it is he doesn’t get the idea I’m trying to flirt).

Finally, I manage to write out 3 receipts for the payment (all while trying to breathe through my ears), hand him the papers back & smile.  I continue to smile after his grunge encrusted hand brushes mine when he takes them from me & walks out the door.  I sit frozen in place at my desk for a good 5 minutes, smile plastered on my face like a Mardi Gras mask in case he comes back. Luckily for me it was lunch time so after spraying a crop duster sized amount of air freshener I left to go home where I could scrub myself with lye & bleach.

Don’t you envy me?  I know you want my job…come visit & I’ll train you in.

 
 

All These Things That I’ve Done

31 Mar

The last couple days while sitting at my desk I started thinking about all the jobs I’ve had.  There have been many across a wide range of fields.  From the time I was a teenager I’ve had a job in some way.  My first jobs were babysitting jobs naturally.  I was good at it (still am) and had a regular group of people who called on me often for my services.  During the summers I would often do a full-time nanny gig for a couple.

During high school I also worked part-time at the local grocery store, did home health care for a severely disabled girl at night so her parents could go to the casino, worked as a waitress in a cafe’ (mostly elderly people who wouldn’t tip more than a dollar….except my grandma–she was always good for a fiver or more even for coffee).

When I went to college I didn’t work during my first year.  I did secure a nanny job for 2 little girls that summer after freshman year though (it was an okay job but I lived in the ‘hood…drive-bys etc night & day.  Told my parents it wasn’t so bad because I didn’t want them to worry.  Small town farm girl comes to the big city).  I was a nanny for two other families in the course of my college career.  Of course I went to a private college so I had several other jobs as well.  I worked as a janitor cleaning the athletic building (the men’s soccer & football teams took great delight in creating disasters for me to clean up), I worked in admissions calling high school students who were interested in learning more about the college.

Then too there was the summer after my sophomore year…I worked as a line worker in a meat packing plant. That was an interesting if disgusting job…(No we didn’t slaughter the animals.  They came to us looking like proper food.) I mostly worked on packaging frozen hamburger patties on the evening shift (4-11:30 or so).  Mind-numbing work if you can get it.

Of course no mention of my job history would be complete without some mention of the many offices where I’ve worked.  I’ve been a temp in more places than I can remember.  In fact I have even worked myself out of a job by being too efficient & meticulous. (Only I could do this…my OCD & upbringing force me to work hard at whatever job I am given).

My first job out of college was working for a New Age/Health publishing company.  There is was introduced to Tai Chi, Qi Gong and many other things.  I quit there though when I discovered the owner (my boss) was having an affair & wanted me to lie for him.

After that I worked for a computer training company that taught classes for IT certification in Cisco CCNA, CCIE, Linux, routing/switching and much more. I learned a lot there…of course I remember none of it now since I didn’t use the knowledge.  I did get introduced to some interesting people because of that job…and it led to my next office job.

I did just under a year at an online promotional items company.  I was the only employee & my job was to enter product information into the website database.  It wasn’t terribly exciting but I could show up in jeans, sweatshirt & baseball cap if I so chose.  And I chose to do that a lot!  Of course being a small business in a booming online world we didn’t last a year.  Soon it was on to a totally different office (one that required dress clothes) and a different field to study & embrace.

Working for a company that designs & sells eyeglass frames was a dream come true to this nerdy girl with the coke-bottle lenses.  Finally I got to learn about something I’ve had to wear most of my life (I had glasses at 5, bifocals in junior high, and back to super thick single-vision lenses now).  Not only did I get to watch new styles of frames emerge but I also got to be pretty good at helping people find the perfect pair of glasses.  One of the best things was all the fun frames I got for myself (free of charge…BOO-YAH!  I certainly miss that perk because I’m in desperate need of new ones right now).

Now I am working in insurance…I find some of the job interesting but mostly it’s just me shuffling papers around a desk & answering phone calls in a quiet, efficient manner (yes I said quiet. In fact people seem to love my phone voice). I know my job & do it by rote.  I get the feeling that something bigger is in store for me in the future though…another job, possibly another office.  I’m curious where I’ll end up next.

 
 

Nothing Challenging, Nothing Creative

04 Mar

I don’t like my job.  Wait I think that’s an understatement…right now I hate my job.  It’s sucking my will to live.  Getting up on days where I know I need to go to the office is depressing.  One reason is that it’s not even close to a challenge for me.  Sometimes I honestly think that my dog could be trained to do the job if only it didn’t have to answer the phone.  There is nothing but tedium waiting for me when I walk through the doors at 8 am.  My brain is mostly going to waste…all I do is answer the phone, take payments & type form letters.  Nothing challenging, nothing creative.

Every second I sit in that chair in front I feel suffocated.  Every move I make, every task is exactly the same as the day before.  I feel like an automaton…everything by rote, staring at my screen but seeing only the abyss.  I wonder where life went all screwy that I ended up here.  My job wasn’t supposed to be the administrative assistant to some small insurance agency.  I wanted to be a writer, adventurer, and historian.  Sort of Indiana Jones meets Jane Austen with better clothes.  My job was supposed to take me across the country & around the world….

I need a change….a new direction, a new lease on my work life.  Now if only I didn’t need my job so we could survive…

 
 
 
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