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Dream Vacation (& Job)

20 Dec

A couple months ago I wrote my first ever album review for Shadow Gallery’s “Digital Ghosts”. It is an album I truly enjoy listening to & it seems I discover something new every time I listen. Going to see SG in concert would be a great thing…too bad they don’t perform live. Well that is until this past week when Shadow Gallery announced their first ever concert coming in the spring of 2010.

This concert is HUGE news. For such a great band (with 6 rocking albums) they have never toured etc. Of course like everything else about Shadow Gallery their debut is going to be done with style! They are going to be among the groups performing on the first ever Triton Power Cruise. Without elaborating too much (go check out Shadow Gallery’s website etc for all the juicy details) the band is going to perform on a cruise to the Bahamas. Now that is debuting with a bang!

By now of course you are all wondering what I’m on about…great, some band she likes is giving a concert in the Bahamas. Well hearing that little bit of news sent me on a flight of fancy. Since I’m currently unemployed (and have no real plans to get a job after the move…I’m burned out from my last job & with being pregnant won’t work that long anyway) I have the time to go on this cruise. Living in the nice “warm” section of the country that I do a nice vacation to the tropics sounds like a great way to kick off my spring/summer. Not to mention that I dream of traveling & writing so this would certainly give me the opportunity to do both. Of course I don’t really have the resources to head off on a fabulous musical cruise (*hums* I am the very model of a modern major general….) so that puts me at a distinct disadvantage. However, I have a plan that could solve this little snag.

If just one (or several) groups got together to pay my way I’d happily write an article on the cruise line, cruise ship, concerts, activities and anything else pertinent to the trip. All I’d need is round trip airfare (for two…can’t go without Hubby to help me. I mean after all I’d be almost 7 months pregnant), hotel in Miami for 2 nights, the cost of the cruise (this includes all my meals & the concerts) and that’s it. I’d of course pay for any souvenirs etc.

Then after spending a few days soaking up the sun & music I’d write a review of the Shadow Gallery concert (and all the other concerts too if necessary), along with any other articles/reviews that I owed my benefactors for the trip. Sounds like a good plan right? I mean it’s a win/win situation. They get a great article/review on the topic of their choice & I get a sun-drenched vacation to help me relax before the baby arrives. Now if only I could find the party(ies) willing to pony up the dough. (Any good suggestions on how I can accomplish this may be entertained.) It could be just what I need to get a new career/job off & running.

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Posted in Music, Books, Movies etc, Work/Job Stuff

Empathy

17 Jul

Empathy: em·pa·thy Pronunciation: \?em-p?-th?\ Function: noun

Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empath?s emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion — more at pathos

Date: 1850

With all the emotions that have churned up lately I’ve been on a less than even keel. (I know you’re shocked by that as I”m sure you couldn’t tell from all the crazy that’s been bleeding out around here…)

It’s been a down couple of days for me again. There are a few obvious reasons (cold cloudy weather fit for late October, PMS, exhausted (damn gallbladder), stress (damn job) & of course general life. I also have been contemplating a less apparent but no less real reason for my emotional turmoil.

I’ve always been emotionally volatile. No matter how much I may try to close off that part of me it never lasts long… I talk a pretty tough with myself at times. “Brush it off”, I’ll scold myself. “It’s no big deal”, I’ll tell my reflection when I feel some depression or giddiness setting in. And I do get giddy…it just may not be as apparent as teh depressed/sad/blue/cryinginthebeer times. Maybe it’s due to me finding the joyful times more natural. I want to feel that joyful, heart-swelling emotion & I loathe the dark, sinking in the mattress emotion.

Not that I’m a Pollyanna–far from it! I’m naturally pessimistic; just in a sort of jovial way. I’m the one who ALWAYS looks the gift horse in the mouth. Usually someone is drinking my milkshake (pardon the obvious over-used cultural reference there).

So what’s all this have to do with empathy anyway? Well it sort of goes back to what I was saying about perspectives a few posts back. Lately I’ve been seeing everything through multiple perspectives…it’s how I view the world really. Not just through my own filter but I also try to look at it from others’ as well. I’ve really begun to think that all this emotional hurricane I’m caught in isn’t just coming from my own life.

Yes I’m manifesting the sadness, irritablity, anger, frustration, and weighed down feelings of depression but how could this massive tidal wave be generated by a single person? It’s becoming more clear to me that one person can’t produce the crushing weight I’ve felt these last months. However, one person, closely linked emotionally with other can…

For instance, I know that when Abe is upset, frustrated & feeling angry (I’m guessing…the man does not share his emotions in an open manner) about the lack of jobs; I will reflect those feelings even if my beginning mood is light & happy. I also know that when Mom is feeling that “sinking in the pit of the stomach” feeling I will also feel it. Often we’ll end up on the phone questioning each other–trying to figure out the source of that sinking feeling. Usually when this happens it bodes ill for someone to whom we are close. Not always in a total doom & gloom sense either…sometimes it just means a very inconvenient flat tire, a fall off a stepladder or a broken limb. Mom & I always breathe a deep sigh of relief when the crisis is recognized & nobody’s dead.

Yet this empathy that I display isn’t always negative. A couple weeks ago I was positively bouncing with glee at the prospect of Pete coming home to his family. Naturally I would be glad to see him…he’s my brother-in-law. My level of excitement was beyond that though–it came not only from me but also Abe (happy to hang out with his brother again), Anne (SO excited to be reunited with her husband); & Alec who literally bounced off walls & furniture in his eagerness for Dad to be home so they could play hide-n-seek. All that emotion seemed to channel straight into me. When Anne called crying & disappointed at an unforeseen delay I immediately felt her deep letdown. Hearing that disappointment made me want to cry too.

Funny (in an odd awkward kind of way — not haha kind of way) enough it’s not just those that I spend time with “in real life” but also my extended group of friends that I am close with through the wonder of the interwebz. If I happen to catch a blast of some emotion being felt strongly my spirit will reflect it in short order. I identify with emotions I’ve never experienced. The loss of a child causes me to grieve…no matter that I don’t have a child of my own. A birth, an engagement & job promotion & my spirit soars to join in the joy.

Now that I’ve recognized this empathy that I’m experiencing I need to find a way to deal with it. While I feel it’s a gift to identify with others & their emotions it tends to drown out ME. I need to create a way to show those I care about that I identify with them in their emotional state without letting it overcome what I am personally feeling. How I go about that I don’t know. I do know I can’t let go of the empathy…that would be doing a disservice to those who need to know that someone, somewhere understands what they feel in a given situation. While I can’t always articulate my empathy I can be there to hold a hand, provide a shoulder or ear, open my arms for a hug, let my tears give voice to grief or anger & my smile can share the joy. Now if only I could find a file cabinet for all this & sort it alphabetically into color-coded folders….that would sure help in dealing with it all.

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Posted in I AM, I should be in therapy, Musings, The Life We Lead, What's in my Head

Interference

22 May

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is interference. Specifically how we interfere in the lives of those around us. There are all kinds of reasons & excuses given for this: they asked for advice, I’ve been there, I care about what happens to the other person etc. Many times these are legitimate reasons but what I’m talking about is when a comment, suggestion or action is taken without encouragement from the party on the receiving end of the interference. (And I’m not speaking about life-threatening situations. That’s an entirely different topic of conversation. I’m talking about putting your 2 cents in on a struggle or problem that is a “normal” part of life.)

There are a couple of events that have led me down this train of thought. One is from personal experience & the other is from someone who is very close to me. Because of the delicate nature of these things I’m going to speak in quite general terms as I’m not out to cause hurt feelings or more drama in anybody’s life.

It is always surprising (even when it shouldn’t be) how people are willing to take a partial story & respond with advice. Even though I do it too at times (don’t we all) I do try to rein in that impulse as much as possible. Of course I don’t always succeed but I do try my best. Still I wonder if people realize how hurtful this “help” can be. On the one hand there’s this feeling of being helpful, concerned & looking out for what’s best for someone you know (and supposedly care for). On the opposite side there’s this presumption that you know all the pertinent facts so that your words are germane to the situation. No matter how gentle & genuine you may be there’s a good chance your words may cause pain & even seem presumptuous to the person who receives them.

Another thing that just irks me beyond reason is the “we’re friends but I’m going to tell you everything that’s wrong with your life” email. Why in the world do people think this will ever work? I’m not talking about sending an email saying you are concerned because your friend is a drunk (by the way you shouldn’t send that in an email either…step up & say it in person or shut the heck up!) and you’ve seen them driving 100 mph down the gravel road at midnight. I’m talking about the email where every little nitpicky human flaw (both real & imagined) is detailed to such an extent you begin to wonder if you shouldn’t just go live in a wilderness cave rather than subject humanity to one more second of your presence. I’ve received a few of these in my life…none of them were pleasant & some of them did so much damage that a relationship either ended or was no longer able to hold anything but a vague semblance of stilted acquaintanceship.

Both of these events can be mind-boggling to the recipient. Suddenly you are blindsided by someone you trust who has this often bold statement to make about your life & how you live it. Everybody has an opinion & I can accept that….along with constructive well-informed criticism. What I struggle with mightily is the advice that comes from a well-intentioned but under or misinformed place. How is it possible to see part of the picture & then fill in the rest with your own experiences? I try very hard to avoid this pitfall (whether I always succeed is another matter but I do try) as I know the injury it can cause & how hard getting past it can be.

I’m baffled by the manner in which people feel they can point out things in someone else’s life. Many times it’s obvious or seeminly obvious. One thing Hubby has heard over the course of the last 17 months is how he needs to find a job. Oh really?! ‘cuz he was totally unaware of that…he’s the one who is unemployed. Thank you Captain Obvious for that oh so helpful observation. It drives me n v t s nuts that people think Hubby just lies on the couch all day. No he hasn’t had a “job”. Rather he’s worked hard at his own business, perfected some new skills, taken care of the dogs, the house & supported me in my work. It’s been hard to have no job but he’s done a good job taking care of what he can: our dishes, our laundry and all the other things that need to be done in a home. I’m so grateful & happy that he is able & willing to do all that for me. The same goes for any man who’s currently going through staying at home due to employment challenges. Ok so maybe the man of the house isn’t “working” but if he’s out taking care of the yard, catching fish to feed his family or watching the kids so his woman can work then he’s doing a hell of a lot of stuff in his day.

I don’t really know how to respond to the other–the partially informed advice based on a “similar” situation that isn’t at all similar. The words were given in genuine desire to be helpful & that’s appreciated to a point. However, now there’s this feeling of needing to justify my actions (which is silly because I certainly do not owe anybody an explanation). I guess I’m feeling that after having already explained as much of the situation as was necessary I feel hurt & irritated to be questioned again.

I’ve been mulling this over all week, talked to Hubby about it & have tried to express my thoughts on the matter…yet I feel unresolved at best. Maybe it’s not really meant to be resolved….maybe I’m over-analyzing everything (ok that couldn’t be it….I NEVER do that…) or maybe I’m just in need of putting it all out here for people to read & reflect on their own lives. In any case I’m going to let it rest for now. Only I can know my true heart & follow what is true for me & my life. We each walk our own path. Where that path will lead we are not meant to know (anybody who knows me will realize how much THAT bugs me….this girl likes to see what’s coming. Surprises are not a fun part of life for me.) and it is following the path that is life. (Wow, philosophical here at the end…hmm wonder what that’s about.)

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Posted in Musings, The Life We Lead

Suffocation….No Breathing

08 May

Lately I feel like I’m suffocating. Life feels like this big heavy weight pressing all the oxygen out of me. One of the only times it seems my lungs are working & my heart is still beating is when I’ve got words flowing onto the page (or screen as the case may be). When I hit the groove in my writing it’s like my fingers & brain are one entity. I don’t even really control my fingers so much as they move of their own free will…seeking out the correct keys without any conscious thought on my part.

Work is an entirely different story. At my desk I feel trapped; crushed into my chair like I’m holding the mass of the building on my lap. Everything seems to move as if I’m underwater…or rather like I’m trapped in a sea of dark molasses, being drawn inexorably toward the center of a whirlpool where I will be sucked down into a life of drudgery. It’s not like I have a demanding job or anything (and I don’t want a “demanding” job but rather a job the utilizes the brains & talents I do posess). Sitting at my desk it’s like I’m watching myself die from the outside. It makes me sad because I had such big dreams when I graduated high school.

I don’t regret where my life has led to this point. Everything I have experienced has shaped the woman I am….and for the most part I’m good with that. There are things I want to change & I am working on that. It’s all I can do, looking back with regret will not change the present or the future. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to take some risks…to step out in faith with the knowledge that I can always go back to what is “safe”.

Of course knowing that I need to take some risks & actually doing it are two very different things. I am not a risk taker by nature. I prefer the safe, comfortable haven of home. I like my routine for the most part. Knowing that I can walk into the bakery, winery, gas station & the folks working will know me by name. They will ask about Hubby’s job search, the dogs, and what is new with me. We will chat about the weather, the upcoming tourist season & local gossip. It’s what I grew up with to a large extent (although in a different town) so it is as familiar to me as anything.

Right now though I need to find a way to feel like I’m getting enough oxygen. I don’t want to live another day feeling like I”m suffocating….I don’t know how I will go about it but the die is cast. Something must give or I shall lose myself in the overwhelming flood of being unremarkable to myself. If others find good things in me I will be happy…if I can find good (remarkable, amazing, fascinating, worthy) qualities in my I can be content and that is a task I must now live to the fullest.

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Posted in I should be in therapy, The Life We Lead, What's in my Head

Poet?

05 Apr

I’ve decided that not only do I need to keep writing on here but that I also need to work on writing poetry. Poetry has always been my first love in writing. During college I wrote a lot of what was most likely terrible poetry. I stopped writing for years and have only started writing again in the last year. Now I’m finding that I have more to say than I realized and straight prose is not covering it all.

Thanks for letting me indulge my obsession with words by reading all this. My poetry attempts may be unpolished at best but I intend to keep working, polishing & hopefully getting feedback from some people I’ve come to respect for their own writing.

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Posted in Poetry, Uncategorized, What's in my Head

CSS…Crap Someone Save (me)

11 Mar

Well I’ve had the new website for nearly a week. I did manage to narrow my theme choices down to three…well 2 but one may be too “masculine” for me. I’m still looking at my options. The one theme that I’m using right now I like the look of but do not like the colors. Therefore I am looking to learn & understand CSS so that I may change the colors while keeping the design intact.

Right now I am more than stuck. Per usual I’ve bitten off more than I can chew….I am always doing that. Some idea pops into my mind & I grab it and run. Whether this works out or not I have no idea. Sometimes I’m optimistic but more often than not I’m certain this is headed straight for disaster.

If you want to check on what the new blog looks like visit http://nil17.com from time to time to see if there is any progress. I won’t be posting here very often as I still have to figure out how to move this whole thing at some point & I”m pretty sure increasing the size will be a thing I come to regret.

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Posted in My Comptuer & Me, What's in my Head

An Official Announcement

07 Mar

Friday was the day…I went ahead & purchased my own domain & hosting package. As of 11 o’clock yesterday morning I became the proud owner of http://nil17.com. Excitement rushed through me as I made the commitment to see where this blog thing will take me. Then I left the office to get my hair done.

Last night I struggled, freaked out, got angry, got depressed, felt stupid & still managed to work out enough to make it into a live if completely blank page. Now all I have to do is choose a theme, customize it, move everything from here to there.

I have managed to narrow down my theme choices so that part is getting closer to finished. (Ooops, completely forgot that I need a title to my blog… “Something Creative” is working okay but I’m noticing that people are searching for different things on Google with “something creative…” in the terms & ending up here. I’m pretty sure the “something creative for bedroom” searcher was wildly disappointed!)

So far I’m getting some great help, advice & encouragement from a bunch of my Twitterati. It is much appreciated. Being the neurotic, self-doubting girl I am not being able to just read the directions & make the whole thing work drives me mad. I’m hanging on though…for now!

This site will remain up & running indefinitely as I want the new site to be in perfect working order before I show you around the new place. I’ll keep you up to date as much as I can w/o ruining the surprise of what the new digs will look like.

*This concludes the official announcement. You may go back to your regularly scheduled lives….I shall go back to freaking out*

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Posted in My Comptuer & Me, Oh WOW!, What's in my Head

Making a Move

04 Mar

Not a literal move but a virtual move. I’m thinking about taking the blog to a new site. I haven’t made any final decisions as of yet. I’m weighing my options & consulting with some people who have their own blogs.

I’m thinking of the move so that I have more flexibility with my design & also more storage space for pictures.

One of my problems is what the new address should be. I’m open to suggestions. Right now I’m thinking about www.nil17.com.

Please let me know what you think.

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Posted in My Comptuer & Me

25 things….

07 Feb

I have been struggling with the 25 things meme that has been racing around the internet lately. At first it was that I couldn’t think of 25, then that nothing I could think of was interesting. However the more I’ve thought about it the more attractive the idea became. Why? Not necessarily so that you my dear readers would know me better but so that I may know myself. Here are my “25 things”

1. I became a born-again Christian at age 5 after reading a scary Halloween tract behind my dad’s recliner.

2. Reading is my favorite thing in all the world.

3. Photography is something I enjoy.

4. I am the oldest of 8. My youngest sibling is 13.

5. My husband & I met in a Yahoo! chat room.

6. I can’t really ride a bike.

7. I am terrified of water & high bridges. My worst fear is being involved in a 35W bridge type collapse.

8. My husband is the most wonderful man…he is so patient & understanding. I do not always deserve him. My husband is a constant source of strength…he amazes me daily.

9. My mom is my best girl friend. We talk nearly every day….sometimes more than once.

10. I have a weird obsession with even numbers.

11. I’ve never had any filings.

12. I seem to be outgoing….I’m covering up for the fact I’m afraid people won’t/don’t like me.

13. I am a terrible housekeeper.

14. Someday I’d like to own a horse, a sailboat & a motorcycle.

15. I cry at everything. Happy, sad, angry = tears

16. Spelling errors & bad grammar truly bother me. I don’t expect perfection but at least try.

17. I’ve always wanted to be a mom….I pray someday I will be.

18. I have trouble controlling my temper.

19. Laughing is one of my favorite things.

20. My 1st memory is of my mom crying because she dislocated her thumb. I was 6 months old.

21. I grew up on a farm.

22. I love music..any kind.

23. Dancing is fun. I used to think I was good…then I saw my siblings dance….I’m not that good.

24. I have some strange OCD things that I work very hard to hide most of the time. Please don’t make me eat M&Ms in front of people. It’s embarrassing for me & makes others want to lock me up. If if must eat them please only give them to me in even numbers.

25. My dream has always been to be a writer. I love to tell stories I’m just not sure how to start a book.

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Posted in I AM, What's in my Head

The Arsenal of Impossibility

16 Oct

I’ve decided that I should become an evil genius with designs on world domination. Of course I’m not looking to walk in the footsteps of the “Axis of Evil” by any means. I’ve decided that this bid for ultimate power will be hallmarked by unusual, impossible WMD’s.

My brother TJ gave me the idea when we discussed the proliferation of people with miniaturized natural wonders lingering in their backyards. He said that the next logical step would be to make miniature natural disasters. This discussion gave birth to the idea of a pocket-quake. A small, pocket-sized earthquake that could be placed anywhere you might want to cause small scale devastation. For example, the neighbors dog keeps coming over into your yard to do its business. Place a small pocket-quake in the dog’s favorite spot & set it off at the right time. I guarantee the dog doesn’t come back.

My second weapon came about after a run-in with current women’s fashion. In shopping for dress pants I discovered that the current trend of wide leg pants allows for way more room that I really need for my ankles. I believe that I could hide ninja midget up each pant leg. Having a group of highly trained group of fighters & assassins is very important. Of course since I want to appear as harmless as possible what better place to keep a crack team of ninjas than up a pants leg. Plus there’s the benefit of a workout since carrying a group of ninja midgets would have to be great exercise.

I also decided that adding a Frisbee size sinkhole to my “arsenal of impossibility” would be advantageous. Imagine if you will the ways this could come in handy. Need to clear some land for redevelopment. Toss out a few sinkholes & let nature do the rest. Then just pick up the sinkhole a la Bugs Bunny & things are all cleaned up. Have an enemy you are stalking but have been unable to catch? Toss a sinkhole in front of them on the street & just like that they are your captive. Pick up the sinkhole & stroll back to your secret hideout.

Of course with the ability to wreck small scale destruction an evil genius also needs the ability to hide the destruction. What better way to manage this than with the microscopic black holes created with the Large Hadron supercollider at CERN. It’s the perfect solution for both parties. CERN wouldn’t have to worry about what to do with the black holes they are creating in the Large Hadron supercollider & I would have a way to clean up my crimes. Done with torturing a spy? Flick a black hole at the spy & poof mess cleaned up. Need to clean your lair but too busy planning your next evil deed? Flick some microscopic black holes at the worst of the mess & it’s gone.

Now I know that some of my readers are going to think I’ve finally gone completely around the bend. That’s okay. As an evil genius insanity is a requirement. Besides, I have a weapon with your name on it….

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Posted in What's in my Head

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