Something Creative » grief

Notes Upon the Death of Your Grandmother : A Reply

Nil17 — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 20:05:26 +0000

Melville,

You honor me with the shared memories of your Nanny. My tears are not only for the grandmothers who aren’t with us but also for the strength & love they bestowed upon us – may we be worthy of carrying it forward.

Grandma was many things: hard working, funny, no nonsense and loving are but a few. She wasn’t an emotional person…I only saw her cry a few times. The funerals of her brothers & my grandpa’s funeral. She could be cantankerous & didn’t deal well with “the old bitch upstairs” who always seemed to make a racket. Grandma couldn’t hear you if you stood next to her but if the resident in the upstairs apartment broke wind Grandma would complain about the noise it made.

I learned the value of taking time in my day for myself-to lie down and rest, to read a book & nap. I wish I had learned her secret to the best pie ever…maybe I have time to learn yet. (These were noted by my cousin at the funeral & I am borrowing her words as they speak perfectly for me.) One thing I will always carry is her love of flowers. On the farm flowers bloomed all summer. There were irises, tulips and pansies. Pansies are my favorite…Grandpa never let me leave the farm without a bunch wrapped in a damp paper towel to keep the fresh ‘til I got home.

Grandma loved to gamble…she played the scratch offs & visited the casino to play the nickel slots. I am not a gambler…not only in the traditional sense but in general. I tend to play it safe. Another lesson I should take to heart before it is too late…sometimes a little gambling is good for you.

Today was the perfect day to say goodbye. The sky was a perfect spring blue & the sun shone down watery & chill on the prairie. It was windy, whipping up my skirt as I stood there with my husband & our son. Her urn was small & blue. It looked lonely perched next to the headstone that already bears Grandpa’s name. Since she was nearly a Groundhog baby (her birthday was Feb 1) being buried on April Fool’s Day would have delighted her. I don’t know what I want at my grave…I do know that I want my children to know how much love I have for them. Your idea of a lovely tall tree with riotous autumn colors sounds nice. No black ash it is…they are much nicer when skilled hands have sawed & sanded, trimmed & tacked them into a beautiful piece of furniture.

Whether there is only one truth or many matters not when a brother turns against you. His loss for cutting a piece of love from his life. There is too much grief that comes from the world at large…the wars, hunger & disease that results are growing every day and you’ve expressed it more eloquently than I can right now…

Thank you for your words & for sharing my loss across the distances that sometimes separate friends.

Warmest regards,
Hawthorne

Author’s note: to read Melville’s letter go here

Family Bonds

Nil17 — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:08:27 +0000

Life has an odd way about it. The threads that weave our existence are varied in color & texture yet there are so many similarities among us. The foundations of our experiences my happen at different stages but celebration, mourning & the emotions that come with them are universal. Family (in its many forms) is one commonality with which we all deal. You’re probably wondering what brought all this on…the short answer is death. The long answer is seeing two people whom I know (one is a cousin, the other is a friend on Twitter) deal with the loss of family members over the past two weeks. My cousin lost her husband; my friend a sister. Two vastly different situations on the surface yet I see this faint connection in family bonds (or lack thereof). My cousin had a hard life growing up. I won’t go into details but I will say that she lost her mom when she was in her early teens. For reasons that are complex she & her younger sister moved in with my family. As you can imagine there was plenty of conflict. The extended family has issues aplenty as well so that didn’t help the situation. My cousin is now in her 20s, a mom of two beautiful children & going to school. She built a life (and family) for herself where she feels secure. That security was badly damaged recently when her husband died last week. It was a sudden loss; one that wasn’t exactly expected though we all knew it was possible (her husband had sickle-cell anemia). As I kept up with my cousin via Facebook I saw an outpouring of love from people I don’t know but who obviously care deeply for my cousin. Family (blood relatives—uncles, aunts, cousins) also expressed their sympathies for the loss. Several of them expressed their intent to attend the funeral as a show of support. However, there was a pre-planned family weekend…all the aunts & uncles were getting together. Since this weekend had been planned for a year suddenly nobody was free to attend the funeral. I can’t begin to express my irritation at that attitude. Yes, there has been plenty of turmoil & whatnot. Still how much would really have been missed by taking a couple hours out of a weekend to support a niece in the middle of a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching tragedy? While I was hearing/seeing this play out in my family I also listened to a friend on Twitter as she grieved the loss of a sister. Again in this instance family turmoil (to put it mildly) is making a time of sorrow that much more difficult. Rather than rehashing my friend’s tale in my own poor words I encourage you to go here & read what she has to say. The point of my post is that family bonds are what we make of them. Both my cousin & my friend have created their own families. When faced with the option of being part of dealing with blood relatives that are less than congenial or finding their own way they both chose the 2nd option. This has allowed them to surround themselves with a “family” of people who may or may not be related by blood but are definitely related by love. Not only have they created a family structure that fits their needs but they value themselves enough to know it is necessary. What family bonds do you cultivate? What family bonds have you replaced? For me I cultivate the bonds with my immediate family & Abe’s family. I have added in people who are like sisters. There are some bonds—like those of my grandparents who are no longer living that can never be replaced.

I Just Don’t Even Know Where to Begin

Nil17 — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:47:00 +0000

Since I truly don’t know where to begin with everything I am just going to let my fingers walk across these keys & see what comes out….No forethought (a big thing for me…I like to know what direction I’m headed. I don’t mind detours or the scenic route as long as the general destination is planned out) on writing this or if I’ll even publish it. My brain is a gooey mass right now. I’m sleep deprived after a bout of insomnia the last couple of nights like I haven’t had since before August. I am sitting here in “my” chair with the laptop on my new little mini desk (So helpful to have such a handy husband) and I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s been a quiet & relaxing day…a little grocery shopping this morning followed by a leisurely breakfast & a movie. Hung my down comforter on the line today to soak up some sun…am looking forward to snuggling under it and smelling the scents of autumn. We’ve had such beautiful sunny weather this last week. In fact it was quite a bit warmer than most or our summer. Still the grass isn’t the verdant green of summer & the leaves are well into their spectacular fiery death spasm. The next few weeks will show more color gradually emerging & then one morning I will wake to find thick white frost covering my lawn & a blazing Crayola forest around me. While I revel in the dog days of summer this year I’m looking forward to it’s demise. Being over half way through 2009 I can honestly say that it has held both some of the greatest & some of the lowest moments in my life. I know that in years to come the great memories will take on that golden sheen of a sun-dappled oak—something to be brought out & relived in the quiet moments when I need a smile. Right now the low moments hold sway…I’m battling something I’ve never faced before & feel completely out of my depth. I know part of it is being sick & having no answers as to feeling truly better. All I have are some ideas to get by with & the knowledge that according to the doctors there’s “nothing really wrong” with me. It is beyond frustrating (and scary) to think of how sick I may have to be before they “fix” me. On top of that I’m dealing with some very personal issues. I’ve shared some of that on here already & some of it is kept personal for very good reasons. I’ve delved pretty deeply into some issues that needed (and still do to some extent) to be dealt with. Some of that writing has been available for everybody to read, some hasn’t (maybe never will) and some will be when I’ve polished the words to a high buff gloss. One big thing I have really examined is grief. There is a lot for me to sort out & I have released some of the deep grief I didn’t realize I was holding onto. Some of that grief will always remain….it is part of loving deeply & valuing those who touch our lives in meaningful ways. I will always miss them—Grandpa J, Grandma B, Chris, Justin—but I also learned from their lives & deaths. As for the other things….I’m dealing with why I value myself less than I should. I have a very difficult time seeing my good qualities & I need to change that. Accepting a compliment (when they do come my way) is not an easy thing for me. I’m more likely to brush it off with a self-deprecating remark than a simple, humble “Thank You”. Not only is it impolite (I was raised better than that) but it also devalues the person who gives the compliment…and that is not fair to them. (I am all about fair—I know “life isn’t fair” but it should be & if I can make it more so than I try to do just that.) There are more things but I’m keeping them to myself. I have been very blessed in the last couple months to receive an amazing amount of kindness, support & encouragement from a group of people that have graced me with their presence in my Twitter stream. I have some very dear friends that I met there. You may laugh behind your hand at me (or maybe to my face) but sitting in a hospital room at night is very lonely—I gained many new friends during those 5 days (thanks to the urging of a dear friend who insisted I needed cheering up) & find them to be delightful. All of us have our down days where our words don’t flow right or our paints feel lumpy & leaden on the canvas. When those days plod along there are many others who send words of encouragement & commiseration at the flighty nature of the Muse. It is like a far-flung artists colony where triumphs & frustrations are shared along the wild interwebz path. In this digital age it is easy to become isolated in your work, to feel the up & down of your craft alone. As a very dear friend reminded me this spring, authors (and painters, sculpters etc) used to write long letters sharing their lives, pushing each other to take risks & encouraging each other. While that era is long past for the most part (to our detriment in some ways) the magic of Twitter let’s us do it instantly & creatively in 140 characters or less. I guess I’m still on the fence about continuing my writing…while I do love the process in many ways I just don’t know if I can keep doing it. When i walked away from writing 10 years ago I did it without thinking about it…it just happened gradually. When I started this blog it was with intent…to chronicle my life so that someday my children (Dear God, ummm….I want kids & I’m not getting younger. Not that you don’t know but just a posty note reminder.) will be able to know me in a different way. I also wanted to be able to tell the stories of my life to anybody interested…if they find comfort, encouragement, laughter, joy, peace & love in some small measure than my words have done what I most want to do in this world. Lately writing has been my way of banishing some of my pain for a brief moment & I’ve come to wonder if I’m not just depressing the hell out of the 2 readers (I know there are in reality more of you & I adore you for reading! *mwah*) I have. Just because I want to sleep until further notice so as to avoid the random sobbing & other mood swings doesn’t mean I need to inflict it on y’all. Add to that the feeling that I’ve fallen into the pit of despair (ROFLMAO… I do so love “The Princess Bride”) and I so dislike this version of me (I’m always sarcastic, outspoken & snotty….I’m just a lot more mean than usual) that I look in the mirror less than normal (which anybody that knows me understands I’ve basically covered all reflective surfaces). I didn’t know I could loathe myself more than I did before…really a rather unpleasant surprise to find I was wrong. So I’m putting this out there—more for me to see if I feel that I should continue writing—because I’ve always wanted to be a writer…in fact I am a writer, it is whether or not I choose to actively write. There is much in me that cries out to be put on the page either as prose or as poetry—whether I am equal to that task remains in question.

Empathy

Nil17 — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:43:37 +0000

Empathy: em·pa·thy Pronunciation: \?em-p?-th?\ Function: noun

Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empath?s emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion — more at pathos

Date: 1850

With all the emotions that have churned up lately I’ve been on a less than even keel. (I know you’re shocked by that as I”m sure you couldn’t tell from all the crazy that’s been bleeding out around here…) It’s been a down couple of days for me again. There are a few obvious reasons (cold cloudy weather fit for late October, PMS, exhausted (damn gallbladder), stress (damn job) & of course general life. I also have been contemplating a less apparent but no less real reason for my emotional turmoil. I’ve always been emotionally volatile. No matter how much I may try to close off that part of me it never lasts long… I talk a pretty tough with myself at times. “Brush it off”, I’ll scold myself. “It’s no big deal”, I’ll tell my reflection when I feel some depression or giddiness setting in. And I do get giddy…it just may not be as apparent as teh depressed/sad/blue/cryinginthebeer times. Maybe it’s due to me finding the joyful times more natural. I want to feel that joyful, heart-swelling emotion & I loathe the dark, sinking in the mattress emotion. Not that I’m a Pollyanna—far from it! I’m naturally pessimistic; just in a sort of jovial way. I’m the one who ALWAYS looks the gift horse in the mouth. Usually someone is drinking my milkshake (pardon the obvious over-used cultural reference there). So what’s all this have to do with empathy anyway? Well it sort of goes back to what I was saying about perspectives a few posts back. Lately I’ve been seeing everything through multiple perspectives…it’s how I view the world really. Not just through my own filter but I also try to look at it from others’ as well. I’ve really begun to think that all this emotional hurricane I’m caught in isn’t just coming from my own life. Yes I’m manifesting the sadness, irritablity, anger, frustration, and weighed down feelings of depression but how could this massive tidal wave be generated by a single person? It’s becoming more clear to me that one person can’t produce the crushing weight I’ve felt these last months. However, one person, closely linked emotionally with other can… For instance, I know that when Abe is upset, frustrated & feeling angry (I’m guessing…the man does not share his emotions in an open manner) about the lack of jobs; I will reflect those feelings even if my beginning mood is light & happy. I also know that when Mom is feeling that “sinking in the pit of the stomach” feeling I will also feel it. Often we’ll end up on the phone questioning each other—trying to figure out the source of that sinking feeling. Usually when this happens it bodes ill for someone to whom we are close. Not always in a total doom & gloom sense either…sometimes it just means a very inconvenient flat tire, a fall off a stepladder or a broken limb. Mom & I always breathe a deep sigh of relief when the crisis is recognized & nobody’s dead. Yet this empathy that I display isn’t always negative. A couple weeks ago I was positively bouncing with glee at the prospect of Pete coming home to his family. Naturally I would be glad to see him…he’s my brother-in-law. My level of excitement was beyond that though—it came not only from me but also Abe (happy to hang out with his brother again), Anne (SO excited to be reunited with her husband); & Alec who literally bounced off walls & furniture in his eagerness for Dad to be home so they could play hide-n-seek. All that emotion seemed to channel straight into me. When Anne called crying & disappointed at an unforeseen delay I immediately felt her deep letdown. Hearing that disappointment made me want to cry too. Funny (in an odd awkward kind of way — not haha kind of way) enough it’s not just those that I spend time with “in real life” but also my extended group of friends that I am close with through the wonder of the interwebz. If I happen to catch a blast of some emotion being felt strongly my spirit will reflect it in short order. I identify with emotions I’ve never experienced. The loss of a child causes me to grieve…no matter that I don’t have a child of my own. A birth, an engagement & job promotion & my spirit soars to join in the joy. Now that I’ve recognized this empathy that I’m experiencing I need to find a way to deal with it. While I feel it’s a gift to identify with others & their emotions it tends to drown out ME. I need to create a way to show those I care about that I identify with them in their emotional state without letting it overcome what I am personally feeling. How I go about that I don’t know. I do know I can’t let go of the empathy…that would be doing a disservice to those who need to know that someone, somewhere understands what they feel in a given situation. While I can’t always articulate my empathy I can be there to hold a hand, provide a shoulder or ear, open my arms for a hug, let my tears give voice to grief or anger & my smile can share the joy. Now if only I could find a file cabinet for all this & sort it alphabetically into color-coded folders….that would sure help in dealing with it all.

One Year

Nil17 — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:15:33 +0000

Tomorrow June 8th will mark one year of being without a dear friend. It’s been a long year…and it was filled with the deepest sorrow & the greatest joy. I’m reflecting & wondering if I’ve taken anything with me over this last year. Have I “learned” anything? I’ll never forget the phone call…I wish I could. Learning that Chris was gone & had made the choice to do so by his own hand is something that will never leave me. Part of me (and everybody that knew & loved him) will always wonder if there was something we could have done, some sign we should have seen. Rather than dwelling on that which will never be answered in this life I want to focus on what we miss. Chris was his own person…crazy at times. He had a great sense of humor & we very much enjoyed when he’d visit us here in Minnesota. Our recent trip to Missouri was a little bittersweet as we hadn’t been down there since before he died. We had fun but it’s hard not to think of all the stuff we would have enjoyed just a little bit more if Chris would have been there. He is greatly missed & we were proud to know him. He had served his country too & we are poorer as a nation for having lost a man who took great pride in fulfilling his duty. A mere 5 days after losing Chris we suffered another loss—another friend & my sister-in-law’s brother—took his own life after a very difficult battle with mental illness. It’s another phone call I wish I could erase from my memory. Hearing my brother’s grief & shock over the phone is something I’ll never be able to forget. Justin was a man who loved his kids very much. He loved to spend time with family, golf & hunt along with many other things. It was & still is heartbreaking to know that he sincerely felt he had no way out of a terrible situation. Again Justin is greatly missed & our thoughts and prayers remain with his children every day…that they may grow to know all the good about their father & be spared the lasting effects of pain that his loss has caused. Of course we also experienced some blessed additions to our life. We gained a sister-in-law & are so happy to have her in our clan. It was wonderful to see A & A pledged themselves together so soon after the losses we experienced. Their joyful celebration helped us to move on & take the time to express joy in the midst of such tremendous sorrow. With their anniversary approaching I want to again wish them a long & happy life together. I know that you have both struggled during this first year—the jobs, the travel etc have been difficult—press on & hold tight to each other; this will see you through to brighter days. I can’t forget about the nephews that joined us….seeing them in their innocence is beyond anything words can express. It is a precious gift indeed to be able to watch them grow, hear them laugh & participate in their lives. We are very thankful that our lives allow us the time & energy to spend with them. What I wanted most to reflect on was did I gain anything from this past year….and while I might not always show it the answer is yes. I’ve reconnected with a friend after too many long years. It is a blessing to find her back in my life in the small ways we connect. Much has changed but the renewed & new aspects are added strength in my life. I have also made many new friends…some of them I’m still getting to know & others have become very dear to me in what seems like the blink of an eye. I have learned many new things & have dusted off some old dreams as a result. There are more days where I embrace living—something I am still working on & will for the rest of my days—yet I find there are more days where I find small moments to cherish. I continue to work at letting all those who hold a place in my life & heart know how much they mean to me. There will never be enough words for me to tell Hubby all that he means to me. The same goes for our families & close friends. I am beyond blessed to have some many who cheer me on, laugh with me, cry with me, encourage me & hold me up when the waves of life come rushing in faster than I can handle alone. It is a difficult thing for me to let others in. I want to hold those I care for most at arm’s length many times. I am ruled by my emotions (I know you’re so surprised) & there are times where the sheer joy or sorrow threaten to break my heart. Lately I have become even more aware of how important it is to grasp that with both fists. That for me is living to the fullest…every smile, laugh, tear & scowl are what comprise my life. To be so blessed with the additions of family & friends in one year has enriched & brightened the threads of my life.

10 Years: What Have We Learned?

Nil17 — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:41:23 +0000

Today when I opened my Internet Explorer (I was at work….we don’t get to use Firefox) and the MSN headline stared me in the face….10 years since Columbine. Seeing that headline zapped me instantly across time. I was in my 1st year out of college back then. I don’t remember where I was when I heard but I remember clearly the images from that day. I remember the shocked faces, grieving over the senseless violence that shattered our whole nation that day. I remember the talking heads on television and the drivel they spouted. Everyone looked for a reason in this madness. Promises were made that it wouldn’t happen again. Politicians proclaimed this was a serious event & solutions would be found so no child, parent, community would suffer this loss again. The nation made vows that such tragedy would not strike against us again. Of course it’s happened many times since then. Each incident another gash in our side, a tear in the fabric of our lives. We’ve seen it happen in Red Lake, Minnesota and again at Virginia Tech (and more places than I care to remember). Every time a piece of my heart broke too…How can you not look on such meaningless loss without being changed? Those aren’t the only things we’ve seen…We’ve lost our innocence in so many ways. Since that terrible day we’ve seen a terrorist attack that devastated us & sent us into war. We still remember…it is impossible to forget. Our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, friends and strangers are giving their lives on foreign soil every day. We should never forget…It’s is the supreme sacrifice we have asked of them. They have answered the call. Still we think it’s more important to fight over who is right & who is left. We have forgotten what it means to gather together, stand shoulder to shoulder & say in one voice…. WE THE PEOPLE. To hold our elected officials accountable to our voice. Instead the policitians have sold us out to the highest, sleaziest bidder. We bicker & lay blame rather than finding common ground. We tear ourselves apart & leave the carrion to be picked apart by our enemies. Where has our self-respect gone? Where has that hand extended in friendship? Must we be so stubborn that our children are lost in the hue & cry we make? We ignore our most precious asset, shove them aside, push the blame from our own homes onto society. I don’t have answers but I know something is lacking deep within us. Accountablity to ourselves, to others, to our children in the face of society so willing to point outward when assigning blame. I say examine deep within yourself….take this time to grab hold of what is dearest & best. Lay aside the pettiness because your neighbor voted for “the other guy” whoever that may be…let’s put the protection of our future at the forefront of our lives. Truly embrace the lessons we should have learned 10 years ago; see how much better our world will be.

Suicide

Nil17 — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:58:45 +0000

The following is from a note I posted on my facebook page. It sums up why I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. It’s also what’s consuming my thoughts lately so I’m bringing it over here. I promise to find something else to talk about soon. I don’t even know how to describe this past week. On Monday (June 9th) we received the news that a friend (more like extended family member) of ours had shot himself. As we tried to come to grips with the this tragic loss another phone call arrived today (June 13th). Another friend (extended family member) has also committed suicide. The double shock of these tragedies is unspeakable. One friend (Chris) was a veteran of 2 tours in the Iraqi war. He was only 24. A great guy who didn’t think he had any reason to stay around. The voices & struggles became too much to bear. He left behind family & friends who will never forget him. Chris playing pool at an Erickson family Christmas. The other friend (Justin) left behind a wife & 3 young children not to mention other family & friends. A husband, father, brother & friend who couldn’t deal with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He was only 30. Someone who had so much to stay around for & yet he couldn’t bring himself to stay. He will never be forgotten either. All of this makes me heartsick. How utterly senseless that this happened. Two young men who were without hope. If only they had felt that someone, anyone was there to listen. Justin toasting my brother Robert & his wife Jillian. God is there….but we need to be his voice sometimes. We need to show those around us (friends, family, acquaintances & perfect strangers) who may be feeling desperate & without hope. Our words & deeds may be what stands between someone’s attempt to end their life & a decision to reach out for help. Please pray for the families of these two men. The coming days, etc are going to be very difficult.