http://nil17.com Ruminations on my life... Sun, 25 Mar 2012 04:12:42 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://nil17.com/2011/03/eye-of-the-beholder/ http://nil17.com/2011/03/eye-of-the-beholder/#comments Fri, 04 Mar 2011 21:39:41 +0000 Nil17 http://nil17.com/?p=1636 I can’t think of a clever opening for this post today. I’m tired & feeling a bit sad. Most of that comes from lack of sleep & pregnancy hormones running rampant. I’m also feeling like a great blue whale & I probably look like some sort of crazy hippo. I’ve never been confident in my appearance…I worry about my hair (always straight & often flat), my skin & of course clothes. Generally I deal with my hair my pulling it into a ponytail or clip, my skin I treat gently & use minimal makeup & I try to wear flattering clothes both in style & color. Basically I’m a typical woman. Lately though I just don’t feel like I look attractive. When I walk past a mirror I see a woman in her mid-thirties (holy crap I’m 35!) with dark circles under her eyes, glasses that need to be replaced, a few skin blemishes & a Cheerio or two smooshed into whatever formerly clean t-shirt I chose for the day. It isn’t like I don’t try…I shower every day, brush my hair, get dressed in something besides sweatpants…I spritz on my favorite perfume… So what’s missing or has changed from even a few months ago? One is being pregnant…even though I haven’t gained any weight (it is still early days though) I feel rounder in my stomach & thighs. Another is I see other people & my brain picks out their attractive qualities. The sparkly eyes, wide smiles, glossy hair & even the quirks that make each person unique. I really try to compliment friends & family because hearing appreciation for the time spent making yourself presentable is nice. It is fun for me to see a smile get a little bigger when I say, “You look gorgeous”, or “Hey beautiful/handsome”, or “You’re looking hot today”. I guess I’m lamenting that it seems those words don’t reach my ears as much as I’d like. My point seems to have gotten tangled up in my attempt to explain that I feel like whatever beauty I possess isn’t visible… What do you do when you’re not feeling your most attractive & need a little self confidence boost? Do you shop? Go to the spa? Put on your sexiest/cutest outfit?

]]> http://nil17.com/2011/03/eye-of-the-beholder/feed/ 1 http://nil17.com/2010/09/fashion-week-or-you-want-me-to-wear-what/ http://nil17.com/2010/09/fashion-week-or-you-want-me-to-wear-what/#comments Thu, 23 Sep 2010 22:11:06 +0000 Nil17 http://nil17.com/?p=1410 The fashion world has been agog at the latest styles/trends for the autumn/winter season. Many of the headlines/tweets I’ve seen have made much of “plus-size” runway fashions. Apparently in Milan there was a kerfuffle over the designer who has opened the last 5 years being left off the official calendar this year. In New York, the big news was their first ever “plus-size” runway. So why do I (or you) care? Well I should start by saying that I do like seeing more realistic women on the catwalk.  However, I’m not about to fall for the “real women are finally being accepted in fashion” propaganda being fired at me. For one thing none of the models are shorter than 5’8” (I’m guessing but I bet they probably aren’t even that short).  Another is all these models are what I think of as “pretty fat”. These women are gorgeous, there’s no denying it. I see them & think “Damn, she’s looks fine”. But “pretty fat” is the least objectionable to the fashionistas. These gorgeous Amazonian women are plumb & curvy in all the right places. Never an unsightly tummy bulge or that inconvenient under arm wobble. But back to the issue of why care… I don’t know about you but I’m not 5’8”— in fact I’m just 5’2” & weigh somewhere between 200-800 lbs. (You didn’t actually think I’d post my real weight did you?!?) The fact is that all the clothes that look so fantastic on the catwalk look pretty ridiculous on me. I mean seriously why is it that pants are either too long (average) or just that bit too short (petite) so that I look like I’m wearing someone else’s pants? Not to mention that the pants (or jeans, shorts, skirt) may fit in the waist or the hips but never both at once. I just bought new pants a couple weeks ago—tried them on & they fit really well. In fact I looked in the mirror and wonder of wonders; I didn’t shudder & close my eyes. I even did a pirouette in the mirror so I could look at them from all angles. The rub here is that while the size I ended up purchasing fits pretty well there is a significant gap at the waist. Now when I wear them I’m constantly hitching them up just a bit. It is beyond me that we can’t get some sort of standard for women’s sizes. While making pants the men’s are made wouldn’t necessarily be the answer it would be a damn sight closer & could take some of the dread out of buying jeans. Another fashion issue that drives me up a wall is the way designers just make skinny clothes bigger.  I get that this sounds like a no-brainer.  The problem is that if you take a shirt designed for a size 2 & just add more fabric you end up with a tent style garment that resembles a shirt. Frankly I’m tired of wanting clothes that look good on the hanger (not dissimilar to the original model) but are tight in odd places (like under the armpit) but hang or gape too wide at the waist.  Is it so difficult to use a woman of the appropriate size on which to base your patterns? Apparently it is because I’m appalled at some of the items I see for sale to fat girls (plus-size, BBW, etc. whatever you want to call us). I won’t even go into the whole shirt dress craze…. *rolls eyes* I have to say this…it makes me crazy to walk into a store & see WHITE pants in plus sizes. Come on ladies, you know better than to wear those white pants. They barely look decent on a tiny little stick person; you know that they aren’t the most flattering thing you own. I admit I’ve tried on white pants only to look in the mirror & shriek in horror. I know I’m not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but white pants (jeans, skirts, skorts, capris etc) make me look like Moby Dick. Were Melville alive today he’d die from disbelief that his creature had come to life in a women’s dressing room. Do yourself & your self-esteem a HUGE favor; resist the urge to buy or wear them. Of course no discussion of fashion would be complete without my well-worn rant about bras. There remains a disturbing lack of appropriate bras.  I’ve ranted about it before (twice). I can now add in a diatribe against nursing bras. I mean for the love of chocolate—how is it that when a woman needs extra support the most it is as hard to find as an honest politician. I’m not kidding when I say the nursing bras I found that fit do not do much besides hold the girls in a general sort of way. Simply walking to the kitchen starts a jiggle that makes jello look sturdy. Forget running up the stairs or walking briskly through Target. How is it that when I want a cute, sexy bra all I can find are bullet-cupped, grandma bras yet when I need a bra like that all I can find are see-through mesh cups? It’s insane. I dream of the day when I can get an attractive (or even a slutty one if I’m really feeling daring) bra without having to sell my 1st born on the black market. If there’s anybody out there looking to make great bras for us ladies who have the need for great looking bras (and matching oh please let there be matching panties) let me know. I will happily be your muse. All I can say is ladies, you lovely women who look like women & not 13 year old boys, please be conscious of what you wear. Just because the fashion industry has deemed long tunics & “jeggings” to be the must-have look this season does NOT mean we should all run out & get them. Rather find that comfortable worn pair of jeans, a comfy second hand sweater & splurge on some great leather boots. After all, YOU are definitely worth it!

]]> http://nil17.com/2010/09/fashion-week-or-you-want-me-to-wear-what/feed/ 2 http://nil17.com/2009/04/the-great-bra-rant-continues/ http://nil17.com/2009/04/the-great-bra-rant-continues/#comments Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:08:35 +0000 Nil17 http://nil17.com/?p=401 Yesterday we went to Duluth to do some much needed shopping. All the usual things on the list: toilet paper, paper towels, dog food, laundry soap, clothespins etc. We also needed to get some new khakis for Husband & I intended to look for something fun & girly to wear to a wedding this weekend. It was a nice spring day. Lake Superior looked magnificent: tiny white caps frothing on top of slate blue waves. Inviting to spend a few hours sitting in Canal Park by the Lift Bridge. (Another time, and soon too.) Anyway, we went to one of the few stores in which I will shop. It was not the best trip. I’m not sure what the fashion people are thinking these days. Seriously, everything has either been time warped from a Bill & Ted movie or it looks like it came from a bowl of sherbet. And the ruffles, dear lord the ruffles…I mean do I look like I need to draw attention to my cleavage? I can do scoop neck, low cut etc but I do NOT do ruffles. My cleavage needs no enhancing…just some truly sexy support (see Bra Rant for the beginning of all this). To add insult to injury the saleslady (who knows me, I shop here frequently) proceeded to show me the most gorgeous new bra. Yep, that’s right, she went there. Of course it looks amazing, just exactly what I want…too bad it doesn’t come in my size. I’m not kidding when I say I went on a 10 minute rant in the middle of the store. Husband was slowly but surely inching his way out the door. I’m waving my hands, beyond totally outraged at the indignity of having to endure this line of conversation. The lady tried to say “Well, have you looked online? We carry larger sizes there” and “Well we do have this style here that may work for you.” Needless to say this only incensed me more. I went on a tear. It went a little something like this: Ummm yeah, that doesn’t really work for me. See I’m not looking for a white/black/beige bra. I’m looking for something stunning, in a demi cup with satin & bows, or a plunge in silk with embroidery. I am sick to death of wearing these old lady bras that either flatten by boobs our or turn them into some creepy bullet shape last seen at a Madonna concert sometime in the 90s. It’s completely unreasonable to expect me to tolerate these ugly, sex appeal-less things. I cannot be the only woman in the world who thinks she deserves some lingerie (panties, bras & other delicious naughty things) that make her feel amazing, look gorgeous & walk like she’s got a secret. Not to mention the men….why in the world would they want to see this crap. It’s off-putting! And think about them trying to purchase it…forget it. No man in his right mind would attempt to give it as a gift…he’s better off getting a new blender. After a few more minutes of the same course I threw my hands in the air, marched into a dressing room & beat my head against the wall. (None of this stopped me from trying on stuff that was obviously inferior.) This just made me mad at myself, bad that I’m not a Madison Ave fashion plate & sad that I fell into the same trap women have been falling into for years. Well no more…it’s not easy when I’m bombarded by people telling me I should be less than what I am (they’re just jealous…they wish they had my cleavage!) However, I have been reminded that I’ve got more than a few people (plenty with the women they love in the same cup as it were) who will give me all the support I need. Thus I shall press on…stay tuned for more insane ranting.

]]> http://nil17.com/2009/04/the-great-bra-rant-continues/feed/ 0 http://nil17.com/2009/04/the-shape-im-in/ http://nil17.com/2009/04/the-shape-im-in/#comments Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:54:41 +0000 Nil17 http://nil17.com/?p=260 It’s been a while since I posted my intention to get in shape.  Of course at that time I didn’t really say what shape I was going to get into.  After a false start in February I worked hard to get into a routine in March.  While I didn’t go hard every day I was consistent enough to start feeling good about my efforts.  But first let me backtrack to the beginning of February. I had decided to work on getting more fit.  I have some very specific goals in mind and I’m confident that they are fairly realistic. One of the goals is to be stronger, more flexible & have more stamina as I know that will serve me well in all aspects of my life. I won’t bore you with all the other goals…if you really want to know ask me. What I  really want to mention is that February was full of good intentions & little else.  By the end of the month I had done little if any exercising to justify the new shoes I had purchased.  To be fair to myself (I know, I’m as shocked as you are…being fair to myself is an unusual occurance.) I started strong.  I strapped on my brand new Ryka’s, put in my new Wii workout disc & set about getting fit.  Of course I barely made it thru the setup process where I was tested on different exercises…let alone the 1/2 hour of aerobics I attempted to complete. This was enough to thoroughly discourage me.  I was excited & set my initial goal a bit high.  Going from total workout reject to an hour of shredding is insane.  One attempt at that & the shoes went back into their box. I was ready to admit defeat before even getting going. As February ended & March began I could feel the cold fingers of a spring depression creeping in on me.  In order to combat what can become a viscious cycle for me (Feel bad, eatsleepread repeat), I got stern with myself & pulled out the new shoes, the workout pants & my WiiFit.  Since I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress I decided that sweating & boxing were good choices to start.  I’ve also added some yoga poses & aerobics to the routine so that I feel I’m covering the basics to build my stamina, flexibility & strength. Now after a good, fairly consistent month of exercise I find it has done me some good.  I feel more energetic (when I get the appropriate amount of sleep but that’s another story).  I have noticed that my posture has improved & I walk more fluidly although I am not (and probably never will be graceful).  Some people have even mentioned that I’m starting to look more toned in some areas (I don’t see it but that’s no surprise…I have a blind spot where any of my good qualities may reside).  I do feel a teeny bit pleased that my legs seem to be getting more toned, my derriere is starting to show the advantages of all the step work I’ve been doing (I have a long way to go but it’s a start) & my ab area feels much stronger.  I don’t pant when I jog across the parking lot to my Jeep at the end of the day.  Don’t think I’m really putting a ton of effort into running (This would be sheer insanity on my part if for no other reason than my ankles have been bad since high school track). Lately I’ve increased the intensity of my workouts as I can tell that I’ve become used to how I started & I need to continue to push myself.  I do longer, harder boxing routines, more step aerobics (with standing crunches, toe touchies & leg kicks added in) & more than the basic side stretch & warrior pose yoga.  In fact I have come to enjoy doing the downward facing dog, palm tree, sun salutation & bridge moves. My next goal is to feel okay about how I look in dress clothes as I have a dinner date in 4 months.  My sister-in-law Anne & her husband (who is currently in basic training at Ft. Knox) want to go out on a fancy, adults-only, night on the town to celebrate his triumphant return.  Since I don’t want to be the only one wearing a burlap sack I must continue in my quest for fitness…I have some great girl clothes hanging in my closet.  My hope is that come July I can don my fancy duds, my highest heels & get a great pic before dancing & partying the night away.

]]> http://nil17.com/2009/04/the-shape-im-in/feed/ 2 http://nil17.com/2008/07/observations-on-people-in-a-park/ http://nil17.com/2008/07/observations-on-people-in-a-park/#comments Mon, 28 Jul 2008 22:58:42 +0000 Nil17 http://nil17.wordpress.com/2008/07/28/observations-on-people-in-a-park/ Black Ash at our 1st ever Art in the Park.  More on that in a post soon. People are fascinating to watch especially when they [...]]]> I spent this past weekend in a city park in Alexandria, MN.  Now you may ask what I was doing there.  The simple answer is showing our products from Black Ash at our 1st ever Art in the Park.  More on that in a post soon. People are fascinating to watch especially when they aren’t really conscious of the fact that someone is watching them.  As we sat in the back of our booth waiting for customers a flood of humanity traveled past. There were elderly couples who were walking hand in hand talking & laughing like young people in love.  Middle-aged people with children, pets, strollers & food struggled past trying to keep everything together. One couple we saw was confusing.  We weren’t certain if it was a mother & her son just out wandering around or a couple on a date.   It could easily go either way….I’d hate to pass judgement but it was a little strange. Another couple we saw (late 40’s to mid 50s) the man was dressed in blue jeans & a clean pressed T-shirt with motorcycle boots. The woman was dressed in very high black wedge sandals with black capris & a short sleeved, low cut top.  Apparently she was showing off a brand new pair of silicone floatation devices. (I mean come on it’s a family show there…in the middle of a city park.)  At one point she was making him carry her sandals (Hey dude, look in the purse she’s got & see if you can find your manly parts) while she walked barefoot.  Later they stood across the way from us & had ice cream.  She bought an ice cream cone & then proceeded to eat it with a spoon. (Really?  ‘cuz she looked like she could have handled it w/o the spoon….)  In a bid to look ridiculous like a cute, young couple she decided to feed her man some ice cream too.  Fortunately after a bite he finally put a stop to that display of oookieness. One couple in their 20’s walked up arm in arm to admire our booth.  They seemed like a nice couple.  Until the guy {Wearing a pastel pink “How many licks” T-shirt} kept sticking his hand INTO his pants to scratch what I can only assume was a hideous, absolutely massive rash that was quite obviously running amuck in his nether-region.  While I don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, I do know that a  little powder & a whole lot of personal hygiene will take care of the jock itch. Speaking of questionable fashion choices…[anybody notice a theme here??] I also saw a young man wearing lime green cargo shorts with a tight, lavender polo shirt - collar at attention.  I wanted to send him home to his mommy for a lesson in color-coordination & the proper fit of clothing. (Before you send nasty comments about my viciousness regarding lime green or lavender polo shirts let me just say this.  I have nothing against any of those things independently.  I own a very cute pair of lime green cargo capri pants.  I also own a very nice lavender twin set that I wear quite often.  However I’ve never seen them as a matched set.  Don’t get me started on polo shirts.  They are great for other people but I find them rather boxy & square while I am not at all boxy but all curvy & soft.)  But I digress.   Several Goth/emo children wandered past…(I didn’t know they could be seen in sunlight).  A woman out with her man wearing a very cute dress.  Too bad is was white & completely see-through in the bright sunlight of a July afternoon.  I really didn’t need to know her personal grooming habits or that it was apparently underwear washing day at her house. Another woman in a dull gold spaghetti strap dress with matching gold sandals.  Very cute outfit & totally appropriate for a formal garden party or wedding. Hello, did anybody notice that this is essentially a fair?  I mean we’ve got food, craft booths, a particularly bad band & a freaking clown! Of course all of that is for a later discussion.

]]> http://nil17.com/2008/07/observations-on-people-in-a-park/feed/ 2 http://nil17.com/2008/04/my-pink-coat/ http://nil17.com/2008/04/my-pink-coat/#comments Thu, 10 Apr 2008 03:44:19 +0000 Nil17 http://nil17.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/my-pink-coat/ I can’t really think of much to write about today so I’m going to talk about my pink raincoat. I spent most of my childhood & teenage years as a tomboy.  I grew up on a farm & spent endless days outside playing in the dirt.  I preferred to play with tractors than my Barbie doll.  I enjoyed playing with the piglets in the back yard. As I reached my twenties a curious thing began to happen…suddenly I’d find myself liking lusting after an item girly & pink.  Usually I’d quash that feeling & if I had to have the shirt, pants, skirt etc I’d buy blue.  Pink was too girly & I was better than that. (I know, I know I was insane.) When I met my better half I noticed that more pink, girly things began to appear around me.  Nail polish (I’ve always kept my nails nice just never pink), clothes, shoes, purses, and tchotches made an appearance. The culmination of all this pink-ness came about 2 years ago when I was *gasp* shopping in Wal-Mart.  (I do try to avoid this as usually my sense of style is exceedingly horrified by it but sometimes a girl needs a huge package of toilet paper!) To my delight I saw the most perfect coat.  Bright, bubble-gum pink with slash pockets, trench coat styling & a fantastic silky lining with a white background covered in daisies.  Oh, it’s also waterproof…perfect for the wet spring days.  And in a size that fits!  Wonder of wonders….  Alas I did not have the shekels to purchase this most sublime representation of all that is feminine. Now my most amazing spouse had noted all this delight over the coat.  He snuck off one day from work & brought the coat home as a gift.  He was well rewarded for such charming behavior! I’ took that coat out of the closet earlier this week & carefully buttoned it up.  I tied the sash around my middle (let’s face it I don’t really have a waist). My confidence skyrocketed!  “Wow!!  I’m stunning”, said the little voices in my head.  At work several people told me what a great coat I had.  “That’s right, it’s great, I’m great, life is great”, said the voices. From now on when ever I need a little ego boost I’m heading right for that coat so I can remind myself how confident & feminine a little pink can be.

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