Something Creative » depression

Hard to Love

Nil17 — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 21:56:00 +0000

I’m tired. Not just physically but emotionally & mentally. My week is always a challenge when Abe is out of town. This week is no different. I have spent a couple days with my brother and his family which helps me feel less alone. Magnus is fun, makes me smile and gives me great snuggles. It is hard work but I love having Magnus around most of the time.

A thought struck me tonight though. I’m more lucky than I maybe realize that I have Magnus. He loves me. It may sound like the most simplistic statement ever but it bears repeating. Magnus loves me.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a clean t-shirt to wear, my hair is a mess, I’m hormonal, growing bigger by the second, struggle with depression, have a short fuse on my temper some days or that I fall short every day. To Magnus I am comfort, fun, happiness and of course food.

I’m hard to love for other people (I think)… I wish I weren’t.
To be the happy-go-lucky, always smiling, positive outlook, fuzzy warm baby snuggles girl would be great. I often wish I were that girl…instead I work hard to have something nice to say. With my friends I really strive to be encouraging, to have the words that will make a positive impact on them.

Whether or not I’m successful remains to be seen. I know I don’t always succeed. Also, because I’m not prone to seeing the positive for myself it is difficult for me to accept when others do. I am (more so now while I’m pregnant) needy & insecure. I feel lonely & at times forgotten by those I consider to be some of my closest friends. I feel trapped outside of the amusement park of life.

There is part of me that realizes this is silly. Everybody is busy with life, work, spouses etc. I know in the logical (and smaller part of my inner voice) that everything remains steadfast…that I’m not forgotten. Still the insecure girl who so wants to be liked worries about whether maybe ~this~ time I really will be forgotten and left behind.

It makes me sad…I just hope that in spite of how hard it may be to love me that people will continue to do so. I give of my love as freely as I can. My hope is that in some small way it compensates those who have opened their hearts to me.

Eye of the Beholder

Nil17 — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 21:39:41 +0000

I can’t think of a clever opening for this post today. I’m tired & feeling a bit sad. Most of that comes from lack of sleep & pregnancy hormones running rampant. I’m also feeling like a great blue whale & I probably look like some sort of crazy hippo. I’ve never been confident in my appearance…I worry about my hair (always straight & often flat), my skin & of course clothes. Generally I deal with my hair my pulling it into a ponytail or clip, my skin I treat gently & use minimal makeup & I try to wear flattering clothes both in style & color. Basically I’m a typical woman. Lately though I just don’t feel like I look attractive. When I walk past a mirror I see a woman in her mid-thirties (holy crap I’m 35!) with dark circles under her eyes, glasses that need to be replaced, a few skin blemishes & a Cheerio or two smooshed into whatever formerly clean t-shirt I chose for the day. It isn’t like I don’t try…I shower every day, brush my hair, get dressed in something besides sweatpants…I spritz on my favorite perfume… So what’s missing or has changed from even a few months ago? One is being pregnant…even though I haven’t gained any weight (it is still early days though) I feel rounder in my stomach & thighs. Another is I see other people & my brain picks out their attractive qualities. The sparkly eyes, wide smiles, glossy hair & even the quirks that make each person unique. I really try to compliment friends & family because hearing appreciation for the time spent making yourself presentable is nice. It is fun for me to see a smile get a little bigger when I say, “You look gorgeous”, or “Hey beautiful/handsome”, or “You’re looking hot today”. I guess I’m lamenting that it seems those words don’t reach my ears as much as I’d like. My point seems to have gotten tangled up in my attempt to explain that I feel like whatever beauty I possess isn’t visible… What do you do when you’re not feeling your most attractive & need a little self confidence boost? Do you shop? Go to the spa? Put on your sexiest/cutest outfit?

I’m a Crazy Hermit

Nil17 — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:44:26 +0000

This has been a busy week for me…I actually left the house twice! The first trip into town was to a gourmet grocery store & I will post on that soon. The other trip was a couple days later for a Target run. Both trips were productive but driving into my yard was a relief. Pulling into the parking space by my front door & turning the key off felt like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. Breathing became easier and deeper-more natural. For those of you who know me well this all probably sounds like some bizarro world version of me. I assure you it isn’t. Rather it is me in my more true state. Hidden beneath my “vivacious” & “outgoing” exterior lies a true introvert. (waits while you all snap your jaws closed) But, but, but…I know what you’re all thinking…I talk a lot & laugh & joke…I always seem to have a comment…. All of that is behavior I’ve learned & cultivated…it is a mask that allows me to survive in social situations. By being quick with a turn of phrase, a smile, a wink it is very easy to keep people at arm’s length. No need to look deeper or ask questions…I must be confident & smart & fun… (okay writing those three adjectives just caused me to snort - those are the unlikeliest words I’d ever use to actually describe me). Perhaps my innate shyness is the root of the reason I never moved to Paris… (a common assumption my former high school classmates made. I learned this second hand but apparently when I slipped out the side door (figuratively) after graduation & wasn’t heard from again they all assumed I was living the life of the starving writer in Paris). Instead after spending 10 years living in the city I moved to the northern woods of Minnesota. I loved it up there…the isolation of the forests, the expanse of Lake Superior and the ability to feel tiny yet invincible. Now I live on the prairie & there’s a sweetness to that existence as well. The great stretches of open land, the unbroken sky littered with clouds. I’m embracing my hermit side more & more. The real me is far more comfortable in my own space than out & about. I don’t want to get dressed & comb my hair (and be judged) in order to visit with people. I want to stay in my comfy shirt & sip coffee on my couch. You’re welcome to visit just don’t expect me to put on pants.

Into the West: A Year of Change

Nil17 — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 23:52:08 +0000

Since it is de riguer to do a retrospective post I could hardly swim against the current (I don’t swim with the current either…I prefer the beach) so here’s my recap.

The year of 2010 was one of huge changes for me. First we moved from our home near Duluth, MN to a town near Sioux Falls, SD so that Abe could find work. We sorely miss our life in the north woods of Minnesota. Not just the places but the friends & family we don’t get to see nearly often enough. Our nephews have grown so much in the last 12 months. This was the first year we missed any of the major events in their lives & wow did we miss a ton! The oldest one went off to kindergarten this past fall & the younger nephew is full of all kinds of antics.

The biggest change of course was becoming a mom. So far it is the most difficult thing I think I will ever do. He is a pretty good baby but I’m looking forward to the first teeth (eyeteeth for my child…of course, why go for something easier?) to finally break through. Magnus is an active little guy. He loves his exersaucer & can really get to bouncing & spinning around in it. He can sit up alone but doesn’t like too because it limits his ability to move around. Magnus much prefers to lie down so he can roll around and inch-worm his way into mischief. The dogs are interested in him but Magnus is positively enthralled by them; reaching to latch onto whichever one might be closest. It’s been an adjustment to have another person to feed & clothe but so much fun to nibble little toes & kiss the soft downy head as he falls asleep in my arms.

We moved a second time in 2010—this one was a much smaller move from one small town in the Sioux Falls area to a beautiful farm house in the country but much closer to shopping. I love being back out in the country & not having neighbors be right on top of us. Plus we get a beautiful view all around which is just the thing for cold winter days. Magnus adores lying on our bed & watching the wind whip the weeping willow tree.

Sadly we missed out on a lot of our traditions for the various holidays. We didn’t get to go shopping for Halloween costumes with our nephews for the first time. We also missed their birthday parties, hiking/trips up the North Shore, getting snowed in on New Year’s Eve and mostly we missed all the random times we simply decided to make the drive to Cloquet just to see what was going on.

I am hoping for a fairly quiet 2011. Time spent with family & friends…watching Magnus grow and explore…hopefully finding my depression ease a bit…maybe continuing to write.

Gratitude for Simple Things

Nil17 — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 20:23:44 +0000

It is the middle of November here & the sun is shining down on a chilly yet green world. Not all green, there are shades of yellow, brown & red yet. There is no snow yet which is wonderfulamazingglorious! I want to share a few things that I’m grateful for today. Nothing special or exciting except that I’m reveling in the simplicity. I’m grateful for a cup of coffee w/cream. I try not to ingest too much caffeine since I’m nursing but a cup of coffee wrapped in my hand on these chilled mornings is comforting. Usually I combine my coffee with a bagel & a few minutes of quiet time catching up on blogs or other reading. The first smile of the day from Magnus. There is nothing quite like when he opens those big blue eyes & smiles at me; sleep still lingers in his eyes yet he is so excited to see me. Seeing that much love from someone is overwhelming. Feeling the bounce in my step as I hurry up & down stairs during the day. My ponytail bounces against the nape of my neck & the balls of my feet strike each stair with purpose. Not only do I enjoy that but I know all the stairs are good for my legs/hips/thighs/butt. I’m also trying to take joy & pleasure in doing the housework. I’m bad at doing it but with this move have tried to work extra hard to do little things about the house. Rather than having to do massive cleaning once in awhile I am trying to pick up the flotsam & jetsam that accumulates every day. The moment in our day when Abe comes home & Magnus recognizes his dad with a smile & jabber. Overall in spite of the postpartum I am finding moments of gratitude & joy in my every day life. It isn’t always easy & there are days where I just plain don’t want to get out of bed…and some days I spend a lot of time snuggling deep into the comforter with Magnus. I am pushing along though…I have my meds again (for now—some bills went unpaid for a little longer) which make such a huge difference. We will see what December brings but for now I will take the simple things. Besides who can resist this much cuteness??

So Much For Mental Health

Nil17 — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 23:28:12 +0000

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling with depression for over a year. After the birth of my amazing little boy it got a whole lot worse. With the addition of post-partum it has been a new & often horrible experience. I recognized fairly quickly that I was going to need help dealing with the depression. In fact by the 2nd day of my hospital recovery I had already discussed increasing the dosage of my anti-depressant with my physician. After a few weeks I again discussed my depression with my physician & again my dosage was increased. This alleviated the depression a little but I was still struggling to get out of bed. Finding the energy & motivation to do more than give Magnus care was impossible. I was weepy, sad & felt pretty awful about myself. After a long wait I was finally able to see a psychiatrist who prescribed me an additional medication. I should mention that the hour long consultation with the psychiatrist cost me $300. As an uninsured individual I was less than happy to see that bill. I was told that all I needed to pay was $75. WRONG. Not only that but I was scheduled for a follow-up appointment six weeks after the first visit. That’s another $300 they wanted…needless to say I canceled that appointment. It’s no wonder that people don’t seek help— seriously I’d love to pay my bill but who in the hell can afford $300/hour. So they will have to take what I can afford on a monthly basis. All you out there who are all up in arms about healthcare…think long and hard about this. Could I get health insurance? Possibly— though to purchase health insurance for our family would be over a 1/3 of our gross monthly income. (Yeah that seems reasonable… I mean I can have health insurance w/a deductible of $25,000+ but not afford rent/utilities or I can pay my regular bills & not get health care.) Anyway, I have to refill my prescriptions every month. I make sure to get the generic drugs to help alleviate the cost. Well, life being what it is I had to make a decision on what to purchase…the refill for my prescriptions ($100) or groceries & diapers. Obviously groceries & diapers were what came home in the back of my Jeep. So I went off my meds cold turkey. Not something I recommend trying—it is awful. After ten days of deepening depression I called the psychiatrists office to see if they could give me some samples at least. I had to wait for a nurse to call me back. When I finally received a return call I wished I’d never asked for help. After explaining my situation for the 3rd time (once to the receptionist when I called, then to the voicemail which required me to leave a detailed message) the nurse basically wished me luck with my post-partum depression. For a new mom with a screaming baby this is NOT the correct response. I’ve been feeling more & more desperate with each passing day….by yesterday there were moments where I was truly tempted to feed Magnus, put him to sleep in his bed & then crawl into a warm bath with my (still) full bottle of vicodin (left over from my c-section) & the bottle of vodka. It is very hard for me to admit that I have reached the point where I’ve even thought that. I’m horrified that I am so upset with myself that I feel like just going to sleep & never waking up. I know that it is the depression talking—one look at the beautiful, smiling face of my son & for a moment it all melts away. When the quiet sets into my own mind though I think about how horrible I feel…how I don’t feel like a good mom because I can’t always comfort Magnus right away. How I feel so lonely & isolated no matter what I’m doing. I’ve tried getting out of the house during the day…I just end up feeling invisible in a crowd. I’m also incredibly angry with myself for not being able to just put my mind to not feeling depressed. I should just be able to decide that I’m not depressed & then I won’t be right? Or as has been said to me on more than one occasion, “You just need to have more faith & pray harder & then God will just make it go away”. I won’t even dignify that with a response. To that nurse that “helped” me yesterday— seriously it is your attitude of ”good luck with your major depression” is unforgivable. When someone calls asking for help it is not okay to brush them off with “Maybe you could just ask someone for help. Or you could apply for some prescription plans…sometimes they will help if they can”. I was asking for help— I was asking you! Feeling ignored by someone whose job it is to care for people is not something I’d wish on anyone. So I’m trying to keep my chin up, grin & bear it and hopefully come through with the meds I need to help me. I may not be a good mommy but I’m trying my damnedest every day to show my little man that nobody will have as much love for him as I do.

NaNoWriMo or NaBloPoMo

Nil17 — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 02:50:38 +0000

It’s that time of year again when all the writers take pen in hand to participate in National Novel Writing Month. It’s a way for them to accomplish a lot of writing in a relatively short amount of time. The official website has all the information including rules etc. Some of the writers I know set up websites where you can follow along (once you register) with the writing, provide feedback if you choose & observe the process of creating a novel. If you are looking for some great writing & are interested in this process I highly recommend following David Niall Wilson as he writes Scattered Earth. Also this month is National Blog Posting Month…well every month is NaBloPoMo…anyway. Here bloggers make a commitment to post something on their blog every day for the entire month. The official website contains all the information & also prompts for what to post each day. There is all sorts of information on the site & if you are interested in either event I encourage you to visit the websites & see what’s going on.

I’ve always wanted to write a novel. Since I was a teenager I’ve felt that somewhere inside me was a book waiting to be born. However, I have not yet discovered what that book might be…I mean I can’t even post to my blog with any regularity (not to mention I don’t seem to have anything of interest to say) so a novel is a bit beyond my ken. I am considering some ideas to make this space a little LOT more interesting…I haven’t decided yet if or how I’ll implement any changes. I’m also thinking of doing a month of blog writing but this month is definitely not it…Mostly because I’m caught up in being a mommy.

Speaking of mommy stuff— Magnus tried rice cereal for the first time the other night. He is most certainly NOT a fan. The little bit I made he ended up wearing. So we will wait until after Christmas & see how he feels about it then. The other big thing going on is I’m off my meds right now. Due to a whole range of circumstances that I don’t feel like explaining I’ve been unable to refill my prescriptions. I must say that going cold turkey off a combo therapy of anti-depressants sucks mightily. It’s been a week & every day is very difficult. I spend a lot of time crying or fighting back the tears….if Magnus weren’t in need of care I’d probably never get out of bed. He is my saving grace right now. Every day I start with the attitude that I will survive until Abe comes home. So far it’s worked. Other than that I’ve got a multitude of questions without answers.

Log Jam in My Brain

Nil17 — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 18:24:28 +0000

I am having a terrible log jam in my brain lately. I have so many thoughts & ideas swirling around I can’t concentrate let alone think straight. Please bear with me as I attempt to get some of it out so that maybe I can revisit some of it later.

One thing that is pinging around is the articles & stories of bullying that are running rampant over the last month. I’m appalled by these tragic stories. I clearly remember my teenage years & remember thinking that if the oft quoted “These are the best years of your life” was indeed true that I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep going. I went to a relatively small high school (three districts combined to make a total of 55 kids in my graduating class)… I have vivid memories of some pretty harsh bullying that was directed at me. I’m sure I wasn’t always as kind as I should have been & for that I’m sorry. I did my best though…I was friends with the outcasts (heh, I WAS an outcast) & tried to find something kind to say about everybody. Much like now I was a peacemaker. I would do virtually anything to avoid or diffuse conflict. I can hold my own in a fight (be it verbal or physical) but that is my last resort.

For anybody out there reading this who is struggling— you are NOT alone & it does get better! Life is hard— I’m struggling with depression as I type this. However, I also know that I am truly blessed with an amazing husband (I never thought I’d find a man that could love me), a miracle baby boy (I had to learn to become comfortable with the idea that I may never have kids—the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom) and a group of family & friends that continue to speak with me (this makes me dumbfounded as I’m usually convinced they would be much better off w/o me).

I’ve also got a lot of self-doubt/loathing beating me up. This is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it isn’t as much of a battle. Then there are the times where my body, mind & MIL conspire to make me dive headfirst into some truly legendary wallowing. Generally I’ve been pretty happy with me over the last 4 months. I lost a decent amount of weight in a hurry (without trying— yay for pregnancy weight that disappears & for the aid of breastfeeding). There are things that I don’t like about it —nothing fits me properly including most of my panties. Let me just say that there are few things more awkward than walking around having to hitch up both your undies & your pants on a regular basis. Thank goodness that I didn’t lose my boobs or none of my shirts would look decent either. As it is I’m glad that I can continue to wear all my nice sweaters without looking like I’m wearing a trash bag. However, after this past weekend I’m hyper-critical of how I look. Nothing like being told “You look really good now that you’ve lost all that weight; how much more are you planning to lose?”. Seriously why would someone say things like that? Especially to a daughter-in-law. I may not be a teeny tiny girl but mostly I’m okay with that. I take pride in the fact that I look like a woman. There are a multitude of things I would refine but I wouldn’t want to be a tall skinny no-boobed girl. I like that when my son snuggles up with me we are both comfy & cushioned. Mostly I struggle with wanting to feel okay with myself & seeing why I shouldn’t thrown in my face every time I turn around.

All in all my brain is a jumble of feeling like I’m not worthy & yet on an average day where I wake up, run downstairs & get on with life I think “Damn, I don’t look half bad”. It sucks!!

The Run Down

Nil17 — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 20:29:12 +0000

I’m so tired. I don’t feel like I’m really functioning lately…more like going through the motions. It is terribly frustrating as Magnus is starting to really sleep at night with few wake-up times. Usually he sleeps 4-6 hours the first time he goes down. So wonderful for both of us as he still isn’t a big fan of the daytime nap. Yet over the last 2 weeks I’ve found it increasingly difficult to sleep. The sad thing is that the harder I work at sleeping the less success I seem to have. I visited my doctor yesterday…just a follow-up appointment for my meds & to check my thyroid. My doctor suspects that part of my depression/fatigue/general feeling of malaise my be related to an under-active thyroid. While I really don’t want to have ANOTHER problem it would be nice to have an answer to all of this. Also, my doctor asked me about my visits to the psychologist. After several calls where I left messages I never did get a call back from the mental health organization…how nice that they took any of my messages about feeling depressed & struggling with post-partum seriously.* They are quite lucky I have no urge to hurt myself or Magnus. (I would like to disappear…become invisible in fact.) Anyway, the therapist I saw told me that as long as I’m breast-feeding I cannot switch to other medication. The therapist also suggested I ask for melatonin to aid my insomnia. My doctor scoffed at that & said that I need to see a psychiatrist to discuss my options for medication. Apparently there may be a “helper” med that I can take with what I already have. Of course I can’t even get in to see the psychiatrist until the 21st of this month. In the meantime I’m taking my meds as directed (I’m very diligent about it & take them at the same time every day…of course I have to have an alarm to remind me). Exercise would probably help with my moods/physical fatigue…I am greatly lacking in the motivation department though. With the move I have been hauling boxes & packing so that made me feel pretty good. It was quite nice to feel up to hauling boxes of books around. That coupled with a very necessary shopping trip (it REALLY was necessary—I’ve lost quite a bit of weight & I needed to get pants that fit.) where I bought pants several sizes smaller than I have worn in a while plus a cute bit of girl-y something (all on major discount!) did give me a bit of a boost over the weekend. Now if I could just feel rested I’d be on my way to feeling better.

What Are You Thinking About?

Nil17 — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 18:41:39 +0000

The other night Magnus was sleeping early so Abe & I were snuggling; enjoying the quiet time together. After a few minutes of silence I asked what he was thinking about. “Nothing much, just you”, he replied. I laughed; it figures that is the answer I would get. Abe isn’t big on sharing what goes on inside his head. Many times I feel like some sort of mind-reading machine trying to figure out what’s up with him. After a few more minutes Abe asked what I was thinking about. “I’m a girl; there are hundreds of thoughts floating around in my brain. In fact, I really wish I could just shut it off for awhile”, I turned to look at him, “You really don’t want to hear all the stuff that’s floating around up there”. We bantered back and forth for a bit about it. Abe kept insisting he wanted to know what I was thinking; I kept telling him that letting that loose would ruin our quiet mood. Finally to end the discussion I started listing things that were popping up as thoughts. (I have heard the brain described as an intricate filing system. Men can have 2 maybe 3 drawers open at a time; any more & their filing cabinet tips over making a mess. Women can have dozens of drawers open at one time & quickly flip between them. Not only that but women can leave drawers partially open while men shut each drawer firmly.) Here in no particular order are some of the thoughts that I expressed last night…. I’m wondering about moving again, how we will manage the actual move, the logistics of packing with an additional person in the family, how we will manage to clear snow this winter since we don’t have a snow blower & it’s a much larger area than Abe can realistically shovel, how I’m going to furnish/decorate the new house, how Magnus will like the new house, how the dogs will like the new house, that I need the psychologist to call me back so I can make an appointment to discuss taking different meds for my depression, my depression doesn’t seem to be helped by my current meds so what difference does it make if I take them, I need to do my laundry, what to make for my family reunion on Saturday, will the weather be decent on Saturday, how will Magnus deal with traveling that far, will Magnus be in a good frame of mind, what should I wear to the reunion, I hate my hair—I wish it looked nicer, I feel defectivebrokendented, will I ever feel like “myself” again, I need to start back on my WiiFit, I don’t have the motivation to start back on the WiiFit, I need a job, I need to be able to stay home & take care of Magnus, I wish I could get paid to write, how can I get paid to write when I can’t even manage to update my blog on a semi-regular basis…. You get the idea anyway. As I was listing off things that I was thinking about more & more popped into my head. It was a bit like that scene in “Ghostbusters” where the poltergeist makes all the cards fly out of the card catalogue. I told Abe that I felt like my brain was full of posty notes randomly stuck all without any discernible pattern. He laughed as I went on a spiel about how with all those posty notes stuck everywhere it was no wonder my brain wasn’t working right & that I was forgetting things…new posties keep getting stuck on top of old ones. That’s some of what I’m thinking about…what are YOU thinking about?