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What Are You Thinking About?

20 Aug

The other night Magnus was sleeping early so Abe & I were snuggling; enjoying the quiet time together. After a few minutes of silence I asked what he was thinking about. “Nothing much, just you”, he replied. I laughed; it figures that is the answer I would get. Abe isn’t big on sharing what goes on inside his head. Many times I feel like some sort of mind-reading machine trying to figure out what’s up with him.

After a few more minutes Abe asked what I was thinking about. “I’m a girl; there are hundreds of thoughts floating around in my brain. In fact, I really wish I could just shut it off for awhile”, I turned to look at him, “You really don’t want to hear all the stuff that’s floating around up there”. We bantered back and forth for a bit about it. Abe kept insisting he wanted to know what I was thinking; I kept telling him that letting that loose would ruin our quiet mood. Finally to end the discussion I started listing things that were popping up as thoughts. (I have heard the brain described as an intricate filing system. Men can have 2 maybe 3 drawers open at a time; any more & their filing cabinet tips over making a mess. Women can have dozens of drawers open at one time & quickly flip between them. Not only that but women can leave drawers partially open while men shut each drawer firmly.) Here in no particular order are some of the thoughts that I expressed last night….

I’m wondering about moving again, how we will manage the actual move, the logistics of packing with an additional person in the family, how we will manage to clear snow this winter since we don’t have a snow blower & it’s a much larger area than Abe can realistically shovel, how I’m going to furnish/decorate the new house, how Magnus will like the new house, how the dogs will like the new house, that I need the psychologist to call me back so I can make an appointment to discuss taking different meds for my depression, my depression doesn’t seem to be helped by my current meds so what difference does it make if I take them, I need to do my laundry, what to make for my family reunion on Saturday, will the weather be decent on Saturday, how will Magnus deal with traveling that far, will Magnus be in a good frame of mind, what should I wear to the reunion, I hate my hair–I wish it looked nicer, I feel defectivebrokendented, will I ever feel like “myself” again, I need to start back on my WiiFit, I don’t have the motivation to start back on the WiiFit, I need a job, I need to be able to stay home & take care of Magnus, I wish I could get paid to write, how can I get paid to write when I can’t even manage to update my blog on a semi-regular basis….

You get the idea anyway. As I was listing off things that I was thinking about more & more popped into my head. It was a bit like that scene in “Ghostbusters” where the poltergeist makes all the cards fly out of the card catalogue. I told Abe that I felt like my brain was full of posty notes randomly stuck all without any discernible pattern. He laughed as I went on a spiel about how with all those posty notes stuck everywhere it was no wonder my brain wasn’t working right & that I was forgetting things…new posties keep getting stuck on top of old ones.

That’s some of what I’m thinking about…what are YOU thinking about?

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Posted in I should be in therapy, Patently Ridiculous, What's in my Head

Six (ish) Weeks Later

09 Aug

It has been just over six weeks since Magnus was born. He was just a little peanut when he came home…and while he has grown he is still a little peanut. We are blessed that he is healthy & so aware. He loves to be held where he can look around. There are times where my arms are exhausted but I love that Magnus is a snuggly baby. He loves to snuggle with both of us. Magnus is our sweetie baby…he has the sweetest smile & is a bit of a flirty boy already.

I had my six week post partum check-up today. My doctor says I’m in good shape for going back to being active. I’m excited to be able to start doing yoga again. In fact I’m going to have my good friend Mary over at Fit This! Girl put together a work out regimen for me. Since I’ve already lost 50 pounds I think I’m well set to get more fit so I can keep up with Magnus as he gets more active. This summer has been hard for me to be so inactive. The sweltering weather has made me feel a bit better about being housebound. It has been far to hot & humid to be outside during the afternoon (morning too for the most part). I do miss the hiking & other activities we used to do up at the North Shore. Hopefully we will be able to make a trip up there to visit this fall.

Other than that I’m trying to put a positive face on when facing the “public”. Reality is that I’m not coping all that well emotionally. As much as I have always wanted a baby & as much as I’m completely head over heels in love with Magnus I wonder if maybe I was meant to be a mom. Many times I feel that Magnus would be better off with a different mommy…that someone else would do a better job than I. In light of that I’ve talked with my doctor & we have increased my meds twice. Now I’m under orders to see a psych to discuss what my options are for changing meds. I’m not wild about this idea at all. I’d much prefer my chosen method of ignoring it as much as possible. If I won’t even talk about it with Abe I certainly don’t want to discuss it with a complete stranger. However, I know that the better I feel the better I will be at being a mommy for Magnus.

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Posted in Baby Stuff, I should be in therapy, What's in my Head

Mommy Mind

09 Aug

Right now Magnus is sleeping in his swing, the dogs are sleeping around the house & my mind is a mess. I’m beyond tired, I need a shower, I’m nearly out of clean clothes to wear, my house is a disaster again & Abe is gone until Tuesday night. At least Magnus seems to be getting over his cold (though he’s still congested).

Now before you tell me that this is what being a mommy is all about let me halt you. I am very aware of it…and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Okay, I’d change the lack of sleep…but everything else Magnus related I can handle. I’ve found wells of patience that nobody in the world would have imagined I could possess. Even though we’ve had days & nights of crying/screaming until Magnus is hoarse; I don’t feel at all close to getting upset other than I’ve cried because I feel bad for not being able to comfort him. When he cries that hard my heart breaks a little. Of course when he calms down & looks at me with his wide eyes I am captivated.

My brain feels split in two though. I’m so excited & feel amazingly blessed to have the honor of being a mom. I truly enjoy the feedings & don’t even mind the diapers (it’s only been seven weeks…that could certainly change) that seem to pile up everywhere. On the other hand I’m sad, feeling isolated & very much alone. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even have the words really. Mostly I feel like I’m watching everything from outside myself. There’s this film over everything–like a shade between what I’m experiencing as a mom & my thoughts. I loathe feeling the disconnect–I know it keeps me from truly living every day. This summer is passing me by so fast it is a blur of days that are notable only for their sameness. I can only pick out a few days as being special. Obviously the day of Magnus’ birth….

Basically I don’t really know what to say without spilling all my worry & depression out. So I’m trying to be silent & if I can’t be silent I’m trying to fake being okay….

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Posted in Baby Stuff, I should be in therapy, What's in my Head

A Burst of Spring

11 Apr

A year ago I waxed (somewhat) poetic about the joys of spring. I was often found sitting on my front patio (sometimes wrapped in a large blanket) enjoying the sounds, scents & sun of that time. I reveled at my country dwelling & all the charms present. Flowers blooming, trees flowering & heavy with the scent of promised fall apples. The nearby water offered up the choral performances of frogs calling for mates. It was a heady time full of desire & I was stepping out into an unknown realm. I was more than ready to embrace it & my exuberance was obvious.

This year is a world apart from that time. I’m feeling much more jaded with life (not that I’ve ever been much of a wide-eyed girl) and find it hard to look at anything like I did then. My summer took a turn when I ended up in hospital for a week at the beginning of August. That set me back physically as expected but the mental aspect I was something for which I was NOT prepared.

With my plans & dreams of the spring wilting under the heat of late summer & my body betraying me I was lost. For the first time I was enveloped in a fog of depression. I wasn’t ready to deal with it nor even to admit it (not even in my own head) for a long time. I pulled into myself, avoiding as much contact/interaction with people as I could, and felt the promising blossoms of spring turn with the oncoming fall weather.

Work was more than a difficult situation, life at home was increasingly frustrating as we tried to find a solution to Abe’s jobless status & I felt like hibernating. We made a big decision to start looking for jobs & housing outside of our current area. This led to several trips back to my hometown area as jobs were more available and housing was much less expensive. Soon we had agreed that a move to another state (near where I grew up) was in order & preparations began.

Now we are moved in if not settled in & things are going okay. With the oncoming warm weather I find that glimmer of light encouraging me that I will find the end of this feeling (whatever it may be…I’m hard pressed to define it). Life is about to go around another sharp curve this summer when I finally become a mother. July 6th is fast approaching & I am totally unprepared for the event. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there really isn’t a way I can be prepared…and we all know how I like to be prepared, organized & ready for any eventuality.

Right now I’m sitting on my new patio in our tiny little backyard feeling the wind from the prairie whoosh through town & enjoying the sun, blossoming trees & occasional birdsong….a burst of spring to remind me that nothing remains unchanged.

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Posted in I AM, Memories, Musings, The Life We Lead, What's in my Head

Solitary Me

10 Mar

It’s been two months since we moved. Hubby got a job & is working nearly 6 days a week. I’m so proud of him & know he’s much happier. I’m thankful that he’s able to get out & do what he loves.

I however am at home every day. I was ill throughout January & a good part of February. On top of all that I’m struggling with not having a friends close by. I feel so isolated from everything. Getting up every day is a challenge….some days I do really well & others not so much. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant & it is helping some. Today isn’t one of those days….today is a curled in a ball, blanket over my head, box of kleenex crumpled around me kind of day.

I feel like I might shatter into a million pieces like a porcelain doll handled carelessly. My breath is choked off & I feel like I’m lost, wandering in a barren dark space. The only thing that makes me feel anything good is when I feel Baby moving. That little person means so much to me & I can’t wait to hold him/her.

No idea why I started writing this actually….I haven’t had any interest in writing (or reading) these last months. Seems like all my inspiration (or whatever it was) has dried up, disappeared & gone for good. Maybe it’s living here on the prairie….the wind snatched my muse away on to a more deserving person.

Sorry this is so disjointed. I don’t even really know what to say except being solitary me hurts.

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Posted in What's in my Head

December, Departing & Depression

16 Dec

Wow, it’s December already. I can hardly believe it’s halfway through the month. In just a couple weeks we’ll be packing up a massive trailer & heading to South Dakota. It will be the first time I’ve lived outside of Minnesota in my life. Not that I haven’t done some traveling but I never felt the need to live anywhere besides here.

So my house is in disarray…like far more than what it’s really like. There are boxes everywhere–the one couch is half covered, most of the living room floor, the kitchen counter…well you get the idea. And of course where there aren’t boxes there are stacks of things needing to be wrapped & packed. I haven’t been the help I should be in all this packing either…the “morning sickness” (what a misnomer…I’m just plain nauseous all day long…wicked unending nausea. The only good thing has been no throwing up) keeps me from feeling like I can do much & I’m exhausted. Still I have been working on what I can like books, pictures & all the little fragile things I don’t want to trust anybody else with packing. The next big thing is going through my closet…this is going to be a big job & I’ve been procrastinating big time. However it’s going to have to be by the end of the weekend. There will be a bunch of clothes finding their way into the donation bin. I’m not too hard on clothes so anything that’s in good shape goes & anything not worth saving will go as extra padding for the mirrors, art & various glassware.

The thought of moving mostly just makes me cry…yes we’ll be moving to a great house & into better employment situations but there are so many things that I’m leaving behind. My sister Anne whom I am so fortunate to have…the fact that she married into the family in no way makes her any less of a sister than the ones who share bloodlines with me. I will miss the trips into “our” dressing room at Maurices to try on clothes. No matter how much I complain about how ridiculous I look it’s always fun to do it together. Her friendship has been invaluable to me & I love that we are always welcome in her home.

On top of everything else my depression hasn’t abated but I’m sublimating it as best I can…trying to focus on keeping calm (not an easy thing for me) and fake it. There are many days where I wake up in the middle of the night & just cry ’til I fall back to sleep. I can’t explain the feeling…but it’s empty, desolate & black. When I can I play Mozart in my head; using it to calm myself & the baby. After all the dust of this month settles I’m hoping the light I need will make a dim glow somewhere nearby.

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Posted in The Life We Lead, What's in my Head

Jumbled

12 Nov

I’m jumbled up today like a 5000 piece puzzle scattered about. I woke up feeling sort of okay…a day off & I need it. After a somewhat leisurely start to the day it was off to visit quickly with some friends & a quick lunch date with another friend. It was nice to see them but I could feel the sadness creeping in.

Then I picked up my paycheck…after that nasty surprise (there’s a reason I’m quitting ‘cuz seriously for all the work I do there & I don’t even make $10/hr…) we headed home. By the time I walked in my front door the cold fingers of depression were wrapped firmly around my entire being. I attempted to sit in my chair but after about 42 seconds I could tell that wasn’t going to work. My gallbladder is aggravating me & I’m so tired these days that no amount of sleep makes me feel rested….so I did the only thing I could & got out of my clothes and into bed.

I thought I’d just lie there awhile & see if my blanket (I’ve had it since the day I was born) and the down comforter could help chase the soul chill away. Instead I drifted off, phone clutched in my right hand like a lifeline with nobody at the other end. I vaguely remember Abe coming to check on me & rubbing my back ’til I fell asleep again…I shudder to think how much more of a hot mess I’d be without him.

There are now only 9 working days until I am done at my job. It’s a relief in many ways because I’m not happy there. I don’t mind the customers, answering phones etc but let’s be honest a monkey could do my job. There is a satisfaction in helping a customer, fixing their little problems & knowing I can offer assistance when there is something bad that happens…after all that’s what a good insurance agent does. However I need something that challenges me, stretches me…without that I get bored and become at best a mediocre worker. I don’t enjoy that…I was taught to work hard & take pride it that. Now I don’t know what I’ll do.

Moving (yes in case I’ve failed to properly mention it we are moving.) is an overwhelming thing in my mind…it’s my great white whale at the moment. Abe has been slowly packing some things & I know that I need to start pitching in as best I am able. I think this weekend the photos will come down off the walls & the books will come off the shelves. Where we are going to go is something we haven’t figured out quite yet. We’re looking for places near Sioux Falls, SD so that Abe has plenty of job opportunities & hopefully steady work. I am looking for something VERY part time; preferably something I can do from home. Plus I’m hoping to find a doctor who can help me with this depression…and the insecurity that overwhelms me.

Yet I see the good things coming…being closer to my family whom I love so very much. Also we will be closer to Abe’s brother in Missouri which will be nice for them. I do hope they will be able to spend more time together. And there is much wild beauty on the prairies of my home…much I have not yet trained my camera or inner eye upon to study. I need to do a photo blog post of some of that from the last time I was down there.

My heart is torn, cracked & sore…I ache for the things I will miss. Not only the nature that surrounds me but the people. My sister-in-law Anne…my sister in fact. We have shared so many good & difficult times…and a lot of dressing rooms in Maurices. No matter our distance she will be close to my heart as will her precious boys who are like my own almost. I adore them to pieces & have so enjoyed being part of their lives in an everyday sort of way. It will take extra effort from now on but I don’t want to lose that connection….

So I sit here far too late, in my chair with the dogs napping & Abe playing Wii…crying because of the fullness of life–the joys that will come & the sorrow that lingers all jumbled together & rushing me over the sharp edges toward something which I can’t yet see.

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Posted in I should be in therapy, Musings, What's in my Head

Swiss Cheese Brain

08 Nov

Haven’t written much lately….I still don’t know what to say & even if I did I’m not sure that it matters. I’ll be honest I’m feeling sad today. I have had 5 pretty good days in a row but I feel my feet slipping on the edge & I am so tired of fighting & trying to deal that slipping into & embracing the blackness sounds soothing…like slipping under my comforter & between the coolness of the sheets.

Recently (in fact I’m leaving it on the front page for awhile) I wrote my first ever music review. It was fun if stressful to write it. Fun because it allowed me to listen again & again to an amazing album…stressful because I wanted to do the album justice (among other things). I worked hard on it! Wrote, rested, re-wrote & finally came up with something I think might be pretty okay.

I’m confused & overwhelmed…I want to just walk away from my job & not look back. I don’t know that I’d actually be able to do it though. I’m so torn because I know that my leaving is coming at a bad time for the company yet it isn’t my responsibility…I also know I should finish out my lease on our house but I just want to have the army of friends & family amass itself on my front lawn for marching orders. I know I can’t manage all the packing & cleaning that needs to be done. Usually my brain breaks everything down into nice little lists & I can move through them with satisfaction as the check marks grow. Lately though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the simplest tasks…even reading which I can usually do to the detriment of all else holds no appeal. My brain is like Swiss cheese!

I have no idea how I got to be so unhappy (honestly I’m so depressed nothing puts a dent in it for long) with things. I’ve always loved the life I have with Abe. We may not have lots of money but we’ve always gotten by & enjoyed what we have. Our priority isn’t how much is in our savings, retirement & checking accounts. I know there are people who think we should focus more on accumulating money & finances in general–frankly they can piss off. I want a modicum of financial security but not at the expense of my relationships. Things haven’t been perfect but we’ve always managed & we will find a better place. Seriously, anybody who can pretend that they knew the economy was going to take a giant dump & leave so many people without jobs is fooling themselves. Anyway, my point is that in spite of or maybe because of our focus being on the people & time shared rather than money we have rich full lives in a way that we can never lose. Having families that share our celebrations & mundane days are precious…I need to remember that more often.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy because our focus has been altered by outside events: long term unemployment (economy is getting better my ass…), major health issues & suddenly money or the lack thereof is the lens through which everything is measured. Living with all of that has depleted me…I’m always ready to give: my time, my thoughts, my ears, my love & compassion–I haven’t taken time to require that I get the same back. I need to find my way back….it’s going to be hard ‘cuz I am not good at asking for help or accepting good things without arguing (I’m working on saying “Thank You” to compliments though).

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Posted in I should be in therapy, Musings, What's in my Head

A Little Bit of Patting My Own Back

23 Oct

As you may have noticed I don’t have a lot of positive stuff to say lately….tough is my first response to that observation. I’ve never been Ms. Positivity to begin with….the fact that things are craptastic right now hasn’t done anything to improve my outlook. For all you “count your blessings” people out there I say *blows raspberry* Jog On!

There is one small area that is going in the direction I want. I’m not going to look the gift (? really not so much a gift as my damn gallbladder…) horse in the mouth on this one but it seems I’m shrinking. I started out the year with the intent of getting into a better shape…well a more fit shape….I love looking like a girl & don’t want to lose all my nice round parts. However, I did decide that I needed to be more fit & have more stamina if I wanted to continue hike etc. So with a goal in mind & a WiiFit in my living room I embarked on my mission.

I did pretty good for a few months…slowly working up the length & intensity of my workouts until I was doing about an hour of rhythm boxing & step aerobics coupled with yoga. I felt pretty good about it too…coming home after a day in workhell & strapping on my Rykas, stepping on the Fit & off I’d go.

Then as spring progressed I started to feel more fatigued no matter how much sleep I got, stress piled up & my gallbladder bothered me to where I just couldn’t push myself to work out every day. It wasn’t long before the workouts came to a screeching halt. As you know I got a trip to the hospital in early August & that little “vacation” induced 2 weeks of nothing but clear liquids. Let me tell you that’ll make the scale seem friendlier in a hurry.

Anyway, now nearly 3 months later I’m still very careful what I eat (most of the time…if I do indulge in something it’s just a teeny bit ‘cuz the pain if I don’t would fell a hippo (which I’m resembling less all the time) so I avoid that like the plague). As a result I have shrunk a noticeable amount since January…I’m quite happy with the results. The slight downside (yet best indicator of my progress) is that none of my pants fit…I mean seriously it’s a little dangerous ‘cuz one good yank & the pants are at my ankles. Even the pair of jeans I bought that were 2 sizes smaller than my old ones are getting to be on the big side. I’m going to have to win the lottery at some point to get some better fitting attire…even if that means having everything I own altered to a smaller size.

I have a new goal in mind & part of that is to increase my flexibility with more yoga. Once I feel ok about having my picture taken (read NEVER, you can’t pay me enough to do it) I’ll post pics of me in my more compact size…. Overall though in spite of all the difficulties, struggles, depression & generally challenging times right now I feel like I deserve a little pat on the back.

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Posted in Clothes Make the Woman, What's in my Head

Familiarity Breeds….Fear of the Unknown

21 Oct

I don’t know what I’m doing…which for me is a huge problem. I always want to know where I’m headed. I like to have a plan of action, a course to follow, a map to read. I don’t mind taking detours if I’m not just wandering aimlessly. It’s the perfectionist (no that doesn’t apply to my housekeeping…I’m a slob when it comes to that, don’t judge me or I’ll point out your spelling & grammar mistakes) in me; the control freak who needs to know what’s coming. I dislike, no make that loathe, change. There’s so much going on right now & I’m a mess…I’m talking total disaster! It’s “call for federal aid, Hurricane (insert name here) has hit” time. It’s “She can’t take no more Cap’n, she’s starting to break” type stuff….

It’s been nearly 22 months since Abe was last employed. He’s done odd jobs here & there, taken every dollar of unemployment available, tried to make a go of Black Ash & More, applied for every job between here & Bedlam…problem is there just aren’t jobs. The few that are out there (and it’s VERY few) mostly don’t even make it feasible for him to drive to work ‘cuz the pay is so low & the number of miles too great. Of course I can already hear the “you should move” comments. If only it were just that simple…

We don’t have the finances to move…without going into that whole matter let’s just say that coming up with 2+ months rent isn’t going to happen. We’ve cleaned out the retirement accounts ages ago, our savings is gone…our credit….well we won’t go there either. Anything positive we had going came to a screeching halt 2 years ago & we’re sinking now. Not to mention the logistics….

Of course there are benefits…Abe can get a good job again. It’ll mean a lot to him & I will do anything to support him. Moving to the location we are considering would put us closer to his brother in Missouri & a lot closer to my family all of whom I do miss. Yet we’ll be further from his dad, his brother & wife and their boys up here. We won’t be that stone’s throw from the North Shore & all the places we’ve grown to love. The places that refresh my spirit & inspire my soul…the places I’m proud to know & to which I want to play travel guide for visiting friends. Will I ever visit again & feel the wonder that sinks deep into the core of me? I don’t know…right now everything is clouded. I’m not good with change…even when I want to make it. Right now I don’t want to make a change even though my logic tells me that it is what I must do.

I’m afraid….afraid that I’m never going to feel like me, that the people I care for & consider to be my close friends will decide that I’m too much work (I know, I know…my real friends won’t do that…doesn’t make the fear any less real), I’m afraid of losing myself.

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Posted in I should be in therapy, Musings, What's in my Head

Posts Tagged ‘depression’

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