Since I truly don’t know where to begin with everything I am just going to let my fingers walk across these keys & see what comes out….No forethought (a big thing for me…I like to know what direction I’m headed.  I don’t mind detours or the scenic route as long as the general destination is planned out) on writing this or if I’ll even publish it.  My brain is a gooey mass right now.  I’m sleep deprived after a bout of insomnia the last couple of nights like I haven’t had since before August.  I am sitting here in “my” chair with the laptop on my new little mini desk (So helpful to have such a handy husband) and I can barely keep my eyes open.  It’s been a quiet & relaxing day…a little grocery shopping this morning followed by a leisurely breakfast & a movie.  Hung my down comforter on the line today to soak up some sun…am looking forward to snuggling under it and smelling the scents of autumn.  We’ve had such beautiful sunny weather this last week.  In fact it was quite a bit warmer than most or our summer.  Still the grass isn’t the verdant green of summer & the leaves are well into their spectacular fiery death spasm.  The next few weeks will show more color gradually emerging & then one morning I will wake to find thick white frost covering my lawn & a blazing Crayola forest around me.  While I revel in the dog days of  summer this year I’m looking forward to it’s demise.  Being over half way through 2009 I can honestly say that it has held both some of the greatest & some of the lowest moments in my life.  I know that in years to come the great memories will take on that golden sheen of a sun-dappled oak–something to be brought out & relived in the quiet moments when I need a smile.

Right now the low moments hold sway…I’m battling something I’ve never faced before & feel completely out of my depth.  I know part of it is being sick & having no answers as to feeling truly better.  All I have are some ideas to get by with & the knowledge that according to the doctors there’s “nothing really wrong” with me.  It is beyond frustrating (and scary) to think of how sick I may have to be before they “fix” me.  On top of that I’m dealing with some very personal issues.  I’ve shared some of that on here already & some of it is kept personal for very good reasons.  I’ve delved pretty deeply into some issues that needed (and still do to some extent) to be dealt with.  Some of that writing has been available for everybody to read, some hasn’t (maybe never will) and some will be when I’ve polished the words to a high buff gloss.  One big thing I have really examined is grief.  There is a lot for me to sort out & I have released some of the deep grief I didn’t realize I was holding onto.  Some of that grief will always remain….it is part of loving deeply & valuing those who touch our lives in meaningful ways.  I will always miss them–Grandpa J, Grandma B, Chris, Justin–but I also learned from their lives & deaths.  As for the other things….I’m dealing with why I value myself less than I should.  I have a very difficult time seeing my good qualities & I need to change that.  Accepting a compliment (when they do come my way) is not an easy thing for me.  I’m more likely to brush it off with a self-deprecating remark than a simple, humble “Thank You”.  Not only is it impolite (I was raised better than that) but it also devalues the person who gives the compliment…and that is not fair to them.  (I am all about fair–I know “life isn’t fair” but it should be & if I can make it more so than I try to do just that.)  There are more things but I’m keeping them to myself.

I have been very blessed in the last couple months to receive an amazing amount of kindness, support & encouragement from a group of people that have graced me with their presence in my Twitter stream.  I have some very dear friends that I met there.  You may laugh behind your hand at me (or maybe to my face) but sitting in a hospital room at night is very lonely–I gained many new friends during those 5 days (thanks to the urging of a dear friend who insisted I needed cheering up) & find them to be delightful.  All of us have our down days where our words don’t flow right or our paints feel lumpy & leaden on the canvas.  When those days plod along there are many others who send words of encouragement & commiseration at the flighty nature of the Muse.  It is like a far-flung artists colony where triumphs & frustrations are shared along the wild interwebz path.  In this digital age it is easy to become isolated in your work, to feel the up & down of your craft alone.  As a very dear friend reminded me this spring, authors (and painters, sculpters etc) used to write long letters sharing their lives, pushing each other to take risks & encouraging each other.  While that era is long past for the most part (to our detriment in some ways) the magic of Twitter let’s us do it instantly & creatively in 140 characters or less.

I guess I’m still on the fence about continuing my writing…while I do love the process in many ways I just don’t know if I can keep doing it.  When i walked away from writing 10 years ago I did it without thinking about it…it just happened gradually.  When I started this blog it was with intent…to chronicle my life so that someday my children (Dear God, ummm….I want kids & I’m not getting younger.  Not that you don’t know but just a posty note reminder.) will be able to know me in a different way.  I also wanted to be able to tell the stories of my life to anybody interested…if they find comfort, encouragement, laughter, joy, peace & love in some small measure than my words have done what I most want to do in this world.  Lately writing has been my way of banishing some of my pain for a brief moment & I’ve come to wonder if I’m not just depressing the hell out of the 2 readers (I know there are in reality more of you & I adore you for reading! *mwah*) I have.  Just because I want to sleep until further notice so as to avoid the random sobbing &  other mood swings doesn’t mean I need to inflict it on y’all.  Add to that the feeling that I’ve fallen into the pit of despair (ROFLMAO… I do so love “The Princess Bride”) and I so dislike this version of me (I’m always sarcastic, outspoken & snotty….I’m just a lot more mean than usual) that I look in the mirror less than normal (which anybody that knows me understands I’ve basically covered all reflective surfaces).  I didn’t know I could loathe myself more than I did before…really a rather unpleasant surprise to find I was wrong.  So I’m putting this out there–more for me to see if I feel that I should continue writing–because I’ve always wanted to be a writer…in fact I am a writer, it is whether or not I choose to actively write.  There is much in me that cries out to be put on the page either as prose or as poetry–whether I am equal to that task remains in question.

Empathy: em·pa·thy Pronunciation: \?em-p?-th?\ Function: noun

With all the emotions that have churned up lately I’ve been on a less than even keel. (I know you’re shocked by that as I”m sure you couldn’t tell from all the crazy that’s been bleeding out around here…)

It’s been a down couple of days for me again.  There are a few obvious reasons (cold cloudy weather fit for late October, PMS, exhausted (damn gallbladder), stress (damn job) & of course general life.  I also have been contemplating a less apparent but no less real reason for my emotional turmoil.

I’ve always been emotionally volatile.  No matter how much I may try to close off that part of me it never lasts long… I talk a pretty tough with myself at times. “Brush it off”, I’ll scold myself. “It’s no big deal”, I’ll tell my reflection when I feel some depression or giddiness setting in.  And I do get giddy…it just may not be as apparent  as teh depressed/sad/blue/cryinginthebeer times.  Maybe it’s due to me finding the joyful times more natural.  I want to feel that joyful, heart-swelling emotion & I loathe the dark, sinking in the mattress emotion.

Not that I’m a Pollyanna–far from it! I’m naturally pessimistic; just in a sort of jovial way.  I’m the one who ALWAYS looks the gift horse in the mouth.  Usually someone is drinking my milkshake (pardon the obvious over-used cultural reference there).

So what’s all this have to do with empathy anyway?   Well it sort of goes back to what I was saying about perspectives a few posts back.  Lately I’ve been seeing everything through multiple perspectives…it’s how I view the world really.  Not just through my own filter but I also try to look at it from others’ as well.  I’ve really begun to think that all this emotional hurricane I’m caught in isn’t just coming from my own life.

Yes I’m manifesting the sadness, irritablity, anger, frustration, and weighed down feelings of depression but how could this massive tidal wave be generated by a single person?  It’s becoming more clear to me that one person can’t produce the crushing weight I’ve felt these last months. However, one person, closely linked emotionally with other can…

For instance, I know that when Abe is upset, frustrated & feeling angry (I’m guessing…the man does not share his emotions in an open manner) about the lack of jobs; I will reflect those feelings even if my beginning mood is light & happy.  I also know that when Mom is feeling that “sinking in the pit of the stomach” feeling I will also feel it.  Often we’ll end up on the phone questioning each other–trying to figure out the source of that sinking feeling.  Usually when this happens it bodes ill for someone to whom we are close.  Not always in a total doom & gloom sense either…sometimes it just means a very inconvenient flat tire, a fall off a stepladder or a broken limb.  Mom & I always breathe a deep sigh of relief when the crisis is recognized & nobody’s dead.

Yet this empathy that I display isn’t always negative.  A couple weeks ago I was positively bouncing with glee at the prospect of Pete coming home to his family.  Naturally I would be glad to see him…he’s my brother-in-law.  My level of excitement was beyond that though–it came not only from me but also Abe (happy to hang out with his brother again), Anne (SO excited to be reunited with her husband); & Alec who literally bounced off walls & furniture in his eagerness for Dad to be home so they could play hide-n-seek.  All that emotion seemed to channel straight into me.  When Anne called crying & disappointed at an unforeseen delay I immediately felt her deep letdown.  Hearing that disappointment made me want to cry too.

Funny (in an odd awkward kind of way — not haha kind of way) enough it’s not just those that I spend time with “in real life” but also my extended group of friends that I am close with through the wonder of the interwebz.  If I happen to catch a blast of some emotion being felt strongly my spirit will reflect it in short order.  I identify with emotions I’ve never experienced.  The loss of a child causes me to grieve…no matter that I don’t have a child of my own.  A birth, an engagement & job promotion & my spirit soars to join in the joy.

Now that I’ve recognized this empathy that I’m experiencing I need to find a way to deal with it.  While I feel it’s a gift to identify with others & their emotions it tends to drown out ME.  I need to create a way to show those I care about that I identify with them in their emotional state without letting it overcome what I am personally feeling.  How I go about that I don’t know.  I do know I can’t let go of the empathy…that would be doing a disservice to those who need to know that someone, somewhere understands what they feel in a given situation.  While I can’t always articulate my empathy I can be there to hold a hand, provide a shoulder or ear, open my arms  for a hug, let my tears give voice to grief or anger & my smile can share the joy.  Now if only I could find a file cabinet for all this & sort it alphabetically into color-coded folders….that would sure help in dealing with it all.

Tomorrow June 8th will mark one year of being without a dear friend.  It’s been a long year…and it was filled with the deepest sorrow & the greatest joy.  I’m reflecting & wondering if I’ve taken anything with me over this last year.  Have I “learned” anything?

I’ll never forget the phone call…I wish I could.  Learning that Chris was gone & had made the choice to do so by his own hand is something that will never leave me.  Part of me (and everybody that knew & loved him) will always wonder if there was something we could have done, some sign we should have seen.  Rather than dwelling on that which will never be answered in this life I want to focus on what we miss.  Chris was his own person…crazy at times.  He had a great sense of humor & we very much enjoyed when he’d visit us here in Minnesota.  Our recent trip to Missouri was a little bittersweet as we hadn’t been down there since before he died.  We had fun but it’s hard not to think of all the stuff we would have enjoyed just a little bit more if Chris would have been there.  He is greatly missed & we were proud to know him.  He had served his country too & we are poorer as a nation for having lost a man who took great pride in fulfilling his duty.

A mere 5 days after losing Chris we suffered another loss–another friend & my sister-in-law’s brother–took his own life after a very difficult battle with mental illness.  It’s another phone call I wish I could erase from my memory.  Hearing my brother’s grief & shock over the phone is something I’ll never be able to forget.  Justin was a man who loved his kids very much.  He loved to spend time with family, golf & hunt along with many other things.  It was & still is heartbreaking to know that he sincerely felt he had no way out of a terrible situation.  Again Justin is greatly missed & our thoughts and prayers remain with his children every day…that they may grow to know all the good about their father & be spared the lasting effects of pain that his loss has caused.

Of course we also experienced some blessed additions to our life.  We gained a sister-in-law & are so happy to have her in our clan.  It was wonderful to see A & A pledged themselves together so soon after the losses we experienced.  Their joyful celebration helped us to move on & take the time to express joy in the midst of such tremendous sorrow.  With their anniversary approaching I want to again wish them a long & happy life together.  I know that you have both struggled during this first year–the jobs, the travel etc have been difficult–press on & hold tight to each other; this will see you through to brighter days.

I can’t forget about the nephews that joined us….seeing them in their innocence is beyond anything words can express.  It is a precious gift indeed to be able to watch them grow, hear them laugh & participate in their lives.  We are very thankful that our lives allow us the time & energy to spend with them.

What I wanted most to reflect on was did I gain anything from this past year….and while I might not always show it the answer is yes.  I’ve reconnected with a friend after too many long years.  It is a blessing to find her back in my life in the small ways we connect.  Much has changed but the renewed & new aspects are added strength in my life.  I have also made many new friends…some of them I’m still getting to know & others have become very dear to me in what seems like the blink of an eye.  I have learned many new things & have dusted off some old dreams as a result.  There are more days where I embrace living–something I am still working on & will for the rest of my days–yet I find there are more days where I find small moments to cherish.  I continue to work at letting all those who hold a place in my life & heart know how much they mean to me.  There will never be enough words for me to tell Hubby all that he means to me.  The same goes for our families & close friends.  I am beyond blessed to have some many who cheer me on, laugh with me, cry with me, encourage me & hold me up when the waves of life come rushing in faster than I can handle alone.

It is a difficult thing for me to let others in.  I want to hold those I care for most at arm’s length many times.  I am ruled by my emotions (I know you’re so surprised) & there are times where the sheer joy or sorrow threaten to break my heart.  Lately I have become even more aware of how important it is to grasp that with both fists.  That for me is living to the fullest…every smile, laugh, tear & scowl are what comprise my life.  To be so blessed with the additions of family & friends in one year has enriched & brightened the threads of my life.

Today when I opened my Internet Explorer (I was at work….we don’t get to use Firefox) and the MSN headline stared me in the face….10 years since Columbine.  Seeing that headline zapped me instantly across time.  I was in my 1st year out of college back then.  I don’t remember where I was when I heard but I remember clearly the images from that day.  I remember the shocked faces, grieving over the senseless violence that shattered our whole nation that day.  I remember the talking heads on television and the drivel they spouted.  Everyone looked for a reason in this madness.  Promises were made that it wouldn’t happen again.  Politicians proclaimed this was a serious event & solutions would be found so no child, parent, community would suffer this loss again.  The nation made vows that such tragedy would not strike against us again.

Of course it’s happened many times since then.  Each incident another gash in our side, a tear in the fabric of our lives.  We’ve seen it happen in Red Lake, Minnesota and again at Virginia Tech (and more places than I care to remember).  Every time a piece of my heart broke too…How can you not look on such meaningless loss without being changed?

Those aren’t the only things we’ve seen…We’ve lost our innocence in so many ways.  Since that terrible day we’ve seen a terrorist attack that devastated us & sent us into war.  We still remember…it is impossible to forget.  Our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, friends and strangers are giving their lives on foreign soil every day.  We should never forget…It’s is the supreme sacrifice we have asked of them.  They have answered the call.

Still we think it’s more important to fight over who is right & who is left.  We have forgotten what it means to gather together, stand shoulder to shoulder & say in one voice…. WE THE PEOPLE. To hold our elected officials accountable to our voice. Instead the policitians have sold us out to the highest, sleaziest bidder.  We bicker & lay blame rather than finding common ground.  We tear ourselves apart & leave the carrion to be picked apart by our enemies.

Where has our self-respect gone?  Where has that hand extended in friendship?  Must we be so stubborn that our children are lost in the hue & cry we make?  We ignore our most precious asset, shove them aside, push the blame from our own homes onto society.  I don’t have answers but I know something is lacking deep within us.  Accountablity to ourselves, to others, to our children in the face of society so willing to point outward when assigning blame.  I say examine deep within yourself….take this time to grab hold of what is dearest & best.  Lay aside the pettiness because your neighbor voted for “the other guy” whoever that may be…let’s put the protection of our future at the forefront of our lives.  Truly embrace the lessons we should have learned 10 years ago; see how much better our world will be.

This is quite a long story & it requires some background for those of you who don’t know me.  Bear with me because the truth is in fact much, much stranger than fiction…

We live in a small town in northern Minnesota.  We moved to the house we now live in on January 1st, 2006.  It’s a small one story house on 17 acres right on the city limits.  We are recessed off the highway & have many trees surrounding us so we aren’t visible from the road.  We really like it here & wish we could buy it.  At the time we moved in Hubby was commuting to the Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul) every week for work.  He would leave around 4 am on Monday & be home in the late afternoon on Friday.  I hated it but there wasn’t another choice.  Of course that meant I had to deal with everything on my own….house, yard, dogs, work…and a homicide investigation.

It was late March or early April & I was at work.  I was in the back when I heard an authoritative male voice up front ask for me.  I nervously walked around the filing cabinets & was confronted by a tall man with gray hair dressed in solid black.  He had a large walkie-talkie on one side of his belt & a very large gun on the other.  He brandished a sheaf of papers at me & asked if we could talk somewhere private.  The man introduced himself as a detective with the Minnesota BCA (Bureau of Criminal Apprehension) & explained the papers were a search warrant for my house, yard & outbuildings.  Needless to say I was stunned. He explained that I had to go with him immediately as there was a search team waiting for me to clear out of my house.  I was offered the opportunity to stay at the local hotel (which wouldn’t take my dogs) or find a friend’s house.  I went back to my desk, grabbed my purse & keys & followed the detective out to my house with a county deputy behind me.

(Some quick background on the why of all this.  In November 2006 a local man went missing.  He was last seen north of town on Halloween night.  His body was found near the road in early March 2007.  He was without clothing etc.  Foul play was immediately suspected.  A local couple were the last people to see him alive.  The couple are often in trouble with the law for various reasons.  The local couple was hired to clean up & repaint our house to work off some money they owed our landlord.  The BCA believed that the couple were using our house as a base for drugs during the time it was supposed to be getting cleaned & repainted.  The BCA believed that an argument over drugs is what caused the homicide.)

As I pulled into my driveway I saw a team of about 12 people all dressed in black satin baseball jackets standing the middle of the yard.  All of them looked anxious.  My 2 dogs were freaking out inside, running around, hitting the patio door and barking.  I managed to squeeze through the front door with a deputy right on my heels.  I rounded up the dogs & got them into the car.  Then back into the house with 2 deputies to follow my every move.  Seems they suspected that the local man who had been missing & subsequently found dead had been murdered in my house.  The sheaf of papers I now took the time to read said the BCA was looking for evidence including but not limited to human tissue, blood, hair and many other things.  I had to pack up & leave for 3 days.  They would call me when I was allowed back.

I was bawling by this time.  Home alone with no possibility of Hubby coming back early, kicked out of my house & now possibly having tampered with evidence in a homicide case (although they assured me I couldn’t have known that so they were going to follow me while I packed to make sure I didn’t disturb anything further….of course we had been living in the house for just over 3 months so I’m sure any evidence was already gone)

Now I am trying to think what all I will need for 3 days (plus anything I don’t want a bunch of strange men pawing through), crying hysterically and being followed around my house.  Part of me wanted to wander in circles just to see what the officers would do…the rest of me was afraid I’d have a stroke.  As I’m about to walk from the bedroom into the adjoining bathroom one of the deputies starts to follow…he did pause for a split second to make sure I wasn’t going to use it.  I grabbed my toiletries & threw them in the suitcase.  I tried to think about clothes for work.  I had a heck of a time trying to determine the amount of underwear that I would need.  Not to mention trying to keep the officers from seeing it.  (By the way, very uncomfortable pulling your delicates out of drawers while strangers watch….also, it’s hard  not to feel judged on your choices.)

I finally managed to pack what seemed like an adequate wardrobe (I was grossly mistaken I found out later) & get everything out to the car.  The deputies did help me carry stuff which was nice.  As I drove out of the driveway I could see the doors being propped open & a swarm of black flooding into my home, my haven, my quiet place.

I drove to a friend’s house where I proceeded to become more distraught at the thought of a man’s life having ended brutally in my house.  After calming down a bit I looked in my suitcase to discover I had packed no pajamas, 2 bags of coffee beans, no socks, 3 times the underwear I would need in a month, 2 pairs of heels, some work clothes & miscellaneous stuff I couldn’t possibly need in 3 days.

I did drive out to the house late afternoon on day 2 just to peek in the windows.  I was appalled at what I saw.  All my bedroom furniture etc was piled in my living room like so much stuff at the dump.  Too heartsick & scared to look further I left.

Finally on day 3 the detective heading up the investigation stopped by my office in the afternoon to return my keys, have me sign a paper & inform me that they had indeed found evidence in my bedroom.  He promised to keep me posted & that he would send someone over to repair the one wall.

Reluctantly I went home that night to my barely put together house.  I vacuumed the carpets, made the bed & snuggled with the dogs.  I did my best to ignore the two gaping holes in the west wall where the BCA had cut the drywall out as evidence.  It took a couple weeks to get the patching done & the wall repainted.  I had the painter use an accent color since there was no way we were going to be able to match the rest of the room.  It took considerably longer for me to feel comfortable sleeping in a room where a man had been shot & killed.  For a long time (and I’m still not totally comfortable with it) I was almost completely unable to go outside alone after dark.  I had to stand w/my back pressed to the side of the house.  Sometimes I felt I could see the outline of a man standing off shed in my backyard.  I did determine (and with God’s help have managed) that I was not going to let fear ruin my haven here.  I am thankful to still feel safe here in this house.  We enjoy our time here & the privacy it offers.  My prayer is that one day the people responsible for this horrendous act will be brought to justice.

There still have not been any arrests in connection with this case.  The evidence that was found (a blood pool seeped into the concrete under my carpet & blood splatter on the drywall) was not enough without the weapons (a shotgun & some sort of blunt instrument) to get arrest warrants.  The police believe the body may have been stored in a building across the road from our house until it was dumped by the road that March.  When people start to talk about a “bad day at work” I have been known to say “Unless you got served with a search warrant in connection with a homicide investigation, followed by an officer while packing your underwear, kicked out of your house while people rummaged through everything & then discovered somebody was shot in your bedroom it wasn’t so bad.”

The following is from a note I posted on my facebook page. It sums up why I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. It’s also what’s consuming my thoughts lately so I’m bringing it over here. I promise to find something else to talk about soon.

I don’t even know how to describe this past week. On Monday (June 9th) we received the news that a friend (more like extended family member) of ours had shot himself. As we tried to come to grips with the this tragic loss another phone call arrived today (June 13th). Another friend (extended family member) has also committed suicide.
The double shock of these tragedies is unspeakable. One friend (Chris) was a veteran of 2 tours in the Iraqi war. He was only 24. A great guy who didn’t think he had any reason to stay around. The voices & struggles became too much to bear. He left behind family & friends who will never forget him.

Chris playing pool at an Erickson family Christmas.

The other friend (Justin) left behind a wife & 3 young children not to mention other family & friends. A husband, father, brother & friend who couldn’t deal with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He was only 30. Someone who had so much to stay around for & yet he couldn’t bring himself to stay. He will never be forgotten either.
All of this makes me heartsick. How utterly senseless that this happened. Two young men who were without hope. If only they had felt that someone, anyone was there to listen.

Justin toasting my brother Robert & his wife Jillian.

God is there….but we need to be his voice sometimes. We need to show those around us (friends, family, acquaintances & perfect strangers) who may be feeling desperate & without hope. Our words & deeds may be what stands between someone’s attempt to end their life & a decision to reach out for help.
Please pray for the families of these two men. The coming days, etc are going to be very difficult.