With my trial membership activated I decided to go as much as possible during the month in hopes of getting into the habit of exercising every day.  Not that chasing a 17 month old & carrying a baby aren’t exercise cuz believe me they are… but I need a formal program to get my butt into a better shape.  So I’ve been to the gym twice more since Friday.  Monday I did stair stepper, walked the track to cool down a bit, did the elliptical & then some free weights.  Wednesday I did 10 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the treadmill (this included ACTUAL RUNNING—I blame the running on Shadow Gallery…their song Venom is in my workout mix & it just doesn’t work to walk to that song) & then 15-20 minutes of free weights.  I woke up Thursday morning & my whole body hurt like hell…my muscles ached & I woke with a sore throat too.

I did force myself to go to the gym on Thursday night.  I did some time on the elliptical and then went to the treadmill.  I started out walking at a decent pace—no ambling, sight-seeing type walk.  Then Disturbed came blasting through my headphones & off I went running  jogging.  I say running because it’s as close to running as I’m willing to get.  Not only am I not in running shape (if I trip I’d roll like an ever growing snowball in a cartoon) but I’m not built for speed…In fact I don’t think there’s a sports bra in existence that would withstand the punishment I’d unleash on it.

Anyway, after my elliptical & treadmill I headed over to the free weights for some strength training.  I did my usual lifts & then grabbed the small medicine ball for some oblique twists.  As I finished with the oblique twists the guy that was working the desk walked by & we started chatting.  He told me that I looked like I was killing it on the weights & twists.  I was glad to get the positive feedback from a total stranger.  Good to know that I don’t look like a total fool.

Friday I went to the main gym & Zumba’d with my sister-in-law Zia.  It was a good time but I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out the steps & keep pace while modifying some of the moves that I’m not getting as good of a workout.  I was sweaty after the 45 minute class was done though so I may keep trying that class once a week.

This morning I only got in 15 minutes on the elliptical before I had to go as children/life butted in quite rudely.  However, I pushed myself those 15 minutes & felt okay about it.  Tomorrow was going to be a day of rest but now I’m thinking I may try to go just to keep the momentum going.

After the workout I did a little shopping in the afternoon.  Well, mostly I returned a bunch of workout clothes I had purchased to try on.  I kept one top & returned 3 pairs of pants.  The biggest reason I returned the pants was I couldn’t decide which size to keep.  Currently I’m in a size 18/20 but I tried on the 14/16 and while they are form-fitting they aren’t ridiculously tight.  It’s been a long time since I could even think of trying on 14/16 pants so I decided to wait on purchasing anything and see where I am after the beginning of 2012. Especially since I’m participating in the 2011 Reverse Resolution Challenge over at Fit This, Girl…I am excited to see how I fare through the holiday season.

Today I had the wild idea of participating in the 2011 Jingle Bell 5k run/walk here in Sioux Falls.  It is Friday, November 26th in the evening.  I’ve done 2 5k run/walk events in the past (I walked both) & would like to do some again.  What better time to start then while I’m working hard at working out?

I’ll keep you posted on what I decide to do…now I better go cuz Marit is missing her mommy.

Editor’s note: I started writing this on Monday, October 10th.  As you can tell I didn’t get it finished then…it has taken me nearly 2 weeks to finish this post.  Enjoy the flashback. ~nil

Abe had to finish up some work in Dickinson, ND this past week (Oct 3-7) which meant leaving me & the kids on our own.  I decided pretty quickly that I wasn’t quite ready to do it all on my own 24/7 so I talked Mom into “letting” us stay for as long as I needed.  (I admitted I needed help; I must be growing up….)

Bright & early Monday I was awakened by the dogs barking at the Fed-Ex man.  He was about to leave a note when I pelted down to the front door.  Dressed in a long sleeved tshirt, no glasses (or pants), barely conscious I managed to take delivery of my replacement phone.  Were I looking more fetching I’m sure me, answering the door sans pants, would have been the Fed-Ex guy’s favorite stop of the day…

Anyway, I managed to pack everything the three of us would need for a week, take a shower & get both kids ready and in the car by just a after 1.  A fairly quick stop at Verizon to get the new phone activated and we were on our way to the farm.  Magnus was very excited to see Grandma B & I was happy to let him chase after Grandma.  It was a really good week & things went very smoothly.  Magnus only had one night where he decided to have a screaming fit at O’dark-thirty.  We spent one afternoon in Tyler playing with the cousins & Auntie Jenn took some photos of Marit.  We also got to spend time with Auntie Zia & cousin JaZiah.

Magnus was working on his walking while we were at the farm.  He will take one or two steps on his own when he wants to but simply refuses to just let go and really go for it. (yeah, don’t we all have that problem with so many different things in life?!)  Magnus also worked on his words…he doesn’t speak English but rather he has a language all his own.  He babbles non-stop but I’m the only one who really understands a lot of it.  He will say a few words: dog, cup, juice, Momma & his big favorite is “Wow”.  He has two kinds of wow.  The first is just a plain spoken “wow” in a normal tone of voice.  The second is the one that means he is really impressed with something.  His little mouth forms a perfect “O’, his voice drops to a whisper & he says, “Woooow”.  There’s almost a hint of “wh” in it and his eyes get really big, eyebrows arched super high.   It is the funniest thing & so fun to see Magnus delight in discovering his world.

Anyway, Friday we saw Auntie Beth & then headed for home.  I called Abe to see where he was only to find out he had arrived home about 4:30 AM.  Here I had thought he was driving back from ND and he was already home.  The kids & I hurried home & Magnus was beyond excited to see Daddy.

Saturday we bummed around town & visited a few shops because it was gorgeous outside so we took a stroll through downtown Sioux Falls.  We also met up with my brother & his family at a local orchard where there was a harvest festival.  Magnus wasn’t too keen on getting his photo taken with a pumpkin but I did manage to snap a couple of Marit.

After a little time in the pumpkin patch we walked over to the main event area.  There were more places to take photos (hay bales, pumpkins etc… we didn’t avail ourselves of them though as none of us were dressed for proper photos), a general store, food vendors, pony rides, bouncy castles & a petty zoo.  The pony rides were too expensive & Magnus is still a bit young, the bouncy castles were serious trauma waiting to happen so into the petting zoo area we went.  Magnus wasn’t very impressed with the goats or donkeys but he LOVED the little chickens.  I don’t know exactly what kind they were but I know they were a bantam breed.  Very cute little gray speckled chickens with bright red combs…Abe & Magnus got down close to the fence & watched the chickens pecking in the dirt.  Magnus was full of chatter about the little chickens & he kept pointing to their pen as he talked about them.  We kept going back to the pen because he didn’t want to say goodbye.

Sunday we went watched the Vikings lose (again) before going out again & to run errands in the afternoon.  We did the basic Target/Wal-mart/Hy-vee run.  After that we decided to meet up with my brother Rob & his family for dinner.  After much texting back & forth we decided to try the new hibachi/sushi place that recently opened.

Tokoyo Sushi & Hibachi is a nice casual restaurant & is fairly kid friendly.  The food was fantastic!  Easily the best fried rice in town.  I am looking forward to saving our pennies & trying some of the more spendy items on the menu (lobster, shrimp, maybe even the squid if I’m feeling brave).

Anyway, Magnus was in awe from the second the chef created his trademark fireball.  Magnus immediately began to clap & the “Woooow!” in full sotto voce was heard about 1000 times. The more the chef showed off his skills with the spatula & fork the more Magnus clapped & bounced on my lap.  His cousin, Grayson, was equally impressed & kept waving his hands in the air like he was starting “the wave” at a sporting event.  I’m pretty sure that no matter how long that chef cooks he will never find a more appreciative audience than our boys were that night.  Magnus thoroughly enjoyed the fried rice & chicken as well as the taste of shrimp tempura. These were jumbo shrimp & I had to fight for my share as Magnus wasn’t keen on sharing.

All in all it was a fun night out & made even better by having Magnus along.

I did get to go out later that afternoon when Abe got home to finish running my errands.  Abe was wonderful & kept both kids for the hour I was out.  I hit Verizon for a portable wifi device & then Wal-mart for the antibiotics.  There was a lot of standing in line which tested my patience.  Walking to checkout I spied the women’s section & something in bright pink.  A quick detour showed that yoga pants (the nice ones from Danskin) were not only in my size (I was hoping) but a very reasonable $12.  I knew time was running short so into the self-check lane, a quick stop at Subway & off to home.  Everything was well under control when I got home (much to my relief but not to my surprise).  Marit was ready to eat so everybody had dinner & we vegged out on the couch.  I tried on my new pants and after a little LOT of obsessing decided they don’t look awful & I can wear them in public w/o being openly ridiculed.

Wednesday night was not a good night.  Magnus was up a lot with his ear ache & Marit decided she didn’t want to sleep her normal 4 hour cycles.  Thursday dawn found me blearily dealing with diaper changes & finding all the stuff I needed to take along for a day at my sister-in-law’s house.  Her usual daycare helper was gone so I went over to lend a hand with the 5 kids she watches.  Add in my 2, her 1 & the one kid that comes after school is out & it was chaos.  All of us were exhausted when we crashed at home later that night.

In the meantime (great, now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day…) I was listening to Falling Deeper by Anathema & trying to formulate a review for Dante’s Prog Blog Inferno.  I was procrastinating as I much prefer to be the silent editor & gal Friday over there.  However there was much insisting that I get with the program & just write already.

Friday morning I was able to sleep a little later & we had a nicely relaxed start to our day.  Errands & browsing for home decor with my sister-in-law Jilli in the afternoon went fine & the kids were great.  We ended the night with dinner out at Tinner’s (mmmm… egg & cheese burger), dessert at PeachWave (blueberry cheesecake fro-yo is teh nomz) & eventually home to tuck the kids in bed.  I attempted to write my review that night but didn’t get more than the opening paragraph done.

We were out again on Saturday morning & moving considerably more slowly.  Abe helped my brother & sister-in-law pick out doors for their basement which is slowly being finished.  Then the guys went to unload the doors & do “man stuff” while we girls (Marit included) went to the giant craft show at the convention center.  I popped Marit into her sling & into the hoard we went.  There was a lot of nice stuff but I was mainly there to browse.  I did find a very cute dress, knit hat & headband w/flowers for Marit in one of the doll clothes booths.  I looked in some of the other booths for a Halloween costume but didn’t get anything.  I may have to look again & get one of the fairy dresses…they are too cute for words.

After all our roaming about was done we spent the night in & relaxed.  I finally managed to write my review & then it was bed where we all got a pretty decent night sleep.  Today is football day & the Vikings haven’t totally fallen apart….yet.  This week should be a quiet one though we are hoping for a visit from Grandma B.  Hope you all have restful weekends & can face the week ready to tuck & roll as each day comes.

Abe & I have wanted kids since the beginning of our relationship.  It was just something that wasn’t even discussed much we both just knew that we wanted to have children as part of our family.  It took a long time to realize that dream…in fact we had reached the point where we had tacitly agreed that having our own kids probably was never going to happen.  So we worked hard at being aunt & uncle to some great nephews & a niece.  Then beyond explanation suddenly I was pregnant.  The look of disbelief on our faces when that little home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines at 5:30 am had to be one of the more priceless moments in our lives.

I did my best to eat right, exercise, drink lots of water and all the other things good expectant mothers do.  Then the trouble started.  I was ordered to bed rest (fortunately not total confinement or I would have lost my mind) & made many, many trips to the doctor to monitor my blood pressure & other factors for preeclampsia.  About a week before my due date the hospital called & told me to come in right away.  I was in danger with preeclampsia & they needed to induce labor.  I packed a bag for myself, a bag for Abe (he was at work) and drove myself to the hospital.  Abe met me & thus began the grueling process of having Magnus.  With Magnus safely born & in the NICU I was sent to a room to recover from my c-section and to get my blood pressure under control.

Nearly a week went by from the day Magnus was born until we were released from the hospital.  Magnus had spent 5 days in NICU, I had spent 7 days total in the hospital—I hadn’t ever been alone with him.  We hadn’t changed a diaper until he was 3 days old & I was struggling to breast feed.  All the drugs that I had during the labor induction & the following days were slowing down my body’s natural responses.  I was totally lost.  I would end up sitting in the bathroom of my hospital room at 2:30 am sobbing uncontrollably.  I had no idea what to do with this little life I had so desperately desired.  My instinct was to tell the nurses that I couldn’t take him home.  He was so tiny, so helpless & he needed me.

I talked to my doctor (and I urge any woman who is feeling lost & helpless to tell their doctor) we upped my depression medication which helped.  I still had feelings of being totally out of my element.  No matter what you read, study, or plan it goes right out the window when reality slams into your dreams of what having a baby will be like.  Forget the co-sleep/don’t co-sleep, circumcize/don’t circumcize, breast/bottle debates.  Do what works for you!  There is no reason it is anybody’s business why you parent in a certain manner.  No matter what you do half the population will tell you it is wrong.

The truth is that nobody really knows what they are doing.  Every day is an experiment in controlled insanity—do your best & what’s healthy for your baby.  If that means in order to get some sleep the baby sleeps with you then so be it.  Use a proper co-sleeping bassinet that either fits between the parents or close to the side of the bed.  There are many different options for that.  The same goes for breastfeeding.  Some women simply are unable to breastfeed.  This does NOT make them poor mothers…it makes them human & subject to the vagaries of the human condition.  As long as your baby is fed, healthy & happy is doesn’t matter how you accomplish that.  Be proud of taking care of your child—that is the MOST important thing.

There are many opinions on how to nurture, raise & discipline your children.  Right now my struggle is what do I do with a kid that just refuses to sleep sometimes?  He is upstairs in his pack n play with a pacifier, his blankie & a cup of juice…all the things that he needs to nap.  Instead he is crying & screaming his head off.  I’ve tried the Ferber method of letting him cry…it doesn’t work with my son.  He will scream for hours at a time if left alone.  I simply can’t bear it…it makes my heart hurt to hear him cry like that.  So in a couple minutes I will go up & pick him up, cuddle him close & try rocking him.  He will fight me, he does every time.  I think about what will happen when there are two of them…& I panic a little.

That statement really struck me because there are a lot of people that I know that don’t want kids, don’t understand why anybody would, don’t understand kids even.  Some of those people think that Abe & I are crazy to have had Magnus let alone have Marit on the way.  To them kids are a burden, an inconvenience & something that should be avoided to stop all the problems in the world.  To know that this Twitter friend, whom I don’t know that well, is happy for me to have the kids I have always wanted was incredibly nice.  It got me thinking too…

Why am I a parent? What is it about having kids that made me want my own?

Let me begin with the disclaimer.  There are days where I would sell my kid for a bottle of vodka, or a movie ticket.  There are days where I want to curl up in a corner & cry after ripping out my hair in frustration.  My amazing Magnus is only 1 so I know I have a lifetime of those days coming my way.  However, there is so much that wipes out those moments/days.

Watching Magnus discover new things is so much fun.  He has been working on eating with a fork; he learned about ranch dressing & ketchup last weekend; & he has been slowly (very slowly cuz Momma says so) exploring our 2 stories of wooden stairs.  It is really fun to watch the world develop through brand new eyes.  Seeing the wonder of discovering a new animal or a new sound…something I don’t remember from my own childhood.  I get to experience everything a second time & truly appreciate the world.

The feel of those tiny arms wrapping around my neck as Magnus snuggles into me with his blanket for a nap.  How can your heart not swell with joy & the purest love in those moments?  And that’s what having kids comes down to for me.  The chance, the opportunity to share life with a new person.  To share in their growth, their triumphs and especially their disappointments.  Nobody will ever be able to protect them from every hurt (no matter how much we desperately want to do so) but we can share the burden, lighten the feeling of loss when it occurs.

That moment when you first look into a child’s eyes & see the love they have for you…in spite of your faults, your failures, your hang-ups.  To know that no matter how out of shape you are or how broke you are that little person doesn’t care.  All they know is you love them & they return it without hesitation.

Sadly, as kids get older that initial wonder wears off, they grow up & become adults that sometimes stray from what you dreamed for them.  There’s a pain associated with being estranged from your older children that I pray I never have to experience.  I’ve watched friends go through it & I can’t imagine the pain it causes.  Yet I know they still would welcome those kids home with open arms if ever they were asked.

Being a parent is the most difficult & yet most amazing job ever.  It is NOT for the faint of heart…it is filled with joy, grief & even fear but I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything.  They are the best parts of me—realized.

I have a lot in my head but it is hard to put to the page.  This month is flying by in many ways though some days seem to drag.
The heat has been record setting and there is no end in sight.  Normally I don’t mind the heat & humidity of our summers here.  This year with Magnus & a baby on the way I just want cooler weather.  The lack of air conditioning in the house really makes daily chores a nightmare.  I get overheated trying to clean or cook and my first priority has to be how I feel.  I am praying for a few days of cooler weather soon…I need to get stuff done.

Overall I feel pretty good with the pregnancy though.  I have only gained about 10 pounds so far which I’m very happy about.  The weight I already have seems to be moving around though so I’m finding that my pants are getting uncomfortable.  Of course that is the silver lining to this heat cloud…it is just far too hot for pants.  If you’re thinking about visiting, call first.

Other than that I’m not sure what to say.  I’m cranky & irritable, wishing I were superwoman and missing the contact I usually maintain with friends.