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<channel>
	<title>Something Creative &#187; blogging</title>
	<atom:link href="http://nil17.com/tag/blogging/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" />
	<link>http://nil17.com</link>
	<description>Ruminations on my life...</description>
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		<title>Yep, I&#8217;m Still Around</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2011/10/yep-im-still-around/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2011/10/yep-im-still-around/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 09 Oct 2011 19:46:30 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Clothes Make the Woman]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Out & About]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[The Kids]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[The Life We Lead]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Update]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blog]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[daily life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[music]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=2132</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>Oh my goodness! It has been a busy week around here. &#160;Wednesday we made a trip to the clinic for Magnus who was feeling punky &#038; out of sorts. &#160;Sure enough he has an ear infection so we got a &#8216;scrip called into the pharmacy &#038; off we went. &#160;I decided to reward my little [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[	<p><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic -->Oh my goodness! It has been a busy week around here. &#160;Wednesday we made a trip to the clinic for Magnus who was feeling punky & out of sorts. &#160;Sure enough he has an ear infection so we got a &#8216;scrip called into the pharmacy & off we went. &#160;I decided to reward my little guy for being so good at the doctor with a quick trip to Starbucks. &#160;He loves their petite vanilla bean scones&#8230;plus mommy wanted some Passion Tea Lemonade. &#160;We were standing at the counter ordering when I felt a warm, wet liquid hit me. &#160;I look at Magnus, who is in my left arm, just in time to get hit with a second wave of him throwing up. &#160;Delightful&#8230;nothing like needing a change of clothes for two people & not having them. &#160;Needless to say we did a quick cleanup in the bathroom, grabbed hoodies from the Jeep so we could go home w/o wearing our icky clothes and forgot about the treat.</p>

	<p>I did get to go out later that afternoon when Abe got home to finish running my errands. &#160;Abe was wonderful & kept both kids for the hour I was out. &#160;I hit Verizon for a portable wifi device & then Wal-mart for the antibiotics. &#160;There was a lot of standing in line which tested my patience. &#160;Walking to checkout I spied the women&#8217;s section & something in bright pink. &#160;A quick detour showed that yoga pants (the nice ones from Danskin) were not only in my size (I was hoping) but a very reasonable $12. &#160;I knew time was running short so into the self-check lane, a quick stop at Subway & off to home. &#160;Everything was well under control when I got home (much to my relief but not to my surprise). &#160;Marit was ready to eat so everybody had dinner & we vegged out on the couch. &#160;I tried on my new pants and after a <span style="color: #101010;"><del>little</del></span> LOT of obsessing decided they don&#8217;t look awful & I can wear them in public w/o being openly ridiculed.</p>

	<p>Wednesday night was not a good night. &#160;Magnus was up a lot with his ear ache & Marit decided she didn&#8217;t want to sleep her normal 4 hour cycles. &#160;Thursday dawn found me blearily dealing with diaper changes & finding all the stuff I needed to take along for a day at my sister-in-law&#8217;s house. &#160;Her usual daycare helper was gone so I went over to lend a hand with the 5 kids she watches. &#160;Add in my 2, her 1 & the one kid that comes after school is out & it was chaos. &#160;All of us were exhausted when we crashed at home later that night.</p>

	<p>In the meantime (great, now <em>that</em> song is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day&#8230;) I was listening to <strong><em>Falling Deeper</em></strong> by <strong><a href="http://anathema.ws" target="_blank">Anathema</a></strong> & trying to formulate a review for <a href="http://danteprog.com" target="_blank">Dante&#8217;s Prog Blog Inferno</a>. &#160;I was procrastinating as I much prefer to be the silent editor & gal Friday over there. &#160;However there was much insisting that I get with the program & just write already.</p>

	<p>Friday morning I was able to sleep a little later & we had a nicely relaxed start to our day. &#160;Errands & browsing for home decor with my sister-in-law Jilli in the afternoon went fine & the kids were great. &#160;We ended the night with dinner out at <a href="http://www.tinnersgrill.com" target="_blank">Tinner&#8217;s </a>(mmmm&#8230; egg & cheese burger), dessert at <a href="http://www.peachwaveyogurt.com/locations/south-dakota/" target="_blank">PeachWave</a> (blueberry cheesecake fro-yo is teh nomz) & eventually home to tuck the kids in bed. &#160;I attempted to write my review that night but didn&#8217;t get more than the opening paragraph done.</p>

	<p>We were out again on Saturday morning & moving considerably more slowly. &#160;Abe helped my brother & sister-in-law pick out doors for their basement which is slowly being finished. &#160;Then the guys went to unload the doors & do &#8220;man stuff&#8221; while we girls (Marit included) went to the giant craft show at the convention center. &#160;I popped Marit into her sling & into the hoard we went. &#160;There was a lot of nice stuff but I was mainly there to browse. &#160;I did find a very cute dress, knit hat & headband w/flowers for Marit in one of the doll clothes booths. &#160;I looked in some of the other booths for a Halloween costume but didn&#8217;t get anything. &#160;I may have to look again & get one of the fairy dresses&#8230;they are too cute for words.</p>

	<p>After all our roaming about was done we spent the night in & relaxed. &#160;I finally managed to write <a href="http://danteprog.com/?p=1041" target="_blank">my review</a> & then it was bed where we all got a pretty decent night sleep. &#160;Today is football day & the Vikings haven&#8217;t totally fallen apart&#8230;.yet. &#160;This week should be a quiet one though we are hoping for a visit from Grandma B. &#160;Hope you all have restful weekends & can face the week ready to tuck & roll as each day comes.<div class="shr-publisher-2132"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F10%2Fyep-im-still-around%2F' data-shr_title='Yep%2C+I%27m+Still+Around'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F10%2Fyep-im-still-around%2F' data-shr_title='Yep%2C+I%27m+Still+Around'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F10%2Fyep-im-still-around%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --></p>
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		<item>
		<title>Reaching A Milemarker</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2011/08/reaching-a-milemarker/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2011/08/reaching-a-milemarker/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 29 Aug 2011 21:56:20 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Update]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2011]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blog]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[milestones]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[review]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[updates]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=2050</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>So I have reached the milemarker of publishing 300 posts here. &#160;It has taken me a long time seemingly&#8230;especially since I may not post for months at a time. &#160;However, when I started this blog it was to let out the stuff that swirls around in my brain on a daily basis. &#160;In some ways [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[	<p><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic -->So I have reached the milemarker of publishing 300 posts here. &#160;It has taken me a long time seemingly&#8230;especially since I may not post for months at a time. &#160;However, when I started this blog it was to let out the stuff that swirls around in my brain on a daily basis. &#160;In some ways I have let out way more than I ever intended. &#160;Yet there are parts of me I&#8217;m still not willing to leak out onto the page&#8230; (Hi Mom!) &#160;However, it is amazing to see what has happened since I wrote my first post on March 27, 2008.</p>

	<p>I&#8217;ve moved from northern Minnesota to southern South Dakota (forests & beautiful Lake Superior to corn fields & wide open plains). &#160;I&#8217;m pregnant with my second child. &#160;I&#8217;ve witnessed births, deaths, weddings & divorces. &#160;I&#8217;ve made some amazing new friends, reconciled with dear old friends & shed people who weren&#8217;t good for me.</p>

	<p>So in light of all that I&#8217;m going to share some of the&#160;<del>favorite</del>, <del>most interesting</del>, posts that amuse me.</p>

	<p>In <em><a href="http://nil17.com/?p=35" target="_blank">Arsenal of Impossibility</a></em>&#160;I explore my evil genius side & plot my eventual world domination. &#160;Who doesn&#8217;t like miniatureized (and easily controllable) natural disasters & ninja midgets? &#160;Then there is of course <em><a href="http://nil17.com/?p=117" target="_blank">The Great Rock Magnet Escapade</a></em>&#8212;follow me as I am tasked with spending a ridiculous amount of money on polished rocks attached to magnets&#8230;really one of my better pre-parent shenanigans.</p>

	<p>No mention of my writing would be complete without a mention of <em><a href="http://nil17.com/?p=390" target="_blank">The Bra Rant</a></em> (Lots of great comments on that one&#8230;) and the various poetry I&#8217;ve posted. &#160;On the other hand I could be wrong.</p>

	<p>Thanks to my readers for sticking with me, for occasionally leaving a comment & for not throwing hard objects at my head. &#160;I hope you stick around & see what comes next.<div class="shr-publisher-2050"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F08%2Freaching-a-milemarker%2F' data-shr_title='Reaching+A+Milemarker'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F08%2Freaching-a-milemarker%2F' data-shr_title='Reaching+A+Milemarker'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F08%2Freaching-a-milemarker%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --></p>
 ]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>My Hacker</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2011/06/my-hacker/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2011/06/my-hacker/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 14 Jun 2011 04:39:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Miscellaneous]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[My Comptuer & Me]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Patently Ridiculous]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2011]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blog]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hacked]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hackers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rants]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Really!?!?!?]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=1844</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>Over the weekend I was informed by my sister-in-law that my blog had been hacked. Not the best gtalk message to receive as my pillow was getting fluffed just right on Saturday night. </p> <p>Off I went to my desktop pc and logged into my webhosting site where I contacted the live support person. They [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><p>Over the weekend I was informed by my sister-in-law that my blog had been hacked.  Not the best gtalk message to receive as my pillow was getting fluffed just right on Saturday night.  </p>
<p>Off I went to my desktop pc and logged into my webhosting site where I contacted the live support person.  They immediately directed me to submit a help ticket request to the tech support center.</p>
<p>I submitted the help request, changed my password for the blog site and headed back to bed.  Of course my brain was on overload at this point so I was rather wide awake.  I went to check my blog from my phone (from whence I am composing this missive) only to find that it had been hijacked yet again.  By now I was really pissed off.</p>
<p>Abe was awake and we were talking about what a hassle the whole thing was and how silly that I had gotten hacked.  I started to think of all the websites out there on the interwebz my little blog got hacked.  I mentioned how it was nearly worthy of a &#8220;REALLY?!?!?!?&#8221; segment a la Weekend Update.  Abe laughed and told me I had my next blog post&#8230;so without further ado here it is.</p>
<p>The following text was basically what appeared on my blog.  It was white text on a black background &#038; there was a stylized skull and crossbones in the center of the page.</p>
<blockquote><p>{#} Team [redacted Middle Eastern Country] hacker{#}<br />
{#}The [redacted] hack{#}<br />
This What We Do Hacking all The Time<br />
Just open your eyes you fucked <img src='http://nil17.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_razz.gif' alt=':P' class='wp-smiley' /> <br />
Team [redacted Middle Eastern Country] hacker We Never Play<br />
See ya</p></blockquote>

Really? That&#8217;s the scariest language you&#8217;ve got?  I mean really&#8230;you *never* play? That just sounds boring.  And you &#8220;do hacking&#8221; all the time? Really? So you don&#8217;t take time to eat or sleep or go to the bathroom?  I suppose that guarantees you don&#8217;t shower&#8230; And really??  You manage to hack my blog&#8230;my teeny little onlyhasonereader (my cousin&#8230;okay, two readers since my sis-in-law noticed the hack) blog.  Wow, what an accomplishment!  I mean really&#8230;all the other hackers will be so impressed.  You managed to disable what could be the most insignificant site in all the interwebz.  Oh wait, was this your &#8220;jumping in&#8221; to the hacker world?  That would make slightly more sense.  Seriously though I doubt it would give you much street cred&#8230;really, I wish you luck in your quest to be taken seriously in the hacker world.  Really.

As of now everything is restored (obviously as you&#8217;re reading it) and not too badly for wear.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled prattle.<div class="shr-publisher-1844"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F06%2Fmy-hacker%2F' data-shr_title='My+Hacker'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F06%2Fmy-hacker%2F' data-shr_title='My+Hacker'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2011%2F06%2Fmy-hacker%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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		<item>
		<title>NaNoWriMo or NaBloPoMo</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2010/11/nanowrimo-or-nablopomo/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2010/11/nanowrimo-or-nablopomo/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 03 Nov 2010 02:50:38 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Baby Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[I should be in therapy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Music, Books, Movies etc]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[The Life We Lead]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What's in my Head]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2010]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[baby]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[daily life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=1461</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>It&#8217;s that time of year again when all the writers take pen in hand to participate in <a href="http://www.nanowrimo.org">National Novel Writing Month</a>.  It&#8217;s a way for them to accomplish a lot of writing in a relatively short amount of time. The official website has all the information including rules etc. Some of the writers I [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic -->
<p>It&#8217;s that time of year again when all the writers take pen in hand to participate in <a href="http://www.nanowrimo.org">National Novel Writing Month</a>.  It&#8217;s a way for them to accomplish a lot of writing in a relatively short amount of time. The official website has all the information including rules etc. Some of the writers I know set up websites where you can follow along (once you register) with the writing, provide feedback if you choose &amp; observe the process of creating a novel.  If you are looking for some great writing &amp; are interested in this process I highly recommend following <a href="http://davidniallwilson.com">David Niall Wilson</a> as he writes <a href="http://scatteredearth.crossroadpress.com/ ">Scattered Earth</a>.  Also this month is <a href="http://www.nablopomo.com/">National Blog Posting Month</a>&#8230;well every month is NaBloPoMo&#8230;anyway.  Here bloggers make a commitment to post something on their blog every day for the entire month.  The official website contains all the information &amp; also prompts for what to post each day.  There is all sorts of information on the site &amp; if you are interested in either event I encourage you to visit the websites &amp; see what&#8217;s going on.</p>
<p>I&#8217;ve always wanted to write a novel.  Since I was a teenager I&#8217;ve felt that somewhere inside me was a book waiting to be born.  However, I have not yet discovered what that book might be&#8230;I mean I can&#8217;t even post to my blog with any regularity (not to mention I don&#8217;t seem to have anything of interest to say) so a novel is a bit beyond my ken. I am considering some ideas to make this space a little LOT more interesting&#8230;I haven&#8217;t decided yet if or how I&#8217;ll implement any changes.  I&#8217;m also thinking of doing a month of blog writing but this month is definitely not it&#8230;Mostly because I&#8217;m caught up in being a mommy.</p>
<p>Speaking of mommy stuff&#8212; Magnus tried rice cereal for the first time the other night. He is most certainly NOT a fan. The little bit I made he ended up wearing.  So we will wait until after Christmas &amp; see how he feels about it then.  The other big thing going on is I&#8217;m off my meds right now.  Due to a whole range of circumstances that I don&#8217;t feel like explaining I&#8217;ve been unable to refill my prescriptions.  I must say that going cold turkey off a combo therapy of anti-depressants sucks mightily.  It&#8217;s been a week &amp; every day is very difficult.  I spend a lot of time crying or fighting back the tears&#8230;.if Magnus weren&#8217;t in need of care I&#8217;d probably never get out of bed.  He is my saving grace right now. Every day I start with the attitude that I will survive until Abe comes home. So far it&#8217;s worked.  Other than that I&#8217;ve got a multitude of questions without answers.</p>
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		<item>
		<title>Inconsistency Thy Name Is&#8230;</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2010/05/inconsistency-thy-name-is/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2010/05/inconsistency-thy-name-is/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 01 Jun 2010 04:55:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Baby Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Miscellaneous]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Musings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[The Life We Lead]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What's in my Head]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2010]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[daily life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=1213</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Yes I know it&#8217;s been ages since I wrote anything here. Truth be told I&#8217;m suffering from a lack of inspiration. Of course there is always Baby to think about yet I&#8217;m not totally prepared to share all of that with ya&#8217;ll. There&#8217;s so much going on in my head there that I can&#8217;t really [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic -->Yes I know it&#8217;s been ages since I wrote anything here.  Truth be told I&#8217;m suffering from a lack of inspiration.  Of course there is always Baby to think about yet I&#8217;m not totally prepared to share all of that with ya&#8217;ll.  There&#8217;s so much going on in my head there that I can&#8217;t really organize it all.  Not to mention I am suffering from &#8220;pregnancy brain&#8221;&#8230;that is to say I have the attention span of an earthworm when I&#8217;m awake &amp; that isn&#8217;t very much as I seem to have developed a form of narcolepsy over the past 8 months.

So here I am snuggling into bed for the night after having decided that I wanted to change the look of my blog.  This is a totally different format than anything I&#8217;ve seen before &amp; I&#8217;m going to try it out for a bit.  I would love to get some feedback on this so please (pretty, pretty please with a cherry &amp; chocolate drizzle on top) leave a comment.

I&#8217;m contemplating setting up a separate domain/subdomain for any poetry that I may write &amp; migrating what&#8217;s on here to that space.  We shall see as I have no idea how to go about that &amp; my brain is mush.

Basically all I can say is that I haven&#8217;t forgotten about this blog &amp; would like to write more&#8230;I just don&#8217;t seem to be able to find the words.  I know, I know&#8230;how can that possibly be?  Yet here I am struggling to finish this random post.

I also want to mention a blog that I read (inconsistently at best much to my shame) <a href="http://www.sugarwillaandspice.com/" target="_blank">Sugarwilla &amp; Spice</a>.  During the month of June she is going to focus on &#8220;30 days of Gratitude&#8221; during June.  Please stop by &amp; read her blog&#8230;participate if you feel so moved.

That&#8217;s all for now&#8230;we&#8217;ll see if I can get more consistent with posting over the next month&#8230;and then Baby arrives&#8212; that should be good for some pictures at least.<div class="shr-publisher-1213"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2010%2F05%2Finconsistency-thy-name-is%2F' data-shr_title='Inconsistency+Thy+Name+Is...'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2010%2F05%2Finconsistency-thy-name-is%2F' data-shr_title='Inconsistency+Thy+Name+Is...'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2010%2F05%2Finconsistency-thy-name-is%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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		<item>
		<title>Honest Scrap Award</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2009/11/honest-scrap-award/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2009/11/honest-scrap-award/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:10:02 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[I AM]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[I should be in therapy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Musings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[My Comptuer & Me]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What's in my Head]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[about me]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blog awards]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[books]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Family]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[myself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random thoughts]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=1056</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[For the love of Aunt Carrie&#8217;s corset I got my first ever blog award yesterday.  My awesome friend Mary over at <a title="FitThisGirl" href="http://www.fitthisgirl.com">FitThisGirl</a> was more than kind to award me one of her coveted 10.  &#8221;Becci!! I am nominating you for the Honest Scrap award!! I love your blog honest and raw humor, it [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><em><span style="color: #7f8cc7;"><span style="font-style: normal;">For the love of </span>Aunt Carrie&#8217;s corset</span></em><span style="color: #7f8cc7;"> I got my first ever blog award yesterday.  My awesome friend Mary over at </span><a title="FitThisGirl" href="http://www.fitthisgirl.com"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">FitThisGirl</span></a><span style="color: #7f8cc7;"> was more than kind to award me one of her coveted 10.  &#8221;Becci!! I am nominating you for the Honest Scrap award!! I love your blog honest and raw humor, it is refreshing!&#8221;, says the cool girl with the rocking blog.  Well I&#8217;m flattered &amp; a little taken aback to be thus noticed.  Anyway, I am here fulfilling my part of the bargain with a post of my own.</span>

<img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-1057" title="honestscrap1" src="http://nil17.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/honestscrap1.jpg" alt="honestscrap1" width="162" height="220" />
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 20px;"><strong><em><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">The Rules</span></em></strong></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 20px;"><strong><em><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">? &#8220;The Honest Scrap Award&#8221; must be shared!</span></span></em></strong></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 20px;"><strong><em><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">? The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves.</span></span></em></strong></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 20px;"><strong><em><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">? The recipient has to pass this prestigious award along to 10 more bloggers.</span></span></em></strong></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 20px;"><strong><em><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">? Those 10 bloggers need to be notified they have received this award.</span></span></em></strong></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 20px;"><strong><em><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">? Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog from where they received their award.</span></span></em></strong></span></p>

<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">
</span>

<span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">1.  I am afraid of heights! I mean terrified, petrified, completely phobic about heights yet I still want to walk to the edge of the cliff &amp; look down.  I guess I&#8217;m trying to face my fear but it never seems to help&#8230;instead I&#8217;m just paralyzed at the edge of a cliff which seems like a bad thing&#8230;.</span></span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">
</span>

<span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">2.  I am also terrified of drowning&#8230;needless to say while I love the architecture of bridges crossing them can be my own personal Waterloo.  The Aerial Lift Bridge in Duluth, MN is a classic example&#8230;I never get tired of looking at or photographing it.  Crossing it is just plain out of the question&#8230;.</span></span>

<span style="line-height: 20px; color: #333333;"><img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1058" title="Aerial Lift Bridge" src="http://nil17.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/2009-08-27-canal-park_00016-300x225.jpg" alt="Aerial Lift Bridge" width="300" height="225" /></span>

<span style="line-height: 20px; color: #333333;"><img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1059" title="walking under the Aerial Lift Bridge" src="http://nil17.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/2009-08-27-canal-park_00006-300x225.jpg" alt="walking under the Aerial Lift Bridge" width="300" height="225" /></span>

<span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">3.  I have 2 tattoos.  One on each shoulder.  My first tattoo is a head shot of Betty Boop &amp; I&#8217;ve had it for something close to 12 years.  My second tattoo is a grouping of 4 flowers&#8230;each represents a grandparent that Hubby &amp; I have lost.  I am anxious to get a 3rd tattoo which will be a representation of my life with Abe.  If I&#8217;m lucky I would also like a 4th tattoo designed by Abe&#8230;I have to be patient &amp; wait though as Abe has some ink of his own he&#8217;d like to have added on.</span></span>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="line-height: 20px; color: #333333;"><img class="size-medium wp-image-1060 aligncenter" title="Betty Boop tattoo" src="http://nil17.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/IMG00107-20091110-2234-300x225.jpg" alt="Betty Boop tattoo" width="300" height="225" /></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px; color: #333333;"><img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1062" title="flower tattoo" src="http://nil17.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/tattoo-004-225x300.jpg" alt="flower tattoo" width="225" height="300" /></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">4.  I am an incurable insomniac.  Even though right now I&#8217;m so tired I&#8217;m sliding out of my skin I&#8217;m typing away on my laptop.  It&#8217;s very hard for me to turn my brain off at the end of the day&#8230;even lying in bed trying to clear my mind often ends up having the opposite result.  This will lead to me wide awake in the dark listening to Abe softly snore &amp; wondering if I should have worn different shoes with a particular outfit when I was 14.</span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">5.  I am terrible at keeping my own secrets.  Yours I will take to the grave (maybe I&#8217;ll tell Abe but you can trust him&#8230;he talks a lot less than I do) but mine I blurt out all the time.  I want you to know what I&#8217;m getting you for your birthday/anniversary/Christmas etc so that you can be excited too.</span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">6. I am slightly envious (ok, maybe I&#8217;m really envious but in a totally good way) of anybody who is an artist.  I wish that I had the talent to paint, draw or sculpt.  Unfortunately I can&#8217;t even draw a decent stick figure so I&#8217;m out of luck. I do however love the feeling of movement &amp; swirl of emotion I get when looking at someone else&#8217;s creation.  It&#8217;s a truly intimate thing to share what comes out on canvas or marble (or any other media) with an audience &amp; I applaud those who do it.</span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">7.  Kids&#8230;.I adore kids.  There are few things I won&#8217;t do to earn a smile &amp; laughter from a child.  Nothing in this world is more fleeting &amp; pure than the sound of a child or baby bubbling over with joy.  It melts my heart every time.</span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">8.  Someday I want to own the following: a motorcycle, a horse, a sailboat &amp; a late model Chevy Corvair convertible.  Preferably all at the same time&#8230;yes I realize that it&#8217;s impractical because where exactly can one own a horse &amp; sailboat and but them both to use?  I have no idea but in my land of make-believe it&#8217;s not only possible but mandatory.</span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">9.  I knew (but wouldn&#8217;t admit) the first time I saw Abe that I would marry him.  He picked me up at my apartment, walked me to his car &amp; opened my door, holding it until I was in &amp; then closing it for me.  I leaned across to unlock his door &amp; as I did that I knew I wanted to do it for the rest of my life.  How a nice quiet guy like him ever decided to put up with a crazy, insecure girl like me I will never know. </span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">10.  Books&#8230;what can I say?  First off I guess I should mention that some people (looking pointedly at Abe) think I read fast.  I don&#8217;t know why anybody would come to that conclusion&#8230;just because I can read &amp; retain major portions of books of 500+ pages in a 24 hour period does not mean that I read fast.  Seriously, didn&#8217;t all of you read the 7th Harry Potter in 18 hours?  Second I should mention that since I have been a rabid, ravenous, rapacious reader since the age of 3.  I vividly remember checking out the complete works of Shakespeare at age 10.  Both the librarian &amp; teacher looked at me as if I were mental&#8230;yet I devoured it&#8212;enraptured.  I can read a book with a singular focus&#8230;blocking out all things around me (including natural disasters, fire drills &amp; screaming in my ear).</span></span></p><div class="shr-publisher-1056"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F11%2Fhonest-scrap-award%2F' data-shr_title='Honest+Scrap+Award'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F11%2Fhonest-scrap-award%2F' data-shr_title='Honest+Scrap+Award'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F11%2Fhonest-scrap-award%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Where Do I Go From Here?</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2009/10/where-do-i-go-from-here/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2009/10/where-do-i-go-from-here/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 07 Oct 2009 03:11:28 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[What's in my Head]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2009]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[daily life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[job]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[jobs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[myself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[work]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=928</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It&#8217;s no surprise to my readers (I think I have readers&#8230;hard to tell these days since my best ones have gone MIA &#38; I&#8217;m not sure if I&#8217;ll get them back&#8230;.) that my job is not my favorite place to spend time.  Besides tumult in working with the office personnel, I am at the point [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">It&#8217;s no surprise to my readers (I think I have readers&#8230;hard to tell these days since my best ones have gone MIA &amp; I&#8217;m not sure if I&#8217;ll get them back&#8230;.) that my job is not my favorite place to spend time.  Besides tumult in working with the office personnel, I am at the point where my job doesn&#8217;t challenge me&#8230;and me + unchallenging work =disaster.  I have trouble focusing when I&#8217;m not challenged which means procrastination &amp; other self-defeating habits.  I&#8217;m not happy where I am yet with the job market &amp; economy the way it is&#8230;well I would most certainly need another, higher paying job before I consider letting this one go.  I&#8217;m on the horns of a dilemma &amp; I really wish I had a nice comfy cushion &#8216;cuz I think I&#8217;m going to be here awhile.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">My true deep down desire is to write&#8230;I want to write a book (I have no idea what that book would be), I want to work on my poetry &amp; someday publish a small book of it with a dedication to my husband (and a poem dedicated to someone who inspires me to write better), I want to have time to go out &amp; take the pictures that speak to me &amp; fuel my creativity.  I want to take those pictures &amp; create a book of the places that feed my soul in hopes of sharing that with someone when they need it the most.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Today I got a text message from Mom who relayed a message from Aunt D.  Basically they both think that I should write.  Heh, I&#8217;m not disagreeing but I know that there really isn&#8217;t money in writing unless you&#8217;re Stephen King or Michael Crichton or J.K. Rowling.  I&#8217;m not&#8230;and I&#8217;m okay with that.  I just wish I knew where I was supposed to be. </span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">I guess I don&#8217;t really have a point  to this post except to posit the question- Where do I go from here?  I don&#8217;t know &amp; I&#8217;m running out of faith that I&#8217;ll be getting any answers.</span><div class="shr-publisher-928"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fwhere-do-i-go-from-here%2F' data-shr_title='Where+Do+I+Go+From+Here%3F'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fwhere-do-i-go-from-here%2F' data-shr_title='Where+Do+I+Go+From+Here%3F'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fwhere-do-i-go-from-here%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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		<item>
		<title>To Be or Not To Be&#8230;</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2009/09/to-be-or-not-to-be/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2009/09/to-be-or-not-to-be/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 30 Sep 2009 03:13:27 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[I should be in therapy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Musings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[The Life We Lead]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What's in my Head]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2009]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[about me]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[myself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=876</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Again I take pen in hand (figuratively duh) and prepare to do battle with all that has overwhelmed me lately. I am so confused, upset, hurt, scared, depressed &#38; faithless right now.  I hurt so deep inside that it has become physical pain&#8230;not the gallbladder pain that I deal with too but a squeezing in [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Again I take pen in hand (figuratively duh) and prepare to do battle with all that has overwhelmed me lately. I am so confused, upset, hurt, scared, depressed &amp; faithless right now.  I hurt so deep inside that it has become physical pain&#8230;not the gallbladder pain that I deal with too but a squeezing in my ribs &amp; chest.  I feel like I&#8217;m being crushed from the inside.  Every morning I dread the alarm&#8230;I&#8217;m so unhappy at my job &amp; I have no clue how to change it any more.  I&#8217;ve resigned myself to trying to push through &amp; scolding myself for not just sucking it up, doing what I need to do &amp; shutting up about being unhappy.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">I have lost what hope I used to have&#8230;there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel except the oncoming train.  Even the few moments of peace I have found seem to fade too quickly &amp; I can&#8217;t even slip into the bubble of the memory to recapture that feeling.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">This is SO hard for me to write&#8230;I am so depressed! I&#8217;ve never felt like this before. I&#8217;ve been sad, blue &amp; under the weather&#8230;.I&#8217;ve been cranky, pre-menstrual &amp; just plain in a foul mood.  This is something so different.  I feel hollow, empty &amp; alone.  I sit next to the man I love &amp; feel like he can never hold me tight enough.  I do my best to smile &amp; be pleasant while inside I feel like crumbling.  I&#8217;ve always been the strong one, the leader, the oldest, the one in charge.  I was born to that role &amp; assumed it from a young age.  Now I don&#8217;t know where to turn&#8230;some would say turn to God, to the church; others would say turn to friends &amp; family; still others would have totally different advice.  The truth is I feel like God has better things to do than listen to me complain because I feel bad about myself.  The church hasn&#8217;t really had much to offer me other than a bunch of people who don&#8217;t seem to understand why I don&#8217;t just smile &amp; be thankful.  I am thankful in many ways for many things.  How I feel isn&#8217;t about that.  If I could just tell myself not to feel bad believe me when I say it would be done in a heartbeat.  This depression (I have a hard time just saying that word) isn&#8217;t about being ungrateful or not knowing that I am blessed with a great many things.  It&#8217;s about feeling isolated because no matter how much I want to feel good I simply don&#8217;t.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">My family(the whole great big crazy lot of them) &amp; friends (the few I have) are wonderful.  I love them very much! How do I tell them that every day is a struggle for me? It&#8217;s not that I don&#8217;t want every day that has been granted to me&#8230;as hard as it has been to get up every day not once have I thought about anything more serious than just staying in bed all month.  It&#8217;s so hard because I want to see my siblings, my nephews &amp; niece&#8230;they are so precious.  I love the kids&#8230;their innocent smiles &amp; silly antics.  Being able to play with them, toss them in the air &amp; hold them close for hugs are delightful times.  Yet everybody has their own lives.  Just because I can barely find the will to face each day out of my room doesn&#8217;t mean I need to burden them with worry over me.  In fact I&#8217;ve worked my hardest to avoid showing how much hurt I feel right now.  It doesn&#8217;t always work because it leaks out of me like a punctured jellyfish washed ashore after a storm.  I know my family (and friends) can tell I&#8217;m not myself.  The fun, laughing, smiling girl who is always ready to take on life isn&#8217;t here.  Call back another time&#8230;leave a message at the beep. I have shut myself off in many ways because it hurts me even more to know that Mom is worried about me &amp; that my siblings don&#8217;t know what to say.  It hurts me that when Abe wants to comfort me instead I feel worse because I&#8217;m not able to help him &amp; encourage him.  He has dealt with so much&#8212;losing his job, working so hard to make a go of the business (disaster that plan is since the economy is completely in the toilet&#8230;no it isn&#8217;t getting better, trust me), searching every day for a job that will actually allow him to bring home a paycheck rather than just put it all into fuel to get to the job.  Then to top it off there&#8217;s me: sad, uncertain &amp; sick to boot.  Abe works so hard to keep things going so that I don&#8217;t worry (ha, right me not worry) &amp; so that I can feel safe and secure when I come home. Knowing he doesn&#8217;t understand (I don&#8217;t understand&#8230;how could he) makes me so sad because he gets me better than anybody else.  He puts up with my silly moods, the crazy stories I make up from my odd sense of humor and my weird obsessions/compulsions that can make buying a snack size bag of M &amp; Ms an adventure.  Abe has always helped bring balance to me&#8230;.I hate that he feels there is more he could do.  And my friends, well what can I say&#8230;.the friends that I thought were around aren&#8217;t.  Boy do I ever feel stupid for falling for that yet again! I know it isn&#8217;t easy to be around someone who is constantly struggling&#8230;I&#8217;ve been on the other side many different times.  It is hard to be supportive when someone is depressed. So I rely on my &#8220;invisible&#8221; friends or rather my wonderful community of crazy, offbeat, intelligent, witty &amp; downright talented Twitter friends.  (I know a lot of you may not &#8220;get&#8221; Twitter&#8230;all I have to say is it has to be experienced. There is truly no way to explain Twitter!) I admire so many of them for their fearless take on life&#8212;no matter where they are coming from&#8212;and even when they are feeling the fear, doubt and everything else the rest of the human race does it makes me feel like I&#8217;m not as alone as I sometimes think. Of course right now I feel more alone that ever.  I don&#8217;t know how to tell some of these friends what I&#8217;m truly going through.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">So why don&#8217;t I want to tell people I consider to be dear friends how I feel?  One reason is I don&#8217;t want to be a bother.  Yes we are dear close friends but they (like me) have their own lives.  Jobs, houses, cars, wives, husbands, children, parents, committees etc.  They all have stuff in &#8220;meat space&#8221; (a geek term for in real life or IRL for those of you uninitiated) that demands time &amp; attention.  I&#8217;m just a girl from Minnesota who is falling apart at the seams&#8212;but when it all comes down to the bare facts does that really matter to anybody but me?  I want to matter&#8230;I want to believe that if our roles were reversed I&#8217;d step up &amp; say, &#8220;I&#8217;m worried about you. My life is crazy &amp; there are 42 other things I should be doing right now but first I need to know that you are okay.&#8221;  Maybe I would&#8230;after all I am the strong shoulder, the willing ear (or I was in another time in my life).  How do I say that I need those things now. Yes I can chitchat about weather, sports, politics &amp; other random topics from the zeitgeist.  I can joke (easier to fake somewhat when you don&#8217;t have to look at anybody) although the more depressed I&#8217;ve gotten the more sharp &amp; snide my jokes have become.  Meanwhile a lot of times I&#8217;m sitting in my chair at home (or like now I&#8217;m in bed with the laptop surrounded by a sleeping spouse &amp; 3 dogs) and in between the banter I&#8217;m working my way through a box of tissues. </span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Another reason I don&#8217;t want to say anything is I have had a terribly hard time admitting to myself that this isn&#8217;t just &#8220;the blues&#8221;.  Whatever is going on is much bigger &amp; scarier to me than feeling a bit sad because it is gray &amp; rainy.  I am so scared&#8230;I feel like I&#8217;m losing my mind, losing myself &amp; who I want to be.  This spring I started several positive steps in my life.  I set goals to write, to get into a better shape &amp; to really enjoy life.  Then summer hit me like &#8230;.well like something very hard &amp; angry.  I lost my focus on exercise (I was doing great, had increased my stamina etc.), my writing I tried to maintain &amp; as cold day after cold day slipped by my carpe diem attitude went with it.  I kept thinking that I&#8217;d feel better in a few days.  Then August rolled around &amp; I ended up in the hospital.  After finding that there is apparently nothing &#8220;really&#8221; wrong with me I was sent home with a few bottles of pills.  One of those bottles contained a neat little drug called nortriptyline.  This drug was originally approved for use as a heavy-duty anti-depressant.  Wow did that suck!! Suddenly I&#8217;m taking this drug (which also works fantastic as an anti-spasmodic/IBS controller) &amp; if I wasn&#8217;t already sliding into depression this flung me over like Bill Murray driving off that cliff with Punxsutawney Phil in &#8220;Ground Hog Day&#8221;. Suddenly I was having nightmares like nothing I&#8217;ve ever had before (and I&#8217;ve had some doozys&#8230;.I even can recall in perfect detail to this day my recurring one from childhood). There were also some crazy mood swings&#8230;.I&#8217;d be laughing &amp; then suddenly crying.  It was exhausting.  Now I&#8217;m off the drugs&#8230;I have no plans on starting up with them again!</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">So this post has taken me hours&#8212;over a full day has passed since I started writing.  It has been a happy/sad day.  I&#8217;m feeling a bit better for having decided to keep letting all this out. (Actually I&#8217;ve had several people give me great encouragement over the past 24 hours&#8230;.that coupled with what seems to be an almost overwhelming need to write &#8212; I got a lot more post brewing in the brain box right now.) I just want&#8230;nay, NEED to write so I&#8217;m going to keep up as best I can. I realize there will be days where I won&#8217;t &amp; that&#8217;s okay too.  I can&#8217;t keep holding all this (whatever &#8220;this&#8221; is) inside me&#8230;.</span><div class="shr-publisher-876"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fto-be-or-not-to-be%2F' data-shr_title='To+Be+or+Not+To+Be...'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fto-be-or-not-to-be%2F' data-shr_title='To+Be+or+Not+To+Be...'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fto-be-or-not-to-be%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Giving Up Some Blog Love</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2009/09/giving-up-some-blog-love/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2009/09/giving-up-some-blog-love/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:26:33 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Miscellaneous]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blog]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Family]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fitness]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[friends]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[random thoughts]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=860</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Today I just want to give out some love to a few of the fantastic bloggers that I keep up with. First I&#8217;m going to give a shout out to my girl Mary over at <a title="Fit This, Girl!" href="http://www.fitthisgirl.com" target="_blank">Fit This,Girl!</a> who wasn&#8217;t sure she wanted to join the blog-set.  She is now at [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Today I just want to give out some love to a few of the fantastic bloggers that I keep up with. </span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">First I&#8217;m going to give a shout out to my girl Mary over at <a title="Fit This, Girl!" href="http://www.fitthisgirl.com" target="_blank">Fit This,Girl!</a> who wasn&#8217;t sure she wanted to join the blog-set.  She is now at her 100th post &amp; rocking it.  I&#8217;ve known Mary for longer than either of us probably care to admit but she still rocks my socks.  For a hot new recipe (I promise they are good for you too) or the newest fitness clothes, shoes &amp; workouts Mary&#8217;s got you covered.  Occasionally she even makes me think about working out&#8230;<a title="Fit This, Girl!" href="http://www.fitthisgirl.com" target="_blank">Fit This, Girl!</a> is the place to be for inspiration in your battle against sloth.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Another great blog that always has something interesting going on is <a title="Little Daily Escape" href="http://littledailyescape.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Little Daily Escape</a>.  Now if I&#8217;ve known Mary for a long time I know Megan doesn&#8217;t want me disclosing all the stuff we&#8217;ve gotten into together.  Meg &amp; I have managed to stay close in spite of being cousins &amp; only seeing each other on holidays, special occasions etc.  She&#8217;s a busy mom with 2 girls, a career as something engineer-y (yes it&#8217;s a real word&#8230;), a runner, a musician and a wife. Head on over to <a title="Little Daily Escape" href="http://littledailyescape.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Little Daily Escape</a> &amp; keep up with all the adventures.  Guaranteed to make you smile.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">There are so many more &amp; my humble words don&#8217;t really do them justice&#8230;check out the giant list of blogs on the right side of your page.  You&#8217;ll certainly find something to make you laugh, smile, think &amp; enjoy.</span><div class="shr-publisher-860"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fgiving-up-some-blog-love%2F' data-shr_title='Giving+Up+Some+Blog+Love'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fgiving-up-some-blog-love%2F' data-shr_title='Giving+Up+Some+Blog+Love'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fgiving-up-some-blog-love%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>I Just Don&#8217;t Even Know Where to Begin</title>
		<link>http://nil17.com/2009/09/i-just-dont-even-know-where-to-begin/</link>
		<comments>http://nil17.com/2009/09/i-just-dont-even-know-where-to-begin/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:47:00 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Nil17</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[I AM]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[I should be in therapy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Memories]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Musings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[The Life We Lead]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What's in my Head]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2009]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[about me]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogging]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[daily life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[death]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[grief]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[myself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[observations]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://nil17.com/?p=823</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Since I truly don&#8217;t know where to begin with everything I am just going to let my fingers walk across these keys &#38; see what comes out&#8230;.No forethought (a big thing for me&#8230;I like to know what direction I&#8217;m headed.  I don&#8217;t mind detours or the scenic route as long as the general destination is [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetTop Automatic --><span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Since I truly don&#8217;t know where to begin with everything I am just going to let my fingers walk across these keys &amp; see what comes out&#8230;.No forethought (a big thing for me&#8230;I like to know what direction I&#8217;m headed.  I don&#8217;t mind detours or the scenic route as long as the general destination is planned out) on writing this or if I&#8217;ll even publish it.  My brain is a gooey mass right now.  I&#8217;m sleep deprived after a bout of insomnia the last couple of nights like I haven&#8217;t had since before August.  I am sitting here in &#8220;my&#8221; chair with the laptop on my new little mini desk (So helpful to have such a handy husband) and I can barely keep my eyes open.  It&#8217;s been a quiet &amp; relaxing day&#8230;a little grocery shopping this morning followed by a leisurely breakfast &amp; a movie.  Hung my down comforter on the line today to soak up some sun&#8230;am looking forward to snuggling under it and smelling the scents of autumn.  We&#8217;ve had such beautiful sunny weather this last week.  In fact it was quite a bit warmer than most or our summer.  Still the grass isn&#8217;t the verdant green of summer &amp; the leaves are well into their spectacular fiery death spasm.  The next few weeks will show more color gradually emerging &amp; then one morning I will wake to find thick white frost covering my lawn &amp; a blazing Crayola forest around me.  While I revel in the dog days of  summer this year I&#8217;m looking forward to it&#8217;s demise.  Being over half way through 2009 I can honestly say that it has held both some of the greatest &amp; some of the lowest moments in my life.  I know that in years to come the great memories will take on that golden sheen of a sun-dappled oak&#8212;something to be brought out &amp; relived in the quiet moments when I need a smile. </span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">Right now the low moments hold sway&#8230;I&#8217;m battling something I&#8217;ve never faced before &amp; feel completely out of my depth.  I know part of it is being sick &amp; having no answers as to feeling truly better.  All I have are some ideas to get by with &amp; the knowledge that according to the doctors there&#8217;s &#8220;nothing really wrong&#8221; with me.  It is beyond frustrating (and scary) to think of how sick I may have to be before they &#8220;fix&#8221; me.  On top of that I&#8217;m dealing with some very personal issues.  I&#8217;ve shared some of that on here already &amp; some of it is kept personal for very good reasons.  I&#8217;ve delved pretty deeply into some issues that needed (and still do to some extent) to be dealt with.  Some of that writing has been available for everybody to read, some hasn&#8217;t (maybe never will) and some will be when I&#8217;ve polished the words to a high buff gloss.  One big thing I have really examined is grief.  There is a lot for me to sort out &amp; I have released some of the deep grief I didn&#8217;t realize I was holding onto.  Some of that grief will always remain&#8230;.it is part of loving deeply &amp; valuing those who touch our lives in meaningful ways.  I will always miss them&#8212;Grandpa J, Grandma B, Chris, Justin&#8212;but I also learned from their lives &amp; deaths.  As for the other things&#8230;.I&#8217;m dealing with why I value myself less than I should.  I have a very difficult time seeing my good qualities &amp; I need to change that.  Accepting a compliment (when they do come my way) is not an easy thing for me.  I&#8217;m more likely to brush it off with a self-deprecating remark than a simple, humble &#8220;Thank You&#8221;.  Not only is it impolite (I was raised better than that) but it also devalues the person who gives the compliment&#8230;and that is not fair to them.  (I am all about fair&#8212;I know &#8220;life isn&#8217;t fair&#8221; but it should be &amp; if I can make it more so than I try to do just that.)  There are more things but I&#8217;m keeping them to myself.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">I have been very blessed in the last couple months to receive an amazing amount of kindness, support &amp; encouragement from a group of people that have graced me with their presence in my Twitter stream.  I have some very dear friends that I met there.  You may laugh behind your hand at me (or maybe to my face) but sitting in a hospital room at night is very lonely&#8212;I gained many new friends during those 5 days (thanks to the urging of a dear friend who insisted I needed cheering up) &amp; find them to be delightful.  All of us have our down days where our words don&#8217;t flow right or our paints feel lumpy &amp; leaden on the canvas.  When those days plod along there are many others who send words of encouragement &amp; commiseration at the flighty nature of the Muse.  It is like a far-flung artists colony where triumphs &amp; frustrations are shared along the wild interwebz path.  In this digital age it is easy to become isolated in your work, to feel the up &amp; down of your craft alone.  As a very dear friend reminded me this spring, authors (and painters, sculpters etc) used to write long letters sharing their lives, pushing each other to take risks &amp; encouraging each other.  While that era is long past for the most part (to our detriment in some ways) the magic of Twitter let&#8217;s us do it instantly &amp; creatively in 140 characters or less.</span>

<span style="color: #7f8cc7;">I guess I&#8217;m still on the fence about continuing my writing&#8230;while I do love the process in many ways I just don&#8217;t know if I can keep doing it.  When i walked away from writing 10 years ago I did it without thinking about it&#8230;it just happened gradually.  When I started this blog it was with intent&#8230;to chronicle my life so that someday my children (Dear God, ummm&#8230;.I want kids &amp; I&#8217;m not getting younger.  Not that you don&#8217;t know but just a posty note reminder.) will be able to know me in a different way.  I also wanted to be able to tell the stories of my life to anybody interested&#8230;if they find comfort, encouragement, laughter, joy, peace &amp; love in some small measure than my words have done what I most want to do in this world.  Lately writing has been my way of banishing some of my pain for a brief moment &amp; I&#8217;ve come to wonder if I&#8217;m not just depressing the hell out of the 2 readers (I know there are in reality more of you &amp; I adore you for reading! *mwah*) I have.  Just because I want to sleep until further notice so as to avoid the random sobbing &amp;  other mood swings doesn&#8217;t mean I need to inflict it on y&#8217;all.  Add to that the feeling that I&#8217;ve fallen into the pit of despair (ROFLMAO&#8230; I do so love &#8220;The Princess Bride&#8221;) and I so dislike this version of me (I&#8217;m always sarcastic, outspoken &amp; snotty&#8230;.I&#8217;m just a lot more mean than usual) that I look in the mirror less than normal (which anybody that knows me understands I&#8217;ve basically covered all reflective surfaces).  I didn&#8217;t know I could loathe myself more than I did before&#8230;really a rather unpleasant surprise to find I was wrong.  So I&#8217;m putting this out there&#8212;more for me to see if I feel that I should continue writing&#8212;because I&#8217;ve always wanted to be a writer&#8230;in fact I am a writer, it is whether or not I choose to actively write.  There is much in me that cries out to be put on the page either as prose or as poetry&#8212;whether I am equal to that task remains in question.</span><div class="shr-publisher-823"></div><!-- Start Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic --><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><div class='shareaholic-like-buttonset' style='float:right;height:60px;'><a class='shareaholic-googleplusone' data-shr_size='tall' data-shr_count='true' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fi-just-dont-even-know-where-to-begin%2F' data-shr_title='I+Just+Don%27t+Even+Know+Where+to+Begin'></a><a class='shareaholic-fblike' data-shr_layout='box_count' data-shr_showfaces='false' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fi-just-dont-even-know-where-to-begin%2F' data-shr_title='I+Just+Don%27t+Even+Know+Where+to+Begin'></a><a class='shareaholic-fbsend' data-shr_href='http%3A%2F%2Fnil17.com%2F2009%2F09%2Fi-just-dont-even-know-where-to-begin%2F'></a></div><div style="clear: both; min-height: 1px; height: 3px; width: 100%;"></div><!-- End Shareaholic LikeButtonSetBottom Automatic -->]]></content:encoded>
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