I am a notorious night owl/insomniac. This tends to be a bit of a huge problem with an infant around. Lately it hasn’t been too bad but this past weekend I had a night where I absolutely could not sleep. I read all night & Abe woke up early so we decided to take a load of stuff over to the new house. As we were leaving the sun was just beginning to rise so I snapped a few photos. I was so fantastic to be out in the fresh morning air enjoying the fact that we will so be living in the country.
As you may know, we are in the middle of another move. This one is happening at a leisurely pace which makes it so much more pleasant. The living room is half moved, the upstairs will be empty tonight & all that is left in the basement is the washer & dryer. Our bedroom, the kitchen & the bathroom are still completely untouched but we will move most of that this coming weekend. This past weekend we moved some things including our books & book shelves. Here’s a quick peek at that little piece of the move.
Yes all those boxes are full of books…no we can’t put all of them on the shelves we have. Not to mention that I seem unable to keep myself from adding to the collection on a regular basis. Still the shelves will look very nice in my new sitting room.
Life has an odd way about it. The threads that weave our existence are varied in color & texture yet there are so many similarities among us. The foundations of our experiences my happen at different stages but celebration, mourning & the emotions that come with them are universal. Family (in its many forms) is one commonality with which we all deal.
You’re probably wondering what brought all this on…the short answer is death. The long answer is seeing two people whom I know (one is a cousin, the other is a friend on Twitter) deal with the loss of family members over the past two weeks. My cousin lost her husband; my friend a sister. Two vastly different situations on the surface yet I see this faint connection in family bonds (or lack thereof).
My cousin had a hard life growing up. I won’t go into details but I will say that she lost her mom when she was in her early teens. For reasons that are complex she & her younger sister moved in with my family. As you can imagine there was plenty of conflict. The extended family has issues aplenty as well so that didn’t help the situation. My cousin is now in her 20s, a mom of two beautiful children & going to school. She built a life (and family) for herself where she feels secure. That security was badly damaged recently when her husband died last week. It was a sudden loss; one that wasn’t exactly expected though we all knew it was possible (her husband had sickle-cell anemia).
As I kept up with my cousin via Facebook I saw an outpouring of love from people I don’t know but who obviously care deeply for my cousin. Family (blood relatives–uncles, aunts, cousins) also expressed their sympathies for the loss. Several of them expressed their intent to attend the funeral as a show of support. However, there was a pre-planned family weekend…all the aunts & uncles were getting together. Since this weekend had been planned for a year suddenly nobody was free to attend the funeral. I can’t begin to express my irritation at that attitude. Yes, there has been plenty of turmoil & whatnot. Still how much would really have been missed by taking a couple hours out of a weekend to support a niece in the middle of a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching tragedy?
While I was hearing/seeing this play out in my family I also listened to a friend on Twitter as she grieved the loss of a sister. Again in this instance family turmoil (to put it mildly) is making a time of sorrow that much more difficult. Rather than rehashing my friend’s tale in my own poor words I encourage you to go here & read what she has to say.
The point of my post is that family bonds are what we make of them. Both my cousin & my friend have created their own families. When faced with the option of being part of dealing with blood relatives that are less than congenial or finding their own way they both chose the 2nd option. This has allowed them to surround themselves with a “family” of people who may or may not be related by blood but are definitely related by love. Not only have they created a family structure that fits their needs but they value themselves enough to know it is necessary.
What family bonds do you cultivate? What family bonds have you replaced? For me I cultivate the bonds with my immediate family & Abe’s family. I have added in people who are like sisters. There are some bonds–like those of my grandparents who are no longer living that can never be replaced.
One of my favorite bands is going on tour. Of course life being what it is I’m unable to attend any of the tour appearances. The tour preview is on the East Coast this coming weekend. (Too bad I don’t have a sack of money lying around…Magnus would enjoy the concert as much I me.) The official tour starts October 3–in the Netherlands. Ah well, some day I will be at a Shadow Gallery concert with my little rocker in tow. (Magnus has been listening to SG since he was in the womb & he loves it.)
Follow this link to listen to Shadow Gallery on their ReverbNation page.
If you are in Europe this fall check out one or more of the shows listed below.
Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting. He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows. So many precious times to be lived & cherished.
As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother. Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly. More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles. Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age. Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be. She forgets important things like latching her door. Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times. Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit. Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night. I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house. I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work.
Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.
This past weekend we attended my family reunion in New Ulm, MN. We’ve had the Lee family (my maternal grandmother & her brothers et al) reunion as long as I can remember. I talked about it in this post.
We haven’t gone in the past few years as it was a long trip for a few short hours. This year we are closer & we were anxious to show off Magnus to the extended family. There weren’t many people in attendance & unfortunately it appears that this will be the last year we have the reunion. I’m saddened by this…so many of my childhood summer memories are tied up with this event. I would love for my child (and my nieces/nephews) to have a similar experience. However, the family circle has drifted to all corners of the country & a yearly reunion just isn’t feasible. It remains to be seen what will happen. In the meantime I got a few pictures that I really want to share from this year.
Last week was the regional fair. There were a lot of musical acts performing & we decided to check out the Friday night concert. Lifehouse was the main act with The Spill Canvas as the opening act.
The Spill Canvas is a local band that I was just introduced to a couple weeks before the concert. After listening to their new album I was very excited to see them live. I’ve been aware of Lifehouse for several years & so we decided that this would be a great time to take Magnus to his first concert. (Okay his first concert since he was born. We attended RockFest 2010 in Kansas City, MO this past May. He bumped & grooved in my belly throughout that event.)
Anyway here are some photos of us in the grandstand before the concert. Enjoy!
There have been very few posts on here lately & they have pretty much been serious & a bit depressing. I won’t apologize for that because I’m hella depressed. However I have not forgotten to notice the beauty around me. Though I haven’t been outside much this summer I have managed to take pictures while traveling to & from the doctor’s office.
Out here my scenery is comprised of extensive corn & soybean fields covered in a bright blue bowl filled with puffy clouds. Summer here is hot & humid during the day; the nights are hot, humid & stormy. Many nights I have woken to fierce lightning & thunder rocking my house. When the rain starts drumming on the house & lawn I roll over, snuggle deeper into the covers and slide into slumber again.
Anyway, here are some of the pictures I’ve captured this summer….
It has been just over six weeks since Magnus was born. He was just a little peanut when he came home…and while he has grown he is still a little peanut. We are blessed that he is healthy & so aware. He loves to be held where he can look around. There are times where my arms are exhausted but I love that Magnus is a snuggly baby. He loves to snuggle with both of us. Magnus is our sweetie baby…he has the sweetest smile & is a bit of a flirty boy already.
I had my six week post partum check-up today. My doctor says I’m in good shape for going back to being active. I’m excited to be able to start doing yoga again. In fact I’m going to have my good friend Mary over at Fit This! Girl put together a work out regimen for me. Since I’ve already lost 50 pounds I think I’m well set to get more fit so I can keep up with Magnus as he gets more active. This summer has been hard for me to be so inactive. The sweltering weather has made me feel a bit better about being housebound. It has been far to hot & humid to be outside during the afternoon (morning too for the most part). I do miss the hiking & other activities we used to do up at the North Shore. Hopefully we will be able to make a trip up there to visit this fall.
Other than that I’m trying to put a positive face on when facing the “public”. Reality is that I’m not coping all that well emotionally. As much as I have always wanted a baby & as much as I’m completely head over heels in love with Magnus I wonder if maybe I was meant to be a mom. Many times I feel that Magnus would be better off with a different mommy…that someone else would do a better job than I. In light of that I’ve talked with my doctor & we have increased my meds twice. Now I’m under orders to see a psych to discuss what my options are for changing meds. I’m not wild about this idea at all. I’d much prefer my chosen method of ignoring it as much as possible. If I won’t even talk about it with Abe I certainly don’t want to discuss it with a complete stranger. However, I know that the better I feel the better I will be at being a mommy for Magnus.