Something Creative » 2009

Snowmageddon 2009 or A Typical Minnesota Winter

Nil17 — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 16:58:44 +0000

This was the scene at my parents’ house on Christmas Eve. I was deathly ill over the holidays but I did take a few minutes to bundle up & go out to capture some of the snowfall. It has been a very snowy winter this season…it reminds me of my childhood when we’d have days off of school because there was so much snow & the wind would blow so wildly. The last few years have definitely been atypical with the lack of snow/cold. Not that I complained…let’s be honest nobody REALLY likes -40 temps. I do love the look of snow falling, swirling & drifting across the prairie. It’s so peaceful when the snow closes off the world, blanketing the modern world & scrubbing everything clean with the icy winds. Of course now I have to deal with shoveling the driveway, warming the cars, paying the heating bill and all that other grown-up stuff. I do love the feeling of cuddling up on the sofa with Hubby & the dogs; a movie on the telly & a hot chocolate. It is a safe haven & I’m hoping the new house will settle well so we can spend the rest of winter cozy & warm.

December, Departing & Depression

Nil17 — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 04:02:19 +0000

Wow, it’s December already. I can hardly believe it’s halfway through the month. In just a couple weeks we’ll be packing up a massive trailer & heading to South Dakota. It will be the first time I’ve lived outside of Minnesota in my life. Not that I haven’t done some traveling but I never felt the need to live anywhere besides here. So my house is in disarray…like far more than what it’s really like. There are boxes everywhere—the one couch is half covered, most of the living room floor, the kitchen counter…well you get the idea. And of course where there aren’t boxes there are stacks of things needing to be wrapped & packed. I haven’t been the help I should be in all this packing either…the “morning sickness” (what a misnomer…I’m just plain nauseous all day long…wicked unending nausea. The only good thing has been no throwing up) keeps me from feeling like I can do much & I’m exhausted. Still I have been working on what I can like books, pictures & all the little fragile things I don’t want to trust anybody else with packing. The next big thing is going through my closet…this is going to be a big job & I’ve been procrastinating big time. However it’s going to have to be by the end of the weekend. There will be a bunch of clothes finding their way into the donation bin. I’m not too hard on clothes so anything that’s in good shape goes & anything not worth saving will go as extra padding for the mirrors, art & various glassware. The thought of moving mostly just makes me cry…yes we’ll be moving to a great house & into better employment situations but there are so many things that I’m leaving behind. My sister Anne whom I am so fortunate to have…the fact that she married into the family in no way makes her any less of a sister than the ones who share bloodlines with me. I will miss the trips into “our” dressing room at Maurices to try on clothes. No matter how much I complain about how ridiculous I look it’s always fun to do it together. Her friendship has been invaluable to me & I love that we are always welcome in her home. On top of everything else my depression hasn’t abated but I’m sublimating it as best I can…trying to focus on keeping calm (not an easy thing for me) and fake it. There are many days where I wake up in the middle of the night & just cry ‘til I fall back to sleep. I can’t explain the feeling…but it’s empty, desolate & black. When I can I play Mozart in my head; using it to calm myself & the baby. After all the dust of this month settles I’m hoping the light I need will make a dim glow somewhere nearby.

She’s (FINALLY) Having A Baby!

Nil17 — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 01:34:25 +0000

I don’t even know where to start….life is moving in so many directions some days I don’t even know which way to turn. We’re supposed to be working hard packing for the move to South Dakota…I say supposed to because it is much easier to promise to do the packing later & go play with Pete, Anne & the boys or snuggle on the couch with a movie. After all it’s cold, cold, COLD here right now. Plus I’m just starting to get past the extreme nausea of the first trimester. That’s right, you read that last sentence correctly…I’m pregnant!! I am entering my fourth month & am excited if really feeling the fatigue of all the changes. Abe has been wonderful taking care of me, helping me when I am too sick to do much & just generally being wonderful to me. He’s as excited as I am though of course he doesn’t say much. It is truly an answer to many many prayers….we both were getting to the point where we didn’t really think that having a baby was going to happen. Now we are pleasantly surprised & shocked to find that parenthood will indeed be something we can participate in enjoying/lamenting. Our little bundle (we won’t find out the sex….all we want is a healthy baby) will arrive on the tentative date of July 6th. We have lots to do to get ready but there’s still time. I will keep you updated on things as I feel like writing…one thing that I’ve noticed is that reading/writing/typing makes my nausea worse. Couldn’t be a more irritating thing since I love to read & would like to work on my writing since I’m not working right now. Still it is the best of all reasons so I’m trying not to get too frustrated with it. It has been HARD keeping the news a “secret” (okay I totally told all my immediate family & some close friends right away) but we’ve decided to let the rest of the world in on the big news. I’m glad ‘cuz it was getting tricky trying to keep from making random comments about how sick I feel or how oddly weepy I get at things. Let me say that dealing with depression & pregnancy hormones really makes the old emotional roller coaster a true 5 alarm emergency some days. Still overall I’m working to keep calm & not be too self-critical (okay in my head I’m still too hard on me but I’m trying to give myself some grace) & most of all take care of myself. We shall see how I survive the next 6 months or so. I won’t even think about labor, delivery & afterwards yet.

This Old House

Nil17 — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:08:16 +0000

Well it’s official….we’ve found a new place to live. Over the last week/weekend we made plans to look at some potential houses for the big move. There were a lot of places that sounded like they’d be great. One was a nice double wide with some additions…it looked really nice. It was on 17 acres which was something I really wanted. However I wasn’t willing to share it with the other tenant who lived in another trailer on the same property. It just seemed like a bad idea to share space with a stranger. Another place we actually went to look at was a nice looking (from the pictures) 2 story farm house on four acres with a fenced in pasture & a barn. Not that we need a barn but with dogs it is nice to be able to put them outside & yet know they have a nice sheltered place to be if we are gone for a few days. Walking into this house gave me the idea that things would be difficult living there. The front corner of the house had settled quite a lot so there was a pronounced slope to the entry & kitchen. I’m fairly certain that putting an egg on the (miniscule) kitchen counter would have led to the egg being smashed in the corner of the room. The dining room was very nice…easily the nicest in the house…with beautiful hardwood floors, built in cabinets & really nice wood throughout. However, there were supposed to be 3 bedrooms…well since the upstairs was not available (some lady likes to come & stay there from time to time I guess. And there isn’t a separate entrance for her plus she’d have to use the main bathroom & kitchen) they had taken the formal sitting rooms (which were divided by a giant pocket door) and closed them off creating 2 “bedrooms”. This meant that there was only one common living area (the dining room) which was NOT large enough to hold our living room furniture let alone a table & chairs. So that left us with one more place to inspect before we were back to square one. The final place we actually went to inspect is 30 miles west of Sioux Falls. A bit further than we’d like but still easily in reach since it’s interstate driving. It’s in town (another thing I especially wanted to avoid as I like my space, don’t really like people, and I want to have plenty of room for our dogs) but it was the right size & the right price! We ended up taking the tour in the dark (the owner had the power shut off & our appointment was for 7 PM) & cold. It was an adventure navigating the house with only flashlights. Still it was a really nice house. There is plenty of space of us & we will have room for guests as well (if we ever have any). There is a teeny back yard so it will be a huge adjustment for the dogs but we have a nice large garage so they can be in there too. Overall we are very happy with the house & know that it’s only temporary as we have a one year lease & then can look for something else if we want. Now comes the packing which I hate. Our house is a jumbled mess (one because I am a terrible housekeeper & two because we’ve started packing already) & we’ve got 3 weeks to pack, clean & move 400 miles in the winter. I have no idea how we will manage to move our stuff (there’s a lot of furniture & things like the grill, lawnmower, dog house) without stealing an 18 wheeler. I can’t think about it too much or I end up crying/having a panic attack. I will miss our old house. It isn’t perfect but it is our little world. We can sit outside without people seeing us, there’s a fire pit & lots of room for the dogs. We have gorgeous trees that flower & turn bright pink in the spring. There are lots of birds & even an occasional deer will wander through. It is my haven, my Fortress of Solitude & I will miss it greatly.

Thanksgiving & Being Grateful

Nil17 — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:00:09 +0000

So I’m going to pull out my English geek for this post & put her on full display. I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving (like everybody else in the US) & how at this time of year we focus on being thankful. I am thankful for a great many things in spite of the very hard year we’ve had. However, I was talking to the divine Ms. Davis & she said not only was she thankful for me (wow, I like that people feel that way about me) but also grateful. It made me think about the two words & how they seem to be very similar. So I fired up my google & checked Merriam-Webster online for the “official” definitons. What I found gave me reason to do some serious thinking….

Main Entry: grate·ful

Pronunciation: \?gr?t-f?l\

Function: adjective

Etymology: obsolete grate pleasing, thankful, from Latin gratus — more at grace

Date: 1552 1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude 2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

Main Entry: thank·ful

Pronunciation: \?tha?k-f?l\

Function: adjective

Date: before 12th century 1 : conscious of benefit received 2 : expressive of thanks 3 : well pleased : glad

I’m going with definition 1 in each case. The first thing that struck me was the way benefits are recognized. In being grateful there is an appreciation of benefits received while with thankful there is conciousness of benefits received. That difference pulled me up short. So many times people say they are thankful for their family, job, house, food etc. (there are always things for which to be thankful) but how many people are grateful for these same things? Being grateful means that you appreciate the benefits & not just merely recognize that they exist (thankful).

Main Entry: ap·pre·ci·ate

Pronunciation: \?-?pr?-sh?-??t, -?pri- also -?pr?-s?-\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): ap·pre·ci·at·ed; ap·pre·ci·at·ing

Etymology: Late Latin appretiatus, past participle of appretiare, from Latin ad- + pretium price — more at price

Date: 1655 transitive verb 1 a : to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of b : to value or admire highly s our work> c : to judge with heightened perception or understanding : be fully aware of d : to recognize with gratitude s your kindness> 2 : to increase the value of

synonyms appreciate, value, prize, treasure, cherish mean to hold in high estimation. appreciate often connotes sufficient understanding to enjoy or admire a thing’s excellence <appreciates fine wine>. value implies rating a thing highly for its intrinsic worth <values our friendship>. prize implies taking a deep pride in something one possesses prize their freedom>. treasure emphasizes jealously safeguarding something considered precious treasured memento>. cherish implies a special love and care for something <cherishes her children above all>.

Now I suppose you are wondering exactly what my point in all this is…after all thankful & grateful are tied together pretty closely. Well mostly my point is that while I have certainly been conscious of the benefits in my life I haven’t necessarily been terribly appreciative. After all I’m certainly thankful for my family, friends, house etc etc etc…but I have failed (sometimes miserably) in expressing that attitude.

I’m not being critical of myself like I tend to be normally when I have fallen short of a mark (whether it is one of my own making or not) although I am adding it to my list of things to be more aware of doing in the future. With the horror of 2009 coming to a close & the big big changes of 2010 speeding toward me I am grateful, thankful & blessed for my life, my husband & my dear friends who are close in spirit if not actual distance. Please remember to be active in showing your thankfulness not only now but also every day of the year.

October Round Up: Yippie Ki Yay

Nil17 — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:55:26 +0000

In this month’s rehash I’m mostly going to post pictures of random things & the visit with my brother TJ, his wife Jen & their boy little A (now I have the Jetsons theme song stuck in my head). October was a month of more struggles for me & Abe. We’ve made some major decisions & life is on the fast track to more change than anybody could possibly want at one time. We do believe that is for the best (in the long run….I hate it with all my being). With that in mind we are relocating by the beginning of 2010. That means lots of crazed packing & cleaning while trying to find housing & employment. Oh and also the adventures of actually making the trip through the wonderful (oh so wonderful….I can’t tell you how wonderful….can you fell the sarcasm yet?) arena of a Minnesota winter. I will do my best to post updates on all of this as it transpires…. Now on to the pictures which is all you care about anyway (and that’s fine ‘cuz there are some great ones! So that’s a bit of what my October ended with. It was a good time & beautifully crisp weather…a perfect fall night.

Swiss Cheese Brain

Nil17 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:10:12 +0000

Haven’t written much lately….I still don’t know what to say & even if I did I’m not sure that it matters. I’ll be honest I’m feeling sad today. I have had 5 pretty good days in a row but I feel my feet slipping on the edge & I am so tired of fighting & trying to deal that slipping into & embracing the blackness sounds soothing…like slipping under my comforter & between the coolness of the sheets. Recently (in fact I’m leaving it on the front page for awhile) I wrote my first ever music review. It was fun if stressful to write it. Fun because it allowed me to listen again & again to an amazing album…stressful because I wanted to do the album justice (among other things). I worked hard on it! Wrote, rested, re-wrote & finally came up with something I think might be pretty okay. I’m confused & overwhelmed…I want to just walk away from my job & not look back. I don’t know that I’d actually be able to do it though. I’m so torn because I know that my leaving is coming at a bad time for the company yet it isn’t my responsibility…I also know I should finish out my lease on our house but I just want to have the army of friends & family amass itself on my front lawn for marching orders. I know I can’t manage all the packing & cleaning that needs to be done. Usually my brain breaks everything down into nice little lists & I can move through them with satisfaction as the check marks grow. Lately though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the simplest tasks…even reading which I can usually do to the detriment of all else holds no appeal. My brain is like Swiss cheese! I have no idea how I got to be so unhappy (honestly I’m so depressed nothing puts a dent in it for long) with things. I’ve always loved the life I have with Abe. We may not have lots of money but we’ve always gotten by & enjoyed what we have. Our priority isn’t how much is in our savings, retirement & checking accounts. I know there are people who think we should focus more on accumulating money & finances in general—frankly they can piss off. I want a modicum of financial security but not at the expense of my relationships. Things haven’t been perfect but we’ve always managed & we will find a better place. Seriously, anybody who can pretend that they knew the economy was going to take a giant dump & leave so many people without jobs is fooling themselves. Anyway, my point is that in spite of or maybe because of our focus being on the people & time shared rather than money we have rich full lives in a way that we can never lose. Having families that share our celebrations & mundane days are precious…I need to remember that more often. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy because our focus has been altered by outside events: long term unemployment (economy is getting better my ass…), major health issues & suddenly money or the lack thereof is the lens through which everything is measured. Living with all of that has depleted me…I’m always ready to give: my time, my thoughts, my ears, my love & compassion—I haven’t taken time to require that I get the same back. I need to find my way back….it’s going to be hard ‘cuz I am not good at asking for help or accepting good things without arguing (I’m working on saying “Thank You” to compliments though).

“Digital Ghosts” by Shadow Gallery : A Review

Nil17 — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:39:41 +0000

The very first note of this album will capture you completely & won’t let go—from the lofty harmonies through the driving beats & furious guitar solos to the exquisite finish, “Digital Ghosts, the new album from Shadow Gallery, is a revelation. I’m a huge fan of music. I have a decent & ever-growing collection of music…listening to shuffle on my playlist can make you feel a little crazy. However, there’s a paucity of progressive rock in that collection of classical, rock, pop, blues & even a zydeco CD. I’ve listened to some Rush & know a couple songs but not many. I’ve heard of Yes & Dream Theater but couldn’t tell you anything about them. So how do I come to be reviewing “Digital Ghosts” a week before the North American debut? Hold on before you go get your pitchforks & torches (yes, I can hear the SG faithful rustling & murmuring). The truth is I’m a major fan! In fact, after really giving a listen I talked to the friend who had turned me on to Shadow Gallery & asked, “How did I go this long without listening to this”? I first picked up on the buzz on Twitter (follow Shadow Gallery @shadowgallerymu) & decided I needed to find out what all the chatter was about. So being the curious girl I am I fired up my Google & off I went. Long story short I hit up their website www.shadowgallery.com & read some of the background etc. (ok I read the whole site) and I went to Youtube & searched out anything they had (you can subscribe to Shadow Gallery’s channel at www.youtube.com/shadowgallerymusic). Finally, I went to Grooveshark & created a playlist of every SG song available…and put it on repeat. After two days of non-stop SG at work I was hooked. Since then I’ve kept up with every announcement, video teaser & mp3 clip. So on to the album! “Digital Ghosts” is nothing short of perfection. The vocals are rich & layered with harmony throughout. Brian Ashland’s voice lends itself effortlessly to the soaring heights of the music. He’s an excellent choice to provide the lead vocals going forward. The music is everything you’d expect from these guys. There’s not one false moment throughout the entire album. Not only have Gary Werhkamp, Carl Cadden-James, Brendt Allman & Brian Ashland lived up to the expectations & hype; they have surpassed it. These guys have taken progressive/symphonic rock/metal & flown to the stratosphere. “With Honor” kicks off this powerful, emotional ride with anthemic music & lush harmony. Setting the tone “…foreign lands of sinking sands so strange & unfamiliar…holding to the code of honor we vowed to defend….with honor we will not walk away….” this song reaches out & shakes you awake. It is a non-stop ride into “Venom”, a classic guitar-fueled metal song with the gritty vocals of Clay Barton (Suspyre) & Carl Cadden-James. It growls “I am the bringer of the rain and the foreteller of the pain, the end of days is near at hand/when God returns your just reward gets paid in metal”. Then proving that any expectations are there to be shattered, SG starts “Pain” with a quiet, ballad-style guitar & stripped down vocals before adding in thudding drums & a truly excellent melt-your-face guitar solo. Here Shadow Gallery digs deep into the sense of loss & pain to which we can all relate. ”Clinging on so tight/I bled my hands/I draw the shades & hang my head…love’s the air I need to breathe…on the battlefield you were never there beside me…” From there “Gold Dust” swells with synthesized keyboards and hope. It’s filled with the promise of reuniting across time & space with a loved one—“You & I lie awake for hours separated by the world/well I can’t see you ~ you can’t see me but somehow I can feel you stand inside my soul”. Creating a feeling of flight in spirit “moonbeams on my ways & always in my skies…you float/you’re a dream/you take my hand and we roam/we run, we rock ‘cuz you are the one” Shadow Gallery takes us on a cosmic trip. The second half of the album opens “Strong”— which is a good old-fashioned rock song. Exploding with all of Shadow Gallery’s musical strength “young & proud/hard & loud/ on the wing/everything/what gives you strength/what gives you courage for tomorrow…concrete running through our veins…in the dark/from the heart”. When the chorus of “One for all, All for One” starts up it’s impossible not to raise a fist & make the vow. In the title track, “Digital Ghost”, the band evokes hope in the face of grief. The opening cadence creates the feeling of a drum line…Shadow Gallery is marching forward & we are privileged to be invited along. The band expresses vividly the idea that there is more out there than what we can see. “I believe in the afterlife…through Heaven’s hallowed hall…charismatic countenance upon a distant fading sky”. ”Ashes to ashes they say, then dust to dust…the circle remains here my friend, guarded with trust…we will suffer no last goodbye” reaffirms the sense that those we have lost (like Mike Baker) are still with us in mighty spirit. Closing out this powerhouse album is “Haunted”. Another song that starts slowly with a lone piano & simple vocals “who waits for me/who waits so long/and shall I wait for dawn…or shall I sink into myself…” Looking for answers among all the questions that haunt the quiet dark nights yet “Maybe in time I’ll fly away & trade these wings in for a life/a life where I am stronger and a place where there’s no sleepless nights…”. The lyrics are filled with longing that is compounded as the song fades out. Each song is a testament to the true genius of these guys—a showcase for their mighty talents and yet you are never left with a sense that any of them are “showing off”. The lyrics are powerful & stirring. Although the overall tone of the album is somewhat dark & deals with “loss” as a general theme it is also a steadfast statement for moving forward in the face of loss. I defy you to listen, truly listen & not walk away feeling stronger & better for it. The music & lyrics combine to form a sublime experience that will live inside listeners long after they turn the CD off. In the words of Shadow Gallery it is indeed filled with “enduring anthems crossing time & crossing minds”. *Author’s Note* all lyrics are used with permission of Shadow Gallery © 2009

A Little Bit of Patting My Own Back

Nil17 — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:14:01 +0000

As you may have noticed I don’t have a lot of positive stuff to say lately….tough is my first response to that observation. I’ve never been Ms. Positivity to begin with….the fact that things are craptastic right now hasn’t done anything to improve my outlook. For all you “count your blessings” people out there I say *blows raspberry* Jog On! There is one small area that is going in the direction I want. I’m not going to look the gift (? really not so much a gift as my damn gallbladder…) horse in the mouth on this one but it seems I’m shrinking. I started out the year with the intent of getting into a better shape…well a more fit shape….I love looking like a girl & don’t want to lose all my nice round parts. However, I did decide that I needed to be more fit & have more stamina if I wanted to continue hike etc. So with a goal in mind & a WiiFit in my living room I embarked on my mission. I did pretty good for a few months…slowly working up the length & intensity of my workouts until I was doing about an hour of rhythm boxing & step aerobics coupled with yoga. I felt pretty good about it too…coming home after a day in workhell & strapping on my Rykas, stepping on the Fit & off I’d go. Then as spring progressed I started to feel more fatigued no matter how much sleep I got, stress piled up & my gallbladder bothered me to where I just couldn’t push myself to work out every day. It wasn’t long before the workouts came to a screeching halt. As you know I got a trip to the hospital in early August & that little “vacation” induced 2 weeks of nothing but clear liquids. Let me tell you that’ll make the scale seem friendlier in a hurry. Anyway, now nearly 3 months later I’m still very careful what I eat (most of the time…if I do indulge in something it’s just a teeny bit ‘cuz the pain if I don’t would fell a hippo (which I’m resembling less all the time) so I avoid that like the plague). As a result I have shrunk a noticeable amount since January…I’m quite happy with the results. The slight downside (yet best indicator of my progress) is that none of my pants fit…I mean seriously it’s a little dangerous ‘cuz one good yank & the pants are at my ankles. Even the pair of jeans I bought that were 2 sizes smaller than my old ones are getting to be on the big side. I’m going to have to win the lottery at some point to get some better fitting attire…even if that means having everything I own altered to a smaller size. I have a new goal in mind & part of that is to increase my flexibility with more yoga. Once I feel ok about having my picture taken (read NEVER, you can’t pay me enough to do it) I’ll post pics of me in my more compact size…. Overall though in spite of all the difficulties, struggles, depression & generally challenging times right now I feel like I deserve a little pat on the back.

Familiarity Breeds….Fear of the Unknown

Nil17 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:08:51 +0000

I don’t know what I’m doing…which for me is a huge problem. I always want to know where I’m headed. I like to have a plan of action, a course to follow, a map to read. I don’t mind taking detours if I’m not just wandering aimlessly. It’s the perfectionist (no that doesn’t apply to my housekeeping…I’m a slob when it comes to that, don’t judge me or I’ll point out your spelling & grammar mistakes) in me; the control freak who needs to know what’s coming. I dislike, no make that loathe, change. There’s so much going on right now & I’m a mess…I’m talking total disaster! It’s “call for federal aid, Hurricane (insert name here) has hit” time. It’s “She can’t take no more Cap’n, she’s starting to break” type stuff….

It’s been nearly 22 months since Abe was last employed. He’s done odd jobs here & there, taken every dollar of unemployment available, tried to make a go of Black Ash & More, applied for every job between here & Bedlam…problem is there just aren’t jobs. The few that are out there (and it’s VERY few) mostly don’t even make it feasible for him to drive to work ‘cuz the pay is so low & the number of miles too great. Of course I can already hear the “you should move” comments. If only it were just that simple…

We don’t have the finances to move…without going into that whole matter let’s just say that coming up with 2+ months rent isn’t going to happen. We’ve cleaned out the retirement accounts ages ago, our savings is gone…our credit….well we won’t go there either. Anything positive we had going came to a screeching halt 2 years ago & we’re sinking now. Not to mention the logistics….

Of course there are benefits…Abe can get a good job again. It’ll mean a lot to him & I will do anything to support him. Moving to the location we are considering would put us closer to his brother in Missouri & a lot closer to my family all of whom I do miss. Yet we’ll be further from his dad, his brother & wife and their boys up here. We won’t be that stone’s throw from the North Shore & all the places we’ve grown to love. The places that refresh my spirit & inspire my soul…the places I’m proud to know & to which I want to play travel guide for visiting friends. Will I ever visit again & feel the wonder that sinks deep into the core of me? I don’t know…right now everything is clouded. I’m not good with change…even when I want to make it. Right now I don’t want to make a change even though my logic tells me that it is what I must do.

I’m afraid….afraid that I’m never going to feel like me, that the people I care for & consider to be my close friends will decide that I’m too much work (I know, I know…my real friends won’t do that…doesn’t make the fear any less real), I’m afraid of losing myself.