On Sunday I took my kids and husband & we went to see this family.  Now I think the last time I saw any of the kids was about 22 years ago.  I’m guessing but I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since that’s when the oldest girl, C, graduated from high school.  So for the first 18 years of my life I knew them well.  We hung out, slept over, tore around each other’s farms & generally spent a lot of time together.  Now we’re all grown, have spouses/SO & kids, jobs etc.  There’s a lot of life that has happened to all of us.

As we were talking it was like the intervening years shrank into a split second.  We all looked the same (barring a few gray hairs, wrinkles & pounds), we laugh the same & the joint memories of childhood were recalled with laughter & hidden tears.

I am so sad that it has taken a very sad time in their lives for us to reconnect.  Seeing their Dad lying in that bed made my heart hurt so much.  Partly because he is someone I know & we never want to see good people suffer.  However, I also have to acknowledge that I’m not getting any younger & that means my parents aren’t either.  I’m not ready to face that.  I know that doesn’t matter; that nothing changes the fact that death will come for each of us.

I can’t imagine how my friends feel.  Every time their dad comes out of sedation for a little bit they wonder if it is the last time.  Will they ever see his eyes open again?  Will they ever get to hold his hand and feel it’s warmth after this second?  So many questions & the unknown of where they end.  I simply pray that they are all given peace to endure this time, grace to withstand the pain & love overflowing as they say the words that we are sometimes robbed of the chance to say.

Author’s Note: A few short hours after I wrote this I got word that my friends’ dad had died.  While I am deeply saddened for their loss I am glad to know that he is free of pain & his fragile earthly body.  He is now at peace & reunited with his wife.

With my trial membership activated I decided to go as much as possible during the month in hopes of getting into the habit of exercising every day.  Not that chasing a 17 month old & carrying a baby aren’t exercise cuz believe me they are… but I need a formal program to get my butt into a better shape.  So I’ve been to the gym twice more since Friday.  Monday I did stair stepper, walked the track to cool down a bit, did the elliptical & then some free weights.  Wednesday I did 10 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the treadmill (this included ACTUAL RUNNING—I blame the running on Shadow Gallery…their song Venom is in my workout mix & it just doesn’t work to walk to that song) & then 15-20 minutes of free weights.  I woke up Thursday morning & my whole body hurt like hell…my muscles ached & I woke with a sore throat too.

I did force myself to go to the gym on Thursday night.  I did some time on the elliptical and then went to the treadmill.  I started out walking at a decent pace—no ambling, sight-seeing type walk.  Then Disturbed came blasting through my headphones & off I went running  jogging.  I say running because it’s as close to running as I’m willing to get.  Not only am I not in running shape (if I trip I’d roll like an ever growing snowball in a cartoon) but I’m not built for speed…In fact I don’t think there’s a sports bra in existence that would withstand the punishment I’d unleash on it.

Anyway, after my elliptical & treadmill I headed over to the free weights for some strength training.  I did my usual lifts & then grabbed the small medicine ball for some oblique twists.  As I finished with the oblique twists the guy that was working the desk walked by & we started chatting.  He told me that I looked like I was killing it on the weights & twists.  I was glad to get the positive feedback from a total stranger.  Good to know that I don’t look like a total fool.

Friday I went to the main gym & Zumba’d with my sister-in-law Zia.  It was a good time but I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out the steps & keep pace while modifying some of the moves that I’m not getting as good of a workout.  I was sweaty after the 45 minute class was done though so I may keep trying that class once a week.

This morning I only got in 15 minutes on the elliptical before I had to go as children/life butted in quite rudely.  However, I pushed myself those 15 minutes & felt okay about it.  Tomorrow was going to be a day of rest but now I’m thinking I may try to go just to keep the momentum going.

After the workout I did a little shopping in the afternoon.  Well, mostly I returned a bunch of workout clothes I had purchased to try on.  I kept one top & returned 3 pairs of pants.  The biggest reason I returned the pants was I couldn’t decide which size to keep.  Currently I’m in a size 18/20 but I tried on the 14/16 and while they are form-fitting they aren’t ridiculously tight.  It’s been a long time since I could even think of trying on 14/16 pants so I decided to wait on purchasing anything and see where I am after the beginning of 2012. Especially since I’m participating in the 2011 Reverse Resolution Challenge over at Fit This, Girl…I am excited to see how I fare through the holiday season.

Today I had the wild idea of participating in the 2011 Jingle Bell 5k run/walk here in Sioux Falls.  It is Friday, November 26th in the evening.  I’ve done 2 5k run/walk events in the past (I walked both) & would like to do some again.  What better time to start then while I’m working hard at working out?

I’ll keep you posted on what I decide to do…now I better go cuz Marit is missing her mommy.

Editor’s note: I started writing this on Monday, October 10th.  As you can tell I didn’t get it finished then…it has taken me nearly 2 weeks to finish this post.  Enjoy the flashback. ~nil

Abe had to finish up some work in Dickinson, ND this past week (Oct 3-7) which meant leaving me & the kids on our own.  I decided pretty quickly that I wasn’t quite ready to do it all on my own 24/7 so I talked Mom into “letting” us stay for as long as I needed.  (I admitted I needed help; I must be growing up….)

Bright & early Monday I was awakened by the dogs barking at the Fed-Ex man.  He was about to leave a note when I pelted down to the front door.  Dressed in a long sleeved tshirt, no glasses (or pants), barely conscious I managed to take delivery of my replacement phone.  Were I looking more fetching I’m sure me, answering the door sans pants, would have been the Fed-Ex guy’s favorite stop of the day…

Anyway, I managed to pack everything the three of us would need for a week, take a shower & get both kids ready and in the car by just a after 1.  A fairly quick stop at Verizon to get the new phone activated and we were on our way to the farm.  Magnus was very excited to see Grandma B & I was happy to let him chase after Grandma.  It was a really good week & things went very smoothly.  Magnus only had one night where he decided to have a screaming fit at O’dark-thirty.  We spent one afternoon in Tyler playing with the cousins & Auntie Jenn took some photos of Marit.  We also got to spend time with Auntie Zia & cousin JaZiah.

Magnus was working on his walking while we were at the farm.  He will take one or two steps on his own when he wants to but simply refuses to just let go and really go for it. (yeah, don’t we all have that problem with so many different things in life?!)  Magnus also worked on his words…he doesn’t speak English but rather he has a language all his own.  He babbles non-stop but I’m the only one who really understands a lot of it.  He will say a few words: dog, cup, juice, Momma & his big favorite is “Wow”.  He has two kinds of wow.  The first is just a plain spoken “wow” in a normal tone of voice.  The second is the one that means he is really impressed with something.  His little mouth forms a perfect “O’, his voice drops to a whisper & he says, “Woooow”.  There’s almost a hint of “wh” in it and his eyes get really big, eyebrows arched super high.   It is the funniest thing & so fun to see Magnus delight in discovering his world.

Anyway, Friday we saw Auntie Beth & then headed for home.  I called Abe to see where he was only to find out he had arrived home about 4:30 AM.  Here I had thought he was driving back from ND and he was already home.  The kids & I hurried home & Magnus was beyond excited to see Daddy.

Saturday we bummed around town & visited a few shops because it was gorgeous outside so we took a stroll through downtown Sioux Falls.  We also met up with my brother & his family at a local orchard where there was a harvest festival.  Magnus wasn’t too keen on getting his photo taken with a pumpkin but I did manage to snap a couple of Marit.

After a little time in the pumpkin patch we walked over to the main event area.  There were more places to take photos (hay bales, pumpkins etc… we didn’t avail ourselves of them though as none of us were dressed for proper photos), a general store, food vendors, pony rides, bouncy castles & a petty zoo.  The pony rides were too expensive & Magnus is still a bit young, the bouncy castles were serious trauma waiting to happen so into the petting zoo area we went.  Magnus wasn’t very impressed with the goats or donkeys but he LOVED the little chickens.  I don’t know exactly what kind they were but I know they were a bantam breed.  Very cute little gray speckled chickens with bright red combs…Abe & Magnus got down close to the fence & watched the chickens pecking in the dirt.  Magnus was full of chatter about the little chickens & he kept pointing to their pen as he talked about them.  We kept going back to the pen because he didn’t want to say goodbye.

Sunday we went watched the Vikings lose (again) before going out again & to run errands in the afternoon.  We did the basic Target/Wal-mart/Hy-vee run.  After that we decided to meet up with my brother Rob & his family for dinner.  After much texting back & forth we decided to try the new hibachi/sushi place that recently opened.

Tokoyo Sushi & Hibachi is a nice casual restaurant & is fairly kid friendly.  The food was fantastic!  Easily the best fried rice in town.  I am looking forward to saving our pennies & trying some of the more spendy items on the menu (lobster, shrimp, maybe even the squid if I’m feeling brave).

Anyway, Magnus was in awe from the second the chef created his trademark fireball.  Magnus immediately began to clap & the “Woooow!” in full sotto voce was heard about 1000 times. The more the chef showed off his skills with the spatula & fork the more Magnus clapped & bounced on my lap.  His cousin, Grayson, was equally impressed & kept waving his hands in the air like he was starting “the wave” at a sporting event.  I’m pretty sure that no matter how long that chef cooks he will never find a more appreciative audience than our boys were that night.  Magnus thoroughly enjoyed the fried rice & chicken as well as the taste of shrimp tempura. These were jumbo shrimp & I had to fight for my share as Magnus wasn’t keen on sharing.

All in all it was a fun night out & made even better by having Magnus along.

I did get to go out later that afternoon when Abe got home to finish running my errands.  Abe was wonderful & kept both kids for the hour I was out.  I hit Verizon for a portable wifi device & then Wal-mart for the antibiotics.  There was a lot of standing in line which tested my patience.  Walking to checkout I spied the women’s section & something in bright pink.  A quick detour showed that yoga pants (the nice ones from Danskin) were not only in my size (I was hoping) but a very reasonable $12.  I knew time was running short so into the self-check lane, a quick stop at Subway & off to home.  Everything was well under control when I got home (much to my relief but not to my surprise).  Marit was ready to eat so everybody had dinner & we vegged out on the couch.  I tried on my new pants and after a little LOT of obsessing decided they don’t look awful & I can wear them in public w/o being openly ridiculed.

Wednesday night was not a good night.  Magnus was up a lot with his ear ache & Marit decided she didn’t want to sleep her normal 4 hour cycles.  Thursday dawn found me blearily dealing with diaper changes & finding all the stuff I needed to take along for a day at my sister-in-law’s house.  Her usual daycare helper was gone so I went over to lend a hand with the 5 kids she watches.  Add in my 2, her 1 & the one kid that comes after school is out & it was chaos.  All of us were exhausted when we crashed at home later that night.

In the meantime (great, now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day…) I was listening to Falling Deeper by Anathema & trying to formulate a review for Dante’s Prog Blog Inferno.  I was procrastinating as I much prefer to be the silent editor & gal Friday over there.  However there was much insisting that I get with the program & just write already.

Friday morning I was able to sleep a little later & we had a nicely relaxed start to our day.  Errands & browsing for home decor with my sister-in-law Jilli in the afternoon went fine & the kids were great.  We ended the night with dinner out at Tinner’s (mmmm… egg & cheese burger), dessert at PeachWave (blueberry cheesecake fro-yo is teh nomz) & eventually home to tuck the kids in bed.  I attempted to write my review that night but didn’t get more than the opening paragraph done.

We were out again on Saturday morning & moving considerably more slowly.  Abe helped my brother & sister-in-law pick out doors for their basement which is slowly being finished.  Then the guys went to unload the doors & do “man stuff” while we girls (Marit included) went to the giant craft show at the convention center.  I popped Marit into her sling & into the hoard we went.  There was a lot of nice stuff but I was mainly there to browse.  I did find a very cute dress, knit hat & headband w/flowers for Marit in one of the doll clothes booths.  I looked in some of the other booths for a Halloween costume but didn’t get anything.  I may have to look again & get one of the fairy dresses…they are too cute for words.

After all our roaming about was done we spent the night in & relaxed.  I finally managed to write my review & then it was bed where we all got a pretty decent night sleep.  Today is football day & the Vikings haven’t totally fallen apart….yet.  This week should be a quiet one though we are hoping for a visit from Grandma B.  Hope you all have restful weekends & can face the week ready to tuck & roll as each day comes.

It’s 3:36 AM & I just tucked Marit into her bassinet at the foot of the bed. Magnus has his feet in my back & Abe is sleeping (a little twitchy but at least he hasn’t sleep boxed me). I know in a few minutes Abe will sleepily turn over to scoop Magnus closer.  Seeing that act of protection, even in sleep, makes my heart swell every time. 

While I have been awake nursing & changing (and nursing & changing) Marit we had our alone time.  The moments we have just mommy & baby are rare & generally in the wee hours when I blearily fumble to feed her.  Tonight though I was awake & got the precious gift of just watching Marit. 

She lay there, tucked into the crook of my right arm, snuggled tight against me & her eyes opened wide.  The faint light from my phone (I lurv the flashlight app.  So handy for the 3 am feeding.) allowing me to watch as she looked at me.

At first she glanced at my face & her look quickly slid away as if the shadows held better things to contemplate.  I whispered to her & her gaze returned to me—more interest this time, wary & wide eyed. Again she looked around into the dark world & my whispers drew her back to me.

I turned Marit so she was facing me, head cradled in my hands, feet resting against the vertical line that was her door to this world.  I kept up the whispered words.  “Such a beautiful girl”,  “Momma loves her Little Bit”,  “So sweet, precious baby”,  “Marit, I love you”.  Her eyes widened and she looked straight into my eyes.  A slow blink from her as she studied me, looking into the deepest part of my soul. And then  she sighed, deep contentment settled on her.

It was the most perfect moment.  Seeing, feeling the love she has for me.  No judgment about anything; just peace & love.

As tears formed I tucked Marit back into the crook of my right arm so she could eat.  She nestled in & went right to work.  (Marit doesn’t mess around when it comes to mealtime.  The girl is all business about her milk.) As she got closer to sleep her tugging on me slowed until I felt her head drop all the way back. 

I pray she has sweet dreams.  I pray that the feeling of peace & love we passed between us endures her teenage years.  I pray that some day I will get to witness her experience the wonder of having her own little girl & tbeir moment just before 3:36 am.