Life has an odd way about it.  The threads that weave our existence are varied in color & texture yet there are so many similarities among us.  The foundations of our experiences my happen at different stages but celebration, mourning & the emotions that come with them are universal.  Family (in its many forms) is one commonality with which we all deal.

You’re probably wondering what brought all this on…the short answer is death.  The long answer is seeing two people whom I know (one is a cousin, the other is a friend on Twitter) deal with the loss of family members over the past two weeks.  My cousin lost her husband; my friend a sister.  Two vastly different situations on the surface yet I see this faint connection in family bonds (or lack thereof).

My cousin had a hard life growing up. I won’t go into details but I will say that she lost her mom when she was in her early teens.  For reasons that are complex she & her younger sister moved in with my family.  As you can imagine there was plenty of conflict.  The extended family has issues aplenty as well so that didn’t help the situation.  My cousin is now in her 20s, a mom of two beautiful children & going to school.  She built a life (and family) for herself where she feels secure.  That security was badly damaged recently when her husband died last week.  It was a sudden loss; one that wasn’t exactly expected though we all knew it was possible (her husband had sickle-cell anemia).

As I kept up with my cousin via Facebook I saw an outpouring of love from people I don’t know but who obviously care deeply for my cousin.  Family (blood relatives–uncles, aunts, cousins) also expressed their sympathies for the loss.  Several of them expressed their intent to attend the funeral as a show of support.  However, there was a pre-planned family weekend…all the aunts & uncles were getting together.  Since this weekend had been planned for a year suddenly nobody was free to attend the funeral.  I can’t begin to express my irritation at that attitude.  Yes, there has been plenty of turmoil & whatnot.  Still how much would really have been missed by taking a couple hours out of a weekend to support a niece in the middle of a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching tragedy?

While I was hearing/seeing this play out in my family I also listened to a friend on Twitter as she grieved the loss of a sister.  Again in this instance family turmoil (to put it mildly) is making a time of sorrow that much more difficult.  Rather than rehashing my friend’s tale in my own poor words I encourage you to go here & read what she has to say.

The point of my post is that family bonds are what we make of them.  Both my cousin & my friend have created their own families.  When faced with the option of being part of dealing with blood relatives that are less than congenial or finding their own way they both chose the 2nd option.  This has allowed them to surround themselves with a “family” of people who may or may not be related by blood but are definitely related by love. Not only have they created a family structure that fits their needs but they value themselves enough to know it is necessary.

What family bonds do you cultivate?  What family bonds have you replaced? For me I cultivate the bonds with my immediate family & Abe’s family.  I have added in people who are like sisters.  There are some bonds–like those of my grandparents who are no longer living that can never be replaced.

One of my favorite bands is going on tour.  Of course life being what it is I’m unable to attend any of the tour appearances.  The tour preview is on the East Coast this coming weekend.  (Too bad I don’t have a sack of money lying around…Magnus would enjoy the concert as much I me.)  The official tour starts October 3–in the Netherlands.  Ah well, some day I will be at a Shadow Gallery concert with my little rocker in tow. (Magnus has been listening to SG since he was in the womb & he loves it.)

If you are in Europe this fall check out one or more of the shows listed below.

Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting.  He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the  years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows.  So many precious times to be lived & cherished.

As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother.  Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly.  More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles.  Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age.  Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be.  She forgets important things like latching her door.  Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times.  Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit.  Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night.  I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house.  I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work.

Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.

This past weekend we attended my family reunion in New Ulm, MN.  We’ve had the Lee family (my maternal grandmother & her brothers et al) reunion as long as I can remember.  I talked about it in this post.

We haven’t gone in the past few years as it was a long trip for a few short hours.  This year we are closer & we were anxious to show off Magnus to the extended family.  There weren’t many people in attendance & unfortunately it appears that this will be the last year we have the reunion.  I’m saddened by this…so many of my childhood summer memories are tied up with this event.  I would love for my child (and my nieces/nephews) to have a similar experience.  However, the family circle has drifted to all corners of the country & a yearly reunion just isn’t feasible.  It remains to be seen what will happen. In the meantime I got a few pictures that I really want to share from this year.

The other night Magnus was sleeping early so Abe & I were snuggling; enjoying the quiet time together.  After a few minutes of silence I asked what he was thinking about.  “Nothing much, just you”, he replied.  I laughed; it figures that is the answer I would get.  Abe isn’t big on sharing what goes on inside his head.  Many times I feel like some sort of mind-reading machine trying to figure out what’s up with him.

After a few more minutes Abe asked what I was thinking about.  “I’m a girl; there are hundreds of thoughts floating around in my brain.  In fact, I really wish I could just shut it off for awhile”, I turned to look at him, “You really don’t want to hear all the stuff that’s floating around up there”.  We bantered back and forth for a bit about it.  Abe kept insisting he wanted to know what I was thinking; I kept telling him that letting that loose would ruin our quiet mood.  Finally to end the discussion I started listing things that were popping up as thoughts.  (I have heard the brain described as an intricate filing system.  Men can have 2 maybe 3 drawers open at a time; any more & their filing cabinet tips over making a mess.  Women can have dozens of drawers open at one time & quickly flip between them.  Not only that but women can leave drawers partially open while men shut each drawer firmly.) Here in no particular order are some of the thoughts that I expressed last night….

I’m wondering about moving again, how we will manage the actual move, the logistics of packing with an additional person in the family, how we will manage to clear snow this winter since we don’t have a snow blower & it’s a much larger area than Abe can realistically shovel, how I’m going to furnish/decorate the new house, how Magnus will like the new house, how the dogs will like the new house, that I need the psychologist to call me back so I can make an appointment to discuss taking different meds for my depression, my depression doesn’t seem to be helped by my current meds so what difference does it make if I take them, I need to do my laundry, what to make for my family reunion on Saturday, will the weather be decent on Saturday, how will Magnus deal with traveling that far, will Magnus be in a good frame of mind, what should I wear to the reunion, I hate my hair–I wish it looked nicer, I feel defectivebrokendented, will I ever feel like “myself” again, I need to start back on my WiiFit, I don’t have the motivation to start back on the WiiFit, I need a job, I need to be able to stay home & take care of Magnus, I wish I could get paid to write, how can I get paid to write when I can’t even manage to update my blog on a semi-regular basis….

You get the idea anyway.  As I was listing off things that I was thinking about more & more popped into my head.  It was a bit like that scene in “Ghostbusters” where the poltergeist makes all the cards fly out of the card catalogue.  I told Abe that I felt like my brain was full of posty notes randomly stuck all without any discernible pattern.  He laughed as I went on a spiel about how with all those posty notes stuck everywhere it was no wonder my brain wasn’t working right & that I was forgetting things…new posties keep getting stuck on top of old ones.

That’s some of what I’m thinking about…what are YOU thinking about?

Last week was the regional fair.  There were a lot of musical acts performing & we decided to check out the Friday night concert.  Lifehouse was the main act with The Spill Canvas as the opening act.

The Spill Canvas is a local band that I was just introduced to a couple weeks before the concert.  After listening to their new album I was very excited to see them live.  I’ve been aware of Lifehouse for several years & so we decided that this would be a great time to take Magnus to his first concert.  (Okay his first concert since he was born.  We attended RockFest 2010 in Kansas City, MO this past May.  He bumped & grooved in my belly throughout that event.)

Anyway here are some photos of us in the grandstand before the concert. Enjoy!

There have been very few posts on here lately & they have pretty much been serious & a bit depressing. I won’t apologize for that because I’m hella depressed. However I have not forgotten to notice the beauty around me. Though I haven’t been outside much this summer I have managed to take pictures while traveling to & from the doctor’s office.

Out here my scenery is comprised of extensive corn & soybean fields covered in a bright blue bowl filled with puffy clouds. Summer here is hot & humid during the day; the nights are hot, humid & stormy. Many nights I have woken to fierce lightning & thunder rocking my house. When the rain starts drumming on the house & lawn I roll over, snuggle deeper into the covers and slide into slumber again.

Anyway, here are some of the pictures I’ve captured this summer….

It has been just over six weeks since Magnus was born. He was just a little peanut when he came home…and while he has grown he is still a little peanut. We are blessed that he is healthy & so aware. He loves to be held where he can look around. There are times where my arms are exhausted but I love that Magnus is a snuggly baby. He loves to snuggle with both of us. Magnus is our sweetie baby…he has the sweetest smile & is a bit of a flirty boy already.

I had my six week post partum check-up today. My doctor says I’m in good shape for going back to being active. I’m excited to be able to start doing yoga again. In fact I’m going to have my good friend Mary over at Fit This! Girl put together a work out regimen for me.  Since I’ve already lost 50 pounds I think I’m well set to get more fit so I can keep up with Magnus as he gets more active.  This summer has been hard for me to be so inactive.  The sweltering weather has made me feel a bit better about being housebound.  It has been far to hot & humid to be outside during the afternoon (morning too for the most part).  I do miss the hiking & other activities we used to do up at the North Shore.  Hopefully we will be able to make a trip up there to visit this fall.

Other than that I’m trying to put a positive face on when facing the “public”.  Reality is that I’m not coping all that well emotionally.  As much as I have always wanted a baby & as much as I’m completely head over heels in love with Magnus I wonder if maybe I was meant to be a mom.  Many times I feel that Magnus would be better off with a different mommy…that someone else would do a better job than I. In light of that I’ve talked with my doctor & we have increased my meds twice.  Now I’m under orders to see a psych to discuss what my options are for changing meds.  I’m not wild about this idea at all.  I’d much prefer my chosen method of ignoring it as much as possible.  If I won’t even talk about it with Abe I certainly don’t want to discuss it with a complete stranger.  However, I know that the better I feel the better I will be at being a mommy for Magnus.

Right now Magnus is sleeping in his swing, the dogs are sleeping around the house & my mind is a mess. I’m beyond tired, I need a shower, I’m nearly out of clean clothes to wear, my house is a disaster again & Abe is gone until Tuesday night. At least Magnus seems to be getting over his cold (though he’s still congested).

Now before you tell me that this is what being a mommy is all about let me halt you. I am very aware of it…and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Okay, I’d change the lack of sleep…but everything else Magnus related I can handle. I’ve found wells of patience that nobody in the world would have imagined I could possess. Even though we’ve had days & nights of crying/screaming until Magnus is hoarse; I don’t feel at all close to getting upset other than I’ve cried because I feel bad for not being able to comfort him. When he cries that hard my heart breaks a little. Of course when he calms down & looks at me with his wide eyes I am captivated.

My brain feels split in two though. I’m so excited & feel amazingly blessed to have the honor of being a mom. I truly enjoy the feedings & don’t even mind the diapers (it’s only been seven weeks…that could certainly change) that seem to pile up everywhere. On the other hand I’m sad, feeling isolated & very much alone. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even have the words really. Mostly I feel like I’m watching everything from outside myself. There’s this film over everything–like a shade between what I’m experiencing as a mom & my thoughts. I loathe feeling the disconnect–I know it keeps me from truly living every day.  This summer is passing me by so fast it is a blur of days that are notable only for their sameness.  I can only pick out a few days as being special.  Obviously the day of Magnus’ birth….

Basically I don’t really know what to say without spilling all my worry & depression out.  So I’m trying to be silent & if I can’t be silent I’m trying to fake being okay….