I was so looking forward to those last five weeks of having my little boy as my baby.  The mornings snuggled in bed, the days playing on the floor & napping in the afternoon.  There aren’t words for how much I love Magnus…he is my heart & my miracle child.  Above all I hope he knows that while Marit is loved and adored it doesn’t take one ounce of love from him.  In fact there’s more than enough love for both of them.

It’s been a tough adjustment at times for me to see Magnus moving around the house, independent & wanting to do his own thing.  He took his first steps in my hospital room.  I was so glad I got to see it!  He hasn’t done any walking since so he isn’t too grown up yet.

I can tell he will be a good big brother.  He loves to get diapers for me when Marit needs to be changed.  He also enjoys giving Marit her pacifier when she cries.  Of course he likes taking it back just as much so it doesn’t always comfort her.  It’s cute to see him watch Marit.  Magnus gets a big smile on his face when he hears Marit coo & he hurries to look at her; sometimes he pats (not as gently as I’d like) her head.

Of course Magnus still loves to be noticed & show off for anybody who takes the time to notice him.  If a passerby should mention what a big boy he is & how he has such a cute little sister his grin is ear to ear.  I’m so proud of my little guy…he makes me smile & I love every moment.

Abe & I have wanted kids since the beginning of our relationship.  It was just something that wasn’t even discussed much we both just knew that we wanted to have children as part of our family.  It took a long time to realize that dream…in fact we had reached the point where we had tacitly agreed that having our own kids probably was never going to happen.  So we worked hard at being aunt & uncle to some great nephews & a niece.  Then beyond explanation suddenly I was pregnant.  The look of disbelief on our faces when that little home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines at 5:30 am had to be one of the more priceless moments in our lives.

I did my best to eat right, exercise, drink lots of water and all the other things good expectant mothers do.  Then the trouble started.  I was ordered to bed rest (fortunately not total confinement or I would have lost my mind) & made many, many trips to the doctor to monitor my blood pressure & other factors for preeclampsia.  About a week before my due date the hospital called & told me to come in right away.  I was in danger with preeclampsia & they needed to induce labor.  I packed a bag for myself, a bag for Abe (he was at work) and drove myself to the hospital.  Abe met me & thus began the grueling process of having Magnus.  With Magnus safely born & in the NICU I was sent to a room to recover from my c-section and to get my blood pressure under control.

Nearly a week went by from the day Magnus was born until we were released from the hospital.  Magnus had spent 5 days in NICU, I had spent 7 days total in the hospital—I hadn’t ever been alone with him.  We hadn’t changed a diaper until he was 3 days old & I was struggling to breast feed.  All the drugs that I had during the labor induction & the following days were slowing down my body’s natural responses.  I was totally lost.  I would end up sitting in the bathroom of my hospital room at 2:30 am sobbing uncontrollably.  I had no idea what to do with this little life I had so desperately desired.  My instinct was to tell the nurses that I couldn’t take him home.  He was so tiny, so helpless & he needed me.

I talked to my doctor (and I urge any woman who is feeling lost & helpless to tell their doctor) we upped my depression medication which helped.  I still had feelings of being totally out of my element.  No matter what you read, study, or plan it goes right out the window when reality slams into your dreams of what having a baby will be like.  Forget the co-sleep/don’t co-sleep, circumcize/don’t circumcize, breast/bottle debates.  Do what works for you!  There is no reason it is anybody’s business why you parent in a certain manner.  No matter what you do half the population will tell you it is wrong.

The truth is that nobody really knows what they are doing.  Every day is an experiment in controlled insanity—do your best & what’s healthy for your baby.  If that means in order to get some sleep the baby sleeps with you then so be it.  Use a proper co-sleeping bassinet that either fits between the parents or close to the side of the bed.  There are many different options for that.  The same goes for breastfeeding.  Some women simply are unable to breastfeed.  This does NOT make them poor mothers…it makes them human & subject to the vagaries of the human condition.  As long as your baby is fed, healthy & happy is doesn’t matter how you accomplish that.  Be proud of taking care of your child—that is the MOST important thing.

There are many opinions on how to nurture, raise & discipline your children.  Right now my struggle is what do I do with a kid that just refuses to sleep sometimes?  He is upstairs in his pack n play with a pacifier, his blankie & a cup of juice…all the things that he needs to nap.  Instead he is crying & screaming his head off.  I’ve tried the Ferber method of letting him cry…it doesn’t work with my son.  He will scream for hours at a time if left alone.  I simply can’t bear it…it makes my heart hurt to hear him cry like that.  So in a couple minutes I will go up & pick him up, cuddle him close & try rocking him.  He will fight me, he does every time.  I think about what will happen when there are two of them…& I panic a little.

That statement really struck me because there are a lot of people that I know that don’t want kids, don’t understand why anybody would, don’t understand kids even.  Some of those people think that Abe & I are crazy to have had Magnus let alone have Marit on the way.  To them kids are a burden, an inconvenience & something that should be avoided to stop all the problems in the world.  To know that this Twitter friend, whom I don’t know that well, is happy for me to have the kids I have always wanted was incredibly nice.  It got me thinking too…

Why am I a parent? What is it about having kids that made me want my own?

Let me begin with the disclaimer.  There are days where I would sell my kid for a bottle of vodka, or a movie ticket.  There are days where I want to curl up in a corner & cry after ripping out my hair in frustration.  My amazing Magnus is only 1 so I know I have a lifetime of those days coming my way.  However, there is so much that wipes out those moments/days.

Watching Magnus discover new things is so much fun.  He has been working on eating with a fork; he learned about ranch dressing & ketchup last weekend; & he has been slowly (very slowly cuz Momma says so) exploring our 2 stories of wooden stairs.  It is really fun to watch the world develop through brand new eyes.  Seeing the wonder of discovering a new animal or a new sound…something I don’t remember from my own childhood.  I get to experience everything a second time & truly appreciate the world.

The feel of those tiny arms wrapping around my neck as Magnus snuggles into me with his blanket for a nap.  How can your heart not swell with joy & the purest love in those moments?  And that’s what having kids comes down to for me.  The chance, the opportunity to share life with a new person.  To share in their growth, their triumphs and especially their disappointments.  Nobody will ever be able to protect them from every hurt (no matter how much we desperately want to do so) but we can share the burden, lighten the feeling of loss when it occurs.

That moment when you first look into a child’s eyes & see the love they have for you…in spite of your faults, your failures, your hang-ups.  To know that no matter how out of shape you are or how broke you are that little person doesn’t care.  All they know is you love them & they return it without hesitation.

Sadly, as kids get older that initial wonder wears off, they grow up & become adults that sometimes stray from what you dreamed for them.  There’s a pain associated with being estranged from your older children that I pray I never have to experience.  I’ve watched friends go through it & I can’t imagine the pain it causes.  Yet I know they still would welcome those kids home with open arms if ever they were asked.

Being a parent is the most difficult & yet most amazing job ever.  It is NOT for the faint of heart…it is filled with joy, grief & even fear but I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything.  They are the best parts of me—realized.

I have a lot in my head but it is hard to put to the page.  This month is flying by in many ways though some days seem to drag.
The heat has been record setting and there is no end in sight.  Normally I don’t mind the heat & humidity of our summers here.  This year with Magnus & a baby on the way I just want cooler weather.  The lack of air conditioning in the house really makes daily chores a nightmare.  I get overheated trying to clean or cook and my first priority has to be how I feel.  I am praying for a few days of cooler weather soon…I need to get stuff done.

Overall I feel pretty good with the pregnancy though.  I have only gained about 10 pounds so far which I’m very happy about.  The weight I already have seems to be moving around though so I’m finding that my pants are getting uncomfortable.  Of course that is the silver lining to this heat cloud…it is just far too hot for pants.  If you’re thinking about visiting, call first.

Other than that I’m not sure what to say.  I’m cranky & irritable, wishing I were superwoman and missing the contact I usually maintain with friends. 

A thought struck me tonight though.  I’m more lucky than I maybe realize that I have Magnus.  He loves me.  It may sound like the most simplistic statement ever but it bears repeating.  Magnus loves me.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a clean t-shirt to wear, my hair is a mess, I’m hormonal, growing bigger by the second, struggle with depression, have a short fuse on my temper some days or that I fall short every day.  To Magnus I am comfort, fun, happiness and of course food.

I’m hard to love for other people (I think)… I wish I weren’t.
To be the happy-go-lucky, always smiling, positive outlook, fuzzy warm baby snuggles girl would be great. I often wish I were that girl…instead I work hard to have something nice to say. With my friends I really strive to be encouraging, to have the words that will make a positive impact on them.

Whether or not I’m successful remains to be seen. I know I don’t always succeed. Also, because I’m not prone to seeing the positive for myself it is difficult for me to accept when others do. I am (more so now while I’m pregnant) needy & insecure. I feel lonely & at times forgotten by those I consider to be some of my closest friends. I feel trapped outside of the amusement park of life.

There is part of me that realizes this is silly. Everybody is busy with life, work, spouses etc. I know in the logical (and smaller part of my inner voice) that everything remains steadfast…that I’m not forgotten. Still the insecure girl who so wants to be liked worries about whether maybe ~this~ time I really will be forgotten and left behind.

It makes me sad…I just hope that in spite of how hard it may be to love me that people will continue to do so. I give of my love as freely as I can. My hope is that in some small way it compensates those who have opened their hearts to me.

By now everybody knows about the devastation in Joplin, MO.  Sunday an EF-4 tornado cut a swath of destruction that is unbelievable.  A few minutes of wind left St. John’s hospital damaged, the helicopter that would be immediately needed a crumpled heap of metal in front of the building.  The high school is gone as are apartment buildings, stores, homes and entire lives.

I’ve been watching it all unfold via Twitter- from the first reports of severe weather to pleas for help in finding missing loved ones. Through all of it I have once again witnessed the power of the common citizen. oPeople nearby volunteering to help find victims in building to building searches; Twitter residents taking their time to tweet individual requests for information on missing persons.  It all gives me hope in the compassion & humanity of our country.

Rather than attempt to give a bunch of info here on how you can help I will point you to The Mutant Mouse Chronicles. The right side bar has links to information & organizations helping in the relief effort. My friend Rick Fisher (@fishfire) has amassed everything you could possibly want to know right there.  His dedication to helping via Twitter is inspiring…and there are hundreds more out there doing the same thing.

The need for help will last for a very long time. Immediate needs will be met by organizations like American Red Cross & The United Way. However once those needs are met, the cleanup & rebuilding process will begin. Much like New Orleans & even more recently Tuscaloosa, AL (for information on how to help Tuscaloosa visit this page: Tuscaloosa, AL - Official Website ) the need for help remains long after the media leaves. Please keep the rescue workers & residents in your prayers as Joplin works to rebuild.