Magnus is two months old. He’s sleeping next to me on his little lounger & I can hardly believe how big he is getting.  He’s got chubby little cheeks & a double chin (so cute on an infant…so NOT cute on his mom). Looking at him I can see the  years flying by already…all the firsts that are to come & my heart overflows.  So many precious times to be lived & cherished.

As we are looking forward to all that life has to show Magnus there is also a lingering worry for my grandmother.  Grandma J is 93 & still does it on her own. However, things are changing rapidly.  More & more she isn’t able to do things without having troubles.  Healthwise Grandma is in terrific shape for her age.  Oh she has complaints like her legs ache, her eyes are tired, nobody talks loud enough (though she doesn’t want to wear her hearing aids) etc. The trouble is her memory isn’t as good as it should be.  She forgets important things like latching her door.  Now Grandma doesn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood or anything like that…still she has told Mom that “someone” has tried to break-in to her apartment 3 times.  Abe & I figured out the problem during our last visit.  Abe went to knock on the door & it swung open…the security chain wasn’t even engaged. Grandma has always been very, very careful to make sure she locks & chains the door every night.  I know because I spent a great deal of the summer of 1996 staying at Grandma’s house.  I worked a late shift & she had a difficult time not chaining the door so I could get in when I got off work.

Another split in my thoughts…the beauty of watching my son grow & develop juxtaposed against the heartbreak of watching my beloved grandmother decline.

So a couple weeks back I previewed some upcoming posts. I haven’t forgotten that promise…however life has had other plans for me. So rather than recap “Wheels & Squeals” like I had planned it will be a bit of this & that.

This past weekend was the local summer festival weekend. There were tons of activities along with plenty of vendors for the all important RibFest. Friday night the action kicked off with a Burnout contest followed by an ugliest/loudest car contest. Unfortunately I missed all of that as I had spent most of my day in the maternity/delivery area of the hospital being monitored for extremely high blood pressure. I was released & sent home to R E S T!

burn out remains

Burn Out Alley

Saturday was promising as a bright sunny day & we had plans to be out for a bit enjoying the weather and festivities. Of course I wanted to check out all the cars at the car show & late in the afternoon was the greased pig chase I was anxious to witness (hey, I wanted pictures to share with you all). As life would have it none of those plans were to be. After being awake for awhile it became apparent that I was headed back to the hospital.

I spent about 6 hours lying in the labor/delivery area of the hospital hooked up to the fetal monitor & sphygmomanometer (blood pressure cuff). I also had blood drawn & a urinalysis. After several readings it was apparent that my blood pressure was normal & Baby was doing great. I got a large IV bag of fluids to keep me from getting dehydrated (when they finally placed the IV…I got 2 blown veins in my right forearm & some nice bruising) & was subsequently released to head home.

Since it was dinner time we met up with my brother A & his wife A to head downtown to RibFest. We started with Willingham’s ribs. They use a dry rub & any sauce is served on the side. We tried the Cajun Hot Sauce which added a nice bite & heat to the ribs. We also sampled the Sweet N Sassy sauce which is great if you don’t want anything too spicy. Next we had the pulled pork & brisket from Rowdy Hog Smokin’ BBQ. The pulled pork was tender & savory while the brisket simply melted on the tongue. We sampled the Rowdy Hot sauce with the brisket. For me it really added to the flavor of the brisket while not overpowering the melty tenderness.  Finally we had a single sample of the Dixie Dew Hellbound Hot from Skin & Bones BBQ.  This was the one with the most kick to me but the heat didn’t overwhelm everything else.

Overall it was good to get out of the house even if I didn’t really do anything except sit on a picnic table bench & eat.  I also braved the idea & tried bacon/chocolate kettle corn.  Don’t give me that disgusted look…it was very, very tasty!  I’m looking forward to next year when we can go & I’m not on bed rest.

Yes I know it’s been ages since I wrote anything here. Truth be told I’m suffering from a lack of inspiration. Of course there is always Baby to think about yet I’m not totally prepared to share all of that with ya’ll. There’s so much going on in my head there that I can’t really organize it all. Not to mention I am suffering from “pregnancy brain”…that is to say I have the attention span of an earthworm when I’m awake & that isn’t very much as I seem to have developed a form of narcolepsy over the past 8 months.

So here I am snuggling into bed for the night after having decided that I wanted to change the look of my blog. This is a totally different format than anything I’ve seen before & I’m going to try it out for a bit. I would love to get some feedback on this so please (pretty, pretty please with a cherry & chocolate drizzle on top) leave a comment.

I’m contemplating setting up a separate domain/subdomain for any poetry that I may write & migrating what’s on here to that space. We shall see as I have no idea how to go about that & my brain is mush.

Basically all I can say is that I haven’t forgotten about this blog & would like to write more…I just don’t seem to be able to find the words. I know, I know…how can that possibly be? Yet here I am struggling to finish this random post.

I also want to mention a blog that I read (inconsistently at best much to my shame) Sugarwilla & Spice.  During the month of June she is going to focus on “30 days of Gratitude” during June.  Please stop by & read her blog…participate if you feel so moved.

That’s all for now…we’ll see if I can get more consistent with posting over the next month…and then Baby arrives– that should be good for some pictures at least.

A year ago I waxed (somewhat) poetic about the joys of spring.  I was often found sitting on my front patio (sometimes wrapped in a large blanket) enjoying the sounds, scents & sun of that time.  I reveled at my country dwelling & all the charms present.  Flowers blooming, trees flowering & heavy with the scent of promised fall apples.  The nearby water offered up the choral performances of frogs calling for mates.  It was a heady time full of desire & I was stepping out into an unknown realm.  I was more than ready to embrace it & my exuberance was obvious.

This year is a world apart from that time.  I’m feeling much more jaded with life (not that I’ve ever been much of a wide-eyed girl) and find it hard to look at anything like I did then.  My summer took a turn when I ended up in hospital for a week at the beginning of August.  That set me back physically as expected but the mental aspect I was something for which I was NOT prepared.

With my plans & dreams of the spring wilting under the heat of late summer & my body betraying me I was lost.  For the first time I was enveloped in a fog of depression.  I wasn’t ready to deal with it nor even to admit it (not even in my own head) for a long time.  I pulled into myself, avoiding as much contact/interaction with people as I could, and felt the promising blossoms of spring turn with the oncoming fall weather.

Work was more than a difficult situation, life at home was increasingly frustrating as we tried to find a solution to Abe’s jobless status & I felt like hibernating.  We made a big decision to start looking for jobs & housing outside of our current area.  This led to several trips back to my hometown area as jobs were more available and housing was much less expensive.  Soon we had agreed that a move to another state (near where I grew up) was in order & preparations began.

Now we are moved in if not settled in & things are going okay.  With the oncoming warm weather I find that glimmer of light encouraging me that I will find the end of this feeling (whatever it may be…I’m hard pressed to define it).  Life is about to go around another sharp curve this summer when I finally become a mother.  July 6th is fast approaching & I am totally unprepared for the event.  I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there really isn’t a way I can be prepared…and we all know how I like to be prepared, organized & ready for any eventuality.

Right now I’m sitting on my new patio in our tiny little backyard feeling the wind from the prairie whoosh through town & enjoying the sun, blossoming trees & occasional birdsong….a burst of spring to remind me that nothing remains unchanged.

When I met Hubby it was one of those things that you know at the time are going to affect the rest of your life.  I was proven correct in that within a few short months.  By the time we had known each other for a year we were engaged & had 6 months to plan a wedding.  It was a challenge & there were times we both thought about just running away to somewhere new.

After the wedding (which mostly went pretty well) we were immediately thrust back into the harsh light of reality.  Not that it wasn’t great but nothing was different other than I had to remember what my last name was.  He worked long hours at various construction sites & I searched for a job (I had been laid off 6 weeks before our wedding when the e-business I worked for went belly up).  After a month or so I found a job & off I went to the office every other day.  I worked part-time for an eyeglass frame company.  We sold wholesale to distributors & shops around the globe…and it was stressful at times.  Then I’d get home & try to be a housewife. (I’m awful at housewifely duties…I detest cleaning, doing dishes etc. I am always willing to procrastinate until it MUST be done.)

After a couple years we decided to make a big change & move out of the city to northern Minnesota.  That little thing threw a whole new spin into our marriage.  We went from being together every day to seeing each other only on the weekends.  Abe would leave early, early on Monday morning to commute to the Cities & stay there until after work on Friday.  Then after a 2 hour drive home I’d finally get to see him.  We spent two years with that routine.

Talk about putting strain on a marriage. (Yes I know people do that all the time.  That doesn’t make it any less hard on their relationships or on mine.) I would spend all week alone, taking care of the puppies & the house.  We both learned to sleep alone…something that was a challenge to overcome some nights when we were together.  With my inability to lie in one spot & his talking while kicking and punching it was a free-for-all.  Mostly we managed to take it in stride though I was often lonely.  Finally we reached the point where the stars aligned & Abe found a job near our home.

Sometimes I wonder how much strain a marriage can take though.  After getting a really decent job near our home, I also got a part-time job & things seemed to be heading toward something good.  Surprise!! but not so much.  Instead after a year Abe was suddenly without a job & no prospects on the horizon.  Job opportunities got more & more scarce.  He went to work with his dad on their own company while I continued in my office job.  We made ends meet for the most part, then I got sick.  I pushed on for over a year after my first vicious gallbladder attack.

Then this past August I ended up hospitalized for a week.  I had dozens of tests & after 5 days was sent home with some meds for pain.  At the same time we were making the decision to move again…this time to a different state.  As we began working on that plan I struggled to deal with a work environment that was more than difficult.  The stress was palpable everywhere I went.  Abe did what he could to help me & encourage me to recover from being so ill.

Then in the midst of finding a place to live, jobs and all we got what is the most amazing, joyful news–we were pregnant.  More stress piled on as we processed the idea of becoming parents.  Then we moved, I continued to fight different illnesses, Abe interviewed for different jobs & finally found one.

There’s so much strain & stress that we’ve gone through the last few years.  Now it seems like there’s more piling up every day.  He works long hard hours building houses & I’m dealing with a challenging pregnancy.  On top of that I’m battling depression which sucks my ambition & joy right up.  It’s all I can do to get out of bed many days.  Abe struggles to understand what I’m going through and what his role as “Dad” will be.

I’m not saying that we’re breaking up or that things are awful.  Rather there’s this strain…a stretching of our bond that doesn’t seem to have an end.  We are more irritable toward each other; less forgiving that the dishwasher isn’t empty or there’s muddy footprints on the floor.  Life has inundated us with a lot of the ick & the good is drowning.  We push back but are getting tired of it.  The strain is starting to tell & while it is just a phase it is a phase that can’t end quickly enough.

This past weekend (from Saturday night to Sunday night) we had the opportunity to play host to Hubby’s brother Greg & Greg’s friend Michael.  It’s always good to have Greg visit & now that we live so much closer it is a lot easier for him to make a trip up.  The guys got to our house about midnight on Sunday morning & we decided to head into Sioux Falls so they could check out Senor Weiner. (You can see what I said about them in a previous post.)  This time the experience was only slightly better than the first one.  They seem to have improved their service & they guys were okay with their meals.  It was a late night & we all crashed once we got back home.

Sunday morning I got up & made breakfast.  With my new, large kitchen I decided to try something new & made chorizo, scrambled eggs & got all the fixings out for some burritos.  Based on the rate at which they disappeared I’d say they were a hit.  I had some too & am glad I tried them.  I’m not very adventurous with food right now as I don’t know how Baby will react.  Anyway after cleaning up the kitchen a bit we got ready & headed into Sioux Falls.

It was a gorgeous spring day & we spent time at Falls Park enjoying the sun & taking photos of the waterfalls.  After spending a nice time at the park we headed over to the Arena & watched our first ever arena football game.  The Sioux Falls Storm are the local arena team & have won the championship 4 of the last 5 years.  It was fun & funny to watch how into the game the fans were.  There were people tail-gating in the parking lot a couple hours before the game (we stopped to pick up tickets at the box office) & there were lots of people all decked out in team gear.  It’s definitely something we will be checking out more as tickets are pretty reasonable & it’s a fun way to spend a couple hours on a lazy Sunday.

Here are some of the photos from our day out.

Here are the ultrasound pictures of Baby.  I must say that the pictures are quite blurry ‘cuz the little one was moving around like crazy.  One of the most active times so far….except for when I play music.  Seems this one likes to dance just like the rest of the family.  Of course we also found out that Baby is just as camera-shy as I am….as soon as the tech went to try for a pic of the little face Baby flipped right over & faced my back.

Seeing Baby was wonderful & everything looks great so we are feeling very happy about that!  July 6th (or so…never really know for sure) is the due date so that means no travel/parties for the 4th this year.  We are looking forward to all the years to come though & are praying that the remaining months of pregnancy go well.

Wow, it’s December already.  I can hardly believe it’s halfway through the month.  In just a couple weeks we’ll be packing up a massive trailer & heading to South Dakota.  It will be the first time I’ve lived outside of Minnesota in my life.  Not that I haven’t done some traveling but I never felt the need to live anywhere besides here.

So my house is in disarray…like far more than what it’s really like.  There are boxes everywhere–the one couch is half covered, most of the living room floor, the kitchen counter…well you get the idea.  And of course where there aren’t boxes there are stacks of things needing to be wrapped & packed.  I haven’t been the help I should be in all this packing either…the “morning sickness” (what a misnomer…I’m just plain nauseous all day long…wicked unending nausea.  The only good thing has been no throwing up) keeps me from feeling like I can do much & I’m exhausted.  Still I have been working on what I can like books, pictures & all the little fragile things I don’t want to trust anybody else with packing.  The next big thing is going through my closet…this is going to be a big job & I’ve been procrastinating big time.  However it’s going to have to be by the end of the weekend.  There will be a bunch of clothes finding their way into the donation bin.  I’m not too hard on clothes so anything that’s in good shape goes & anything not worth saving will go as extra padding for the mirrors, art & various glassware.

The thought of moving mostly just makes me cry…yes we’ll be moving to a great house & into better employment situations but there are so many things that I’m leaving behind.  My sister Anne whom I am so fortunate to have…the fact that she married into the family in no way makes her any less of a sister than the ones who share bloodlines with me.  I will miss the trips into “our” dressing room at Maurices to try on clothes.  No matter how much I complain about how ridiculous I look it’s always fun to do it together.  Her friendship has been invaluable to me & I love that we are always welcome in her home.

On top of everything else my depression hasn’t abated but I’m sublimating it as best I can…trying to focus on keeping calm (not an easy thing for me) and fake it.  There are many days where I wake up in the middle of the night & just cry ’til I fall back to sleep. I can’t explain the feeling…but it’s empty, desolate & black.  When I can I play Mozart in my head; using it to calm myself & the baby.  After all the dust of this month settles I’m hoping the light I need will make a dim glow somewhere nearby.

I don’t even know where to start….life is moving in so many directions some days I don’t even know which way to turn.  We’re supposed to be working hard packing for the move to South Dakota…I say supposed to because it is much easier to promise to do the packing later & go play with Pete, Anne & the boys or snuggle on the couch with a movie.  After all it’s cold, cold, COLD here right now.  Plus I’m just starting to get past the extreme nausea of the first trimester.

That’s right, you read that last sentence correctly…I’m pregnant!!  I am entering my fourth month & am excited if really feeling the fatigue of all the changes.  Abe has been wonderful taking care of me, helping me when I am too sick to do much & just generally being wonderful to me.  He’s as excited as I am though of course he doesn’t say much.

It is truly an answer to many many prayers….we both were getting to the point where we didn’t really think that having a baby was going to happen.   Now we are pleasantly surprised & shocked to find that parenthood will indeed be something we can participate in enjoying/lamenting.

Our little bundle (we won’t find out the sex….all we want is a healthy baby) will arrive on the tentative date of July 6th.  We have lots to do to get ready but there’s still time.  I will keep you updated on things as I feel like writing…one thing that I’ve noticed is that reading/writing/typing makes my nausea worse.  Couldn’t be a more irritating thing since I love to read & would like to work on my writing since I’m not working right now.  Still it is the best of all reasons so I’m trying not to get too frustrated with it.

It has been HARD keeping the news a “secret” (okay I totally told all my immediate family & some close friends right away) but we’ve decided to let the rest of the world in on the big news.  I’m glad ‘cuz it was getting tricky trying to keep from making random comments about how sick I feel or how oddly weepy I get at things.  Let me say that dealing with depression & pregnancy hormones really makes the old emotional roller coaster a true 5 alarm emergency some days.  Still overall I’m working to keep calm & not be too self-critical (okay in my head I’m still too hard on me but I’m trying to give myself some grace) & most of all take care of myself.  We shall see how I survive the next 6 months or so.  I won’t even think about labor, delivery & afterwards yet.

Well it’s official….we’ve found a new place to live.  Over the last week/weekend we made plans to look at some potential houses for the big move.  There were a lot of places that sounded like they’d be great.  One was a nice double wide with some additions…it looked really nice.  It was on 17 acres which was something I really wanted.  However I wasn’t willing to share it with the other tenant who lived in another trailer on the same property.  It just seemed like a bad idea to share space with a stranger.

Another place we actually went to look at was a nice looking (from the pictures) 2 story farm house on four acres with a fenced in pasture & a barn.  Not that we need a barn but with dogs it is nice to be able to put them outside & yet know they have a nice sheltered place to be if we are gone for a few days.  Walking into this house gave me the idea that things would be difficult living there.  The front corner of the house had settled quite a lot so there was a pronounced slope to the entry & kitchen.  I’m fairly certain that putting an egg on the (miniscule) kitchen counter would have led to the egg being smashed in the corner of the room.  The dining room was very nice…easily the nicest in the house…with beautiful hardwood floors, built in cabinets & really nice wood throughout.  However, there were supposed to be 3 bedrooms…well since the upstairs was not available (some lady likes to come & stay there from time to time I guess.  And there isn’t a separate entrance for her plus she’d have to use the main bathroom & kitchen) they had taken the formal sitting rooms (which were divided by a giant pocket door) and closed them off creating 2 “bedrooms”.  This meant that there was only one common living area (the dining room) which was NOT large enough to hold our living room furniture let alone a table & chairs.  So that left us with one more place to inspect before we were back to square one.

The final place we actually went to inspect is 30 miles west of Sioux Falls.  A bit further than we’d like but still easily in reach since it’s interstate driving.  It’s in town (another thing I especially wanted to avoid as I like my space, don’t really like people, and I want to have plenty of room for our dogs) but it was the right size & the right price!  We ended up taking the tour in the dark (the owner had the power shut off & our appointment was for 7 PM) & cold.  It was an adventure navigating the house with only flashlights.  Still it was a really nice house.  There is plenty of space of us & we will have room for guests as well (if we ever have any).  There is a teeny back yard so it will be a huge adjustment for the dogs but we have a nice large garage so they can be in there too.  Overall we are very happy with the house & know that it’s only temporary as we have a one year lease & then can look for something else if we want.

Now comes the packing which I hate.  Our house is a jumbled mess (one because I am a terrible housekeeper & two because we’ve started packing already) & we’ve got 3 weeks to pack, clean & move 400 miles in the winter.  I have no idea how we will manage to move our stuff (there’s a lot of furniture & things like the grill, lawnmower, dog house) without stealing an 18 wheeler.  I can’t think about it too much or I end up crying/having a panic attack.

I will miss our old house.  It isn’t perfect but it is our little world.  We can sit outside without people seeing us, there’s a fire pit & lots of room for the dogs.  We have gorgeous trees that flower & turn bright pink in the spring.  There are lots of birds & even an occasional deer will wander through.  It is my haven, my Fortress of Solitude & I will miss it greatly.