On Sunday I took my kids and husband & we went to see this family.  Now I think the last time I saw any of the kids was about 22 years ago.  I’m guessing but I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since that’s when the oldest girl, C, graduated from high school.  So for the first 18 years of my life I knew them well.  We hung out, slept over, tore around each other’s farms & generally spent a lot of time together.  Now we’re all grown, have spouses/SO & kids, jobs etc.  There’s a lot of life that has happened to all of us.

As we were talking it was like the intervening years shrank into a split second.  We all looked the same (barring a few gray hairs, wrinkles & pounds), we laugh the same & the joint memories of childhood were recalled with laughter & hidden tears.

I am so sad that it has taken a very sad time in their lives for us to reconnect.  Seeing their Dad lying in that bed made my heart hurt so much.  Partly because he is someone I know & we never want to see good people suffer.  However, I also have to acknowledge that I’m not getting any younger & that means my parents aren’t either.  I’m not ready to face that.  I know that doesn’t matter; that nothing changes the fact that death will come for each of us.

I can’t imagine how my friends feel.  Every time their dad comes out of sedation for a little bit they wonder if it is the last time.  Will they ever see his eyes open again?  Will they ever get to hold his hand and feel it’s warmth after this second?  So many questions & the unknown of where they end.  I simply pray that they are all given peace to endure this time, grace to withstand the pain & love overflowing as they say the words that we are sometimes robbed of the chance to say.

Author’s Note: A few short hours after I wrote this I got word that my friends’ dad had died.  While I am deeply saddened for their loss I am glad to know that he is free of pain & his fragile earthly body.  He is now at peace & reunited with his wife.

Editor’s note: I started writing this on Monday, October 10th.  As you can tell I didn’t get it finished then…it has taken me nearly 2 weeks to finish this post.  Enjoy the flashback. ~nil

Abe had to finish up some work in Dickinson, ND this past week (Oct 3-7) which meant leaving me & the kids on our own.  I decided pretty quickly that I wasn’t quite ready to do it all on my own 24/7 so I talked Mom into “letting” us stay for as long as I needed.  (I admitted I needed help; I must be growing up….)

Bright & early Monday I was awakened by the dogs barking at the Fed-Ex man.  He was about to leave a note when I pelted down to the front door.  Dressed in a long sleeved tshirt, no glasses (or pants), barely conscious I managed to take delivery of my replacement phone.  Were I looking more fetching I’m sure me, answering the door sans pants, would have been the Fed-Ex guy’s favorite stop of the day…

Anyway, I managed to pack everything the three of us would need for a week, take a shower & get both kids ready and in the car by just a after 1.  A fairly quick stop at Verizon to get the new phone activated and we were on our way to the farm.  Magnus was very excited to see Grandma B & I was happy to let him chase after Grandma.  It was a really good week & things went very smoothly.  Magnus only had one night where he decided to have a screaming fit at O’dark-thirty.  We spent one afternoon in Tyler playing with the cousins & Auntie Jenn took some photos of Marit.  We also got to spend time with Auntie Zia & cousin JaZiah.

Magnus was working on his walking while we were at the farm.  He will take one or two steps on his own when he wants to but simply refuses to just let go and really go for it. (yeah, don’t we all have that problem with so many different things in life?!)  Magnus also worked on his words…he doesn’t speak English but rather he has a language all his own.  He babbles non-stop but I’m the only one who really understands a lot of it.  He will say a few words: dog, cup, juice, Momma & his big favorite is “Wow”.  He has two kinds of wow.  The first is just a plain spoken “wow” in a normal tone of voice.  The second is the one that means he is really impressed with something.  His little mouth forms a perfect “O’, his voice drops to a whisper & he says, “Woooow”.  There’s almost a hint of “wh” in it and his eyes get really big, eyebrows arched super high.   It is the funniest thing & so fun to see Magnus delight in discovering his world.

Anyway, Friday we saw Auntie Beth & then headed for home.  I called Abe to see where he was only to find out he had arrived home about 4:30 AM.  Here I had thought he was driving back from ND and he was already home.  The kids & I hurried home & Magnus was beyond excited to see Daddy.

Saturday we bummed around town & visited a few shops because it was gorgeous outside so we took a stroll through downtown Sioux Falls.  We also met up with my brother & his family at a local orchard where there was a harvest festival.  Magnus wasn’t too keen on getting his photo taken with a pumpkin but I did manage to snap a couple of Marit.

After a little time in the pumpkin patch we walked over to the main event area.  There were more places to take photos (hay bales, pumpkins etc… we didn’t avail ourselves of them though as none of us were dressed for proper photos), a general store, food vendors, pony rides, bouncy castles & a petty zoo.  The pony rides were too expensive & Magnus is still a bit young, the bouncy castles were serious trauma waiting to happen so into the petting zoo area we went.  Magnus wasn’t very impressed with the goats or donkeys but he LOVED the little chickens.  I don’t know exactly what kind they were but I know they were a bantam breed.  Very cute little gray speckled chickens with bright red combs…Abe & Magnus got down close to the fence & watched the chickens pecking in the dirt.  Magnus was full of chatter about the little chickens & he kept pointing to their pen as he talked about them.  We kept going back to the pen because he didn’t want to say goodbye.

Sunday we went watched the Vikings lose (again) before going out again & to run errands in the afternoon.  We did the basic Target/Wal-mart/Hy-vee run.  After that we decided to meet up with my brother Rob & his family for dinner.  After much texting back & forth we decided to try the new hibachi/sushi place that recently opened.

Tokoyo Sushi & Hibachi is a nice casual restaurant & is fairly kid friendly.  The food was fantastic!  Easily the best fried rice in town.  I am looking forward to saving our pennies & trying some of the more spendy items on the menu (lobster, shrimp, maybe even the squid if I’m feeling brave).

Anyway, Magnus was in awe from the second the chef created his trademark fireball.  Magnus immediately began to clap & the “Woooow!” in full sotto voce was heard about 1000 times. The more the chef showed off his skills with the spatula & fork the more Magnus clapped & bounced on my lap.  His cousin, Grayson, was equally impressed & kept waving his hands in the air like he was starting “the wave” at a sporting event.  I’m pretty sure that no matter how long that chef cooks he will never find a more appreciative audience than our boys were that night.  Magnus thoroughly enjoyed the fried rice & chicken as well as the taste of shrimp tempura. These were jumbo shrimp & I had to fight for my share as Magnus wasn’t keen on sharing.

All in all it was a fun night out & made even better by having Magnus along.

I did get to go out later that afternoon when Abe got home to finish running my errands.  Abe was wonderful & kept both kids for the hour I was out.  I hit Verizon for a portable wifi device & then Wal-mart for the antibiotics.  There was a lot of standing in line which tested my patience.  Walking to checkout I spied the women’s section & something in bright pink.  A quick detour showed that yoga pants (the nice ones from Danskin) were not only in my size (I was hoping) but a very reasonable $12.  I knew time was running short so into the self-check lane, a quick stop at Subway & off to home.  Everything was well under control when I got home (much to my relief but not to my surprise).  Marit was ready to eat so everybody had dinner & we vegged out on the couch.  I tried on my new pants and after a little LOT of obsessing decided they don’t look awful & I can wear them in public w/o being openly ridiculed.

Wednesday night was not a good night.  Magnus was up a lot with his ear ache & Marit decided she didn’t want to sleep her normal 4 hour cycles.  Thursday dawn found me blearily dealing with diaper changes & finding all the stuff I needed to take along for a day at my sister-in-law’s house.  Her usual daycare helper was gone so I went over to lend a hand with the 5 kids she watches.  Add in my 2, her 1 & the one kid that comes after school is out & it was chaos.  All of us were exhausted when we crashed at home later that night.

In the meantime (great, now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day…) I was listening to Falling Deeper by Anathema & trying to formulate a review for Dante’s Prog Blog Inferno.  I was procrastinating as I much prefer to be the silent editor & gal Friday over there.  However there was much insisting that I get with the program & just write already.

Friday morning I was able to sleep a little later & we had a nicely relaxed start to our day.  Errands & browsing for home decor with my sister-in-law Jilli in the afternoon went fine & the kids were great.  We ended the night with dinner out at Tinner’s (mmmm… egg & cheese burger), dessert at PeachWave (blueberry cheesecake fro-yo is teh nomz) & eventually home to tuck the kids in bed.  I attempted to write my review that night but didn’t get more than the opening paragraph done.

We were out again on Saturday morning & moving considerably more slowly.  Abe helped my brother & sister-in-law pick out doors for their basement which is slowly being finished.  Then the guys went to unload the doors & do “man stuff” while we girls (Marit included) went to the giant craft show at the convention center.  I popped Marit into her sling & into the hoard we went.  There was a lot of nice stuff but I was mainly there to browse.  I did find a very cute dress, knit hat & headband w/flowers for Marit in one of the doll clothes booths.  I looked in some of the other booths for a Halloween costume but didn’t get anything.  I may have to look again & get one of the fairy dresses…they are too cute for words.

After all our roaming about was done we spent the night in & relaxed.  I finally managed to write my review & then it was bed where we all got a pretty decent night sleep.  Today is football day & the Vikings haven’t totally fallen apart….yet.  This week should be a quiet one though we are hoping for a visit from Grandma B.  Hope you all have restful weekends & can face the week ready to tuck & roll as each day comes.

It’s 3:36 AM & I just tucked Marit into her bassinet at the foot of the bed. Magnus has his feet in my back & Abe is sleeping (a little twitchy but at least he hasn’t sleep boxed me). I know in a few minutes Abe will sleepily turn over to scoop Magnus closer.  Seeing that act of protection, even in sleep, makes my heart swell every time. 

While I have been awake nursing & changing (and nursing & changing) Marit we had our alone time.  The moments we have just mommy & baby are rare & generally in the wee hours when I blearily fumble to feed her.  Tonight though I was awake & got the precious gift of just watching Marit. 

She lay there, tucked into the crook of my right arm, snuggled tight against me & her eyes opened wide.  The faint light from my phone (I lurv the flashlight app.  So handy for the 3 am feeding.) allowing me to watch as she looked at me.

At first she glanced at my face & her look quickly slid away as if the shadows held better things to contemplate.  I whispered to her & her gaze returned to me—more interest this time, wary & wide eyed. Again she looked around into the dark world & my whispers drew her back to me.

I turned Marit so she was facing me, head cradled in my hands, feet resting against the vertical line that was her door to this world.  I kept up the whispered words.  “Such a beautiful girl”,  “Momma loves her Little Bit”,  “So sweet, precious baby”,  “Marit, I love you”.  Her eyes widened and she looked straight into my eyes.  A slow blink from her as she studied me, looking into the deepest part of my soul. And then  she sighed, deep contentment settled on her.

It was the most perfect moment.  Seeing, feeling the love she has for me.  No judgment about anything; just peace & love.

As tears formed I tucked Marit back into the crook of my right arm so she could eat.  She nestled in & went right to work.  (Marit doesn’t mess around when it comes to mealtime.  The girl is all business about her milk.) As she got closer to sleep her tugging on me slowed until I felt her head drop all the way back. 

I pray she has sweet dreams.  I pray that the feeling of peace & love we passed between us endures her teenage years.  I pray that some day I will get to witness her experience the wonder of having her own little girl & tbeir moment just before 3:36 am.

I was so looking forward to those last five weeks of having my little boy as my baby.  The mornings snuggled in bed, the days playing on the floor & napping in the afternoon.  There aren’t words for how much I love Magnus…he is my heart & my miracle child.  Above all I hope he knows that while Marit is loved and adored it doesn’t take one ounce of love from him.  In fact there’s more than enough love for both of them.

It’s been a tough adjustment at times for me to see Magnus moving around the house, independent & wanting to do his own thing.  He took his first steps in my hospital room.  I was so glad I got to see it!  He hasn’t done any walking since so he isn’t too grown up yet.

I can tell he will be a good big brother.  He loves to get diapers for me when Marit needs to be changed.  He also enjoys giving Marit her pacifier when she cries.  Of course he likes taking it back just as much so it doesn’t always comfort her.  It’s cute to see him watch Marit.  Magnus gets a big smile on his face when he hears Marit coo & he hurries to look at her; sometimes he pats (not as gently as I’d like) her head.

Of course Magnus still loves to be noticed & show off for anybody who takes the time to notice him.  If a passerby should mention what a big boy he is & how he has such a cute little sister his grin is ear to ear.  I’m so proud of my little guy…he makes me smile & I love every moment.

Being pregnant this time was completely different from Magnus.  I didn’t suffer from the near constant morning sickness, my blood pressure  stayed well within acceptable range (in fact I had some of the best & lowest blood pressure readings during this pregnancy), I didn’t gain any weight & other than being tired I felt great.

We decided that this time we would find out the sex of the baby at our 20 week ultrasound.  To our delight we were told that a baby girl was on the way, due September 30th.  Since I’d had a c-section with Magnus & I hadn’t yet made the 2 year mark to try for vbac (vaginal birth after caesarean) this would also be a c-section delivery & I scheduled the birth for September 23.  Everything was well on track going into the last week of August.

Looking at the number on the scale I was dismayed to discover I had gained 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I brushed it off though because I was pregnant & moving into my last month…some weight gain is to be expected.  Then the nurse took my blood pressure & it was 139/90…not a good sign but again I had been rushing around so elevated blood pressure is to be expected.  My OB came in & we talked about how I was feeling, whether the baby was moving etc.

After my high blood pressure reading & hearing that Marit wasn’t doing a lot of active moving, Dr Scott decided to put me on the non-stress test.  That means sitting very still for at least a half hour with monitors strapped to your belly.  Magnus was being pretty cooperative so I relaxed as best I could & waited to see what the results would be.  After about 45 minutes the nurse came in & said that since there just wasn’t enough movement I was being sent down to maternal-fetal medicine for a BPP (biophysical profile) ultrasound.  I called Abe & had him meet me at the hospital complex.  The ultrasound took a long time because they were looking for practice breathing & other signs that Marit was okay.

We were told that the amniotic fluid was quite low & therefore I was to go to the labor & delivery area of the Women’s Center & check in.  I signed a bunch of paperwork, got into a hospital gown & a delivery bed.  Out the window went our anniversary plans & our trip to Duluth…I was nervous, scared & crying.  Dr Scott informed me that I was a guest for at least the night & that I was confined to a clear liquid diet.  I was really upset. Partly because our plans were changed but mostly because I was worried about Marit, how Magnus would deal with being away from me for the first time & how Abe was going to juggle Magnus at home & me in the hospital.

On Thursday morning I was taken over to the ultrasound room to see if the high volume of IV fluid I was given overnight had pumped up the amniotic fluid level.  Looking at that ultrasound, hearing Marit’s heartbeat I was on edge.  It was nerve wracking to wait for Dr Heddleston to come in & talk to me about what our options were.  When he walked in he barely glanced at the monitor & then told me very calmly yet firmly that I was having a baby that day.  The amniotic fluid was only 2cm in the largest pocket…that means I had almost no fluid left for Marit.

There aren’t words to describe how scared I was hearing that news.  I plastered a smile on my face & nodded as I heard the news that my precious baby girl was arriving 5 weeks early & there was no way of knowing what would happen once she was delivered.  Dr Heddleston left & I was led back to my room.  I was bawling my eyes out & trying to call Abe to tell him that he was going to have to leave work because I needed him at the hospital.

A couple hours later I was wheeled into the OR & the prep for the spinal injection started while the nurses counted out all the instruments that the doctors would need.  I breathed as slowly as I could & tried to block out the rising nervousness as the minute hand crept closer to noon.  Then the doctors were in there, the blue shield went up & Abe was holding my left hand.

Marit Abelin Eileen arrived via c-section at 12:13 pm September 1, 2011.  She was 4lbs 5 oz & 18 1/2” long.  Hearing her cry for the first time is one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.  Knowing she was out & her lungs were strong enough to announce her arrival was reassuring.  We were allowed on quick photo with our girl before she was whisked out of the room in an incubator & on her way to NICU.  The rest of the surgery passed in a blur & I was soon back in my room recovering & waiting to be sent upstairs to the maternal unit.

I don’t remember many of the details between recovery & the first time I held Marit.  Her teeny little body snuggled into mine & I felt peace swell inside me.  She seemed to be searching for food so I cradled her to my left side & encouraged her to nurse.  Again she was completely different than Magnus.  Rather than having to work at it Marit readily latched on & nursed with no problem.  We snuggled in the bed & bonded while life flowed on around us.  We were visited by many family members who were ecstatic to welcome a new person into our clan.

I’m beyond thankful that our little girl, our miracle surprise, spent less time in NICU than I did in recovery after the surgery.  She was allowed to come home when I was & has been steadily gaining weight ever since.  Marit is still teeny, no bigger than a minute, but I know that with time she’ll grow & be as strong, healthy & fun as her big brother.

Abe & I have wanted kids since the beginning of our relationship.  It was just something that wasn’t even discussed much we both just knew that we wanted to have children as part of our family.  It took a long time to realize that dream…in fact we had reached the point where we had tacitly agreed that having our own kids probably was never going to happen.  So we worked hard at being aunt & uncle to some great nephews & a niece.  Then beyond explanation suddenly I was pregnant.  The look of disbelief on our faces when that little home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines at 5:30 am had to be one of the more priceless moments in our lives.

I did my best to eat right, exercise, drink lots of water and all the other things good expectant mothers do.  Then the trouble started.  I was ordered to bed rest (fortunately not total confinement or I would have lost my mind) & made many, many trips to the doctor to monitor my blood pressure & other factors for preeclampsia.  About a week before my due date the hospital called & told me to come in right away.  I was in danger with preeclampsia & they needed to induce labor.  I packed a bag for myself, a bag for Abe (he was at work) and drove myself to the hospital.  Abe met me & thus began the grueling process of having Magnus.  With Magnus safely born & in the NICU I was sent to a room to recover from my c-section and to get my blood pressure under control.

Nearly a week went by from the day Magnus was born until we were released from the hospital.  Magnus had spent 5 days in NICU, I had spent 7 days total in the hospital—I hadn’t ever been alone with him.  We hadn’t changed a diaper until he was 3 days old & I was struggling to breast feed.  All the drugs that I had during the labor induction & the following days were slowing down my body’s natural responses.  I was totally lost.  I would end up sitting in the bathroom of my hospital room at 2:30 am sobbing uncontrollably.  I had no idea what to do with this little life I had so desperately desired.  My instinct was to tell the nurses that I couldn’t take him home.  He was so tiny, so helpless & he needed me.

I talked to my doctor (and I urge any woman who is feeling lost & helpless to tell their doctor) we upped my depression medication which helped.  I still had feelings of being totally out of my element.  No matter what you read, study, or plan it goes right out the window when reality slams into your dreams of what having a baby will be like.  Forget the co-sleep/don’t co-sleep, circumcize/don’t circumcize, breast/bottle debates.  Do what works for you!  There is no reason it is anybody’s business why you parent in a certain manner.  No matter what you do half the population will tell you it is wrong.

The truth is that nobody really knows what they are doing.  Every day is an experiment in controlled insanity—do your best & what’s healthy for your baby.  If that means in order to get some sleep the baby sleeps with you then so be it.  Use a proper co-sleeping bassinet that either fits between the parents or close to the side of the bed.  There are many different options for that.  The same goes for breastfeeding.  Some women simply are unable to breastfeed.  This does NOT make them poor mothers…it makes them human & subject to the vagaries of the human condition.  As long as your baby is fed, healthy & happy is doesn’t matter how you accomplish that.  Be proud of taking care of your child—that is the MOST important thing.

There are many opinions on how to nurture, raise & discipline your children.  Right now my struggle is what do I do with a kid that just refuses to sleep sometimes?  He is upstairs in his pack n play with a pacifier, his blankie & a cup of juice…all the things that he needs to nap.  Instead he is crying & screaming his head off.  I’ve tried the Ferber method of letting him cry…it doesn’t work with my son.  He will scream for hours at a time if left alone.  I simply can’t bear it…it makes my heart hurt to hear him cry like that.  So in a couple minutes I will go up & pick him up, cuddle him close & try rocking him.  He will fight me, he does every time.  I think about what will happen when there are two of them…& I panic a little.