Life has an odd way about it. The threads that weave our existence are varied in color & texture yet there are so many similarities among us. The foundations of our experiences my happen at different stages but celebration, mourning & the emotions that come with them are universal. Family (in its many forms) is one commonality with which we all deal.
You’re probably wondering what brought all this on…the short answer is death. The long answer is seeing two people whom I know (one is a cousin, the other is a friend on Twitter) deal with the loss of family members over the past two weeks. My cousin lost her husband; my friend a sister. Two vastly different situations on the surface yet I see this faint connection in family bonds (or lack thereof).
My cousin had a hard life growing up. I won’t go into details but I will say that she lost her mom when she was in her early teens. For reasons that are complex she & her younger sister moved in with my family. As you can imagine there was plenty of conflict. The extended family has issues aplenty as well so that didn’t help the situation. My cousin is now in her 20s, a mom of two beautiful children & going to school. She built a life (and family) for herself where she feels secure. That security was badly damaged recently when her husband died last week. It was a sudden loss; one that wasn’t exactly expected though we all knew it was possible (her husband had sickle-cell anemia).
As I kept up with my cousin via Facebook I saw an outpouring of love from people I don’t know but who obviously care deeply for my cousin. Family (blood relatives–uncles, aunts, cousins) also expressed their sympathies for the loss. Several of them expressed their intent to attend the funeral as a show of support. However, there was a pre-planned family weekend…all the aunts & uncles were getting together. Since this weekend had been planned for a year suddenly nobody was free to attend the funeral. I can’t begin to express my irritation at that attitude. Yes, there has been plenty of turmoil & whatnot. Still how much would really have been missed by taking a couple hours out of a weekend to support a niece in the middle of a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching tragedy?
While I was hearing/seeing this play out in my family I also listened to a friend on Twitter as she grieved the loss of a sister. Again in this instance family turmoil (to put it mildly) is making a time of sorrow that much more difficult. Rather than rehashing my friend’s tale in my own poor words I encourage you to go here & read what she has to say.
The point of my post is that family bonds are what we make of them. Both my cousin & my friend have created their own families. When faced with the option of being part of dealing with blood relatives that are less than congenial or finding their own way they both chose the 2nd option. This has allowed them to surround themselves with a “family” of people who may or may not be related by blood but are definitely related by love. Not only have they created a family structure that fits their needs but they value themselves enough to know it is necessary.
What family bonds do you cultivate? What family bonds have you replaced? For me I cultivate the bonds with my immediate family & Abe’s family. I have added in people who are like sisters. There are some bonds–like those of my grandparents who are no longer living that can never be replaced.
