Something Creative » Memories

Duluth!

Nil17 — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:59:51 +0000

Wow I’ve been busy lately & haven’t made time to write (okay well write here…). Anyway, we took a trip to Duluth just before Halloween & it was so wonderful to see family. My bro-in-law was home on leave from Iraq & it was fantastic to see him. We spent a couple days with him and his family which felt “normal”. We used to spend so much time with Pete, Beck and the kids that not seeing them for months at a time feels unnatural. The Saturday we were up there we spent in Duluth walking in Canal Park along the lakewalk. It was a crisp, sunny fall day (temps were in the 50s) with a slight breeze coming off Lake Superior. We walked, watched the kids play, introduced Magnus to the Lake & watched a ship enter the port through the Aerial Lift Bridge. After we were all tired & chilly from our walk we headed over to Old Chicago for drinks & food. It was so nice to just be in that space. It made coming back “home” hard. I feel like I’m only living half of my life here. We go out sometimes & we see my family but a big piece of my heart still lives near Duluth. I was SO homesick for the sight of the tamaracks, golden in the dying light of fall and that expanse of blue water on blue sky… I took a lot of photos which I’ll share in a separate post. Time was too short of course but it was restorative to see everybody & introduce our little Marit to them. Magnus adored playing with his cousins & they all got lots of spoiling from Grandpa Bob & Grandma Trudy. We have lots of nice memories added to our older ones & they will be pulled out often as winter sets in…seven more months until Pete is back home safe & then we will celebrate!

It’s 3:36 AM

Nil17 — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 09:26:18 +0000

It’s 3:36 AM & I just tucked Marit into her bassinet at the foot of the bed. Magnus has his feet in my back & Abe is sleeping (a little twitchy but at least he hasn’t sleep boxed me). I know in a few minutes Abe will sleepily turn over to scoop Magnus closer. Seeing that act of protection, even in sleep, makes my heart swell every time.

While I have been awake nursing & changing (and nursing & changing) Marit we had our alone time. The moments we have just mommy & baby are rare & generally in the wee hours when I blearily fumble to feed her. Tonight though I was awake & got the precious gift of just watching Marit.

She lay there, tucked into the crook of my right arm, snuggled tight against me & her eyes opened wide. The faint light from my phone (I lurv the flashlight app. So handy for the 3 am feeding.) allowing me to watch as she looked at me.

At first she glanced at my face & her look quickly slid away as if the shadows held better things to contemplate. I whispered to her & her gaze returned to me—more interest this time, wary & wide eyed. Again she looked around into the dark world & my whispers drew her back to me.

I turned Marit so she was facing me, head cradled in my hands, feet resting against the vertical line that was her door to this world. I kept up the whispered words. “Such a beautiful girl”, “Momma loves her Little Bit”, “So sweet, precious baby”, “Marit, I love you”. Her eyes widened and she looked straight into my eyes. A slow blink from her as she studied me, looking into the deepest part of my soul. And then she sighed, deep contentment settled on her.

It was the most perfect moment. Seeing, feeling the love she has for me. No judgment about anything; just peace & love.

As tears formed I tucked Marit back into the crook of my right arm so she could eat. She nestled in & went right to work. (Marit doesn’t mess around when it comes to mealtime. The girl is all business about her milk.) As she got closer to sleep her tugging on me slowed until I felt her head drop all the way back.

I pray she has sweet dreams. I pray that the feeling of peace & love we passed between us endures her teenage years. I pray that some day I will get to witness her experience the wonder of having her own little girl & tbeir moment just before 3:36 am.

And Then There Were Two

Nil17 — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:21:11 +0000

My last post was rather short & left my readers hanging. Well, I am home after five days in the hospital and I brought a tiny little girl with me. She had to be delivered via c-section on Thursday September 1, 2011. She arrived five weeks early and we are so blessed that she is already home with us. I will post a detailed birth story in the near future. For now I’m recovering from surgery and trying to adjust to my little guy being a big brother.

Celebrating Nine Years

Nil17 — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 02:59:28 +0000

Today is our ninth wedding anniversary. I can’t believe it has been nine years… In some ways it feels like I’ve been with Abe for a lifetime (in the best of ways). Abe gets me, balances me & survives me.

This year we had planned to have dinner out some place semi-nice… Nothing too fancy since we have Magnus in tow.

Actually we spent our day in the hospital. I had a regular prenatal appointment & ended up being admitted for overnight observation. My blood pressure was high, Marit wasn’t moving much & so after a failed non-stress test I was sent to ultrasound for a BPP test. We happily passed the BPP but the amniotic fluid is low & Marit is a little small for being 35 weeks.

The plan for now is to push IV fluids overnight & see where things are in the morning. We are praying that I’m able to go home & wait a couple weeks before delivery is necessary…

Magnus Turns One

Nil17 — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 18:05:49 +0000

Checking out the farm with Dad.

Sitting on the fence, looking at the calves

Catching some rays with JaZiah

Petting the brand new baby lamb

I’ve got a boat!

New toys

BLOW POP!

Rocking birthday cake

Yep, I’m one.

Magnus & Dad

Hmmm, so that’s frosting…

Cake is darn tasty

NOM NOM NOM

Sugar coma

Partied out!!

Into the West: A Year of Change

Nil17 — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 23:52:08 +0000

Since it is de riguer to do a retrospective post I could hardly swim against the current (I don’t swim with the current either…I prefer the beach) so here’s my recap.

The year of 2010 was one of huge changes for me. First we moved from our home near Duluth, MN to a town near Sioux Falls, SD so that Abe could find work. We sorely miss our life in the north woods of Minnesota. Not just the places but the friends & family we don’t get to see nearly often enough. Our nephews have grown so much in the last 12 months. This was the first year we missed any of the major events in their lives & wow did we miss a ton! The oldest one went off to kindergarten this past fall & the younger nephew is full of all kinds of antics.

The biggest change of course was becoming a mom. So far it is the most difficult thing I think I will ever do. He is a pretty good baby but I’m looking forward to the first teeth (eyeteeth for my child…of course, why go for something easier?) to finally break through. Magnus is an active little guy. He loves his exersaucer & can really get to bouncing & spinning around in it. He can sit up alone but doesn’t like too because it limits his ability to move around. Magnus much prefers to lie down so he can roll around and inch-worm his way into mischief. The dogs are interested in him but Magnus is positively enthralled by them; reaching to latch onto whichever one might be closest. It’s been an adjustment to have another person to feed & clothe but so much fun to nibble little toes & kiss the soft downy head as he falls asleep in my arms.

We moved a second time in 2010—this one was a much smaller move from one small town in the Sioux Falls area to a beautiful farm house in the country but much closer to shopping. I love being back out in the country & not having neighbors be right on top of us. Plus we get a beautiful view all around which is just the thing for cold winter days. Magnus adores lying on our bed & watching the wind whip the weeping willow tree.

Sadly we missed out on a lot of our traditions for the various holidays. We didn’t get to go shopping for Halloween costumes with our nephews for the first time. We also missed their birthday parties, hiking/trips up the North Shore, getting snowed in on New Year’s Eve and mostly we missed all the random times we simply decided to make the drive to Cloquet just to see what was going on.

I am hoping for a fairly quiet 2011. Time spent with family & friends…watching Magnus grow and explore…hopefully finding my depression ease a bit…maybe continuing to write.

What Do You Mean You’re 15!

Nil17 — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 04:07:51 +0000

On Friday a milestone was reached…mostly nobody noticed except a few close family & friends. They woke up, looked at their calendars & decided that it was a good time to haul out the jet packs for the commute to work & school. What the rest of the world was blissfully unaware of was that G-man had turned 15. So what you think; lots of kids turn 15 every day. What makes this what’s-his-face special? There are a lot of things that make G-man special. He was an uncle at age 7. Now that he’s 15 he is an uncle 8 times over. He is the youngest of 8 kids. His siblings sometimes have a really hard time remembering he is so young—they’ve treated him as part of the gang since he was born. In spite of having much older siblings, G-man managed to retain his childhood…that means he’s a pretty okay kid. He doesn’t really get into trouble like some kids you hear about these days. You know the ones; those kids hanging out with “the wrong crowd”. G-man often feels sorry for those kids…”If only they had parents who were around & siblings & whatnot”. After all G-man knows the parents can’t always help not being there but he also knows that many times the parents are too busy to pay attention. G-man is very independent. He has always been able to go out with the big kids…he didn’t like to be left behind. In fact, he’s been known to stow away in his dad’s van & sneak into town. See, G-man lives in the country & his dad volunteers at the teen activity center in the next town over. G-man likes to go along with his dad & hang out; sometimes they would shoot hoops (well sometimes they still do). Anyway, G-man really wanted to go with his dad one Saturday night. Dad said G-man should stay home & get some rest. G-man appealed to Mom but she agreed with Dad. G-man was upset & stalked out of the house. His mom & Dad let him go…he’s a pretty okay kid in the country after all. Well G-man’s dad headed into town & G-man’s mom thought it was time to eat some supper (dinner is for city people…or what country people eat at noon). When supper was ready—about 15 minutes later; G-man’s mom called out the door. She waited & then called again, “G-man you better be in here, hands washed in the next 5 minutes or you are going to be in SO much trouble”! Time passed & G-man’s mom decided it was time to call G-man’s dad. Meanwhile, G-man had gotten so angry he stalked off across the yard & hid behind the shed for awhile. That wasn’t much fun though & he decided he’d hide out in his dad’s van. Quietly G-man snuck his bike into the back of the van, climbed in after it & closed the door. Soon G-man’s dad hopped in the van & went flying off down the gravel in a cloud of dust. G-man stayed hidden & quiet. He waited until the van stopped & he heard his dad get out. After a few minutes he cautiously peeked out, saw he was in the clear & hopped out with his bike. So while G-man’s mom was calling him to supper he was happily wheeling around Danesville. G-man was feeling pretty pleased with himself—not only had he gotten to go with Dad but he’d also gotten to go when he’d been told no. While G-man was enjoying his adventure he lost track of time. Riding around Danesville is fun when you are off riding your bike. It’s big enough for a nice ride but not so big as to get lost. Suddenly G-man noticed that the air was a little chilly & that it was getting quite dark out. Now G-man isn’t a sissy but being alone when Mom & Dad don’t know where you are stops being fun in the dark. Thinking about how he was supposed to stay home & had disobeyed made G-man worried. ”I’m going to be in SO much trouble. Dad is gonna kick my butt when they figure out what I did”, G-man thought. So to avoid the dire consequences of his imagination (no supper for a week, twice as many chores for a month & not being allowed out of the house for the rest of his life) G-man decided he should hide. Hiding in the dark alone is scary though so he thought he should find a safe, sheltered place to go. After some careful thought he turned his bike around and rode up the main street in Danesville. In fact he rode straight up to the yard of his pastor. He leaned his bike against the big oak tree on the front lawn & curled up beside the solid trunk. Now Pastor’s Wife had gotten a phone call earlier saying that G-man was missing & that his parents thought he’d snuck into town. She had promised to keep an eye out for him…lo & behold she happened to see his little figure slide into her front yard. Quickly she called G-man’s mom & dad before going outside to collect a very tired & scared 7 year old boy. So now eight years have passed & that scared little boy is taking driver’s education training. That’s right—he’s learning to drive. He’s still a pretty okay kid. Sometimes he is a total teenager & gets that stubborn teenage set to his jaw. His hair is often a little longer than his mom would like. He listens to loud music that his dad doesn’t like at all. G-man’s siblings are often surprised when they think about his age…after all they forget he’s still a kid most of the time. However all of them are proud of him & love him dearly…. but none of them are going anywhere near the roads for awhile….

Log Jam in My Brain

Nil17 — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 18:24:28 +0000

I am having a terrible log jam in my brain lately. I have so many thoughts & ideas swirling around I can’t concentrate let alone think straight. Please bear with me as I attempt to get some of it out so that maybe I can revisit some of it later.

One thing that is pinging around is the articles & stories of bullying that are running rampant over the last month. I’m appalled by these tragic stories. I clearly remember my teenage years & remember thinking that if the oft quoted “These are the best years of your life” was indeed true that I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep going. I went to a relatively small high school (three districts combined to make a total of 55 kids in my graduating class)… I have vivid memories of some pretty harsh bullying that was directed at me. I’m sure I wasn’t always as kind as I should have been & for that I’m sorry. I did my best though…I was friends with the outcasts (heh, I WAS an outcast) & tried to find something kind to say about everybody. Much like now I was a peacemaker. I would do virtually anything to avoid or diffuse conflict. I can hold my own in a fight (be it verbal or physical) but that is my last resort.

For anybody out there reading this who is struggling— you are NOT alone & it does get better! Life is hard— I’m struggling with depression as I type this. However, I also know that I am truly blessed with an amazing husband (I never thought I’d find a man that could love me), a miracle baby boy (I had to learn to become comfortable with the idea that I may never have kids—the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom) and a group of family & friends that continue to speak with me (this makes me dumbfounded as I’m usually convinced they would be much better off w/o me).

I’ve also got a lot of self-doubt/loathing beating me up. This is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it isn’t as much of a battle. Then there are the times where my body, mind & MIL conspire to make me dive headfirst into some truly legendary wallowing. Generally I’ve been pretty happy with me over the last 4 months. I lost a decent amount of weight in a hurry (without trying— yay for pregnancy weight that disappears & for the aid of breastfeeding). There are things that I don’t like about it —nothing fits me properly including most of my panties. Let me just say that there are few things more awkward than walking around having to hitch up both your undies & your pants on a regular basis. Thank goodness that I didn’t lose my boobs or none of my shirts would look decent either. As it is I’m glad that I can continue to wear all my nice sweaters without looking like I’m wearing a trash bag. However, after this past weekend I’m hyper-critical of how I look. Nothing like being told “You look really good now that you’ve lost all that weight; how much more are you planning to lose?”. Seriously why would someone say things like that? Especially to a daughter-in-law. I may not be a teeny tiny girl but mostly I’m okay with that. I take pride in the fact that I look like a woman. There are a multitude of things I would refine but I wouldn’t want to be a tall skinny no-boobed girl. I like that when my son snuggles up with me we are both comfy & cushioned. Mostly I struggle with wanting to feel okay with myself & seeing why I shouldn’t thrown in my face every time I turn around.

All in all my brain is a jumble of feeling like I’m not worthy & yet on an average day where I wake up, run downstairs & get on with life I think “Damn, I don’t look half bad”. It sucks!!

Family Reunion 2010

Nil17 — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 21:21:03 +0000

This past weekend we attended my family reunion in New Ulm, MN. We’ve had the Lee family (my maternal grandmother & her brothers et al) reunion as long as I can remember. I talked about it in this post. We haven’t gone in the past few years as it was a long trip for a few short hours. This year we are closer & we were anxious to show off Magnus to the extended family. There weren’t many people in attendance & unfortunately it appears that this will be the last year we have the reunion. I’m saddened by this…so many of my childhood summer memories are tied up with this event. I would love for my child (and my nieces/nephews) to have a similar experience. However, the family circle has drifted to all corners of the country & a yearly reunion just isn’t feasible. It remains to be seen what will happen. In the meantime I got a few pictures that I really want to share from this year.

The Birth of Magnus Troy

Nil17 — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 00:30:35 +0000

When we last saw our heroine she was lying in an extremely hard birthing bed on day 3 of being induced for the health of both Baby & momma. As we resume the doctor has decided to break the water in hopes of speeding up the labor & subsequent delivery. It was apparent that I was going to need an epidural before my water was broken. I was incredibly happy to hear that as anything that would ease pain for even a short time had reached DefCon 5. Abe stood in front of me & held my hands as the epidural was placed in my back. I abhor needles so having a giant one inserted into my back was not one of my most favorite things but I did much better than I thought I would. There was very little flinching & no embarrassing crying or fainting. While we waited for the epidural to take effect & the doctor to come back Abe headed out into the waiting area to tell some family what was happening & to take care of some business with his paycheck. In the meantime the doctor came back & a team of people were with her. It was time to break my water. Of course I immediately wanted Abe with me but he was not to be found. The procedure was completed (I will spare you my description of it) and suddenly I was rolled onto my left side while a nurse slapped an oxygen mask on my face & began talking me through some slow, deep breathing. I could tell something was wrong but didn’t know what. Through all of this my cell (my Blackberry, my tether, my line to the outside world) was clutched in my right hand. When I was rolled onto my side I remembered the phone & quickly sent a text message to Abe. The gist of the message was “Get your ass in here RIGHT NOW!”. Abe showed up right quick & was there when the doctor came back to discuss our options. The doctor explained that when my water broke Baby’s heart rate dropped to 50. It came back up but would decelerate every time I had a contraction. They stopped the pitocin for a while and the heart rate remained where it was supposed to be but I stopped having contractions. Dr U explained that we could continue the pitocin & try for a natural delivery but that every time the pitocin was used it would take a toll on Baby. On the other hand there was the option for a c-section. As with all surgery there are inherent risks but we concluded that taking time to do a c-section while Baby wasn’t in distress made the most sense for everybody’s well-being. The team got right to work getting me ready to head down to the OR for surgery. They worked on increasing the epidural along with getting me to sign all kinds of release forms. Then I was wheeled down the hall to surgery; Abe had been ushered off to scrub & don the gown, mask and hat so he could join us. Once in the OR the anesthesiologist worked on getting a new IV placed so that I could handle the drugs. It took a bit of work but the new IV went in perfectly & soon I was taking all the drugs that were needed. With the epidural flowing (like a trickle of cool water sliding down my back) I was soon numb to my sternum. The blue barrier went up & the doctors came in with Abe. Abe was seated to my left & could reach out to hold my hand which was very necessary as I was freaking out in a corner of my mind though I was working very hard to breathe & remain calm on the outside. Waiting for the first cut was nerve-wracking — Dr. F & Dr. U were great though & soon put me at ease. There was this wonderful atmosphere of joy in the OR. The whole team was chatting, smiling & laughing. Abe & I joined in on the chatter discussing whether the baby was a boy or girl, name choices, how long we waited to become parents etc. Dr. U told me she was going to have to perform a vertical incision which “will mess up your bikini line”. “Right, because I’ve worn a bikini so much recently”, I retorted. As the surgical team went about performing the C-section I was talking with them, Abe & generally feeling better than I had in several days (mostly due to the fact I could lie flat on my back & I had an excellent supply of drugs being pumped into me). In what seemed like a long time but was really only 6 minutes Dr U commented on how wrapped up the baby was. Then came the big announcement… “It’s a boy”! Abe & I were surprised & overjoyed. I had thought for sure that we would be having a girl. Of course it didn’t matter at all…a healthy baby was all we really wanted. As the doctor held the baby up over the blue barrier I glanced up to see our son — beautiful & perfect with just a bit of dark hair. The nurses quickly cleaned him off a bit & wrapped him up in a blanket before handing him off to the proud father. While the nurses were getting him clean they asked if we had a name. Glancing at Abe I said Magnus Troy is his name. We had started out joking about naming a boy Magnus as it is such a strong name & we figured it was a name that could be for any profession. Who wouldn’t love to hear a kickass prog rock/metal band called Magnus? Cheering for a ball player (football, baseball or basketball) named Magnus… absolutely! However, what started out as a bit of a laugh for us quickly became a name that just seemed to fit; it grew on us & one look at the little man sealed the deal. Anyway, I’m still on the table and can “feel” the doctors working on me. I can feel tugging & pulling in my abdomen. I heard someone ask “Can someone cut this suture left-handed”? “Yes, Dr F can cut that left-handed”. Me, being the smartass that I am, pipes up with “Just don’t let Dr. F use the kindergarten plastic safety scissors”. Dr U chimes in, “Oh, didn’t we tell you? We only let Dr F use the kindergarten safety scissors”. “Well in that case I am out of here,” I laughed. Leave it to me to joke with and taunt the doctor who is in the middle of stitching me back up. At the same time part of me is detached & watching Abe with Magnus. It was a surreal feeling to be gazing at my husband & newborn son while a bunch of people were cutting & sewing on me. I was absorbed in seeing the two of them together…it was (and will always be) one of the best most complete moments of my life. We were a family — after years of hoping, praying & trying — there was a child in our family. The surgical team was finishing up on me and the nurses came over to take Magnus for weighing, measuring & a better bath. I could see them out of the corner of my left eye & realized there was a lot of whispering. Just as my brain started to panic the nurses announced that due to a lower level of oxygen then they really liked Magnus was going off to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Before Magnus was whisked off (Abe went along) I got to have him rest on my chest for a few seconds as we had our first family picture taken. Then I went back to the room I had been in earlier to recover over night & Magnus was off to NICU where he was put on oxygen, had a chest x-ray & had antibiotics etc through IV. There’s more to the hospital stay…several more days for both of us as I tried to recover from the preeclampsia & c-section and Magnus was weaned off the IV & onto breast-feeding. Maybe I will share all that another time. Right now I have a little boy who needs his mom….