It’s 3:36 AM & I just tucked Marit into her bassinet at the foot of the bed. Magnus has his feet in my back & Abe is sleeping (a little twitchy but at least he hasn’t sleep boxed me). I know in a few minutes Abe will sleepily turn over to scoop Magnus closer.  Seeing that act of protection, even in sleep, makes my heart swell every time. 

While I have been awake nursing & changing (and nursing & changing) Marit we had our alone time.  The moments we have just mommy & baby are rare & generally in the wee hours when I blearily fumble to feed her.  Tonight though I was awake & got the precious gift of just watching Marit. 

She lay there, tucked into the crook of my right arm, snuggled tight against me & her eyes opened wide.  The faint light from my phone (I lurv the flashlight app.  So handy for the 3 am feeding.) allowing me to watch as she looked at me.

At first she glanced at my face & her look quickly slid away as if the shadows held better things to contemplate.  I whispered to her & her gaze returned to me—more interest this time, wary & wide eyed. Again she looked around into the dark world & my whispers drew her back to me.

I turned Marit so she was facing me, head cradled in my hands, feet resting against the vertical line that was her door to this world.  I kept up the whispered words.  “Such a beautiful girl”,  “Momma loves her Little Bit”,  “So sweet, precious baby”,  “Marit, I love you”.  Her eyes widened and she looked straight into my eyes.  A slow blink from her as she studied me, looking into the deepest part of my soul. And then  she sighed, deep contentment settled on her.

It was the most perfect moment.  Seeing, feeling the love she has for me.  No judgment about anything; just peace & love.

As tears formed I tucked Marit back into the crook of my right arm so she could eat.  She nestled in & went right to work.  (Marit doesn’t mess around when it comes to mealtime.  The girl is all business about her milk.) As she got closer to sleep her tugging on me slowed until I felt her head drop all the way back. 

I pray she has sweet dreams.  I pray that the feeling of peace & love we passed between us endures her teenage years.  I pray that some day I will get to witness her experience the wonder of having her own little girl & tbeir moment just before 3:36 am.

Being pregnant this time was completely different from Magnus.  I didn’t suffer from the near constant morning sickness, my blood pressure  stayed well within acceptable range (in fact I had some of the best & lowest blood pressure readings during this pregnancy), I didn’t gain any weight & other than being tired I felt great.

We decided that this time we would find out the sex of the baby at our 20 week ultrasound.  To our delight we were told that a baby girl was on the way, due September 30th.  Since I’d had a c-section with Magnus & I hadn’t yet made the 2 year mark to try for vbac (vaginal birth after caesarean) this would also be a c-section delivery & I scheduled the birth for September 23.  Everything was well on track going into the last week of August.

Looking at the number on the scale I was dismayed to discover I had gained 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I brushed it off though because I was pregnant & moving into my last month…some weight gain is to be expected.  Then the nurse took my blood pressure & it was 139/90…not a good sign but again I had been rushing around so elevated blood pressure is to be expected.  My OB came in & we talked about how I was feeling, whether the baby was moving etc.

After my high blood pressure reading & hearing that Marit wasn’t doing a lot of active moving, Dr Scott decided to put me on the non-stress test.  That means sitting very still for at least a half hour with monitors strapped to your belly.  Magnus was being pretty cooperative so I relaxed as best I could & waited to see what the results would be.  After about 45 minutes the nurse came in & said that since there just wasn’t enough movement I was being sent down to maternal-fetal medicine for a BPP (biophysical profile) ultrasound.  I called Abe & had him meet me at the hospital complex.  The ultrasound took a long time because they were looking for practice breathing & other signs that Marit was okay.

We were told that the amniotic fluid was quite low & therefore I was to go to the labor & delivery area of the Women’s Center & check in.  I signed a bunch of paperwork, got into a hospital gown & a delivery bed.  Out the window went our anniversary plans & our trip to Duluth…I was nervous, scared & crying.  Dr Scott informed me that I was a guest for at least the night & that I was confined to a clear liquid diet.  I was really upset. Partly because our plans were changed but mostly because I was worried about Marit, how Magnus would deal with being away from me for the first time & how Abe was going to juggle Magnus at home & me in the hospital.

On Thursday morning I was taken over to the ultrasound room to see if the high volume of IV fluid I was given overnight had pumped up the amniotic fluid level.  Looking at that ultrasound, hearing Marit’s heartbeat I was on edge.  It was nerve wracking to wait for Dr Heddleston to come in & talk to me about what our options were.  When he walked in he barely glanced at the monitor & then told me very calmly yet firmly that I was having a baby that day.  The amniotic fluid was only 2cm in the largest pocket…that means I had almost no fluid left for Marit.

There aren’t words to describe how scared I was hearing that news.  I plastered a smile on my face & nodded as I heard the news that my precious baby girl was arriving 5 weeks early & there was no way of knowing what would happen once she was delivered.  Dr Heddleston left & I was led back to my room.  I was bawling my eyes out & trying to call Abe to tell him that he was going to have to leave work because I needed him at the hospital.

A couple hours later I was wheeled into the OR & the prep for the spinal injection started while the nurses counted out all the instruments that the doctors would need.  I breathed as slowly as I could & tried to block out the rising nervousness as the minute hand crept closer to noon.  Then the doctors were in there, the blue shield went up & Abe was holding my left hand.

Marit Abelin Eileen arrived via c-section at 12:13 pm September 1, 2011.  She was 4lbs 5 oz & 18 1/2” long.  Hearing her cry for the first time is one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.  Knowing she was out & her lungs were strong enough to announce her arrival was reassuring.  We were allowed on quick photo with our girl before she was whisked out of the room in an incubator & on her way to NICU.  The rest of the surgery passed in a blur & I was soon back in my room recovering & waiting to be sent upstairs to the maternal unit.

I don’t remember many of the details between recovery & the first time I held Marit.  Her teeny little body snuggled into mine & I felt peace swell inside me.  She seemed to be searching for food so I cradled her to my left side & encouraged her to nurse.  Again she was completely different than Magnus.  Rather than having to work at it Marit readily latched on & nursed with no problem.  We snuggled in the bed & bonded while life flowed on around us.  We were visited by many family members who were ecstatic to welcome a new person into our clan.

I’m beyond thankful that our little girl, our miracle surprise, spent less time in NICU than I did in recovery after the surgery.  She was allowed to come home when I was & has been steadily gaining weight ever since.  Marit is still teeny, no bigger than a minute, but I know that with time she’ll grow & be as strong, healthy & fun as her big brother.

Abe & I have wanted kids since the beginning of our relationship.  It was just something that wasn’t even discussed much we both just knew that we wanted to have children as part of our family.  It took a long time to realize that dream…in fact we had reached the point where we had tacitly agreed that having our own kids probably was never going to happen.  So we worked hard at being aunt & uncle to some great nephews & a niece.  Then beyond explanation suddenly I was pregnant.  The look of disbelief on our faces when that little home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines at 5:30 am had to be one of the more priceless moments in our lives.

I did my best to eat right, exercise, drink lots of water and all the other things good expectant mothers do.  Then the trouble started.  I was ordered to bed rest (fortunately not total confinement or I would have lost my mind) & made many, many trips to the doctor to monitor my blood pressure & other factors for preeclampsia.  About a week before my due date the hospital called & told me to come in right away.  I was in danger with preeclampsia & they needed to induce labor.  I packed a bag for myself, a bag for Abe (he was at work) and drove myself to the hospital.  Abe met me & thus began the grueling process of having Magnus.  With Magnus safely born & in the NICU I was sent to a room to recover from my c-section and to get my blood pressure under control.

Nearly a week went by from the day Magnus was born until we were released from the hospital.  Magnus had spent 5 days in NICU, I had spent 7 days total in the hospital—I hadn’t ever been alone with him.  We hadn’t changed a diaper until he was 3 days old & I was struggling to breast feed.  All the drugs that I had during the labor induction & the following days were slowing down my body’s natural responses.  I was totally lost.  I would end up sitting in the bathroom of my hospital room at 2:30 am sobbing uncontrollably.  I had no idea what to do with this little life I had so desperately desired.  My instinct was to tell the nurses that I couldn’t take him home.  He was so tiny, so helpless & he needed me.

I talked to my doctor (and I urge any woman who is feeling lost & helpless to tell their doctor) we upped my depression medication which helped.  I still had feelings of being totally out of my element.  No matter what you read, study, or plan it goes right out the window when reality slams into your dreams of what having a baby will be like.  Forget the co-sleep/don’t co-sleep, circumcize/don’t circumcize, breast/bottle debates.  Do what works for you!  There is no reason it is anybody’s business why you parent in a certain manner.  No matter what you do half the population will tell you it is wrong.

The truth is that nobody really knows what they are doing.  Every day is an experiment in controlled insanity—do your best & what’s healthy for your baby.  If that means in order to get some sleep the baby sleeps with you then so be it.  Use a proper co-sleeping bassinet that either fits between the parents or close to the side of the bed.  There are many different options for that.  The same goes for breastfeeding.  Some women simply are unable to breastfeed.  This does NOT make them poor mothers…it makes them human & subject to the vagaries of the human condition.  As long as your baby is fed, healthy & happy is doesn’t matter how you accomplish that.  Be proud of taking care of your child—that is the MOST important thing.

There are many opinions on how to nurture, raise & discipline your children.  Right now my struggle is what do I do with a kid that just refuses to sleep sometimes?  He is upstairs in his pack n play with a pacifier, his blankie & a cup of juice…all the things that he needs to nap.  Instead he is crying & screaming his head off.  I’ve tried the Ferber method of letting him cry…it doesn’t work with my son.  He will scream for hours at a time if left alone.  I simply can’t bear it…it makes my heart hurt to hear him cry like that.  So in a couple minutes I will go up & pick him up, cuddle him close & try rocking him.  He will fight me, he does every time.  I think about what will happen when there are two of them…& I panic a little.

That statement really struck me because there are a lot of people that I know that don’t want kids, don’t understand why anybody would, don’t understand kids even.  Some of those people think that Abe & I are crazy to have had Magnus let alone have Marit on the way.  To them kids are a burden, an inconvenience & something that should be avoided to stop all the problems in the world.  To know that this Twitter friend, whom I don’t know that well, is happy for me to have the kids I have always wanted was incredibly nice.  It got me thinking too…

Why am I a parent? What is it about having kids that made me want my own?

Let me begin with the disclaimer.  There are days where I would sell my kid for a bottle of vodka, or a movie ticket.  There are days where I want to curl up in a corner & cry after ripping out my hair in frustration.  My amazing Magnus is only 1 so I know I have a lifetime of those days coming my way.  However, there is so much that wipes out those moments/days.

Watching Magnus discover new things is so much fun.  He has been working on eating with a fork; he learned about ranch dressing & ketchup last weekend; & he has been slowly (very slowly cuz Momma says so) exploring our 2 stories of wooden stairs.  It is really fun to watch the world develop through brand new eyes.  Seeing the wonder of discovering a new animal or a new sound…something I don’t remember from my own childhood.  I get to experience everything a second time & truly appreciate the world.

The feel of those tiny arms wrapping around my neck as Magnus snuggles into me with his blanket for a nap.  How can your heart not swell with joy & the purest love in those moments?  And that’s what having kids comes down to for me.  The chance, the opportunity to share life with a new person.  To share in their growth, their triumphs and especially their disappointments.  Nobody will ever be able to protect them from every hurt (no matter how much we desperately want to do so) but we can share the burden, lighten the feeling of loss when it occurs.

That moment when you first look into a child’s eyes & see the love they have for you…in spite of your faults, your failures, your hang-ups.  To know that no matter how out of shape you are or how broke you are that little person doesn’t care.  All they know is you love them & they return it without hesitation.

Sadly, as kids get older that initial wonder wears off, they grow up & become adults that sometimes stray from what you dreamed for them.  There’s a pain associated with being estranged from your older children that I pray I never have to experience.  I’ve watched friends go through it & I can’t imagine the pain it causes.  Yet I know they still would welcome those kids home with open arms if ever they were asked.

Being a parent is the most difficult & yet most amazing job ever.  It is NOT for the faint of heart…it is filled with joy, grief & even fear but I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything.  They are the best parts of me—realized.

This year was no different.  We all gathered in the sun, finding shade as we could, and passed the youngest baby around (Julianna) while Magnus also made the rounds as his usual charming self.  It was really good to see some of the relatives that haven’t made the long trip down from the family homestead in Roseau, MN for several years.  As always we are already looking forward to next year…we will have added a new face to the crowd & hopefully my BIL Pete will be safely home from Iraq to join us.

My sis-in-law & her 3 kids

There’s a lot more that happened that weekend but it was so drama filled that I can’t even deal with writing it all down here… so moving on!

On Independence Day we left the Cities fairly early in the day & headed south toward home.  Since we had time we decided to make a trip to my folks & check out the tornado damage that had been wrought on Friday night.  We stopped at my brother TJ’s house first.  There wasn’t a lot of damage there…some large trees were downed & they knocked off the back porch and smashed into the bay window in the dining room.  Messy but compared to the people who lost roofs not terrible.  It was a long day with all the driving but nice to see that everybody was safe.  We even managed to do a few sparklers for the little kids.

After the long weekend July was a tough month.  Magnus had rotovirus (so many very icky diapers), then a cold, a head trauma (cart diving for babies), a double ear infection & he cut a new tooth.  I should mention the oppressive heat & humidity that came with July.  Far more than normal & it was my least favorite time to be pregnant.  We had over two weeks where the heat index was 100+…I am very happy to have that behind us though a few hot days before autumn sets in for good.