Six (ish) Weeks Later

It has been just over six weeks since Magnus was born. He was just a little peanut when he came home…and while he has grown he is still a little peanut. We are blessed that he is healthy & so aware. He loves to be held where he can look around. There are times where my arms are exhausted but I love that Magnus is a snuggly baby. He loves to snuggle with both of us. Magnus is our sweetie baby…he has the sweetest smile & is a bit of a flirty boy already. I had my six week post partum check-up today. My doctor says I’m in good shape for going back to being active. I’m excited to be able to start doing yoga again. In fact I’m going to have my good friend Mary over at Fit This! Girl put together a work out regimen for me.  Since I’ve already lost 50 pounds I think I’m well set to get more fit so I can keep up with Magnus as he gets more active.  This summer has been hard for me to be so inactive.  The sweltering weather has made me feel a bit better about being housebound.  It has been far to hot & humid to be outside during the afternoon (morning too for the most part).  I do miss the hiking & other activities we used to do up at the North Shore.  Hopefully we will be able to make a trip up there to visit this fall. Other than that I’m trying to put a positive face on when facing the “public”.  Reality is that I’m not coping all that well emotionally.  As much as I have always wanted a baby & as much as I’m completely head over heels in love with Magnus I wonder if maybe I was meant to be a mom.  Many times I feel that Magnus would be better off with a different mommy…that someone else would do a better job than I. In light of that I’ve talked with my doctor & we have increased my meds twice.  Now I’m under orders to see a psych to discuss what my options are for changing meds.  I’m not wild about this idea at all.  I’d much prefer my chosen method of ignoring it as much as possible.  If I won’t even talk about it with Abe I certainly don’t want to discuss it with a complete stranger.  However, I know that the better I feel the better I will be at being a mommy for Magnus.