Mommy Mind

Right now Magnus is sleeping in his swing, the dogs are sleeping around the house & my mind is a mess. I’m beyond tired, I need a shower, I’m nearly out of clean clothes to wear, my house is a disaster again & Abe is gone until Tuesday night. At least Magnus seems to be getting over his cold (though he’s still congested). Now before you tell me that this is what being a mommy is all about let me halt you. I am very aware of it…and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Okay, I’d change the lack of sleep…but everything else Magnus related I can handle. I’ve found wells of patience that nobody in the world would have imagined I could possess. Even though we’ve had days & nights of crying/screaming until Magnus is hoarse; I don’t feel at all close to getting upset other than I’ve cried because I feel bad for not being able to comfort him. When he cries that hard my heart breaks a little. Of course when he calms down & looks at me with his wide eyes I am captivated. My brain feels split in two though. I’m so excited & feel amazingly blessed to have the honor of being a mom. I truly enjoy the feedings & don’t even mind the diapers (it’s only been seven weeks…that could certainly change) that seem to pile up everywhere. On the other hand I’m sad, feeling isolated & very much alone. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even have the words really. Mostly I feel like I’m watching everything from outside myself. There’s this film over everything—like a shade between what I’m experiencing as a mom & my thoughts. I loathe feeling the disconnect—I know it keeps me from truly living every day.  This summer is passing me by so fast it is a blur of days that are notable only for their sameness.  I can only pick out a few days as being special.  Obviously the day of Magnus’ birth…. Basically I don’t really know what to say without spilling all my worry & depression out.  So I’m trying to be silent & if I can’t be silent I’m trying to fake being okay….