Something Creative
Haven’t written much lately….I still don’t know what to say & even if I did I’m not sure that it matters. I’ll be honest I’m feeling sad today. I have had 5 pretty good days in a row but I feel my feet slipping on the edge & I am so tired of fighting & trying to deal that slipping into & embracing the blackness sounds soothing…like slipping under my comforter & between the coolness of the sheets.
Recently (in fact I’m leaving it on the front page for awhile) I wrote my first ever music review. It was fun if stressful to write it. Fun because it allowed me to listen again & again to an amazing album…stressful because I wanted to do the album justice (among other things). I worked hard on it! Wrote, rested, re-wrote & finally came up with something I think might be pretty okay.
I’m confused & overwhelmed…I want to just walk away from my job & not look back. I don’t know that I’d actually be able to do it though. I’m so torn because I know that my leaving is coming at a bad time for the company yet it isn’t my responsibility…I also know I should finish out my lease on our house but I just want to have the army of friends & family amass itself on my front lawn for marching orders. I know I can’t manage all the packing & cleaning that needs to be done. Usually my brain breaks everything down into nice little lists & I can move through them with satisfaction as the check marks grow. Lately though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the simplest tasks…even reading which I can usually do to the detriment of all else holds no appeal. My brain is like Swiss cheese!
I have no idea how I got to be so unhappy (honestly I’m so depressed nothing puts a dent in it for long) with things. I’ve always loved the life I have with Abe. We may not have lots of money but we’ve always gotten by & enjoyed what we have. Our priority isn’t how much is in our savings, retirement & checking accounts. I know there are people who think we should focus more on accumulating money & finances in general—frankly they can piss off. I want a modicum of financial security but not at the expense of my relationships. Things haven’t been perfect but we’ve always managed & we will find a better place. Seriously, anybody who can pretend that they knew the economy was going to take a giant dump & leave so many people without jobs is fooling themselves. Anyway, my point is that in spite of or maybe because of our focus being on the people & time shared rather than money we have rich full lives in a way that we can never lose. Having families that share our celebrations & mundane days are precious…I need to remember that more often.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy because our focus has been altered by outside events: long term unemployment (economy is getting better my ass…), major health issues & suddenly money or the lack thereof is the lens through which everything is measured. Living with all of that has depleted me…I’m always ready to give: my time, my thoughts, my ears, my love & compassion—I haven’t taken time to require that I get the same back. I need to find my way back….it’s going to be hard ‘cuz I am not good at asking for help or accepting good things without arguing (I’m working on saying “Thank You” to compliments though).
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