Something Creative
I’m jumbled up today like a 5000 piece puzzle scattered about. I woke up feeling sort of okay…a day off & I need it. After a somewhat leisurely start to the day it was off to visit quickly with some friends & a quick lunch date with another friend. It was nice to see them but I could feel the sadness creeping in.
Then I picked up my paycheck…after that nasty surprise (there’s a reason I’m quitting ‘cuz seriously for all the work I do there & I don’t even make $10/hr…) we headed home. By the time I walked in my front door the cold fingers of depression were wrapped firmly around my entire being. I attempted to sit in my chair but after about 42 seconds I could tell that wasn’t going to work. My gallbladder is aggravating me & I’m so tired these days that no amount of sleep makes me feel rested….so I did the only thing I could & got out of my clothes and into bed.
I thought I’d just lie there awhile & see if my blanket (I’ve had it since the day I was born) and the down comforter could help chase the soul chill away. Instead I drifted off, phone clutched in my right hand like a lifeline with nobody at the other end. I vaguely remember Abe coming to check on me & rubbing my back ‘til I fell asleep again…I shudder to think how much more of a hot mess I’d be without him.
There are now only 9 working days until I am done at my job. It’s a relief in many ways because I’m not happy there. I don’t mind the customers, answering phones etc but let’s be honest a monkey could do my job. There is a satisfaction in helping a customer, fixing their little problems & knowing I can offer assistance when there is something bad that happens…after all that’s what a good insurance agent does. However I need something that challenges me, stretches me…without that I get bored and become at best a mediocre worker. I don’t enjoy that…I was taught to work hard & take pride it that. Now I don’t know what I’ll do.
Moving (yes in case I’ve failed to properly mention it we are moving.) is an overwhelming thing in my mind…it’s my great white whale at the moment. Abe has been slowly packing some things & I know that I need to start pitching in as best I am able. I think this weekend the photos will come down off the walls & the books will come off the shelves. Where we are going to go is something we haven’t figured out quite yet. We’re looking for places near Sioux Falls, SD so that Abe has plenty of job opportunities & hopefully steady work. I am looking for something VERY part time; preferably something I can do from home. Plus I’m hoping to find a doctor who can help me with this depression…and the insecurity that overwhelms me.
Yet I see the good things coming…being closer to my family whom I love so very much. Also we will be closer to Abe’s brother in Missouri which will be nice for them. I do hope they will be able to spend more time together. And there is much wild beauty on the prairies of my home…much I have not yet trained my camera or inner eye upon to study. I need to do a photo blog post of some of that from the last time I was down there.
My heart is torn, cracked & sore…I ache for the things I will miss. Not only the nature that surrounds me but the people. My sister-in-law Anne…my sister in fact. We have shared so many good & difficult times…and a lot of dressing rooms in Maurices. No matter our distance she will be close to my heart as will her precious boys who are like my own almost. I adore them to pieces & have so enjoyed being part of their lives in an everyday sort of way. It will take extra effort from now on but I don’t want to lose that connection….
So I sit here far too late, in my chair with the dogs napping & Abe playing Wii…crying because of the fullness of life—the joys that will come & the sorrow that lingers all jumbled together & rushing me over the sharp edges toward something which I can’t yet see.
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