Since I truly don’t know where to begin with everything I am just going to let my fingers walk across these keys & see what comes out….No forethought (a big thing for me…I like to know what direction I’m headed. I don’t mind detours or the scenic route as long as the general destination is planned out) on writing this or if I’ll even publish it. My brain is a gooey mass right now. I’m sleep deprived after a bout of insomnia the last couple of nights like I haven’t had since before August. I am sitting here in “my” chair with the laptop on my new little mini desk (So helpful to have such a handy husband) and I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s been a quiet & relaxing day…a little grocery shopping this morning followed by a leisurely breakfast & a movie. Hung my down comforter on the line today to soak up some sun…am looking forward to snuggling under it and smelling the scents of autumn. We’ve had such beautiful sunny weather this last week. In fact it was quite a bit warmer than most or our summer. Still the grass isn’t the verdant green of summer & the leaves are well into their spectacular fiery death spasm. The next few weeks will show more color gradually emerging & then one morning I will wake to find thick white frost covering my lawn & a blazing Crayola forest around me. While I revel in the dog days of summer this year I’m looking forward to it’s demise. Being over half way through 2009 I can honestly say that it has held both some of the greatest & some of the lowest moments in my life. I know that in years to come the great memories will take on that golden sheen of a sun-dappled oak–something to be brought out & relived in the quiet moments when I need a smile.
Right now the low moments hold sway…I’m battling something I’ve never faced before & feel completely out of my depth. I know part of it is being sick & having no answers as to feeling truly better. All I have are some ideas to get by with & the knowledge that according to the doctors there’s “nothing really wrong” with me. It is beyond frustrating (and scary) to think of how sick I may have to be before they “fix” me. On top of that I’m dealing with some very personal issues. I’ve shared some of that on here already & some of it is kept personal for very good reasons. I’ve delved pretty deeply into some issues that needed (and still do to some extent) to be dealt with. Some of that writing has been available for everybody to read, some hasn’t (maybe never will) and some will be when I’ve polished the words to a high buff gloss. One big thing I have really examined is grief. There is a lot for me to sort out & I have released some of the deep grief I didn’t realize I was holding onto. Some of that grief will always remain….it is part of loving deeply & valuing those who touch our lives in meaningful ways. I will always miss them–Grandpa J, Grandma B, Chris, Justin–but I also learned from their lives & deaths. As for the other things….I’m dealing with why I value myself less than I should. I have a very difficult time seeing my good qualities & I need to change that. Accepting a compliment (when they do come my way) is not an easy thing for me. I’m more likely to brush it off with a self-deprecating remark than a simple, humble “Thank You”. Not only is it impolite (I was raised better than that) but it also devalues the person who gives the compliment…and that is not fair to them. (I am all about fair–I know “life isn’t fair” but it should be & if I can make it more so than I try to do just that.) There are more things but I’m keeping them to myself.
I have been very blessed in the last couple months to receive an amazing amount of kindness, support & encouragement from a group of people that have graced me with their presence in my Twitter stream. I have some very dear friends that I met there. You may laugh behind your hand at me (or maybe to my face) but sitting in a hospital room at night is very lonely–I gained many new friends during those 5 days (thanks to the urging of a dear friend who insisted I needed cheering up) & find them to be delightful. All of us have our down days where our words don’t flow right or our paints feel lumpy & leaden on the canvas. When those days plod along there are many others who send words of encouragement & commiseration at the flighty nature of the Muse. It is like a far-flung artists colony where triumphs & frustrations are shared along the wild interwebz path. In this digital age it is easy to become isolated in your work, to feel the up & down of your craft alone. As a very dear friend reminded me this spring, authors (and painters, sculpters etc) used to write long letters sharing their lives, pushing each other to take risks & encouraging each other. While that era is long past for the most part (to our detriment in some ways) the magic of Twitter let’s us do it instantly & creatively in 140 characters or less.
I guess I’m still on the fence about continuing my writing…while I do love the process in many ways I just don’t know if I can keep doing it. When i walked away from writing 10 years ago I did it without thinking about it…it just happened gradually. When I started this blog it was with intent…to chronicle my life so that someday my children (Dear God, ummm….I want kids & I’m not getting younger. Not that you don’t know but just a posty note reminder.) will be able to know me in a different way. I also wanted to be able to tell the stories of my life to anybody interested…if they find comfort, encouragement, laughter, joy, peace & love in some small measure than my words have done what I most want to do in this world. Lately writing has been my way of banishing some of my pain for a brief moment & I’ve come to wonder if I’m not just depressing the hell out of the 2 readers (I know there are in reality more of you & I adore you for reading! *mwah*) I have. Just because I want to sleep until further notice so as to avoid the random sobbing & other mood swings doesn’t mean I need to inflict it on y’all. Add to that the feeling that I’ve fallen into the pit of despair (ROFLMAO… I do so love “The Princess Bride”) and I so dislike this version of me (I’m always sarcastic, outspoken & snotty….I’m just a lot more mean than usual) that I look in the mirror less than normal (which anybody that knows me understands I’ve basically covered all reflective surfaces). I didn’t know I could loathe myself more than I did before…really a rather unpleasant surprise to find I was wrong. So I’m putting this out there–more for me to see if I feel that I should continue writing–because I’ve always wanted to be a writer…in fact I am a writer, it is whether or not I choose to actively write. There is much in me that cries out to be put on the page either as prose or as poetry–whether I am equal to that task remains in question.