Something Creative
As you may have noticed (maybe you haven’t) I have been considerably less productive in my writing again. I suppose part of it is just the fact that life is pulling me in a billion directions. Work is the same, Abe’s unemployment is the same, I’m feeling less than well….and recently we’ve had to spend money we really can’t afford to spend in order to keep at least one vehicle road-worthy.
I feel cut off right now…isolated by the toils & troubles bombarding me. Since I feel isolated I’ve been doing what I always do; pull even further back from everything. I spend more time staring at the laptop screen than writing. I just don’t seem to have anything to say that isn’t going to sound like I’m complaining (which I guess I am). With everything that’s been going on I find it difficult to focus on anything else. It is very frustrating to feel so trapped by circumstances. (I am getting better at taking things one day at a time…even I’m surprised by that & there are things in play which will hopefully make a difference but I feel like I’m in a holding pattern at the moment.)
I haven’t really had much to talk about with people. I feel like a total fraud when somebody asks me how I am because I don’t want to tell the truth…instead I reply “I’m fine”. Of course those that know me well can tell I’m using a sham to attempt the social niceties. I am (mostly) a terrible liar so when faced with the possibility of having to pretend that things are peachy I’ll just avoid it altogether.
This withdrawing, anti-social thing I’m doing is pretty common with me actually. I have a tendency to become so self-involved that I become more & more introverted…even Abe has a hard time getting me to interact. In many ways I am just being more “me” than normal. While I understand how silly it may sound to my readers I am quite shy. This hiding that I’m doing now (and I am in deep hiding, I haven’t even really talked to Mom in a long time. She has enough to do without worrying about me) is my way of not dumping whatever neurotic, self-loathing, “I hate life” I have at the moment on those I want to keep in my life.
Yes this has become a rather disjointed bit of writing…all to say that since I can’t say anything nice I haven’t been saying much of anything at all. Instead I’ve taken to crawling into bed every time I’ve got 5 minutes to pull the covers over my head, I have the 5th Harry Potter movie on repeat in my dvd player, and only get dressed because I’m not allowed to wear my bathrobe to the office. I’m so tired I nap fitfully during lunch, nap restlessly after work & then drag my weary bones to bed where I sleep in starts & stops. Not to mention I’m getting right close to having Abe drive me to Duluth where I’ll enter the hospital of my choice (through the ER), walk to the admit desk in a very awkward, hunched over position and proceed to go through an act of such desperate pain-induced ramblings complete with a half-faint slide to the floor that there will be no choice to immediately schedule me for gallbladder removal. Of course I have to wait & see if I can get approved for medical assistance first….
So that’s what’s going on with me…I’m working on my “hermit” merit badge & hoping that at some point soon I shall feel the urge to re-emerge into society full of the wit (?) and chatter that you all enjoy (???).
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Lori Gerten
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lena
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JustPlainBill
