Something Creative
Tomorrow June 8th will mark one year of being without a dear friend. It’s been a long year…and it was filled with the deepest sorrow & the greatest joy. I’m reflecting & wondering if I’ve taken anything with me over this last year. Have I “learned” anything?
I’ll never forget the phone call…I wish I could. Learning that Chris was gone & had made the choice to do so by his own hand is something that will never leave me. Part of me (and everybody that knew & loved him) will always wonder if there was something we could have done, some sign we should have seen. Rather than dwelling on that which will never be answered in this life I want to focus on what we miss. Chris was his own person…crazy at times. He had a great sense of humor & we very much enjoyed when he’d visit us here in Minnesota. Our recent trip to Missouri was a little bittersweet as we hadn’t been down there since before he died. We had fun but it’s hard not to think of all the stuff we would have enjoyed just a little bit more if Chris would have been there. He is greatly missed & we were proud to know him. He had served his country too & we are poorer as a nation for having lost a man who took great pride in fulfilling his duty.
A mere 5 days after losing Chris we suffered another loss—another friend & my sister-in-law’s brother—took his own life after a very difficult battle with mental illness. It’s another phone call I wish I could erase from my memory. Hearing my brother’s grief & shock over the phone is something I’ll never be able to forget. Justin was a man who loved his kids very much. He loved to spend time with family, golf & hunt along with many other things. It was & still is heartbreaking to know that he sincerely felt he had no way out of a terrible situation. Again Justin is greatly missed & our thoughts and prayers remain with his children every day…that they may grow to know all the good about their father & be spared the lasting effects of pain that his loss has caused.
Of course we also experienced some blessed additions to our life. We gained a sister-in-law & are so happy to have her in our clan. It was wonderful to see A & A pledged themselves together so soon after the losses we experienced. Their joyful celebration helped us to move on & take the time to express joy in the midst of such tremendous sorrow. With their anniversary approaching I want to again wish them a long & happy life together. I know that you have both struggled during this first year—the jobs, the travel etc have been difficult—press on & hold tight to each other; this will see you through to brighter days.
I can’t forget about the nephews that joined us….seeing them in their innocence is beyond anything words can express. It is a precious gift indeed to be able to watch them grow, hear them laugh & participate in their lives. We are very thankful that our lives allow us the time & energy to spend with them.
What I wanted most to reflect on was did I gain anything from this past year….and while I might not always show it the answer is yes. I’ve reconnected with a friend after too many long years. It is a blessing to find her back in my life in the small ways we connect. Much has changed but the renewed & new aspects are added strength in my life. I have also made many new friends…some of them I’m still getting to know & others have become very dear to me in what seems like the blink of an eye. I have learned many new things & have dusted off some old dreams as a result. There are more days where I embrace living—something I am still working on & will for the rest of my days—yet I find there are more days where I find small moments to cherish. I continue to work at letting all those who hold a place in my life & heart know how much they mean to me. There will never be enough words for me to tell Hubby all that he means to me. The same goes for our families & close friends. I am beyond blessed to have some many who cheer me on, laugh with me, cry with me, encourage me & hold me up when the waves of life come rushing in faster than I can handle alone.
It is a difficult thing for me to let others in. I want to hold those I care for most at arm’s length many times. I am ruled by my emotions (I know you’re so surprised) & there are times where the sheer joy or sorrow threaten to break my heart. Lately I have become even more aware of how important it is to grasp that with both fists. That for me is living to the fullest…every smile, laugh, tear & scowl are what comprise my life. To be so blessed with the additions of family & friends in one year has enriched & brightened the threads of my life.
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