Something Creative
Lately I feel like I’m suffocating. Life feels like this big heavy weight pressing all the oxygen out of me. One of the only times it seems my lungs are working & my heart is still beating is when I’ve got words flowing onto the page (or screen as the case may be). When I hit the groove in my writing it’s like my fingers & brain are one entity. I don’t even really control my fingers so much as they move of their own free will…seeking out the correct keys without any conscious thought on my part.
Work is an entirely different story. At my desk I feel trapped; crushed into my chair like I’m holding the mass of the building on my lap. Everything seems to move as if I’m underwater…or rather like I’m trapped in a sea of dark molasses, being drawn inexorably toward the center of a whirlpool where I will be sucked down into a life of drudgery. It’s not like I have a demanding job or anything (and I don’t want a “demanding” job but rather a job the utilizes the brains & talents I do posess). Sitting at my desk it’s like I’m watching myself die from the outside. It makes me sad because I had such big dreams when I graduated high school.
I don’t regret where my life has led to this point. Everything I have experienced has shaped the woman I am….and for the most part I’m good with that. There are things I want to change & I am working on that. It’s all I can do, looking back with regret will not change the present or the future. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to take some risks…to step out in faith with the knowledge that I can always go back to what is “safe”.
Of course knowing that I need to take some risks & actually doing it are two very different things. I am not a risk taker by nature. I prefer the safe, comfortable haven of home. I like my routine for the most part. Knowing that I can walk into the bakery, winery, gas station & the folks working will know me by name. They will ask about Hubby’s job search, the dogs, and what is new with me. We will chat about the weather, the upcoming tourist season & local gossip. It’s what I grew up with to a large extent (although in a different town) so it is as familiar to me as anything.
Right now though I need to find a way to feel like I’m getting enough oxygen. I don’t want to live another day feeling like I”m suffocating….I don’t know how I will go about it but the die is cast. Something must give or I shall lose myself in the overwhelming flood of being unremarkable to myself. If others find good things in me I will be happy…if I can find good (remarkable, amazing, fascinating, worthy) qualities in my I can be content and that is a task I must now live to the fullest.
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