Something Creative
Confusion, loud voices in my head compete for attention. I’m being pulled in many directions at once. Overstimulated by interesting topics, feeling the onset of headless chicken syndrome. Which way next? What task that I’ve set for myself should I prioritize? Where do I turn next? Another topic of interest rears up in the stream…fascinating topics, amazing individuals. Getting to know personalities in black & white. Where am I in all this sound & fury? Do I exist? Am I my own imagination or someone else’s? Seeking approval, desire for acceptance turn to more confusion. Exacting its toll on my bodymindsoul as I stretch for I know not what. Is this what I want/need/crave? Should this or that take precedence? Many questions with answers that cannot reach my ears…do I want to really understand? Am I a writer in a secretary’s body or is this a masquerade, an attempt to fulfill a life long dream. A nightmare in the making? Confusion settles like a heavy mantle around my shoulders, standing up straight at the collar to cover my ears and failing to block the onslaught I more than willingly dive into again & again like the iciest lake on the most smothering of summer days.
Distraction also slides alongside me…pushing out realities I am in no hurry to accept or make my peace with. Again into the stream…this time to watch. Voyeurism at it’s best. Complete anonymity if you prefer. Other lives blast past in living color. The joy/pain/triumph/defeat of someone else. Schadenfreude at it’s best. The feeling that life is not happening to me any longer. What happens on the other side of the screen is real but I’m safe from the brutality in my chair. Fingers tap away as I pull excessive tasks toward me. Is this living? I feel so alive in my mind suddenly. Synapses burst in nuclear intensity as neural pathways are opened to new & long forgotten information. At last the classroom I regret leaving. More knowledge no matter how trivial to drown out what must happen when I walk out the door. Out the door means dealing with unpleasantness…confrontation (I shudder at the sound of the word echoing in my mind/heart/body). No escape from my duty…do I want to escape or do I prefer to punish myself? Distraction until the wee hours when exhaustion depletes my ability to further escape the worries that are dragging me under.
Emotion: passion/hate/distrust/love/amazement/awe/jealous/humbled/honored/sad/happy and more than I can possibly name. Again into the stream where I embrace & yet escape what I feel deep in the darkest part of me. Ecstasy/yearning for I know not what. Tears well unbidden. Slowly tracking toward a heart overwhelmed. Joy at finding so much common ground with so many. Heartache at wondering if I’m losing my way. Where am I? Is this real? Can I find myself again or will I be swallowed whole? Grief at what has been lost & what I may never have. Despondent that I can not experience everything I dream if I had a thousand lifetimes. How can I go on like this? How can I not go on? All that I will miss if I stop….oh to imbibe all that life has to offer no matter the cost. Will I survive? Will I careen out of control at a speed so fast no one will see it coming? Craving that acceptance I fear I shall never attain. Do I measure up? Gut reaction is not only ambiguous but also that the measuring device is skewed…a second opinion but will I listen and accept or reject for protection? Terrified to open the part of me I have guarded so fiercely. Only one has access…dare I breach this miniscule crack with more? Can I stand the ache if I am wrong? How did I get here? Again more questions I am afraid to answer….deep breath….hang on….this to shall pass??!!
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Just Plain Bill
