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It’s been two months since we moved. Hubby got a job & is working nearly 6 days a week. I’m so proud of him & know he’s much happier. I’m thankful that he’s able to get out & do what he loves.
I however am at home every day. I was ill throughout January & a good part of February. On top of all that I’m struggling with not having a friends close by. I feel so isolated from everything. Getting up every day is a challenge….some days I do really well & others not so much. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant & it is helping some. Today isn’t one of those days….today is a curled in a ball, blanket over my head, box of kleenex crumpled around me kind of day.
I feel like I might shatter into a million pieces like a porcelain doll handled carelessly. My breath is choked off & I feel like I’m lost, wandering in a barren dark space. The only thing that makes me feel anything good is when I feel Baby moving. That little person means so much to me & I can’t wait to hold him/her.
No idea why I started writing this actually….I haven’t had any interest in writing (or reading) these last months. Seems like all my inspiration (or whatever it was) has dried up, disappeared & gone for good. Maybe it’s living here on the prairie….the wind snatched my muse away on to a more deserving person.
Sorry this is so disjointed. I don’t even really know what to say except being solitary me hurts.
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Here are the ultrasound pictures of Baby. I must say that the pictures are quite blurry ‘cuz the little one was moving around like crazy. One of the most active times so far….except for when I play music. Seems this one likes to dance just like the rest of the family. Of course we also found out that Baby is just as camera-shy as I am….as soon as the tech went to try for a pic of the little face Baby flipped right over & faced my back.
Seeing Baby was wonderful & everything looks great so we are feeling very happy about that! July 6th (or so…never really know for sure) is the due date so that means no travel/parties for the 4th this year. We are looking forward to all the years to come though & are praying that the remaining months of pregnancy go well.
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This past weekend we were lucky enough to welcome visitors to our new house here in South Dakota. It was fantastic to see Pete, Anne and the boys. There was lots of laughter & some adventure. One of the things we did was visit the Sertoma Butterfly House. It’s a very cool place to check out & it is also a fabulous place to feel a little bit of summer in the middle of winter. The viewing house is kept at 86° with 80% humidity. It is filled with amazing tropical butterflies that flit around & occasionally catch a ride on the visitors. Check out the pictures I managed to snag with my phone’s camera. I definitely want to go back sometime with my good digital camera & see what I can capture.
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This was the scene at my parents’ house on Christmas Eve. I was deathly ill over the holidays but I did take a few minutes to bundle up & go out to capture some of the snowfall. It has been a very snowy winter this season…it reminds me of my childhood when we’d have days off of school because there was so much snow & the wind would blow so wildly. The last few years have definitely been atypical with the lack of snow/cold. Not that I complained…let’s be honest nobody REALLY likes -40 temps. I do love the look of snow falling, swirling & drifting across the prairie. It’s so peaceful when the snow closes off the world, blanketing the modern world & scrubbing everything clean with the icy winds. Of course now I have to deal with shoveling the driveway, warming the cars, paying the heating bill and all that other grown-up stuff. I do love the feeling of cuddling up on the sofa with Hubby & the dogs; a movie on the telly & a hot chocolate. It is a safe haven & I’m hoping the new house will settle well so we can spend the rest of winter cozy & warm.
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A couple months ago I wrote my first ever album review for Shadow Gallery’s “Digital Ghosts”. It is an album I truly enjoy listening to & it seems I discover something new every time I listen. Going to see SG in concert would be a great thing…too bad they don’t perform live. Well that is until this past week when Shadow Gallery announced their first ever concert coming in the spring of 2010.
This concert is HUGE news. For such a great band (with 6 rocking albums) they have never toured etc. Of course like everything else about Shadow Gallery their debut is going to be done with style! They are going to be among the groups performing on the first ever Triton Power Cruise. Without elaborating too much (go check out Shadow Gallery’s website etc for all the juicy details) the band is going to perform on a cruise to the Bahamas. Now that is debuting with a bang!
By now of course you are all wondering what I’m on about…great, some band she likes is giving a concert in the Bahamas. Well hearing that little bit of news sent me on a flight of fancy. Since I’m currently unemployed (and have no real plans to get a job after the move…I’m burned out from my last job & with being pregnant won’t work that long anyway) I have the time to go on this cruise. Living in the nice “warm” section of the country that I do a nice vacation to the tropics sounds like a great way to kick off my spring/summer. Not to mention that I dream of traveling & writing so this would certainly give me the opportunity to do both. Of course I don’t really have the resources to head off on a fabulous musical cruise (*hums* I am the very model of a modern major general….) so that puts me at a distinct disadvantage. However, I have a plan that could solve this little snag.
If just one (or several) groups got together to pay my way I’d happily write an article on the cruise line, cruise ship, concerts, activities and anything else pertinent to the trip. All I’d need is round trip airfare (for two…can’t go without Hubby to help me. I mean after all I’d be almost 7 months pregnant), hotel in Miami for 2 nights, the cost of the cruise (this includes all my meals & the concerts) and that’s it. I’d of course pay for any souvenirs etc.
Then after spending a few days soaking up the sun & music I’d write a review of the Shadow Gallery concert (and all the other concerts too if necessary), along with any other articles/reviews that I owed my benefactors for the trip. Sounds like a good plan right? I mean it’s a win/win situation. They get a great article/review on the topic of their choice & I get a sun-drenched vacation to help me relax before the baby arrives. Now if only I could find the party(ies) willing to pony up the dough. (Any good suggestions on how I can accomplish this may be entertained.) It could be just what I need to get a new career/job off & running.
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Wow, it’s December already. I can hardly believe it’s halfway through the month. In just a couple weeks we’ll be packing up a massive trailer & heading to South Dakota. It will be the first time I’ve lived outside of Minnesota in my life. Not that I haven’t done some traveling but I never felt the need to live anywhere besides here.
So my house is in disarray…like far more than what it’s really like. There are boxes everywhere–the one couch is half covered, most of the living room floor, the kitchen counter…well you get the idea. And of course where there aren’t boxes there are stacks of things needing to be wrapped & packed. I haven’t been the help I should be in all this packing either…the “morning sickness” (what a misnomer…I’m just plain nauseous all day long…wicked unending nausea. The only good thing has been no throwing up) keeps me from feeling like I can do much & I’m exhausted. Still I have been working on what I can like books, pictures & all the little fragile things I don’t want to trust anybody else with packing. The next big thing is going through my closet…this is going to be a big job & I’ve been procrastinating big time. However it’s going to have to be by the end of the weekend. There will be a bunch of clothes finding their way into the donation bin. I’m not too hard on clothes so anything that’s in good shape goes & anything not worth saving will go as extra padding for the mirrors, art & various glassware.
The thought of moving mostly just makes me cry…yes we’ll be moving to a great house & into better employment situations but there are so many things that I’m leaving behind. My sister Anne whom I am so fortunate to have…the fact that she married into the family in no way makes her any less of a sister than the ones who share bloodlines with me. I will miss the trips into “our” dressing room at Maurices to try on clothes. No matter how much I complain about how ridiculous I look it’s always fun to do it together. Her friendship has been invaluable to me & I love that we are always welcome in her home.
On top of everything else my depression hasn’t abated but I’m sublimating it as best I can…trying to focus on keeping calm (not an easy thing for me) and fake it. There are many days where I wake up in the middle of the night & just cry ’til I fall back to sleep. I can’t explain the feeling…but it’s empty, desolate & black. When I can I play Mozart in my head; using it to calm myself & the baby. After all the dust of this month settles I’m hoping the light I need will make a dim glow somewhere nearby.
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I don’t even know where to start….life is moving in so many directions some days I don’t even know which way to turn. We’re supposed to be working hard packing for the move to South Dakota…I say supposed to because it is much easier to promise to do the packing later & go play with Pete, Anne & the boys or snuggle on the couch with a movie. After all it’s cold, cold, COLD here right now. Plus I’m just starting to get past the extreme nausea of the first trimester.
That’s right, you read that last sentence correctly…I’m pregnant!! I am entering my fourth month & am excited if really feeling the fatigue of all the changes. Abe has been wonderful taking care of me, helping me when I am too sick to do much & just generally being wonderful to me. He’s as excited as I am though of course he doesn’t say much.
It is truly an answer to many many prayers….we both were getting to the point where we didn’t really think that having a baby was going to happen. Now we are pleasantly surprised & shocked to find that parenthood will indeed be something we can participate in enjoying/lamenting.
Our little bundle (we won’t find out the sex….all we want is a healthy baby) will arrive on the tentative date of July 6th. We have lots to do to get ready but there’s still time. I will keep you updated on things as I feel like writing…one thing that I’ve noticed is that reading/writing/typing makes my nausea worse. Couldn’t be a more irritating thing since I love to read & would like to work on my writing since I’m not working right now. Still it is the best of all reasons so I’m trying not to get too frustrated with it.
It has been HARD keeping the news a “secret” (okay I totally told all my immediate family & some close friends right away) but we’ve decided to let the rest of the world in on the big news. I’m glad ‘cuz it was getting tricky trying to keep from making random comments about how sick I feel or how oddly weepy I get at things. Let me say that dealing with depression & pregnancy hormones really makes the old emotional roller coaster a true 5 alarm emergency some days. Still overall I’m working to keep calm & not be too self-critical (okay in my head I’m still too hard on me but I’m trying to give myself some grace) & most of all take care of myself. We shall see how I survive the next 6 months or so. I won’t even think about labor, delivery & afterwards yet.
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Well it’s official….we’ve found a new place to live. Over the last week/weekend we made plans to look at some potential houses for the big move. There were a lot of places that sounded like they’d be great. One was a nice double wide with some additions…it looked really nice. It was on 17 acres which was something I really wanted. However I wasn’t willing to share it with the other tenant who lived in another trailer on the same property. It just seemed like a bad idea to share space with a stranger.
Another place we actually went to look at was a nice looking (from the pictures) 2 story farm house on four acres with a fenced in pasture & a barn. Not that we need a barn but with dogs it is nice to be able to put them outside & yet know they have a nice sheltered place to be if we are gone for a few days. Walking into this house gave me the idea that things would be difficult living there. The front corner of the house had settled quite a lot so there was a pronounced slope to the entry & kitchen. I’m fairly certain that putting an egg on the (miniscule) kitchen counter would have led to the egg being smashed in the corner of the room. The dining room was very nice…easily the nicest in the house…with beautiful hardwood floors, built in cabinets & really nice wood throughout. However, there were supposed to be 3 bedrooms…well since the upstairs was not available (some lady likes to come & stay there from time to time I guess. And there isn’t a separate entrance for her plus she’d have to use the main bathroom & kitchen) they had taken the formal sitting rooms (which were divided by a giant pocket door) and closed them off creating 2 “bedrooms”. This meant that there was only one common living area (the dining room) which was NOT large enough to hold our living room furniture let alone a table & chairs. So that left us with one more place to inspect before we were back to square one.
The final place we actually went to inspect is 30 miles west of Sioux Falls. A bit further than we’d like but still easily in reach since it’s interstate driving. It’s in town (another thing I especially wanted to avoid as I like my space, don’t really like people, and I want to have plenty of room for our dogs) but it was the right size & the right price! We ended up taking the tour in the dark (the owner had the power shut off & our appointment was for 7 PM) & cold. It was an adventure navigating the house with only flashlights. Still it was a really nice house. There is plenty of space of us & we will have room for guests as well (if we ever have any). There is a teeny back yard so it will be a huge adjustment for the dogs but we have a nice large garage so they can be in there too. Overall we are very happy with the house & know that it’s only temporary as we have a one year lease & then can look for something else if we want.
Now comes the packing which I hate. Our house is a jumbled mess (one because I am a terrible housekeeper & two because we’ve started packing already) & we’ve got 3 weeks to pack, clean & move 400 miles in the winter. I have no idea how we will manage to move our stuff (there’s a lot of furniture & things like the grill, lawnmower, dog house) without stealing an 18 wheeler. I can’t think about it too much or I end up crying/having a panic attack.
I will miss our old house. It isn’t perfect but it is our little world. We can sit outside without people seeing us, there’s a fire pit & lots of room for the dogs. We have gorgeous trees that flower & turn bright pink in the spring. There are lots of birds & even an occasional deer will wander through. It is my haven, my Fortress of Solitude & I will miss it greatly.
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We are staying at my parents’ house for the rest of the week/weekend as we attempt to find housing for the big move which is coming up fast. So far we’ve had lots of great prospects but unfortunately there seems to be something odd or not workable each time we get close….but that’s a whole other “Dr. Phil”.
Last night while making pancakes for supper (with fresh blueberries….. *drools*) we needed more butter. Mom got some out & put it in the microwave to soften it. She placed it next to me as I dropped 2 piping hot pancakes onto my plate (everybody else had already had their first round). I grabbed the knife & proceeded to find that the butter was NOT soft…. ”Well it’s not frozen any more”, Mom retorted to my observation. ”You know how I feel about butter on my pancakes.” With the long suffering sigh only a mother possesses, “Yes I know….” Growing up Mom always made the best pancakes (she still does) and would always spread just the right amount of butter on each one, letting it melt into the golden brown before adding the syrup. They were always light & fluffy, melting sweetly on your tongue. It was the best thing in the world to wake up to the smell of the griddle heating for pancakes. Sometimes we’d get pancakes with faces or ones that looked like Mickey Mouse.
Here’s the story of me & my pancakes….
When I was in kindergarten we had Cowboy Day. Everybody dressed up like a cowboy or cowgirl & we had flapjacks. I was so excited for Cowboy Day…Mom even made me a special outfit to wear with my boots (I think I even took a six shooter cap gun…..my how times have changed. Nowadays a kid taking a cap gun to school would surely be arrested & placed on a terrorist watch list) & of course I had a red handkerchief too. It was all fun & games til it came time to eat. One of the mothers who was helping gave me my flapjacks….with a big blob of butter in the center (all cold & unmelty) and promptly doused it in an overly large amount of cold syrup. I was aghast! Never had I witnessed such an atrocity….so I did what any 6 year old would do…pitched the mother of all hissy fits. I was adamant that I would not eat a lukewarm flapjack with a cold butter blob & enough syrup in which to bathe. There was no admonition, no threat, no “There are starving kids in Africa” speech that would move me….I wasn’t going to eat that flapjack.
I don’t remember what happened after that…it’s possible that I just went without & if so I would have done it with a sense of deep satisfaction at getting my way. I do know that upon my return home that day Mom asked how my day had gone. Bursting into tears I recounted my tale of woe & flapjacks improperly prepared. No doubt Mom comforted me & reassured me that it was indeed okay to not eat the flapjacks. I am equally sure that I was told to be more polite about not wanting to eat something.
To this day I have a difficult time ordering pancakes in a restaurant because often times they come in a haphazard pile (pancakes should be neatly stacked) with a giant blob of butter in the center. At least they provide me the option of adding the syrup on my own.
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So I’m going to pull out my English geek for this post & put her on full display. I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving (like everybody else in the US) & how at this time of year we focus on being thankful. I am thankful for a great many things in spite of the very hard year we’ve had. However, I was talking to the divine Ms. Davis & she said not only was she thankful for me (wow, I like that people feel that way about me) but also grateful. It made me think about the two words & how they seem to be very similar. So I fired up my google & checked Merriam-Webster online for the “official” definitons. What I found gave me reason to do some serious thinking….
Main Entry: grate·ful
Pronunciation: \?gr?t-f?l\
Function: adjective
Etymology: obsolete grate pleasing, thankful, from Latin gratus — more at grace
Date: 1552
1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude <grateful thanks>
2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated
Main Entry: thank·ful
Pronunciation: \?tha?k-f?l\
Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century
1 : conscious of benefit received <for what we are about to receive make us truly thankful>
2 : expressive of thanks <thankful service>
3 : well pleased : glad <was thankful that it didn’t rain>
I’m going with definition 1 in each case. The first thing that struck me was the way benefits are recognized. In being grateful there is an appreciation of benefits received while with thankful there is conciousness of benefits received. That difference pulled me up short. So many times people say they are thankful for their family, job, house, food etc. (there are always things for which to be thankful) but how many people are grateful for these same things?
Being grateful means that you appreciate the benefits & not just merely recognize that they exist (thankful).
Main Entry: ap·pre·ci·ate
Pronunciation: \?-?pr?-sh?-??t, -?pri- also -?pr?-s?-\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): ap·pre·ci·at·ed; ap·pre·ci·at·ing
Etymology: Late Latin appretiatus, past participle of appretiare, from Latin ad- + pretium price — more at price
Date: 1655
transitive verb 1 a : to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of <appreciate the difference between right and wrong> b : to value or admire highly <appreciates our work> c : to judge with heightened perception or understanding : be fully aware of <must see it to appreciate it> d : to recognize with gratitude <certainly appreciates your kindness>
2 : to increase the value of
synonyms appreciate, value, prize, treasure, cherish mean to hold in high estimation. appreciate often connotes sufficient understanding to enjoy or admire a thing’s excellence <appreciates fine wine>. value implies rating a thing highly for its intrinsic worth <values our friendship>. prize implies taking a deep pride in something one possesses <Americans prize their freedom>. treasure emphasizes jealously safeguarding something considered precious <a treasured memento>. cherish implies a special love and care for something <cherishes her children above all>.
Now I suppose you are wondering exactly what my point in all this is…after all thankful & grateful are tied together pretty closely. Well mostly my point is that while I have certainly been conscious of the benefits in my life I haven’t necessarily been terribly appreciative. After all I’m certainly thankful for my family, friends, house etc etc etc…but I have failed (sometimes miserably) in expressing that attitude.
I’m not being critical of myself like I tend to be normally when I have fallen short of a mark (whether it is one of my own making or not) although I am adding it to my list of things to be more aware of doing in the future. With the horror of 2009 coming to a close & the big big changes of 2010 speeding toward me I am grateful, thankful & blessed for my life, my husband & my dear friends who are close in spirit if not actual distance. Please remember to be active in showing your thankfulness not only now but also every day of the year.
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